Help
I have a 17 yr old SD and she is sabatoging my marriage of only 2 years. My H and I get along great when she isn't around. She refuses to get a job, has actually sabatoged two job interviews, claims she medically diagnosed with social anxiety ( NOT TRUE), is manipulative toward her F and is disgustingly dirty, refuses to shower, leaves feminine products out of the garbage, her room smells of mold and dirty clothes, she refuses to do laundry and I am expected to clean up after her and my H says " we need to take baby steps to teach her" baby steps.. wth is that. The woman can't even make KD. Her BM is not in the pic as much as most BM and my SD says she hates seeing her.
When she come to our house all she does is eves drop on conversations, lie to her F and plays video games ALL day!
I need to know if I should disengage, talk to my H , or how to handle this. In my eyes she needs to get a job, and start being independent, my SD has even told me, she is never moving out and her dad won't make her. !
DISCOUAGED AND READY TO SNAP!
OY! You have your hands full.
OY! You have your hands full.
Is the house you all live in yours or his from before, or a new home?
If it is yours, this get's easier. I would totally pull the this is my house card. If it is a join new house I would do the same. Go into her room and take the power cord from her video game console and TV. When her room and bathroom are clean, she can have it back.
Changing the Wifi password is good fun too. She can have the daily wifi password once X,Y,Z chores are done.
At 17 there is no time for baby steps. Baby steps was for when she was 5,6,7 years old and basic chores were being taught. Now is time for real life boot camp.
Also, you and DH need to get on the same page and have a contract with SD for her life after HS. My kids have been raised since they were toddlers knowing that after they graduate they can only live at home if:
But you and DH need to be on the same page when it comes to this stuff or you are going to have a 35 year old slob mooching off of you before you know it!
We have the same rules
And DH has to kick SS out because he's now graduated high school, 18, and refuses to do for himself. I'm looking forward yo SS being elsewhere & not having a key to my home anymore. Too late for my SS becsuse he's blown all opportunities & my goodwill out the door with the lazy manipulative entitlement.
That's what I'm afraid of, is
That's what I'm afraid of, is the 40 yr old moocher. We bought a new home together. I had reached the brass ring , meaning my two girls were gone and independent when I met my H. His parenting style is SO different then mine. I believe in boundaries, rules, accountabilty and honesty. While he thinks his kid can do NO wrong and I'm just feeling "threatened" by her, ( his words not mine). My SD has already said she doesn't want to to to college (going into grade 12 this September), and the reason she won't work , I am told is, she doesn't like ppl, she doesn't like the heat, she doesn't like being social..
How do I get my H on the same page when he doesn't see a problem. He honestly believes , she will figure this out. My SD has already said to both myself and my H, " the only I'm moving out, is if you kick me out, and dad won't do that".
I honestly don't know what I
I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes. Parenting was discussed and witnessed by DH and I before we moved in and before we married. We are on the same page. Parenting is not why I am on this page.
I think I would have to put my foot down though. I couldn't live like you are. I would tell DH tonight at dinner that you are done with the stench from SD's room and bathroom and that you are taking away TV until she cleans it up. You don't want bugs in the house because she can't clean. If he doesn't think a 17 year old can handle it, he can help (maybe he will see how gross it is). Also, since she doesn't want to work for pay she can work in the house. Her new chores starting this week will be- A, B, C. She will also be responsible for cooking 1 dinner a week along with learning to budget and shop for said dinner.
I think it is HUGE that kids learn this and have done it with mine since they were in about 2nd grade. I give the a budget ($15 or so) to come up with a dinner and shopping list for the dinner. They come to the store, they bring the list, they shop and buy the food- I even make them check out separately and then we cook together. At 10 and 12 my kids can cook a number of meals. They are going to be ok as adults. SD needs to learn these things and if you approach it as teaching not punishment- DH has no excuse. He does want his daughter be able to take care of herself one day, right?
What kind of man allows his
What kind of man allows his daughter to live like this, in his own home?
Baby steps? She's seventeen, that boat has sailed. Refuses to do her laundry or clean up after herself? Who's the parent, here?
You need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your husband, then he needs to have one with his daughter.
Exactly
Am I wrong for wanting my SD in having rules, chores ( my H) even suggested I leave her lists or notes for chores to do.! SHE IS 17! When I first met my now H she could do what she wanted ( which was nothing), had no accountability for anything and now I feel like if I don't get her straightened out it's my fault. My H is the biggest procrastinator I know, if I don't start conversations with my SD he won't cause he doesn't want to upset her or make waves, " just let her be" is what I've been told.
She returns to our home in 7 days to get ready for school and I'm seriously dreading it! She stirs up drama, fights, and lies when she is here.!
First point here is that your
First point here is that your DH is the problem. He raised her. He allowed her to get to this point.
Second... whether it's diagnosed or not.. she may well have social anxiety. I have some myself though I haven't gone to see anyone about it.. it's just my personality to not feel comfortable around groups of people I don't know.
Third.. why does she need to get a job? She is 17, not 18 yet. Has she graduated HS? Does she have needs that exceed her dad's/the household's ability to support it? Does she go to school? Many people prefer their teens not work. But of course, both my SD's did get jobs to supplement and to pay their own vehicle costs.. but all families are different in this expectation. Of course, there should be some launch plan for when she graduates HS and turns 18.
finally.. he is right to an extent and baby steps so mean forward progress... but what are the steps? What is he actually working on with her? how does that fit into the grand plan of her being a productive adult on her own? You and he need to sit down and have a calm discussion (ie not right after you find the used pad on the floor of the BR) about what he expects.. what you want/expect and how it will be accomplished and what help and direction they can give to SD to actually meet the goals.
I would stop parenting her
I would stop parenting her completely. You care too much. Why try to parent her only to have her father criticize you? What's in it for you? Who gives a crap. Let the B*tch rot. Here are the steps to mental clarity and peace.
1. Go back to loving and showing affection to your DH everyday.
2. Never talk about SD again.
3. Stop spending your money and time on SD.
4. Stop providing anything for SD. This includes food, transportation, toiletries, clothing, time, gifts, small talk, questions of concern, cooked food, favors, eye contact, requests etc.
5. Spend more time pampering yourself. Go back to who you were. Pick up hobbies, activities, social time with friends, extra job, volunteering etc. Go back to being you!
6. When she lies, just shrug and say "oh ok." then continue what you're doing.
7. Everytime she starts a fight, just shrug your shoulders an say "oh ok." and walk out of the room.
8. When she leaves dishes, just let them stack up. When she leaves dirty pads, just let them stack up.
9. Everytime you see SD, put your nose up in the air like she is trash and you are too good for her bullsh*t.
This works. Trust me.
Great list!
I like your list. That's all stuff I'm doing, and very happy that it's working.
I love this response!! Take
I love this response!! Take care of you first, and I would also add tell DH what you expect and by what time frame and if it doesn’t happen by that time you will be reevaluating thing. Or don’t tell him and just make it up in your own mind by what date you will bring this up..... and then your choice at that point to clearly set that boundary, or walk (whatever seems a better choice to you).
Your H is the problem for
Your H is the problem for allowing this behavior for 17 years. What baby steps are there to take? She's old enough to know the basics of cleaning up after herself and should know how to do chores. Your H has enabled her and you are paying the price. You care too much and if this is my house I'd get rid of that game and MAKE her clean her room. I don't understand how anyone can allow someone in their home live in filth. Its unsanitary and at the end of the day this is YOUR home.
These kids are given too many options. She wouldn't have a choice with me, either you clean your room or I'll take away everything that you love until you learn. That means no games, wifi, laptop, phone, etc. Why isn't she given any consequences?