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Help needed. BM always downplays or Counters what DH says in therapy

Caltell86's picture

SS12 started going to see a therapist due to behavioral problems. Both BM and DH attend these appointments once a month. BM and DH go in and talk to the therapist first together without SS to discuss how  SS did that week. Then SS12 goes in alone to talk with the therapist. 

So during these appointments DH will say how SS is doing at our house. BM always has a negive come back for what DH says. Example...if DH says SS12 has been doing x,y,z at our house BM will come back and say "well SS12 says all he does is watch tv at your house". 

Now SS does watch a lot of TV at our house BUT does do other things also. BM makes it sound like that's all he does which is not true. 

Now we know BM Quizzes SS on what goes on at our house and who knows what BS SS is telling her. 

1. So should we confront SS about what BM said at the appointment so see what he has to say? 

2. When BM try's and Discredit what DH says to the therapist what would be a good way to turn it back around on BM or a good come back?

SS is a total spoiled brat. BM can't handle him at her house and he's out of control. Instead of parenting SS BM would rather push for SS to be Diagnosed with some mental disorder and drugged up. This way it takes the heat off her crappy parenting skills AND SS will be easier to handle if he's drugged up. This is the reason BM is trying to Discredit SS "normal" behavior at DH house. 


tog redux's picture

How does the therapist respond? That's really the most important thing. A good therapist will explore all of this further to get at the truth.

Survivingstephell's picture

Tell him to look right at her with a blank look, hold it until awkward then ask "were you there?"  Then tell him to look at the therapist and continue his talking.  DH need to take control of his narrative.  "Please don't interrupt me, I'm not finished ". "You know how boys are, not much talk"   Have DH be a bit more vague about SS behaviors and be a bit more positive about him while has him.  Contradict BM when true and a " not while I have him".  Ask BM what she would like to try and suggest she try it out first and report back.  

Taking control back will be hard and most men dint like confrontation.  But if he thinks about it as playing advocate for himself and protecting himself from lies and abuse in an adult way, looking like a willing and proactive parent, any good therapist should be able to see thru BM's plan. If he has the might ask BM in therapy if meds are HER long term goal.  "We've been at therapy for so long now and I follow thru on treatment plans and yet here we still are, why is that?  
I don't think he needs to get snarky but give room and rope for BM to expose her true self.  

Thumper's picture

OP ((((HUGS))))

Therapist hear this same song and dance almost on a daily basis. What does ss do at moms house, read War and Peace, paint still life, operate a soup kitchen at Bm's?

My point is simple....Visitation is designed for kids to be inside two sperate homes, experiencing now two separate dynamics AND two separate normal every day life. NOT to have the red carpet rolled out eow while DAD drops 300.00 to entertain his child because my brow beats him 'YOU DONT DO ANYTHING WITH MY SON"

If dad mows the grass at 11am every Saturday--then so be it. If sm does wash every Saturday while dad mows the grass--then so be it.  Intact families kids are not questioned if they sit in Pj's with bowls of cereal watching cartoons for 4hours playing with Legos.

Don't own her agenda and do not fall for it either,  ok?

dad could say in front of counselor, 'different isnt bad, it is just different". That is a social worker saying Wink




UpgradeWife's picture

If my H went anywhere with BM or went to something with her, he'd come back to changed locks.

Rags's picture

"Where you there?  Ummm No, you were not there.  Since you have no clue about what goes on in our home why don't you shut up until it is your turn at which point  you can talk about what goes on in your home. You are not in my home, you get no say about what goes on in my home, and your opinion of anything to do with my home is irrelevant.  We are here to discuss our son's behavioral issues and not to provide uninformed commentary and blather about things that you know nothing about. Any questions? Now, shut up and I will get back to what I was saying."

Lather, rinse, repeat.