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Help I am going to lose it

Stepmom09's picture

My SS is 7 and I am 95% sure he is being awful to my 20 month old whenever the adult in the room turns around. (I don't let them be alone together) suddenly my 20 month old BS is hitting and scratching everyone including himself. I am beyond pissed at my SS. I know his stepdad is awful and a bully but if he bullies my son again I may Say he is done coming to our house.

Today at soccer my son accidentally (I watched it it was an accident) hit another child and that child's Dad screamed at my son. I picked him and said don't yell at anyone else's child. He proceeded to yell at me. I left with my son and went and talk to the owner of the program. He apologized over and over. We moved soccer classes and they said they are talking to the Dad. I completely admitted my son has hit before and I put him in time out right away and we are working on it.

I am so angry with my SS for causing this behavior and causing my child to be labeled as a mean child. I just don't know what to do.

Stepmom09's picture

I have caught my 7 year old SS hitting my 1 year old. And now my 1 year old hits. Yes I know it is normal but I am pissed.

The4Nuggets's picture

First of all, the dad that yelled at your kid is irrelevant here. Yes, he was a total ass and clearly doesn't know anything to yell at a kid like that - especially a kid that isn't his. I'm sorry that happened to you and your son. I'm glad it was resolved.

Now, SS?

You're 95% sure but you haven't actually seen it?

Take it for what it is, you have a toddler. They pick up on every single little thing from everything and everybody. They imitate everything! He could have seen one little act of violence on tv or by someone walking by at the grocery store and immediately picked up on it.
My 21MO is the only child of mine. I'm a SAHM. SD is here part time but she is as gentle as a butterfly. We don't use physical punishment, yet my toddler is SO rough and hits sometimes. And he scratches! I guarantee no one has ever scratch him (on purpose). Yet he does it! He also scratches up the leather couch and finds it funny to attack and scratch people. Where did he get it? I really don't know. Maybe at a playdate with other kids. Maybe he's just a wild animal and it's a natural instinct for him. Idk but we are working on it.
Instead of thinking of your child as MEAN, think of it as he's having a hard time understanding. Just keep talking to him and show him gentleness. When someone (or skid) is acting nuts and your kid is witnessing it, just kinda whisper to your toddler "oh no. that kid is having a hard time. He's really upset. But remember, we don't hit people when we are upset. Even though he is, it is not okay to do that ever." (or something of the like)

You say you know SS"s stepdad is awful. Sooooo, what are you doing to fix that? Especially in your home. To make a threat that you won't allow the 7yr old (who is bullied by his SD) back at your house for simply imitating behavior he learned and experiences somewhere else is quite ridiculous.

Sounds like the 7 year old here needs help and not so much your toddler. Who again, is a toddler.
Something needs to be done about the SD and your SS father should be having discussions with him about his (so called - because you haven't seen it) violent behavior.

Stepmom09's picture

I have seen it. Hence why they are not left alone ever. I know I just need to calm down but my SS was horrible when he was with us last. He stole my wedding ring and things out of my husbands wallet. I think I am super sensitive after the soccer thing today because I have been busting my butt on this hitting thing and this time it really was an accident. Thank you for some supportive words.

The4Nuggets's picture

The soccer thing has nothing to do with SS.
Idk how you are doing time outs but maybe you can look up the concept of "time - in" I still call it "time out" but what I do with my toddler is time ins.
It's really helpful. My 21mo talks a lot and has not issues. I notice that the times he does start acting up are when I'm focused on something else (laundry, cooking, peeing, etc) or if another kid upset him, usually by snatching something from him that he was really into. You need to figure out WHY you toddler is hitting and address it e v e r y time.

Stepmom09's picture

We are trust me. He right where he should be talking wise however he is pretty far ahead in other ways. He actually skipped tonight which is insane. It just suddenly is like 1000 times worse after the week with my SS.

Maxwell09's picture

So you're blaming a 7 year old for actions you assume happen when "adults turn around" and THATS why your child is hitting?
I agree you need parenting classes. Even the most basic day care provider without formal classes will tell you that hitting and biting is common in the ages of children who are learning how to talk. Does your child have a speech problem? Has he had tubes or persistent ear infections? Or do you not talk to him enough? Hitting and biting are signs of frustration because children at that age cannot say what they are feeling. As his mother you are suppose to be watching your child closer at this age so you can tell him "I see you are frustrated right now because Jane took your toy, tell Jane "no, no" when she tries to take it from you". It's not the seven year old's job to teach your kid communication skills. And why they hell are you throwing the step dad into this? So you'll believe the 7 year old when it comes to stories about his stepfather BUT you don't trust him when he's telling you he's not hitting the toddler? Your hypocrisy amazes me. Your prejudice against the stepfather while being a stepmother is also appalling.

Stepmom09's picture

The 7 year old is not allowed alone with the toddler because he has hit him before. And yes he had tubes and we are working on the hitting and talking stuff. It was just like it happened once or twice with me or my husband and now after my SS was here it changed. It is a lot more frequent. My mommy gut is saying something is off.

The4Nuggets's picture

My skid doesn't hit at all but my son will hit her or act up when she's here. She's not here often (average 4 days a month + holidays) so it's a bump in his routine when she's here and it's also one more person stealing away our attention.

SS acting out like that could also be a cry out for attention. Not saying his behavior is acceptable, but why did he do those things? did you get to the bottom of that? Why did he steal? Why did he hit? These are questions you should be figuring out the answers to.

Stepmom09's picture

The stealing he wouldn't really talk about all he would say was he was taking to his mom. We caught he with the stuff in his pockets right before the exchange. It's really tough my SS lies a lot over stupid stuff so we can't believe Everything he says. We have him 50% of the time so my son is used to it. It was just weird my SS seems very distant. We are putting a lock on our bedroom door. He is already not allowed in our room.

Disneyfan's picture

Your mommy gut is telling you the renowned way your little sweetie pie will act like every other toddler on the planet. Therefore that rotten apple SS has to be the reason why your kid is doing normal toddler stuff.

The next normal thing on the list is biting. I hope you don't blame SS for that as well.

Stepmom09's picture

I will put this out there. Yes my SS has hit the toddler this is why they are not allowed alone. We also have friends with a similar situation just 10 years older then where we all and it has come to light that the older was abusive to the younger one. Also, something is off with my SS he stole from us this last visit which is a first.

Stepmom09's picture

He step in between me and my son to yell at him in his face. Also, it was an accident they do a thing were the coach has all the balls in a bag and the kids hit them to wake them up. The other child put her head on the bag of balls while all the kids are hitting them.

Stepmom09's picture

It is a soccer program for kids 10 months to 32 months. Parents are out there with the kids. Since my son is not in daycare we sign him up for stuff like this or swim lessons to work on social interactions.

NovaKy's picture

Nanny cam. It's the only way I could prove to my husband that his son was abusing my disabled son. Totally worth the money! Make sure the children never know you used it! Our kids thought it was a clock! You never know when you may want to use it on them in future.