HELP!! BM invited us to their Thanksgiving!!
So, some background on the situation regarding our relationship with BM: She has called CPS on SO, and she called SD6 during our trip to England to tell her that their pet bird had died, in order to ruin her trip. BM will do anything to hurt SO, even if it's also hurting SD in the process.
SO just got a text message from BM, saying that she and SD wanted to know if we wanted to join them for Thanksgiving dinner. Now, BM knows that I don't like being around her. I have never spoken a single word to her when we've been int he same room together. We're assuming that SD asked BM if we could come, and instead of being a mature, responsible good mom and explaining that it was a bad idea, she invited us, which was completely inappropriate and is now going to make us look like the bad guys for saying no.
StepTalk, I need your advice. We are picking SD up for dinner tonight. How do we explain to her not only that we won't be going to Thanksgiving, but that we most likely will never have a dinner with BM and BM's boyfriend? Further, how do we explain what is appropriate and what's not in terms of expectations for us hanging out with BM? I could really use some expert opinions on this one.
Six.
Six.
I would say nothing to sd
I would say nothing to sd unless she mentions it. If she does ask if you are coming to dinner, I would just say, "Oh, no sweetie, we can't make it, we already made other plans"
That's fine, but what is the
That's fine, but what is the appropriate age to expect her to stop making requests like this? It's obvious that BM will never responsibly field them...
Eventually she will stop
Eventually she will stop asking when she realizes that you always have other plans. Also she will eventually be mature enough to realize that her mom is trying to set you guys up to look like the bad guys.
Your SO should text the BM
Your SO should text the BM back "Thank you very much, however we already have plans for that day and cannot accept."
Sure, and he's done that, but
Sure, and he's done that, but we're picking up SD after school, and honestly, we don't trust BM not to twist it into making us look bad.
You cannot control what the
You cannot control what the BM says to the skid.
Your SO needs to be honest without maligning the skid's BM. All he needs to tell her is you have other plans and leave it at that.
As she gets older, he can tell her that mom and dad don't celebrate these days separately now.
Unfortunately, BM would have
Unfortunately, BM would have to be cooperative for this to be a possibility, and honestly, she has pulled some awful shit and I just don't want to have a thing to do with her until she apologizes for what she's done to damage SD.
mmm that is a tough
mmm that is a tough question..I'm far from being an expert but I believe that honesty is the best policy.
If your SD asks you guys in person, I would tell her the truth but you can soften the truth. By doing so, she can learn boundaries, yes her feelings will be hurt initially but she will have to learn how to cope with her feelings, & the sooner you face this..the sooner everyone can get past this issue.
If your not comfortable going to your SD's moms place, then don't put yourself in that situation.
I have to disagree with the reply's saying that you can't go cause you have other plans. The reason, it opens a door for another invite another day. Then if you still say you can't for whatever reason, it makes you look bad.
This really is a shame on the EX for using her own child as a pawn!
I would answer the child's questions one at a time with honest answers & its okay to tell her afterwards that "I know this may be hard for you to understand right now but down the road, this stuff will be easier to understand." Be sure to thank her for the invite & tell her that was sweet of her for wanting you guys to come.
After that step, it would be a great time to discuss the plans of the Thanksgiving meal at dads as to the role that SD gets. Getting her excited about having the chance to be in the kitchen helping now that she is getting bigger or anything that will light her up. At her age, honesty is important but turn it into a positive.
Reply on my own
Reply on my own answer...haha
In being honest, I should add that your talking about your being comfortable or uncomfortable in that situation. I would not mention any feelings to your SD about her BM. But honestly if you guys are not wanting to go, its in my opinion okay to admit that.
I have to say that I agree
I have to say that I agree the most with this solution. It's just so tough to know the best way to phrase this stuff... I guess just saying, "Honestly, having dinner with your mom isn't the best idea" and then when she asks why, just tell her that it's difficult to explain and she'll understand when she's older?
Hmmm, that's a good point
Hmmm, that's a good point too. Thanks for the advice!!
Maybe I am just in an evil
Maybe I am just in an evil mood today but...she knows you will decline. Take BM up on the offer and make her uncomfortable. She won't let you go through with the dinner, she will get out of it but at least you will have made her squirm!
I would be honest, no point
I would be honest, no point in making up excuses again and again. How you word it depends on what she does or doesn't already understand about the situation and her maturity level.
She's 6, so I assume goes to school and surely has certain classmates that she is friendlier with than others, maybe you can use that as an example.
"Not all people are the kind of friends that have dinner together" or something like that.
"Your mother is a bat shit crazy bitch and we hate her" probably not a good idea.
Why not go. You put your
Why not go. You put your feelings aside and grab this perfect opportunity to open doors of communication between the two mothers in this kids life.
Someone has to act grown up so the kid knows what a adult acts like.
I think you should graciously
I think you should graciously accept the invite, tell SD you are looking forward to it and bring the pumpkin pie! If crazy BM backs out of the invite, who will be the one looking bad? Her. If she doesn't back out then go and like Orange said, set the adult example. Then aftewards reward yourself with something sparkly and lots of wine!