I think it's so unfair that you don't get a consistent schedule to know when she's coming. And it's terribly disruptive for SD too. And when DH doesn't step up to discipline SD, it puts you in a difficult situation. Kids need discipline. But it's not well-received when it's done by the stepmom. Nor is it step-mom's job to discipline! Do not let the feelings of guilt take over. You're a good step-mom who cares for SD, no matter how difficult she is or whatever hurtful words she says. Be like a duck and just let that stuff slide off your feathers. You need to take care of your emotional welll-being, stay strong and happy for your toddler, and sit DH down and say for everyone' sake a consistent schedule wil make everyone's life easier, especially SD.

If you were to stop doing for SD - stop disciplining her, stop taking on her care, would your husband still want to pick her up for extra time?  Sometimes these dads want to be with their kids, but don't want to do the heavy lifting.  Maybe when SD starts arguing with your toddler you could take toddler out for a walk, or to the store, or to do something just the two of you, and let your husband deal with SD on his own.  Do you at least get notice when your H is going to take extra time?  If not, head out the door and tell him you and toddler have other plans.  

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting some certainty in your schedule.  My husband will occasionally switch days with BM or take the skids if they want to come over when it's not his time, but he always asks first.  That is the respectful thing to do.  Why expect SD to be respectful of you if your husband isn't respectful of your schedule and your role in the home?

Finally, I hope your husband comes down hard on SD when she is disrespectful and makes comments about wanting her parents back together.  There is nothing wrong with a kid wanting their parents to get back together, but there *IS* something wrong with repeatedly expressing that to a stepparent.  SD9 did that exactly once (when she was 4).  She made the comment in the car when all of us were going somewhere (this was before we were married).  DH told her that he understood why she wanted him to get back together with BM, but that neither he nor BM wanted that and it would NEVER happen.  He also told her that he was with ndc now, and it was rude to say she wished her parents would get back together in front of ndc.  He told her she could express her desire for him and BM to get back together in private, and it wouldn't change the situation at all, but she was free to communicate her feelings to him alone.

I am going to come at this from a different angle since my husband has had to spend over 75K in court fighting to see his son 6 weeks a year. 

I think it is amazing that BM openly sends SD to your house. I think it is a great opportunity for your family to all be together. 

HOWEVER- if your DH isn't doing his part and only increasing your burden, you need to equalize the situation. First, bath time, bedtime, story time, etc should be on him for SD. Not you. So just don't do it. Just stop. After you get done with your 2ry old, just yell out from the hall- Bathroom's empty, DH you can get Sd ready for bed now. 

Dinner- if you are are making for the 3 of you, another kid isn't a big deal. 

Toys- Keep it fair. If SD is doing something wrong, tell her. You don't have to put her in timeout or anything, but say "SD, give that back to DD. You can have it when she is done". When DD takes from SD, you tell DD that she has to share and wait her turn. At 2 that's hard but it is a lesson we have to teach, obviously. 

As for SD wanting her parents together, I divorced my kids dad when my DD was 3. She doesn't remember us together, she is 14 now. A few years back she was crying one night. She said she wished me and her dad were still married. I asked her about her SM and if she still loved her, DD said yes. I asked about DH and she said she still loved DH. She then started crying and wanted to know why we couldn't all just live together! LOL- it's natural for a kid to want both parents all the time. Who wouldn't? But as long as we create healthy boundaries and are open and loving, we do the best we can. Your SD's mom giving open access is a big part of minimizing that feeling of not having both parents. 

When she comes over off schedule, take your toddler and go to a nice spa hotel.  Make it painful for both of them.  No care and feeding of the StepSpawn and DH gets the bill.

Lather..... rinse..... repeat.

Make sure DH hears it as  you leave that if he wants his "family" together it will only be on the COd visitation schedule days .One deviation, you and your daughter will be at the spa for that violation of your home and also during the next scheduled visit.  Cause..... effect.  Choice.... .consequence.

I do have a question. You do not mention DH's response when you call him out on this crap.  Have you actually told him that his prior failed family ill behaved spawn is not welcome in your home except per the CO specific dates?  If you do not care enough about it to bring it up, do not expect anything to change.

Wants the "Big Happy Family " what he did not get with BM. Unfortunately he not going to get it from you.  This how this works, you only have one shot at it.  
He is showing no respect for you. He should be asking for SD to come over. SD understand your relationship with your DD is different then with her. So SD is trying to control your home. 
It's time to disengage from SD. If DH picks her up, he take care of her. Not you. She here to see him not you. DH must understand it's not going to be a happy family with her. You will not mother her. Nothing is going to change until his bubble is bursted 

Wtf is up with men refusing to disicipline their children and set boundaries? I've began telling mine do you hate discipline more or do you hate their behaviour? It's consistency that is all. Just be consistent. Also don't do as much do what you're comfortable doing. I'm in the same boat. This Sunday my hunny has a rude awakening bc he's taking the twins alone out to trampoline land bc I will not be a part of fake disney dad I'm fed up. Good luck. 

I think generally it's ok if a parent wants to have more time with their child.. I mean OP has her child with her all the time.. so she should be able to see why that would be something her partner would want to take advantage of.

BUT.. it's not fair for him to spring it on her and then not do the heavy lifting that comes with both kids being in the home.. because he should be doing for SD as well as his own bio child instead of OP getting saddled with it all.

I'm sure if he was a more present father.. she would be able to handle more time.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but what happens if when dad gets SD, you leave all 3 of them together & let him parent them both without you there to rescue him from being a parent to both his children. 

You can take a couple hours and go shopping, get a coffee, visit a grown up friend of your own... Something out of the house so he has no other choice. He made both these kids, he can be responsible for them as well. Maybe being forced to see the truth of how SD acts without you around will wake him up... 

Also, I remember the first couple years after my BS was born I felt like all I did was scold SS for how he was acting around BS... Then it was flipped and the next couple years it felt like all I did was scold BS to leave SS alone. 

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