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Help- I am new to this and overwhelmed!

animallovergirl29's picture

This is going to be a somewhat long post but bear with me. 

I was previously in a long-term, very serious relationship. We lived together, were planning on getting married, etc. We had been together for 4 years, and in February, he came home and said that he didn't think he wanted to be together anymore and needed to 'figure himself out'. Without any prior fighting, arguments, or warning, I was stunned and left absolutely heartbroken. I took it all pretty hard. 

Fast forward to June and I met this guy that treated me exactly the way I had always wanted. He was definitely not someone I normally would have gone for, but I figured hey, that could be a good thing, right? He opens doors for me, includes me in things that he wants to do, makes me feel like a queen, tells me I'm beautiful, makes me one of his top priorities, etc. He also just so happens to have 2 kids. A girl age 9, and son age 7. I do not have children of my own. This is the first person that I have dated that has had children. I. AM. TERRIFIED. 

I work at a school with kids all day, so I didn't think this would be a huge difference for me. Boy was I wrong. It was nice at first, the kids were on their best behavior, and it seemed like we had a lot of fun. I didn't realize the difference that there would be from having kids that you work with and help out in a school environment, to a home environment. He only has the kids half time (Tues. Thur. and every other weekend) which is fine, but it seems like the times that he does have them, I feel like my patience is low. Don't get me wrong, I LIKE his kids, but sometimes I find myself biting my tongue when they mouth off to him, whine about the food they are eating, etc. It is hard being a somewhat new adult figure in their life, and not knowing what I am and am not supposed to do. I am also not sure if this is a role that I want to take on long term. Not having had children of my own, and not having dated someone that has kids in the past, this is all very new territory for me and I'm not sure how or what I am supposed to feel. 

It's December 1st now, and the hard part is that I have grown to really like this guy. I enjoy spending time together, I love going and doing things together, and there are good times with his children that I do enjoy. Their BM is not the easiest person to get along with, thinking that the world revolves around her all the time and that he is just supposed to drop whatever he is doing and cater to her is hard for me. It seems to me like that is how things have always been, so it seems normal to him. They also do not have any sort of court document stating their custody agreement which makes me very nervous. She seems to just throw the kids in his direction whenever she wants to, and there are times where I will ask him on a Sunday what days he will have the kids this week and he will tell me "Tuesday and Thursday for sure, other than that I don't know". Now I know that there are some things that will come up with kids that aren't able to be planned for. (Parent gets sick, other parent takes them, etc.) However, I am someone that has very high anxiety in general, and I like to know what to expect. Is it wrong of me to want to know when he has the kids so that I know what to expect/can prepare myself? 

We do not currently live together, and I am definitely not ready for that step. I just think it would make things a bit easier on everyone if there was a system put in place where everyone knew what was expected. I would think it would also be beneficial for the kids to know when they are going to be at moms or dads.

Over these last few months, I have experienced a lot of trouble with my anxiety and depression. Some associated with my previous boyfriend leaving, and some associated with this new relationship and wondering if this is going to be the best fit for me. I have told my boyfriend all of the issues with my previous relationship, how I am still struggling, and how I am very uncertain of the way that I feel about everything, and he always tells me "things will get better, we will figure it out together". I feel truly blessed to have someone that has stuck by my side through all of this, and I feel like I would be a fool to let this great man go. I am just not sure that I am ready to be a step-mom. How do I navigate these feelings and figure out what to do? I love this man, and he treats me and cares for me the way that I deserve. I am just really struggling with the thoughts and fears that come along with the two kiddos. Please be kind, I have really been struggling. 

RPS67's picture

To get to a place where either you can mostly tolerate his kids or part ways. You'll know eventually and if dealing with his kids is too hard then he's really not the one for you.

The kind of behavior you see at home with kids that aren't yours can be so tough to take if you don't have kids of your own! I mean, I have 4 under 18 at home and they make me understand why some animals eat their young, and I'm their mother! If anyone else had to deal with the behavior, they'd run away screaming and I'd totally understand.

As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your guy to set some more formal arrangements with BM. Sure, things happen that require a schedule change but IMHO kids do much better with a set schedule so they know where they're going to be when.

This time is a really good chance to decide how you feel about your guy's parenting. See how he handles when the kids misbehave. If he's a Disney dad that doesn't want to be tough on the little darlins, you don't want any of that mess because eventually if you want discipline, you'll have to be the one doling it out and that's exhausting.

Hang in there and good luck!

Sotheysay's picture

First off you have been with this guy less then six months I honestly don't think you have any right to say how hebornhis ex parent especially since you don't even know if you are in it for the long haul. I am a SM and a SK and am firmly in the camp that you should not meet kids unless this is a serious relationship that is going somewhere. These kids have already went through one split they don't need to see mom and dad going through partners like candy.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ok, but she has met them. The relationship is great except for some issues with the kids. So......now what? If she has no right to have any opinion on things involving his kids, she has no choice but to leave. Who in their right mind would sign up for a life with a man whose ex determines, week by week, when the kids will and won't be with him, based on how the ex feels and her convenience?

So does OP just leave or try to make her concerns known and save the otherwise-good relationship? I say, OP, gently and calmly express your concerns. Don't nag. If things change, good, if not, you know what to do. In the meantime try not to get too much more attached. 

Sotheysay's picture

No I don't think she has a right to an opinion about his kids or relationship with BM they are nothing more the. BF Gf no talk of marriage not living together she isn't even sure she wants to stick around so no until there is serious commitment from a person I don't think they have a right to a say in this situation. If she doesn't like how he parents she easily knows where the door is. 

tog redux's picture

Everyone has the right to an opinion. Perhaps she should keep it to herself, but she clearly has one. 

Winterglow's picture

Yes, of course she can walk... but don't you think he deserves to know the real reason that she's leaving him rather than just hear some platitude? A little honesty can go a long way. 

tog redux's picture

Yay, you are seeing the red flags! So many people don't.

He has a controlling BM and is not a great parent. There is no agreement and he says how high when BM tells him to jump. Listen to your gut - all of these things will drive you crazy after a while. The good stuff won't be enough to overcome it - you'll be on here saying what an "amazing" guy he is and then listing all these unamazing things he does in relation to his kids and BM.

Cut this one loose.

GrudgingSM's picture

First, it's okay if you're not ready for his kids. Like others have said, bio kids are hard enough but rudeness from kids that aren't your own...intolerable.

I agree with Ughstepdad that how long he has been divorced is also big! And also, WHY IS THERE NO CO??? My ex and I don't follow ours but it was like mandatory that we have a plan of who claims the kid on taxes each year and who gets what holiday. That's huge. You absolutely HAVE to ask follow up questions about that and get real answers. And if it turns out there is one that they aren't following, READ IT. SO and I have swapped ours because the other person needs to know what we are on the hook for in terms of schedule and money.

And honestly, my SO has a wildly varying CO as well because he and his ex don't follow theirs. I just make plans without him. I do stuff with friends. I take some trips by myself. But I refuse to wait for him to figure his crap out and get a normal schedule in place. I get that these dads want to say kids first, but my kid is a huge priority, but I know my schedule each week, and my KID gets to know his schedule each week and know what to expect. Kids love structure. Your SO needs some boundaries.

Also, there are things there that do sound great, like courtesy and kindness. But I'm sorry, the "It'll work out" is GARBAGE. HOW will it work out? What concrete steps is he takin? What's his plan for addressing the schedule and the rudeness? Those are nice and consoling things to say, but none of that changes anything. He is responsible for concretely addressing concerns through actions, otherwise you're stuck turning yourself into an emotional pretzel trying to accommodate his boundary-less life.

Harry's picture

As you are living there, you are one of the adults. It's your life. So you do have a SAY in how it all works . You should have scheduled on wher SK will be over, so you can make your plans for the days SK are with you and days together are at BM.   NOT. Sitting all day Friday not knowing if they are coming or not.

This has to be settle now.  Also weekends kids are at BM, should be weekends of adukt time.  Going away for the day and or weekend.  One or two vacations a year kid free.  Ect.  He must take care of his kids but you must come first. 

Kaylee's picture

My opinion on this is that you are not ready for this relationship (kids or no kids).

If I have the facts right, you split with your long term love in Feb, and then met this new guy in June? It sounds to me like a bit of a rebound relationship. Personally, I would take time out from forming any new romantic relationship till you've dealt with your devastation over the previous one.

Take time to be you, enjoy your own company, figure out what you want to do with your life etc. You are quite young? What do you want to do career wise - do you want to do further study etc? 

Just my two cents worth.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Do Not move in, do not marry, date him but keep looking elsewhere. I am one of many who became a casualty of stephell. It isnt worth the aggrivation DANG it sucks the fricking life out of you. It does not get better in most cases. So really is it worth the try? IT'S NOT!!!  Look at all the unhappy people involved with men with kids. Yes there are some success stories, but again is it woth your emotional investment and loss. Not to mention time wasted while he caters to his kids, money wasted if you live together because it does get spent on some other Ho's kid. 

I am jaded and blunt. Stephell does that to you too.