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Help needed please! Christmas Disaster

apples73's picture

Hi everyone. I have am currently in a mini-crisis that has forced me to look for help.

I have been married to my hubby for a year and we both have one 11 year old son each. We have my ss every other week. And we split all holidays and breaks evenly.

My major problem has been with the Christmas gift situation. It’s just a big nightmare.

In summer, we made a deal with both boys that every time they mowed the lawn and did the weeding, we would give them 2 dollars. Only ss took advantage of this and by the end of summer, he had earned almost 60 dollars. He also made another 100 dollars from hubby’s parents by helping them out too and from gifts.

Normally for Christmas, we spend 200 dollars per kid We are not very rich people and we save for the whole year for this 200 dollars. So ss told us to use his earnings and add it to the 200 dollar limit and buy a PS4 bundle. Hubby agreed and he was hoping it would be a great way to start bonding with ss again. The whole divorce and bm drama made ss more cold with everyone, including bm.

So hubby went ahead and bought the PS4 and added a bit extra of his own money (on top of the 200 because Canadian taxes are awful). He also bought an extra controller. Then for my own son, I bought one PS4 game, nice clothes and tickets for my father and him to watch the new Star Wars movie in IMAX.

ss loved the PS4 when he came here on Sunday. Both our boys played it all of Sunday and yesterday. But last night both boys were screaming at each other in the basement.

Long story short, ss said he couldn’t wait for his best friend near bm’s house to play the PS4. My own son said that the PS4 was supposed to stay here always.

To be honest, hubby and I just assumed the PS4 was going to stay with us. After the drama with bm several months ago, nothing from our house goes to hers. And the same is true for stuff from her house. ss just comes with the clothes on his back and school things.

Hubby tries explaining that the PS4 should stay here but ss is screaming that it’s his gift. Then he locks himself in his room crying. Then a few minutes later bm calls screaming at hubby saying that she had bought ss an extra controller and games like he wanted because ss told her he was going to take the PS4 back and forth.

So hubby coaxes ss out of his room so that they can discuss a solution. Hubby offers ss his summer earnings back and to get him some other gift instead. So the PS4 would be a family gift. But ss flat out refused. He said that the only stuff he got from bm and bm’s parents was PS4 related items. And those things cannot be returned. Then he cries and says that hubby loves my son more because he wants the PS4 to stay here.

Hubby is just stressed out and told ss he will need to think about it. Hubby is pissed off because he feels like he just provided bm a free gift 50% of the time if he lets the PS4 go back and forth.

And my own son will be upset at this arrangement too. I bought my son a PS4 game thinking he can play it when ss is not here. But now the game has been opened and cannot be returned as well.

I kind of just want hubby to return the PS4, give ss his money and buy something else for him. But then we know he will have useless gifts at bm’s house. And she will raise hell for us.

I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions. ss told hubby that he ruined Christmas and he won’t talk to any of us anymore. It’s the first time he has been so
disrespectful towards us.

Please help! ss leaves this Friday.

hereiam's picture

After the drama with bm several months ago, nothing from our house goes to hers. And the same is true for stuff from her house.

If everybody knows this ^^^^, I would not let the PS4 go back and forth. SS can bring the related gifts to your house and still use them, BM and her family should not have assumed it would be coming to her house and bought gifts to be used with it.

Hubby offers ss his summer earnings back and to get him some other gift instead. So the PS4 would be a family gift. But ss flat out refused.

It probably should have been a family gift, since you bought your son a game to play when SS is not there; that is a reasonable compromise. Not to SS, of course, but he is the child, your hubby is the parent so hubby should do what HE thinks is best. And if that is taking it back due to SS being so disrespectful, then so be it.

notsobad's picture

Wow, this is a real mess.

IIWII is correct, the game shouldn't be moved back and forth. We had an Xbox get dropped because it was being moved from the bedroom to the living room.

The fact is no one thought this gift through. I'm actually with SS. He's the one who worked all summer to earn the majority of the cost of this gaming system. You don't say if your son earned any money or what he spent it on.
Even if it was going to stay at your house, it wasn't a gift for your bio. He shouldn't get to play it when SS isn't there.

I know money is tight but my thoughts are that you buy another system for your home & SS takes this one to BMs. Then SS can just bring over the games he wants to play.

Look at it as a learning experience.

LAMomma's picture

I wouldn't send the PS4 back and forth, no way. We have a mutual understanding in our household that anything bought here stays here along with anything else they get from birthdays or holidays from our sides.

I wouldn't offer anything honestly. I'd just state the rules and that's that. You are the adults and he is the child. It's not your problem that BM and her side of the family based their gifts on something YOU bought. He can either bring their stuff to your home with him to use on the PS4, they can figure out how to return or resell it or she can buy her own PS4.

We bought a Wii U for the kids for Christmas this year but it was a family gift for everyone along with the games. We made sure to state openly that it was for EVERYONE including the games they got to open. Just because they opened this certain game does not mean it is specifically for them and only them.

We also have a community property type of deal with toys in our home. Yes, you got it at your birthday party and it was bought for you but once it hits the toy box it's up for grabs. If you're not playing with it and someone else wants to play with it then they're more than welcome to do so. My kids play with all toys that are here and my stepkids also play with the same toys when my bios aren't here and are at their Dad's. I'm not going to sit here and gatekeep or fight with them about what they can and can't play with and when.

notsobad's picture

I think most people here are missing that SS put $160 of his own money into this.
Of course he thinks it's his to take where he pleases.

Before you tell him you're the parent and you make the decision about where the game stays you have to take that into account.
Yes, you're the parent and he's the child but he was very adult in working for and saving his money. You want to reward that and give him what he's earned.
If you take control of that game you'll destroy his trust.
Don't be surprised if he turns against your bio. To him it looks like bio son is getting something that SS worked for and that DH and of course you, are ok with that.

hereiam's picture

SS put $160 of his own money into this.

Which is why her husband is offering to give that money back to his son, get him other gifts and make the PS4 a family gift.

Yes, it's too bad that it wasn't made clear from the beginning that he could not take it to BM's but it sounds like they've had that rule in place, and SS did not pay for ALL of it. Misunderstandings all the way around.

LAMomma's picture

He did use some of his own funds but you have to remember $160 doesn't cover a PS4, not likely even half the cost and the money was earned at his Dad's and Dad's side of family so BM has nothing to do with this purchase so why would he freely get to take it there whenever he pleases?

Learning finances is awesome for kids at a young age but what's the point if you're also not going to parent? That's like my daughter coming home with a cell phone she bought with her own money and is proud of, gets in trouble and because she bought the cell phone herself I'm not allowed to take it away because it'll destroy her? Ha...

Glassslipper's picture

YES YES YES!!!!
I agree with NYC!
I can count all the things that went WRONG with this situation but the VERY FIRST mistake was letting SS put some of his money into the xmas funds!
It's Christmas! Each child gets 200.00 in gifts, if you add to it, change it, alter it, then one child gets more. Not a good idea!
Birthday is only one child's day, so adding to that would have been more appropriate.
My question is how did BS feel when ss got a gift like that! And he didn't get a game system! Wow!

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

Both boys had the option to work and earn extra money. They both were free to use that as they wished.

If the OP's son was offended, hurt, sad....by the choices then other kid made, then he is just like all of the other bratty, entitled...SKs many here post about.

Glassslipper's picture

It is his, but shouldn't travel.
Too large, too expensive, too high of a risk of getting broken.
It stays at dads.
And BM was a dope for buying stuff at her house thinking it would travel!

Glassslipper's picture

Your right fruit. I thought about it and given the lack of communication they had with the boy prior, it should be allowed to move.
I bought my son an xbox, he too put money from his birthday (we would never allow this at Christmas) with his own to buy it.
Before I agreed we discussed "it's staying here" and he agreed, so we bought it.
They take their phones and kindled and ipods back and forth, this is no different.
Should have been agreed apon prior to purchase

RedRedVines's picture

Lets do some math. You got your son $200 in gifts. DH got his son a gift valued at lets say $400. $160 of SS money and $240 of his money.

Value of SS Christmas Gift: $40 (half usage of the console minus his $160 contribution. It's actually less because he now has useless christmas presents from family members. If DH won't let SS's christmas gift over there BM isn't going to let the gaming stuff over to your house on principle I bet.

Value of OP's DS Christmas Gift: $400 (OP's $200 plus half of the value of the console).

So $40 to the responsible boy who went out of his way to earn extra money to get a nice gift and $400 to the kid who did nothing. Does this seem fair to you?

RedRedVines's picture

Your math is off a little. DS has 50% access to a present that according to your calculations costs $480. So the value DS gets is $240, plus $200 in presents from OP is $440 in total presents. SS also has 50% access to the gift worth $480, which makes his 50% stake $240, that he paid $160 for. The total value of his Christmas presents is $80. So OP's DS got $360 more value than SS.

Even with your new numbers, Dad still needs to hand over $360 in cold hard cash to make things fair. If I was BM I would be happy to give my son a little extra to have a full time PS4.

GoingWicked's picture

So SS earned half of the PS4, plus BM bought accessories for her home, and he can't take it back and forth?

Sorry, I think if you wanted SS to share, you should have split the PS4 right down the middle for both boys to share for Christmas, and let SS use his own money for something else.

I agree with your SS, not fair at all.

HappilySelfish679's picture

We had a similar situation happen with an Xbox where SS 12 thought it was " his " and it could travel back and forth to BM and back . We didn't go for it and it stayed in our house .
I Tfink SS should get the money back he earned and the game system should stay . For the BM to assume it comes to her house is pretty rude . let her return the accessories and let her save towards a separate gaming system.

hereiam's picture

I do agree that OP and her son crossed a line, however, if Hubby does not want the PS4 to go to BM's, I think he has the right to dictate that (although it should have been made VERY clear). It IS different than you giving me a blender and telling me what drinks I can make, I am not your child.

We stopped letting SD take gifts to her BM's because her brother would destroy them, then SD would be upset, and we spent good money for nothing. A parent can make these decisions, even with gifts, especially in these situations.

Something like this should have been to both boys, obviously both would be playing it. Hopefully, lesson learned.

Returning SS's money is not ideal but OP and husband are trying to rectify this without buying something (or half of something) for BM's house and then having to buy the same something for their house. But if that's what they have to do, then expensive lesson learned.

It's really up to OP's husband.

So, OP, what is he going to do?

hereiam's picture

Her husband said he would give his son back his money AND get him other gifts. The PS4 would stay at dad's for family to use. Again, not ideal but it was not ideal to buy the kid a gift with half of his own money in the first place.

My niece wanted 200.00 roller skates for Christmas. She got cash that can go towards her roller skates but I didn't take her money and add it to mine to buy her Christmas present.

hereiam's picture

In the given situation (of not taking things to BM's and vice versa), it would have been smarter to ask for money and buy the game outright himself or ask for other stuff for Christmas and kept earning money to buy the PS4 himself.

notsobad's picture

Does the same go for gifts you give to your DH? Can you take them back at any time or forbid him from taking his phone to work on on vacation without you?

It's a double standard and once a teenager sees it and realizes it there will be he$$ to pay.

notsobad's picture

It isn't even about sharing, It's about control.

You are saying that it's okay to control the gifts that are given to children but not adults. If you are forced to share, that's about control too.

If you share everything you have, that's on you. But if I tell you that you HAVE to share everything you have then I'm controlling you.

And just to be clear, I'm not talking about disciplining. That's different and something that parents have to do to teach children but to say I'm giving you this but you can only use it when and where I say is control.

hereiam's picture

hubby and I just assumed the PS4 was going to stay with us. After the drama with bm several months ago, nothing from our house goes to hers. And the same is true for stuff from her house. ss just comes with the clothes on his back and school things.

SS seemed to know that things did not travel between households; assumptions were made by all regarding the PS4.

Doesn't really matter to me, it's up to OP's husband.

hereiam's picture

I agree, they screwed up. Shouldn't have taken the kid's money to buy him a gift and not been clear that it was not to go to BM's.

hereiam's picture

ETA - Let's say the SS leaves the system at the OP's house and her DS is allowed to play it whenever he wants. What happens if he somehow breaks or damages it? Will the DS be expected to replace the system or at least pay back what the SS put into?

Why would SS need to be paid back if his dad is going to give him his money back AND buy him other gifts so that the PS4 can stay there and be for the family?

There could be a very good reason that they don't want it going to BM's. Who's going to give SS his money back if somebody over there damages it? We didn't let my SD take stuff to her BM's for her own sake, not to be mean. Her brother destroyed EVERYTHING of hers.

thisisnotmocking's picture

Fruity, to be fair, you'd have to amend your blender analogy just a bit. You'll have to add that I paid for half of it...

This is utter bullpucky. SS is right.

thisisnotmocking's picture

Only if it's solely SS's possession. And OP's kid who didn't want to work, yet reap 110% reward can't touch it.

notasm3's picture

When I was 12 there was something I really, really wanted. I saved my money to make the $50 purchase (a huge expenditure 50+ years ago). I made 35-50 cents an hour babysitting. I might have exploded if I'd been forced to share it with my brother (bio in an intact family even).

twopines's picture

Holy cow. I can't stand my SD, but no way no day would I let this situation happen to her in my home. Dayum.

apples73's picture

I should clarify a few things:

1. Until now, all gifts have stayed at our house, even birthday gifts. We had a huge blowup with bm about stuff going missing so that is how it is now (her idea). We just thought ss assumed the same for this Christmas, like it he did last year. But I guess he thought it was different because his money went into the gift. We should have clarified, it was our mistake.

2. The only reason my son was arguing about the PS4 staying in our house was because I told him that he would be able to play the video game I bought only on one day a week when ss ISN't there. And if he wanted to play more than that, he was to ask ss permission when he was here. I thought this was more than fair. And I do not want my son playing video games all the time anyway.

I know we screwed up and my hubby especially feels terrible. There is a 50% chance we won't see the PS4 again once it leaves our house if we were to believe past experiences. Hubby is thinking of returning ss's money and giving him 200 dollars worth of other gifts like I did for my son. But we know this will create a big problem with bm. Hubby floated the idea of buying the gifts bm bought ss from her. But we just know it will be impossible to do. Plus we cannot really afford all this right now. He wants to think about it more tonight.

ss has not talked to us at all since this mess started. And bm has been sending text after text. We made a mistake and we feel awful. And we really are sorry Sad

Thank you everyone for your input.

hereiam's picture

The situation sucks and I can see both sides and how things got misunderstood. The bottom line is, it is up to your husband (certainly not BM) on what to do about it. I hope he can come up with something that works, that both he and his son will be okay with.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your husband needs to do what he thinks is right. He should not let BM's reaction influence him in any way. The presents she and her family bought can be returned as presumably they have not been opened.

For what it is worth, I think returning SS's money and buying him other presents is the way to go. The PS4 can then be a family present. BM should have nothing to complain about as all the presents her family bought can still be used by SS.

twopines's picture

Omg are you for real? You honestly in your heart thought it was MORE than fair for your kid to play with someone else's property only ONE day a week while the owner of said property isn't there? I can't even...

RedRedVines's picture

I also think you should apologize and let him do what he wants with the system. If you are adamant about the system not going to BM's you should give SS back his money and $200+ in cash that you would have spent on presents. He can use the money to buy another console for $350 and use it at BMs house, and take his games back and forth. Otherwise this boy just got screwed over by his dad and SM and he is unlikely to forget it.

twoviewpoints's picture

Frankly, if I were the BM of this SS? I'd toss $200 at your feet when I picked my son up and take his 'gift' home

WTF were you and Dh thinking? And to buy your son a game to play on SS's 'gift' in SS's off weeks? It's one thing telling a kid clear and upfront a PS4 would stay at Dad's house, but to let the kid pay for 1/2 AND buy your son a game for it? Talk about a sense of entitlement you and your son have :O The extra controller (another supposed 'gift' for SS) and a game for your son? ARGH #@$%@...and you wonder why BM is disgusted and angry... what a sh*tty thing to do to an 11yr old at Christmas.

thisisnotmocking's picture

^^^yup^^^

still learning's picture

We have a PlayStation and it does not like being moved, unplugged, updated or turned off improperly. Moving the game console every weekend (or whatever) could be very hard on the system. I have 4 boys and it would never fly that the PS belonged to only one of them. The others would play it behind their brothers back and I would be miserable trying to police "who touched the system." We got the boys an Xbox 360 a few years ago for xmas and it was a family gift.

If this was my son I would give him back his money and tell him to save it up and completely pay for his own system and keep it at his mothers house. If you combine both of the boys xmas $ then you'd have enough to buy a PS without dipping into their personal $. I'd buy a PS that was a family gift that stayed in the home and was not to be moved. Parents goofed, oh well, the kid has to deal with it and understand that mistakes happen.

still learning's picture

How many parents out there have never made a mistake with their children? Sometimes we say yes and then later have to say no because something will just not work out. Just because ss wants his own gaming system all to himself does not mean that it's going to work out. Besides, the $400 console would get ruined by moving it around so much. It sounds like the family is not well off enough for these kind of expensive lessons. The kid is 11, he does not get ultimate power because his parents said yes when they should have said no in the very beginning. So what that he will be resentful. Is he too delicate to be told no? It's a lesson learned for all involved.

still learning's picture

Totally off topic, but so are the analogizes about cars, mixers and bikes. I initially said yes to unemployed pothead ss30 sleeping here for a few nights, but very quickly did a 360 and said HELL NO! ss30 told everyone how evil and unfair I was because this is HIS house. Am I supposed to just suck it up and allow ss30 to mooch forever since I made a mistake and initially said yes. I'm allowed to change my mind regardless of how delicate poor ss30 the fragile child of divorce is.

Cocoa's picture

It's a freaking GAME system and its ss's. Let him do what he wants with it. If it gets destroyed then it will be a valuable lesson for him. He can always EARN another. Don't punish this kid for working and saving his own money. Your kid is SOL and can so the same to earn his own. Yes BM may win this round but so what. Already you've had SS in tears over this. If he had NOT put his own money to it my answer would be different. Don't try to destroy this kids work ethic

twoviewpoints's picture

That 40/60 split is iffy. If OP actually purchased the unit for $400, she overpaid. These game players were out all over the stores on Thanksgiving/Black Friday.

Kohl's had PS4 in bundle packs for $299 and $75 earned Kohl's Cash. She could have bought a joint gift of PS4 w/game for $300 and then used the $75 to buy her son's clothes. A win-win on her pocketbook, no money from SS chipping in and still had money to buy SS a $75 gift/s.

You other points I understand your perspective on, I just think in the OP'S particular case she's presented it was really unfair and poorly thought out on DH and her part.

twoviewpoints's picture

:jawdrop: you and Dad bought a Xbox One for those two naughty kids? After their shenanigans the last few days and all the unnecessary stress they put you thru I hope Dad took it away for at least six months (if not back to the store).

hereiam's picture

I do agree, OP, that your son has NO business playing the PS4 (without SS) and he should not have been given gifts related to it, it's not his.

boozlendidsmom's picture

If he wants to take it back and forth between houses, I would let him. But first I would inform him of the risks of doing so. If he ends up breaking it, that's on him. I wouldn't let BS use it at all, since he did nothing to earn it. Maybe that will motivate him to work for something in the future.

apples73's picture

Honestly, I am a bit shocked by some of the responses. We are bad people? Just because of this screw up? Ok…

My son has used his own gift money to buy himself a bike this year. And when ss is here, he asks bs to use it, and my son says yes. We teach our kids to share. We don’t want them to be entitled. And they have been sharing several things for a while now. We don’t believe in hogging a gift, even if its completely yours. So yes, using the PS4 for an hour when ss isn’t even using it is more than fair. And bs would still be required to ask ss for permission to play it when ss is here. However, ss is fully expected to say yes unless he is playing. Because that is how sharing works.

And are we not allowed to have any input on the PS4 usage just because ss put money towards it? He is a child. If we let him, he would play it every second while he is at home. We have already discussed the amount of time he was allowed on it before we bought it. Yes, ss put his money towards it. But hubby has put in more than the 200 dollar limit. In Canada we have a lot of tax that needs to be paid.

Hubby is still leaning towards returning ss money back to him and buying him other gifts. He said he will deal with bm somehow. But making the PS4 a family gift seems to be the best option. This will indeed be an expensive lesson like hereiam said.

I really appreciate the people giving thoughtful advice. But I didn’t think I was going to be attacked by other stepmothers. Trying to make our family work has been really stressful, especially with a difficult bm. I thought you guys would understand. And hubby has apologized to ss for the misunderstanding many times already.

apples73's picture

Yes, we do force to share. That is how we raise our kids. The bike that my own son bought with all of his own money needs to be shared. The lego collection that my son had before I even married hubby needs to be shared. And the nerf gun that ss got for his birthday needs to be shared. A child does not need to have such entitlement that they completely prevent another child from using their stuff. Hubby and I were not raised that way.

There have been times when ss used bs bike when bs was visiting my parents. Is that not allowed? I think its ridiculous that the PS4 should just be left to gather dust and not even be used for one hour a week?

And of course ss would be able to use bs's bike if bs cannot use it. This has happened before. When bs was grounded, ss rode the bike. There was no huge commotion about it. And if the accessory that hubby wants to buy for the bike makes it safer then of course he can. Hubby already bought a bell for the bike.

Disneyfan's picture

Oh come on, we all know he will use it more than just one hour a week.

He's a kid and he wil do what most kids do-break/bend the rules a bit every now and then.

Then there will be the times a friend comes over and they want to play the game. An exception will be made because it isn't the norm,

Then there will be the times his cousins are over they all want to play, again, the answer will be yes.

Disneyfan's picture

If a SM came here and posted that her husband purchased a game for his kid to use on her bio's game system that he helped paid for, that husband and SK would be called everything but a child of God.

One way to make things better is to tell her kid that SS's game is off limits when he isn't there.

still learning's picture

"When does this stop? At what point is someone in control of their own possessions?"

When they grow up, move out, and pay their own bills. The kid is 11, his parents can still tell him what to do and they have the final say in what happens to items in their home.

Disneyfan's picture

But the boys do not haveva problem sharing. Based on what the OP posted, they are both pretty good about sharing.

What's wrong with the OP and her husband saying her son can only use the Playstation when SS is there to grant permission? They have the sharing lesson down. Now it's time to teach the importance of respecting each other's property. You don't touch someone else's things unless you have their permission to do so.

RedRedVines's picture

Apples, everyone is trying to warn you that this will come back at you if not handled correctly. Please give your stepson all of his money back plus $200 in cash so that he can buy his own console to play at BMs. Otherwise, your son got $200 worth of gifts plus half use of a console. Your stepson got half use of a console that he paid $160 for and he will see this as unfair and as another poster so rightly commented, this will plant the seeds of resentment. He doesn't want other gifts, he wants what he's been promised. He is currently polite and respectful, and this can change if he starts feeling resentful towards your family. Trust us, you want respectful step children in your house. They can make your life a living hell.

You and DH made a mistake. An expensive mistake that you won't make again. Just pay the money let him get a new console and be done.

FieryEscape's picture

I suggest you read the OP's post again....

" he had earned almost 60 dollars. He also made another 100 dollars from hubby’s parents by helping them out too and from gifts."

FieryEscape's picture

I realize that , thanks ...

Your comment : "So the money your son used to buy his bike, was that money he earned himself doing odd jobs, or was that the Christmas you had earmarked for him, or money other friends or relatives had given him as GIFTS? If it wasn't money he actually earned himself, then that's a completely different scenario than what is going on with your SS."

Looks to me you are saying that that money received as gifts is far different than money received by working for it ????? Some of the OP's SS money was from gifts - so that portion didn't count ? Just as if the OP's son had gotten the bike with gift money it wouldn't count?

Lol I don't agree with that - but that appears to be what you posted. Not sure why you seem to think it matter WHERE the funds came from anyway ( as long as it was gifts or earned ).

So please explain what you meant by your comment.

Disneyfan's picture

How often does your son visit his dad? Is your SS ever at your home while your son is with his dad? If so, is your SS free to use your BS's things when he's away?

If your SS is allowed to ride your son's bike or play with his other toys when he isn't home, then the plan id fair.

Disneyfan's picture

How often does your son visit his dad? Is your SS ever at your home while your son is with his dad? If so, is your SS free to use your BS's things when he's away?

If your SS is allowed to ride your son's bike or play with his other toys when he isn't home, then the plan id fair.

Disneyfan's picture

How often does your son visit his dad? Is your SS ever at your home while your son is with his dad? If so, is your SS free to use your BS's things when he's away?

If your SS is allowed to ride your son's bike or play with his other toys when he isn't home, then the plan id fair.

Disneyfan's picture

How often does your son visit his dad? Is your SS ever at your home while your son is with his dad? If so, is your SS free to use your BS's things when he's away?

If your SS is allowed to ride your son's bike or play with his other toys when he isn't home, then the plan id fair.

Disneyfan's picture

******

Disneyfan's picture

******

Disneyfan's picture

******

FieryEscape's picture

An 11 year old is not the boss...if Dad says the system stays at Dad's house - then that is where it stays. Dad should give his son back whatever he contributed and make the PS4 a family gift. And who gives a rats butt about what BM says or bought. The kid will get over it.

FieryEscape's picture

No one said life was fair.

One child lives in the home FT and one 50/50 - correct?. Is the OP's sons father involved and what did he get for Xmas from his Dad ? Since everyone is crying about how unfair all this is to the SS - do we need to tally everything up and see who got more from every source ? Will SS never play the PS4 game that was purchased for the OP's son ? Does the OP's son have some money saved he can contribute to the PS4 ? How much did the OP's husband actually contribute ?

"So hubby went ahead and bought the PS4 and added a bit extra of his own money (on top of the 200 because Canadian taxes are awful). He also bought an extra controller. Then for my own son, I bought one PS4 game, nice clothes and tickets for my father and him to watch the new Star Wars movie in IMAX. "

and FFS ....stop making the SM the bad guy. Dad was one the that didn't communicate with his son.

hereiam's picture

Not an evil plan if it is common to share everything in their household. I thought that was weird, too, until she explained the sharing rule that they have.

misSTEP's picture

Moving any kind of gaming system is a recipe for disaster. At the very least, the system will not last as long as one that is in one place at all times. They are very fragile pieces of electronics. If the "eye" gets even a little out of place, BAM, you have an expensive paper weight. Dust and humidity are enemies of gaming consoles.

I supposed returning the PS4 is out of the question? I ask because you could go to a pawn shop and probably get two for that price and one could be for the family and the other could be SS's to do with as he wishes.

There's got to be SOME way of working this out. BM's input means nothing. How many posters on this site have BMs who promise to get their own kids something and never do? BM and her family should NOT have banked on dad buying this gift. She also should not have trusted SS's word that he could take the console back and forth!

hereiam's picture

After re-reading the original post, I wonder why SS told BM that he would be taking the PS4 back and forth but NEVER mentioned that to his dad, nor shared his excitement of playing it with his friend, even though the no-back-and-forth rule had been in place for months? Surely, it occurred to him that it might be an issue?

And the ONLY stuff SS got from BM and her side of the family were things for the PS4. Something could have come up to where OP's husband wasn't able to get the PS4 at all but they all bought gifts based on SS getting it as a gift AND being able to take it to Bm's (even though she participated in the no back and forth). Maybe BM and family should have all pitched in and bought the PS4 for him at BM's house, instead of counting on it coming over from Dad's.

Lack of communication between father and son but that still does not mean that SS gets to decide the resolution. And neither does anybody here get to tell OP what is the "correct" way.

notsobad's picture

Just me, but I think the answer to SS not mentioning it to his Dad is that he's known since the summer that he's getting it. I'm sure he told BM that he was getting one, for sure because DH was using some of SS's money for it.
BM and SS figured that because it was bought with some of SS's money he would own it and be allowed to take it. It's not something that DH and SM bought, so the no-back-forth rule doesn't apply.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Gaming systems are like crack. Taking crack away from an crack addict causes meltdowns. I've seen gaming system meltdowns before with children (same with smartphones). It's a gift item I would never personally get someone. Particularly children.

Sell the damned thing and give SS his money back. Everyone is going to take a financial hit. Lesson learned and time to move on!

notsobad's picture

So if DH is thinking of giving SS his $160 back and buying him $200 worth of something else for Christmas, why not use that money to buy a new system for the house and let SS take this one to BMs?

I think you need to listen to those on here who have told you that SS will lose trust in his father and you. This incident will breed resentment and SS will not get over it. He'll remember this and use it every chance he gets. You and DH won't be able to do anything right anymore. Trust me on this. SS is on the cusp of teenagehood and this is just fuel for him

You've also given BM a ton of fuel for her fire. In her eyes, just like a lot of the posters here, you've just proven that your son is more important that SS.
Who cares if they share everything, BM is going to point out how SS used his own money, only to have his gift given to your son.

You and DH have created a real mess. I hope it works out in the end but how DH handles it is going to be important in how SS behaves in your home going forward.

peacemaker's picture

The answer seems so simple...Tell the ss no. Be the parent...It doesn't prove anything about dh's love for your son...The issue is your ss's inability to share, and blend as a family...If you cater to him because he throws a fit..then, you just enable his manipulative behavior, and he will never grow as a person in that arena...today it is a ps4...tomorrow who knows? Different item..same issue...His insecurities are high...he is comparing himself to your son...he is pushing the false guilt you love him best buttons...to do anything to make you prove your love for him by giving him his way on this...Don't buy into that gig...Stand on what you already said...What we buy stays in our home...final answer...He will get over it in time...Of course bm will be milking it for all she can...she needs to be put in her place asap....

This is a great opportunity to become a teachable moment...Stay calm. Stay in agreement with dh on this...and present yourselves as a united force on this...THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BM!!!!!..it is not her business...use this as a teachable moment for her to establish as an agreed upon boundary that she is not to cross between your dh and you...This is your decision as the ones in authority of your now family...you ss doesn't have to like the arrangement...it is n't up to him....it is up to the two of you...be the parents.

Every decision you make that reinforces principals, and your own family culture is not always going to be the popular one...That is irrelevant to doing what you have both decided is the right thing for your family...The minute you were called out on it...you are both wavering..making you look weak and easily manipulated by fit throwing...by both your ss and the bm...NOT A GOOD MESSAGE TO SEND to an already unstable, and insecure group of people...

Step back, breathe, get alone with your dh and come out united...do not waver...this will not be the first time your decisions as a man and wife will be challenged...this one is as small as a video game...If you both come out indecisive, unsure, and in dis agreement with each other...the old "divide and conquer" will once again trump your ability to present yourselves as a solid, force not easily shaken or divided...(which is what your ss needs right now more than a ps4)...He needs to feel secure that you two are solid..someone he can feel secure with...kids need clear strong boundaries...to feel secure...they may come off like they hate it, but when the emotional melt down show is over, and it didn't work they will come around....

Stand together with each other...stay united...and just say "no"....peace

peacemaker's picture

...sounds like they did establish that all gifts stay in their home way before christmas happened...Apologizing for any confusion on their part isn't out of the question...and they should have cleared it up when the ss voiced that he was gong to play with his friend at bm's house...With that being said...the ps4 should stay at dh's house...

even if the adults made a mistake in communication...people are human, and humans make mistakes...It is up to the adults to teach ss to navigate through misunderstandings in life...that is fixable...Teaching ss and bm by screaming and throwing an immature fit to get your way is acceptable...after a while is not fixable...it becomes your culture...No. now is the time to suck it up, communicate through it, and learn from your mistakes...live, learn, and live some more...peace.

Disneyfan's picture

How many SMs force their bios to share with their SKs? How many SMs allow their SKs to touch their bios things when they aren't home?

Why do the "rules" here seem to change when the entitled SK is the SM's bio kid?

Disneyfan's picture

Dad should make his son keep the gift at his home. There's nothing stopping mom from purchasing one for the kid to have at her house as well.

Dad should also make the game off limits to his SS(the OP's bio) when his son isn't there. This had zero impact on the household sharing rules.
it teaches both boys the importance of respecting other people's property.

peacemaker's picture

you're right disneyfan...I didn't realize it was a gift for ss only...The sm should not have bought her son the ps4 game assuming he could just use it when he wanted...That is not right either...If it belongs to ss...then everyone else should not be able to use it...thanks for clarifying...bm should not have assumed he could bring it to her house...that is on her....peace.

peacemaker's picture

you're right disneyfan...I didn't realize it was a gift for ss only...The sm should not have bought her son the ps4 game assuming he could just use it when he wanted...That is not right either...If it belongs to ss...then everyone else should not be able to use it...thanks for clarifying...bm should not have assumed he could bring it to her house...that is on her....peace.

smomofone's picture

I think the only scenario where this will work without any resentment will be your DH giving his child his $160 back + $200 cash. SS can then decide if he wants to buy himself the PS4. If he doesn't have enough then he can work for the rest.

But I can already feel the disappointment of this child. He will now be told something that was not made clear in the first place, that he paid for, and that was HIS Christmas gift will be taken away and used as a family gift. And he gets $200 of other gifts. He doesn't want the other gifts he wanted the PS4. Your DH bought it with him. The entire money is still SS's $160 and all since those $200 where set aside for him. And on top of that you have your snotty little entitled son telling HIM what he can and cannot do with HIS gift. Come on now, It was not his place to drop that bomb. You really should teach your child better. Your DH should have been the one to tell him that.

At this point, your son gets $200 bucks in gifts from you, Uses his money to buy a bike instead of a PS4. But still gets the PS4 since it is staying in your home.

I get it, life isn't fair and kids should learn that but dang, I would like to know of a time your son got screwed this badly with something he wanted.

You sound like my ex stepmother. Except she didn't try to hide her cruel ways. All of our gifts from age 7 and on (when my sis was born, her daughter) where taken away from us and given to my sis. I don't resent my sister for that. I do resent the hell out of my dad and exSM for that crap.

notasm3's picture

When I was in the second I grade I got a new bicycle for Christmas that I adored. We moved when I was 9 and the bike was sold - with the assumption that the money would be used to replace it when we arrived at our new destination. I was okay with that. Even at that young age I knew it was expensive to move stuff across several states.

But when we got to the new state the money was split between my brother and I - all I was able to get was a broken down junky rusted out old bike that was pathetic.

It is now SIXTY years later, and I've never forgotten how terribly unfair that was. And we weren't even poor yet. Our terrible poverty settled in after we moved to that small Southern state. But at that point in time my parents still had savings, 2 cars and a house.

So do not underestimate how this will affect SS.

AllySkoo's picture

Going back to the car analogy, I worked my ass off from the time I was 14 (babysitting, odd jobs, whatever) to save enough money for a car. When I was 16 I had 3 grand. I bought my own car, and my dad said he'd pay for the insurance if I paid for everything else (gas, maintenance, repairs, whatever). It was generous of him, and I was appreciative. (And, by the way, there WERE limits - I still had to be home for curfew, if they'd ever found out I was driving without a seatbelt I would have been grounded, etc. On the other hand, NO ONE thought ANYONE else had a right to drive MY CAR unless I said so.)

When I was 17 I went to college. My dad sold my car - and kept the money. His rationale (I think) was that the money he got paid him back for the insurance. I was 17, a minor, he was within his "rights".

And yet almost 30 years later it still pisses me off. That was MY car. I paid for it. He had NO RIGHT to sell it, even to pay himself back what he'd spent. (And, by the way, that was NEVER made clear to me, that I'd have to pay him back for the insurance.)

So, OP, here's the upshot. Kids do learn their lesson, but not necessarily the lesson you think you're teaching. And it is entirely possible for you and your DH to destroy your relationship with this child all on your own. One incident probably won't do it. But take a good look at the pattern you lock into - if there are MORE incidents like this one, your DH is going to lose his son. Your SS sees this as betrayal, and you can't force or argue him not to. He does, pretty much end of story. And there is a finite number of times you can feel betrayed by someone before you cut them loose, you know?

misSTEP's picture

A similar thing happened to my DH with his mom and stepdad selling his car out from under him. He is in his mid 40s and STILL is upset about this. It happened right around the time he graduated and he was already living on his own. But he was still a minor so they had the right to do it. The difference was, they didn't put any money towards it themselves.

Glassslipper's picture

With all the things that went SO wrong with this situation, I can admit we were in a similar boat.
1st off, ss should have never added money of his own to increase a Christmas gift, birthday yes, not christmas. Our kids have done so for birthday not christmas.
DS wanted an Xbox years back.
He put in some of his money and we added it to his birthday gift. It was agreed to do this but it stays at home BEFORE the purchase was made.
Then the other kids wanted to play minecraft on it.
So we had a family meeting.
DS agreed to share his xbox with the other kids.
We decided each kid would have to pay 1/4 the price of the game, and each would have to get their own controller.
LAST week, DD wanted to play Halo on it with her friend and DS said NO.
He was supported, halo is his game, it's his unit and the other kids play Minecraft and that's agreed apon, not anything they want whenever they want with whoever they want.
I don't know how you would fix your situation given the multiple issues, but if it were me, i would swallow all the mistakes and give the kid a nice padded case to take it back and forth to BMs and return ss game. I don't see any other way to fix it, too many miscommunications and mistakes were made.

apples73's picture

Hi guys, after much thinking (and after I shared your ideas to hubby), he has decided that the PS4 will become a family gift. ss will get his earnings back and hubby will buy him 200 dollars worth of stuff like I did for my son.

He has not shared this with ss yet who has holed himself in his room for this whole thing. Fingers crossed he takes it well.

I will give an update tomorrow to let you guys know how it goes.

And yes I am a strict mother. Hubby is much more lenient with ss because of the divorce. When I say my son will only play it for one hour that is all he gets. Nothing more. After the hour is up I start hiding cables. Just thought I should say this in response to some users' questions.

Glassslipper's picture

^^^agree^^^
And if you do had over 160.00 plus the 200.00 in cash, keep in mind he could take it to BMs and she will buy him the PS4 with the agreement it says at her place.

LAMomma's picture

I agree with this.. If you read the original post they a lot $200 for each kid for Christmas. SS made a deal to further his gift. Her son didn't get to choose his $200 worth of gifts I don't think so why should SS get to? Or just be given $200 cash?

We don't send anything to BM's house and vice versa. I sure as hell wouldn't send cash with a child that young. It was SS's mistake for ASSUMING. If you notice also in the original post her son pointed out the rules of stuff not going back and forth. It doesn't sound to me like he was being a brat. It sounds to me as if the rules were clear and set in place then SS got butthurt it wasn't going to work how he wanted it to and pitched a fit.

I think it's fair to turn it into a family gift, give him his actual money back and then proceed with buying him $200 worth of gifts like they would have done anyway if the deal had not been made.

RedRedVines's picture

I hope this works out for you but with SS's other gifts at BM's being for a PS4 I doubt SS is going to take this well. I would give SS gifts from a toy store with receipts so they can be returned by SS for store credit and he can get another console. Otherwise you are pissing off a previously respectful pre-teen and in for a world of trouble down the road. It is really saying something about your situation when the most sympathetic forum towards stepmothers on the internet is telling you that you guys need to do whatever you can to make this up to a stepkid.

RedRedVines's picture

There are several posters who for the first time ever agree with HRNYC, myself included. The reason why they should fund the present is because SS worked hard to get himself a nice gift...a gift that is actually for OP's DS and "the family". SS was very smart in maximizing his gift with presents from BMs family, presents that are now useless unless BM lets her gifts go to DH's house, and why should she when DH wont let his gifts over there. Dad and SM screwed this little boy, and even the posters who despise skids are not ok with this.

smomofone's picture

I hope ss also learns his lesson not to make deals with his dad. I where him I would work to save up the rest and buy his own ps4.

Why doesn't dad just give him the 200 bucks instead of buying other gifts?

twoviewpoints's picture

Just out of curiosity, how will your plan and 'strictness' work for your son during the weeks SS is there. You said both boys played it all day for two days. Obviously no one hour a week limit having been immediately implemented.

So now the plan is to buy the SS out and make the PS4 a family gift. Ok, fine and dandy. However BEFORE big 'mistake' #2 occurs (and occur it will), Dad and you better make it abundantly clear to SS what SS's weekly limit is. Is it the same limit of one hour a week? If not it will be your son next pouting in his room angry at you. Your son will not understand why he gets only one hour on non-stepbrother week with the now family gift, but on stepbrother week SS gets more time.

Will the two boys perhaps be allowed to play together on the PS4 without the one hour thing on weekends (not school week nights? Will the one hour thing also include joint weekends and playing together. If SS gets 'rules' under more lenient Dad than your son does won't you be eight back to the player being treated more as if still SS's in your son's eyes?

Stop and think this through. Let both boys ask up front questions. They are 11yrs old, they don't think and feel with adult minds. Perhaps Dad and you could limit both boys equally during school weekdays and give them both opportunity to earn weekend extra time (yes, your son needs to earn and not just be given which is what got you in this mess to begin with).

still learning's picture

If you are really a stepmother, why are you ripping on apples motherhood? Your question is demeaning and has zero to do with the topic of this thread.

notasm3's picture

It's a valid question. Why is her son a lazy ass who is not willing to work for things he wants?

still learning's picture

The kid is 11 years old. How many mothers here have 11 yr olds who have summer jobs? Hell, I'm trying to get my 19 yr old son to get off his rump and get a friggin job. Am I a bad mother too because his father enables him to be lazy?! The fact that the kid didn't want to work over the summer has nothing to do with the issue at hand. OP sounds like a wonderful and kind mother/stepmother who is trying to help remedy her DH's giant blunder and miscommunication with HIS son. They are making the best out of their Christmas "disaster."

Apples, I agree with your family decision. Good luck! Live and learn, move on...

notasm3's picture

Both boys are 11 years old. One worked hard to earn extra money. The other sat on his lazy ass and did nothing.

Facts.

I am not placing judgement on OP. But I am judging the actions of the two boys. One appears to be a go getter who takes advantage of opportunities. The other is a slug who ignores opportunities and just wants to be given stuff.

still learning's picture

BS11 didn't have anything to do with the situation either. This was entirely a misunderstanding between ss11, DH and BM. As a side note, I know very few grade schoolers (I'm assuming he's in 6th grade or a young 7th grader) that have a paying job. It's quite a judgey stretch to call an 11 yr old boy who had nothing to do with the situation a "lazy @$$."

notasm3's picture

BOTH children were 11 years old. One chose to work the other chose to sit on his lazy ass. Fact.

No the lazy ass child did not have anything to do with the parents' bad decisions. But he was still too lazy to take advantage of work opportunities while still being happy to accept the hard work of others.

This whole attitude of "I don't want to work - but I'll be happy to enjoy the fruits of others' labor" is HIDEOUS in my opinion.

Disneyfan's picture

That question is only valid when the lazy SK belongs to the husband. If the lazy SK belongs to SM, it must be ignored.

notasm3's picture

I love that!!!

Both children had the opportunity to earn extra money. One did it. The other did not. Again - facts.

still learning's picture

Yes, the poor boys life will be ruined if he doesn't have a PS4 in each home. #firstworldproblems

Glassslipper's picture

If they were planning to let both boys play it, should have been a family gift to start with. But again that needed to be communicated before the purchase was made. And to the boy's mother had now bought all PS4 accessories for him to use at her place for xmas

twoviewpoints's picture

And you can bet your a** this kid will only ask for straight cash forevermore. Then he'll take his cash gift home to BM's.

Glassslipper's picture

Maybe she bought them because ss said it's his and he can bring it home since it wasn't stated by DH before the agreement to put his money in.
Clearly ALL the potential issues were not thought through before this DH just agreed to the situation.
Sucks but in step life, I first listen to the kids ideas, talk to DH about idea and sleep on idea so I can brainstorm all the ways BAT SHIT CRAZY will use this against us or the kids cuz oh, she will

Disneyfan's picture

But yet it was OK for the OP and her son to think he should have dibs on a gift the SS helped pay for. Why do the "rules" around here change when the entitled SK is SM's bio kid?????

This 11 year old child did what many of the adult SKs posted about here can't /won't do. Instead of just asking daddy to give him something, he got up off his butt and worked for it.

RedRedVines's picture

He is out all of his presents from BM's family. So DS gets to play with his gifts 100% of the time. SS gets to play with his gifts from DH 50% of the time and now, with BM's useless gifts 0% of the time.

RedRedVines's picture

Oh, its definitely not DH or Apples problem...its the problem of an 11 year old boy who has an already distant relationship with his dad. I'm sure this solution will do great things for their relationship Wink

smomofone's picture

Dup

smomofone's picture

Dup

smomofone's picture

Dup

smomofone's picture

Dub

smomofone's picture

It is still a blow and disappointment for this kid. He made the deal with his dad. Dad didn't clarify if he would be able to take his ps4 with him. Now, he gets his 160 back and dammit he should be fine with that since he also gets 200 bucks of other gifts. That wasn't in the agreement his father made with him. He will see this as he is the only one missing out. He still can't take the gifts with him. So he still will only get to use them half the time. While now the ps4 is a family gift and her son has a grater say on it. Really unfair. Only one winner in this whole fked up "mistake"

Disneyfan's picture

Hey, congratulations!!!!

Fruit, I'm in

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Count me in. Can I bring my own Belvedere Vodka to your place even if I don't need to think it over?

smomofone's picture

I would be so in if I was sure this OP wouldn't get her hands on this money as well. I think at this point I would trust the BM more with the money. 3 words I never thought I would use....bm, trust, money, in the same sentence.

thisisnotmocking's picture

This kid will have an awesome PS4 bundle with all of us chipping in and SM & lazy ass brat can suck it!

Milk is disgusting... Margs for me.

smomofone's picture

Your son is the only one that benefits from this outcome. Not surprised. As someone else pointed out. You have 95% of the response in this thread telling you you f'ed up here. A forum that is usually always on the SMs side. That should tell you something.

Glassslipper's picture

Agree agree agree.
The hole is already dug.
Hand over the PS4 and return your sons game for something else non PS4

smomofone's picture

No one is saying he should provide a gift for both households. We also have the same rules but it is clear up front. And if sd buys something with her money she is allowed to do whatever she pleases with it. Is she takes it to her mom's house and it gets lost that is on her.

The kid is the only one who is being thrown under the bus here. For the parents mistake. Her kid of course doesn't get anything taken away and gets an additional gift. Lucky him. Yea it's a household gift now but he now gets more claim to it. Without working his but off. What lesson is there to be learned here foe either kid. Ops son doesn't have to work hard, just needs to argue with ss to get what he wants, and ss shouldn't trust his dad.

smomofone's picture

I agree with JayRays suggestion. Give ss his money back. Sell the ps4 or return it. And get ss his 200 bucks worth of gifts. Now he will still get upset but at least now, no one gets the ps4 he worked for. It's like that thing never existed at home, and dad gets a portion of the money back so he isn't out so much.

Ss can then work up to get his own ps4 that he can keep at his mom's house or take back and forth if he chooses to.

Disneyfan's picture

Ex and I had the same rule in place about stuff going back and forth. Their toys snd bikes they got for Christmas and birthdays stayed at our house.

If my niece and nephew came over while the SDs were with their mom,I did not allow them to touch their things.

Dad could have kept the no back and forth rule in place without rewarding the other kid.

thisisnotmocking's picture

You're wrong, Lucy. You've got SM's that can't stand skids or BM's on the SS's side in this situation.

smomofone's picture

I would agree with getting rid of it. And gifting ss his 200 bucks worth in other gifts. That way it's truly fair for all

WTF...REALLY's picture

Fruit, relax. There is a fair solution. 160 cash, 200 gift card to gaming store. Now pass me some vodka. But no cream. Pom juice please.

smomofone's picture

At this point nothing they do is going to rectify the situation. But at least getting rid of it, I would think softens the blow.

Op and dh is not going to allow that gift to be sent to bms. No they will not forsake their pride and take the blow for this one. So the kid will end up disappointed no matter what. Selling it at least would be fair as no one will get to use it.

If this was me making this mistake. I would suck it up and let the kid take his ps4 back and forth with the understanding that if something happens to it, then he is responsible for it.

thisisnotmocking's picture

Actually, Fruity, SS is getting screwed over so SM's kid feels better, not everyone. Well, SM will feel better, too since it's her lazy brat that will be benefiting from SS's disappointment.

So, SS feels like crap. DH feels like crap. BM & family feel like crap.

BS & SM feel better.

moeilijk's picture

Wow.

First off, I hope your DH sits down many times with SS, and puts his own baggage aside to actually LISTEN and parent his kid. He needs to really hear SS through this experience, and he needs to treat SS as an equal person through this experience - rules are rules, reality doesn't change because there was a misunderstanding or upset feelings, but some good listening skills, some compassion, some explanations and some understanding will go a long way to helping this pre-teen become a confident teen.

Secondly, what a drama. SS asked for Christmas gifts based on getting the PS4 from you guys. He thought it would be his, and something he could take back and forth. Like his coat. No way he assumed it would be forcibly shared, so you guys failed on that communication point.

Thirdly, forced sharing? OMG, that's such crap. I think sharing is a super-important social ability that I value very highly, but forced sharing isn't sharing. It's just forcing... which I don't value at all. Not sure what parents think they're teaching when they are forcing their children to do things. 'May the Force be with you' isn't about bullying.

Fourthly - oh, what the hell, no more counting. If it is your position that the PS4 is a toy that stays at your house, then it was not a gift for SS. As a matter of fact, I don't get this point. You've got 50/50, but everything that your home purchases for SS stays at your home. Ok... but then everything your home purchases for SS is available for DS when SS is with his mom? Does DS wear his clothes as well as play with his toys? Because this forced sharing crap seems to have a big payoff for DS and none at all for SS. He has no say when he is is there and he has no say when he isn't there?

A serious talk with SS and with your husband are in order. Surely you can see that DS having access to his own stuff 100% and to SS's 50%+ isn't fair to SS. Nor is DS learning about respecting other people's things. Probably why he didn't lift a finger this summer - he gets everything he wants and everything SS wants anyways.

smomofone's picture

Have you op and your dh thought about asking ss how he would like to proceed? Would he prefer the outcome your dh came up with or sell the thing? Maybe involving him in the decision to rectify the mistake would help with the resentment.

WTF...REALLY's picture

As someone with a son who used to be obsessed with gaming, I can tell you those are fragile machines. Fact is, it would of broken pretty fast with all the back and forth. Then SS would have no machine.

I would give him the 160.00 back And the 200 as a gift card to be used at the place the machine was bought. If he and his mom use those funds to buy another machine, then it is a win win. He has the joy of having a machine at each home and he gets to play games with his step brother. Winner winner! Smile

smomofone's picture

This will also be ideal, but I don't think op wants to be this civil. I think the idea of this kid having anything they contribute money towards at bms house is an issue. That is why they would rather buy him other gifts that he can only use 50% of the time

StepDrama's picture

Either give him his money back so it is a gift that stays at your house, or have bm give you $100 so its fair to go back and forth. But so can her games too!

I personally wouldnt let that happen. Everything bought here stays here, we dont share gifts or theme park passes, we want as little to do with her. When we send something over there it breaks!! No thanks!!

twoviewpoints's picture

Cases designed for travel are available. My GS takes different systems in different cases back and forth to Mom's, Dad's, GGma's and my own house all the time.

thisisnotmocking's picture

SS in my situation took his Xbox 360, live, one (whatever the heck it was) back and forth along with games and controllers every week. It still worked as of a year ago.

smomofone's picture

I really think this story has pissed off a lot of us on here. Talk about unfair to the ss. This is the kind of crap that give us SMs a bad rap. Por kid man.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Reading the original post I thought right away something is wrong when skid had to contribute his earned money towards a gift ...
I would keep the PS4 at the house but bio kids can not play with it when skid is not there ..,

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

You give a gift and it belongs to SS now. I think he should be allowed to take it back and forth with an appropriate case or padding. This is likely his most prized possession - that he helped earn - and he wants it with him at his moms and dads house.

IMO this is normal and fair. IT IS HIS GIFT!!

TheLadyTremaine's picture

Yes, the OP and her DH f'd up royally. You don't force kids to share. It teaches absolutely nothing and is not actually sharing.

But all of this crap about SS being scarred for life and needing therapy...over a gaming system?!?! You absolutely must be joking. If this is the biggest tragedy of this kids life he's certainly doing better than 95% of the population. I think people are forgetting that he has food, a warm bed, a safe home, not one but two families who care enough and have the funds for xmas gifts, etc.

I can picture it now: 20 years down the road SS is in couples therapy when he breaks down and admits that the reason he is unfaithful and has a drinking problem is that he could only use his PS4 EOW. Blum 3

TinyDancer's picture

If I personally knew this sk, after hearing this nonsense, I would buy him a pswhatever just because he put up with all the bs that came with that supposed gift. After reading all that Apple wrote, I'm putting the blame where it belongs, on her. Admit it or not, her intent was clear; the game wasn't to be sk's and his alone.

Which leads to a bigger issue, forced sharing.
Two pre-teens with nothing to call their own.... The seething resentment that will be bubbling up and spilling over in a year or so, going to be a nice fireworks show.
Forcing people to share anything that normally would be considered 'their own' is not a way to nurture relationships, it's just a way to show dominance. *(my house my rules and you have nothing, not even the things that we give you).

One last thing, Apple, you never did address why your child should benefit from another's hard work. Which is exactly what happened.

notarelative's picture

If this was actually the kid's gift let him take it to his mom's house. Buy another for your house.
Now the kid has his gift and can use it with mom's gift. And your family has a family gift.

In the future don't have the kids contribute to family gifts. It never turns out well. If it's my gift I should be able to decide who plays it and when. If it's mine I should be able to have it in my room or take it with me. If I can't decide, it's not mine.
If it's a family gift, parents decide who uses it and when.

You made a mistake. Own it. Don't replace the gaming system with other gifts (so his other gifts are useless) or money that you insist be used for things for your house. You would then be punishing the kid who worked hard and thought the gift was a gift without conditions.