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rattled's picture

Married 2 + years to a beautiful, wonderful woman that I love with everything. We have 5 kids between us. My 2 are both grown -28 and 24, graduated college, well adjusted doing normal life. Not perfect but productive, loving kids who have never been a problem. They live 2 hours away. My wife has a 16 year old who has several problems but not an issue with our marriage. A 23 year old boy who can't keep a job but doesn't cause issues in our marriage and rarely is around unless he needs money. She has a 29 year old, law degree who acts like a 14 year old.

 At first, she was so put off with her mother marrying me she didn't have anyting to do with us. She is a disturbed  individual, very few if any friends, not a date since I have been with her mother, is milking an illness to stay with us for basically the past month. She has a job but has not been going to work for weeks now. I feel sorry for her and believe she really has some mental issues but it is about to destroy our marriage. My wife continues to make excuses and take her side on every issue. I feel she is enabling her to continue to act like a child. She is fine to go on trips, concerts, weekend getaways but acts too sick at night to go to work. She had asked to move in a while back. I can't live like that and said no. Supposedly she has plans to move in with a friend but if she loses her job (a real possibility) I know what will happen.

She has to be the center of attention at all times. My wife was recently going to have a stressful medical procedure and has been stressed over her daughter. I asked the daughter to be tough for 2 days and say she felt ok so my wife would not worry about her.  She left for 1 hour and was back claiming a panic attack. She is still here despite having her own apartment less than 10 miles away. She has pawned her dog off on the friend she says she plans to move in with (I will not allow her dog in our home - neither will her dad and stepmother). She takes no responsibility, is the most selfish, laziest, self-centered person I have ever encountered. My wife is so blinded by her daughter and has basically tied the success of our marriage to my relationship with her oldest. If I say anything - unfortuantely I have difficulty expressing myself in a tender manner - it creates a big problem, on top of other problems I cause. Anytime I say how I feel about any issue, it always comes back to the oldest daughter.

I need some help how to respond because I was not prepared for this.

elkclan's picture

counselling!! Individual counselling. Then couples. It sounds like the daughter is a piece of work, so I hear you, but being confrontational about it clearly isn't working.

If you think counselling is too expensive, well - you already know how expensive divorce is. 

rattled's picture

Thanks for response. I would be wide open to couples councelling. I don't see any resolution with the daughter, neither she or my wife believe that there is nothing wrong with the situation. My wife talks differently, acts differently, etc with her around. It is like being an unwanted guest in my own home. Thanks again.

SecondNoMore's picture

Look at the way your describe the three children your wife produced. What are the odds that your wife isn't somehow responsible for going 0-for-3 raising self-sufficient, fully functional kids? I don't understand how people can describe their SO's in such glowing terms in a situation like this. Based on her track record, I think you need to accept that healthy boundaries with the daughter are probably not going to happen, so you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate.

rattled's picture

thank you all for the input. It is getting ridiculous. I do agree that apparently my wife and her ex were not preparing their children for real life. The biggest problem of that is I think they both think it isn't any of their fault and the problems now are the fault of the step-parents. They do not have a good relationship with their dad's wife either. Thanks again. Just needing to vent to someone and see if it is me that is wrong or missing something.

Rags's picture

If you have difficulting speaking in a tender manner, don't say anything.

Call a locksmit, rekey the locks and hand the SD a note telling her she is no longer to be in your home for more than an hour a day.  She has an apartment.  Include a print out of the map to her apartment in the note.

End of SD tensions.

Then the work starts. Supporting your bride through the anxiety of her eldest being gone and responsible for her own issues.

Time for tough love for your bride and excruciating lessons for your eldest SD.

Good lucki.

Take care of you.