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Bitingmytongue2020's picture

Looking for advice.....or maybe just a safe place to vent.

My partner and I met 4yrs ago.  At that time, his son was 8 (now 12).  I have 2 children who are older from my previous marriage.  My children were extremely open and understanding to my new relationship and my partner and I took things very slow when introducing me to his young son.  His son was very apprehensive at first and quite rude with me.  He would say horrible things to me which I would brush off as “normal” for a young child meeting a new woman in his fathers life.  I purposely scheduled work around his time with his dad so as not to interfere with “their time”.  It was a very tense 3 yrs but we are gradually “coming around”.  I have been nothing but kind when my partners son speaks of his mother and she and I seem to have a “fair” relationship and understanding of our roles.

My issue stems from the fact that my partner works abroad for half of the year.  He has a “guilt parenting” scenario going on where he feels that if he doesn’t (overly) accommodate his child, that his son won’t love him as much as he loves his mother.  This bothers me to no end as his son is spoiled.  Whatever he wants, he gets.  When he is at our home, my husband doesn’t enforce any rules.  Whatever his son wants, he gets.  My husband already pays a substantial amount for child support and alimony yet doesn’t blink an eye when his son wants a $400 toy, just because.  We are constantly stressing over money, yet, his son seems to know which buttons to push and constantly comes home with something new every time they have a day together.  “No” is not an option.  If his son wants a pop for breakfast, he gets it.  He will request an exorbitant amount of junk food and not eat healthy things.  We have to make an entirely different meal for him as he won’t eat what we have prepared.  I can’t even watch tv and relax as it has to be what HE wants and my partner becomes indifferent with me when I don’t express an interest in sitting for an hour to watch his son play a video game!

His son rules our home when he’s here.  He asked to bring his dog here from his mothers home.  We have a dog already that doesn’t get up on our furniture.  His mothers dog was all over our brand new couch while our dog laid on the floor.  When he asked to bring his dog for a second visit, I said no, and felt like my partner resented my response.

I constantly feel like the “party pooper” but I’m trying to be the sensible one in this.  My partner and I are supposed to be a team, yet, I feel like I can’t speak my piece without feeling like the villain.  My children (who are much older), call him spoiled and can’t stand to be around when he’s here as they see how manipulative and spoiled he is.

Any advice as to how I can open a dialogue with my partner about rules in our home and what is reasonable when it comes to buying him things?  Am I asking too much that his child do chores in order to earn an allowance? (His father just gives him an allowance for nothing).  I raised my children by a different standard (ie help set the table, clear the table, empty/load the dishwasher, clean your room, help around the house in order to earn an allowance etc).  His son doesn’t have to do anything.  My partner is afraid of setting rules because he is afraid his son won’t want to come here anymore.  It is really becoming an issue to the point where I no longer look forward to my partner coming home from abroad as his son runs our household when he’s here.

The recent caveat was a wedding we were invited to (on his weekend).  It is an adult wedding and his son was not invited.  My partners mother was coming to town for it as well, and they both insisted that his son come.  I put my foot down and reiterated that his son was not invited, the wedding was for adults (with a very expensive dinner menu) and it was rude to assume that they could just include him.  I suggested that he contact his ex and switch weekends.  My partner and his mother were not happy but I also said that he could expect (with certainty) that his son would complain non stop that he was bored which would result in my partner having to leave early, not enjoy himself as he would be consumed with entertaining his son, and he deserved to visit with his family that he has not seen in awhile.

Am I wrong?

Kes's picture

This is a very common problem with step parents on this site, ie the bio parent who is either non custodial or sees less of their bio kids than the other parent, being a "Disney Dad" and not setting any rules or boundaries, being overly indulgent and bending themselves out of shape to accommodate unreasonable requests from their kids.  As a result, the kids turn into obnoxious little dictators who are not able to give and take, can't retain friendships at school, and (later) expects the world to owe them a living. Does your partner want this for his son? I suspect not. He may not realise what he is training his son to be - he is just acting out of guilt, and fear that if he sets reasonable rules, his spoiled brat may not want to come any more.  

Like you, when I met my DH I had much older kids whom I'd raised largely successfully, but DH didn't like being told hard truths about how his lack of any boundaries was affecting his children.  Thankfully, in the end, he realised and changed his ways. What your partner needs is to go to parenting classes - but depending how stubborn he is he may resist this idea.  At the least, the two of you need to sit down and agree on a list of house rules, chores etc for his son.  If he doesn't, the boy will become vile, friendless, useless, having no practical skills, no sense of mutuality to others, and be ultra selfish.   

tog redux's picture

To me, this is such selfishness on your DH's part. He's turning his son into an entitled, narcissistic brat who won't be able to function as an adult, out of some sick competition with BM and his need to be the parent SS loves best. Meanwhile, he's ruining his son's chance at being a healthy adult, just to make himself feel better.

Chances are good he will never agree to set rules for his Prince, so just decide which are hills to die on. Separate your funds so he isn't spending your money on his son, and make sure he knows that you expect him to pay his share of all expenses, vacations, retirement, etc.  Then let go of whether or not the kid does chores, eats the meal you cook,  etc - and pick the rules you must have in place for your sanity.

Harry's picture

Let someone else show your SO the errors of his way,  If he then does not get it !!!  You have a major problem.

Again Separate your funds, is a must.  You fo not want to be part of the money grabbing,  you do not want to be paying for your SO problem.   Time to have a good long look at yourself,  as do you want to live like this for reast of your life, playing policewoman.  If he does not change now,  he will never change.  You will have a 35 yo SS that you will be supporting 

Cover1W's picture

Disengage.

Separate all your money. Do not cook separate meals for him yourself, do not help drive him anywhere, get yourself another tv for your use only or learn to stand up and say no to SSs tv use in the shared area (and if your SO buys him his own tv you do not pay and then ignore), you don't take hin to the wedding (let your SO pout). You will likely not he able to institute chores - to this day I cannot so ignore, SO gets to pick up and clean for SS.

Been through all of this. Learn your boundaries. Learn to say bo nice and firm. Do your own thing and don't feel guilty.

Rags's picture

No child, regardless of their age, should ever be tolerated to speak disrespectfully to the mate of their parent.

Ever.

If your SO did not shut that crap down firmly and permanently then... find a new SO.

The situation you describe is not one that is survivable for a quality marriage without major and assertive changes..

Keep that in mind.

oatsnhoney's picture

I vote keep your own place - so he can have quality (program my child to be a crappy citizen) time with his kid and you can relax in the privacy of your own home. Don't forget skids grow up.. and parenting like that could mean failure to launch.. then what? Adult skid living with you? 
 

Life is short, you don't have a child between you, why waist your precious time being forced to watch a skid play video games and just ewww the way he's parenting his child at your expense. No way I could live there.