Help! I'm imploding over mixed emotions!!!
So we broke out into WAR over the past two weeks if you haven't read any of my posts. (We, meaning DH and I, DH and BM, and then BM involved the kids---refer to previous posts for back story). Moral of it: BM was being manipulative (as always), I was being a little controlling to defend DH, myself, and my house, and DH was being a pushover to maintain peace.
So I sound like a jerk, but DH has been a little bit of a pushover (all the time really, but especially when it came to trying to keep the situation drama free- not possible, ever i'm convinced). Well, apparently this war finally smacked him in the face and he found his backbone. He had conversations with BM, with the kids, and with me and declared his decisions as final- so he thought. Anyways, we finally had our dicussion last night. He laid out a plan for child support & visitation (none of this is court ordered, against my preference).
His plan: child support will be paid on the 1st of the month give or take 2 days. The method in which it is paid (cash, check, money order, bank transfer) is decided between DH and BM. Any deviation from that plan (additional money wanted, money wanted outside of the designated window, BM asking DH to buy shoes, clothes, gas, food, bills etc that should be purchased with child support) MUST be discussed with me prior to a decision being made and I reserve the right to say yes or no. When i first heard it, I was okay with it because i'm trying to "loosen my control issues", which i will admit to having in every aspect of my life. they're not severe by any means- but theyre there.
Another problem/topic: BM holds children from DH when she doesn't get her way. DH sees this as empty threats because she hasn't followed through with it in a few years (before i was involved) but i have been involved when the threats were made and DH got really upset by them. When we discussed it, I 100% define this as bullying- DH disagreed, he called it "a manipulative act"- (yeah duh obviously but its also bullying) I've said in previous posts that i no longer feel like its my right to TELL him he HAS to go get a CO for visitation. My thoughts: IF (when, really) it happens again.. if the relationship between DH and I is affected (arguing, hostility, him being miserable around me), then i will speak up and explain that this manipulative behavior is now affecting ME and i'm not settling for that. OR should i speak up now?
I won't discuss the entire conversation be it could go on forever and there were a LOT of topics discussed, but I felt okay with everything afterward.
After our 2.75 hour conversation last night, we left things on good terms.. made dinner together and *made up*. I wake up this morning and i feel fine as i see DH getting ready to leave for work- say goodbye and i go about my day. Fast forward to my car ride to work--> my heart starts to sink. Did I give too much or not take enough? Now i'm dwelling. I want to crawl into a ball and cry by myself. Am i defending myself appropriately or was i trying too hard to be "therapeutic" and didn't come off assertive enough. What did I do wrong or right during that conversation.
I don't know if these are valid thoughts or am i still just digesting everything or is it me allowing DH to have a little more control and i'm coping with that change or am i crazy and it was actually a good, fair compromise? Right or Wrong, they are my feelings and they need acknowledged.. at this point i dont know how to express them because i don't even know what i'm feeling. scared, alone, insecure, vulnerable, upset, but at the same time... i feel so much more confident in my marriage and our committment to each other. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I'm afraid i'm going to go home today and still feel this way and right now i want to be alone, in a ball, under the blankets, crying. If i go home like that, DH is obviously going to be concerned to want to know what's going on and i dont think i'm ready to tell him because i dont think i've processed what i feel right now. If i don't know how i feel, how can i explain it to someone else? or do i just pour it all on him as soon as he asks?
Send help. Send love. Send Strength. I need it right now!