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Help! 9 year old SS is ruining my marriage

Hekela1206's picture

Hi! I'm new here and came across this website in hopes of getting some advice/venting. 

I met my husband almost 4 years ago. His son was 5 and my son was 3 almost 4. It was great in the beginning. The kids played and got along, his son would sit with my on the couch and it was all fine and good. 
Two years ago we got engaged and my husband moved in with me and my son. My dh doesn't have custody of his son, just every other weekend. And things started to become a bit rocky. I was constantly on edge when we had the boys together, they were always getting into stuff etc and his son started to just be disrespectful and rude to me. I thought maybe it's his age. He was then just 7. But at the same time dh never really had rules at his house. Ss could take his tablet to bed, stay up late, he basically ran the house when he was there. I do not run things like that at my home. We have bed time, no electronics and chores as I'm trying to teach my son responsibility. 
well recently I've noticed my ss pretends to brush his teeth, so I have to go in there and make sure he actually does it. The same thing with showering. Not actually using soap or shampoo. Ugh. He recently got pink eye at his moms from not washing his hands. Gross. 

I am now 9 months pregnant, about to give birth in about 2 weeks. Ss wants zero to do with this. Tells me he hates the name, and "joked" about throwing her in the woods. My dh says I'm picking on him. 
My son and his son share a room with bunk beds while he is here. No big deal. Right. Well a few times I have caught his son in my sons bed with him and made him get in his own bed. I feel like it's completely creepy. This past Labor Day weekend I went in to check on them on Friday and his son was in my sons bed again.  I of course made him go back. Saturday night the same thing. I was like wth is going on. So a little bit later in the night I noticed the door to their room was closed so I ran in and saw him in his bed again. I tore the blankets off and to my complete shock their pants were off. I grabbed my son out of that bed screaming and made him go in my room. He just turned 7. I was flipping out to say the least. I found out my from my son this is not the first time this has happened, and my ss was hard and having my son masterbate him and then he would do the same to my son. I'm absolutely disgusted with this. My dh was mostly on board with me and supportive when we called ss mom who has full custody. Her and his step dad insist that it was just curiosity and if it happens again then we can do something? Ummmm what???? I have taken my son into counseling twice now and have gone once with my husband and once by myself. I am beside myself with this. My husband during the appointment was given quite a few truth bricks because apparently listening to me doesn't work. But now his ex is giving him all this crap about it being normal etc and that I'm over reacting. We tried to schedule ss for a counseling appt and she at first agreed then after she changed her mind because he would have to miss school. She made all this excuses for him, he may have adhd, he makes bad choices etc etc. 

so far we have switched weekends with the boys and my son I think Is fine with it. I've been very honest with him about how it was inappropriate and that those things are normally done between a man and wife etc. 

I don't want this kid at my house at all. My husband said well he is my son and I won't stop seeing him. I get it but now I'm having a little girl. He also has two little sisters with his mom. 
If we weren't married and having a baby id be gone in a heartbeat. We have a Disney trip planned in May next year and luckily I don't think we are going to take ss now. The mom doesn't want us taking him out of school. 

I need advice ladies. 

CLove's picture

And keep that SS away from your son and daughter. Invest in nanny cams.

sickofstephell's picture

I am brand new here and these fake posts are exhausting and usually disturbing and sickening to read.

CLove's picture

However, on the off chance that they arent fake, I want to help.

Also, when folks do a search because they are afraid to post on their own they will find answers.

But, agree.

Hekela1206's picture

Well I'm not faking this unfortunately. Ive been going to a counselor and so has my son. 

CLove's picture

*** Add a trigger warning to your post.

Im so very sorry this is happening. I have not had this happen, but if it were me I would leave. Except that if you leave, your daughter will be there with SS without you to protect her, so you are essentially stuck there. Document all you can.

Hekela1206's picture

I am not sure how to edit my post? I don't want to leave my dh is the thing. We've had an amazing relationship up until this point. And I'm hoping what I've told my son that he now knows better and understands and will tell if he tries. But I'm definitely doing the best I can to keep them separate. The counselor said to ensure that they are never alone. 

notarelative's picture

Stop checking if he washes or brushes his teeth. That's Dad's job.

Boys no longer share a room. You can figure out a way to make this happen. Motion sensor alarm on SS's room door at night.

BD needs to consult a lawyer to figure out how to get SS into counseling.

Keep taking BS to counseling. If he discloses to counselor, the counselor as a mandated reporter will involve child services.  Keep going yourself and with DH.


Hekela1206's picture

Because it's child on child they won't do much. I am ensuring they haven't even seen each other since that weekend but eventually will have to. I'm pushing to set up a room in the finished basement until we move. I love my husband and he isnt necessarily against me doing this but is wanting to believe the good instead of reality. 

notarelative's picture

I'm not sure what you would want them to do. But, they will investigate. Most often when a child is the instigator in a sexual assault, he, himself, has been a prior victim.

Hekela1206's picture

And yes I'm trying to stay out of parenting him anymore. It was hard when I had both at the same time. I want them to have the same rules 

Hekela1206's picture

I'm just not buying him a ticket. His mom before was weird about taking him out of school so I'm just not going to ask again. It will be less stressful for me 

Findthemiddle's picture

I will take you at your word that this is real.  That said, get a grip.  You cannot be serious- you push your son’s well being aside because “other than” this( tremendous) issue you and your spouse get along?  Read what you wrote—-by any measure this is a harmful situation for your son.  Please get your head straight.  You are responsible for your child’s safety.  

SteppedOut's picture

Yea, I came to say this. 

If ANYONE, child or not, did this to my child it would be scorched earth time. NO WAY my child would EVER be around that person again. N.E.V.E.R. !!

And if you weren't working with me, and realize it was a SERIOUS issue, you would be against me. 

No man (or woman) is worth the safety of your child. Not one. 

Findthemiddle's picture

I cannot believe you can mix comments about some stupid vacation intro this post.  What is wrong with you?  Where are your priorities????

Lollybobs's picture

Wow. I can't even begin to wrap my head around a parent who wants to stay with a man who thinks it's ok for his son to abuse thier child.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I don't even know how I would handle it. I would yell, I would scream, I would put the fear of GOD into that child. I would be low, snarky, underhanded in my attempts to make this child who is making concious choices to be an unhealthy influence on my child absolutely miserable - so he'd never WANT to come back.

I don't know if you should care what your husband says at this point. 

Do what you think it's best for your kid. If he leaves, he leaves.

Rags's picture

Get this kid out of your home before he can hurt your new baby.  Baby daddy laughing off his toxic spawns threats tells me more about him that I care to know.  Get this asshole and the product of his shallow and polluted gene pool away from your children and keep him as far away as possible and any interface your new baby to as limited an exposure as you can.

Good luck.

Find a partner with character and never tolerate a ball-less wonder like this guy ever again.

Document, document, document and get the authorities involved to limit the risks to your baby.

irishtwins1617's picture

You need to document all you can - this makes me really upset for your son, and potentially for your new baby.  If your step son is already sexually inappropriate (and doing goodness knows what else), how do you know he won't make good on that threat to throw your baby in the woods??

You also need to speak with a lawyer- you can do this without your husband knowing.  Yes, it may cost you a little bit, but it's worth it for the advice. 

I would be most concerned, if you do decide to split up, what is going to happen if your children are ever at your potential ex's house and the step son is there??  In my opinion, a lot of bio parents (not all, but a lot!!) don't really "see" what their children are doing, and will make excuses, or turn a blind eye. 

I would definitely talk to a lawyer and ask about custody issues - and what you need to do to make sure that step son is never around the other children at all, based on what he's been doing.  Again, this also goes hand in hand with documentation. 

Please, for both your son and babys sake, don't rationalize how "good" your relationship with your husband is, or worry about "being alone," or anything like that.  Their mental and physical health is so important right now, and you are who they are going to look to for protection.  Obviously in at least one instance, you didn't protect your son from him being violated by another child (not saying this is your fault, but at least now you know, and can make sure it doesn't ever happen again). I am not saying divorce or not divorce your husband, but in this case for sure, put your children first in whatever you have to do!

Good luck and, again, document, document, document!  Get a lawyer, be proactive, observant! 

ESMOD's picture

We have seen story upon story on this site where the OP stays with their SO despite the fact that one of their stepkids has caused actual harm and even sexual assault on their child/children.

They come back time and again and complain about the next injury their child suffers despite the FACT that they have had ample warning about the stepchild's issues.

They either think they can be vigalent.. and they can't.. or people that watch the kids too (like the husband).. are lax in their oversight.  

His son needs help.. yes.. by all means.. a kid with these issues needs mental intervention.  It is likely he has suffered abuse himself.  HOWEVER.. even if SS is a victim himself.. it doesn't excuse your allowing your child to be further victimized.

As it is... your child may need some counseling as well.

There needs to be a plan for his son that most likely doesn't include in home residence for the near future.  

If his son will be there.. you may need to be elsewhere with your son.