He was ANGRY when the divorce was finalized. WTF?
Boyfriend and I have been together since April 2017, so I was really looking forward to his divorce being finalized as something to celebrate. He was married for a little more than a year and the divorce process took twice as long. They were both at each other's throats about so many details. The final details were christmas spelled out and clarified (even though it outlined when he would have his son), changes about how much he would pay for college room and board if his son studies abroad, and ensured time with his son on his birthday. He made his own changes on the decree document (he did the last half of his divorce pro se) and was hoping the judge would apply what he wanted.
This particular evening we had plans to go to Jim Jefferies, (comedy show) because he got tickets for my birthday. It was a Friday and he had the day switched with BM but he still watched his son starting at 2. (Before decree was signed, he had his son ever Friday and Saturday night, so Friday night dates were SUPER rare.) He said he was watching him from 2 - 5, and i asked if it was until 5, or if it was whenever she’s off work since she's never on time. He said whenever she’s off work. He ended up getting to the hand-off (where she works) at 6:30 and the show was at 8.
He came to my place after and when he arrived as I was getting ready, he said he had to go for a walk to cool off about something that happened, that didnt’ have anything to do with me and him. It threw me off and worried me, but I said ok. He left his phone and keys. It was 7pm by that point. When he came back I asked what’s going on, is everything ok. He said when he arrived at the hand-off, BM greeted him by saying “congratulations, ex husband.” He said what do you mean. He said she received the final, signed decree by the judge and he didn’t yet. He asked if the final decree was the most recent version submitted, (without the changes he wanted) she said yes, and that’s what got him so upset.
He was so mad about not getting these things and couldn’t focus on the good, which is he was officially, finally, divorced. Or that we were on a rare Friday night date. He was snappy and angry, and when I got upset about how he was acting, he was telling ME to get over it. I eventually said ok. I just want to have a good night. Let’s just enjoy it. We enjoyed the show, but then after he was back in his mood and we argued the rest of the evening.
I've come to my threshold a few times and said I'm done and this is over, because I can't take how much this is taking over his focus and emotions. He ends up begging that we don't break up, validating how I feel, promising he'll take the steps to be where he needs to be, so we try and work on moving forward.
I moved all of the things I had at his place into my place and let him know it's done. I feel so shattered and sad, but I want to be sure I do the best thing for myself. I'm so sad it's over. Am I being unreasonable? Do you think this will all blow over in time? I'm just looking for your guys' thoughts, perspectives, and maybe any relating experiences. Thank you all <3
Anger Management!
Anger Management!
I was with somebody who used to pick fights and pick on me when he was upset or anxious about something else. It was not a happy marriage. By the end of it - the criticism and volatility near about wrecked me.
It's good he tried to take a walk to cool off. But it's not ok for him to take things out on you.
Also no matter how happy you are to get away from someone, I think it's hard when it's final. I think. My divorce isn't final yet. I've been separated for over 3 yrs and with my SO for almost 1.5 yrs and we're planning to get married (yay!) but I won't beat myself up if I have mixed feelings about the final decree - even though it's what I want and I was a thousand times happier living apart from my ex and a million times happier with my SO.
It's a good thing you left.
It's a good thing you left. You would not have the patience for how much dealing with a child and an ex becomes the focus of everything, especially if there is a lot of conflict (and two years to end a 1 year marriage spells high conflict).
This is bizarre behavior to
This is bizarre behavior to me, personally.
DH had a VERY rocky divorce, which drug on for the better part of a year. He was SO elated, relieved, what have you, once it was finalized. We even went out and celebrated that night.
My divorce was easy peasy and even I was relieved for it to be done and final. That was after a 16 year marriage, too.
So, your BF is bent on 3 years AND angry? I’d recommend counseling - individual and couple. Also, think long and hard before you legally hitch your wagon to all of this.
I think your exBF was
I think your exBF was understandably more upset that he was not awarded the custody he wanted than he was happy about the divorce being finalized. That technicality doesn't change anything in his life right now. The custody matters are no small thing he can just shake off to celebrate with you.
You are right to end this relationship. The effects of a high conflict ex will influence his moods for years to come. It eventually CAN get better, but sometimes it doesn't.
I can see where anger would
I can see where anger would come from. My DH was sad when they signed the final papers. It was a long drawn out process, and legally she got custody initially, which stung, he knew she wouldn't take care of them, and at the time he thought she'd take them away as a power move. So he was upset. Glad the divorce was finalized (it took about a year and a half from the time she moved in with her bf thanks to her continually trying to delay everything.) but upset because to him he felt like legally all he was becoming was a sperm donor (which as you can see form how things have been panning out is DEFINITELY not true). He thought she wasn't going to take care of them and they were going to suffer and it stung. I think his anger could come simply from being blindsided. He didn't see it coming today and it was upsetting that NONE of his changes got to go through like they should have. His ex had the upper hand.
However, regardless of understanding where anger COULD come from, he shouldn't have taken it out on you. You didn't do anyting, it wasn't your fault, and he was finally divorced. It would have been better if he could have pushed it all aside. If you didn't like how things were panning out, plus the fact she's OBVIOUSLY high-conflict. I think your choice is probably a good one for YOU. Because even if you understand anger, it being taken out on you, I think shows a look into the future, and it's not fair for you.
I don’t think he is upset he
I don’t think he is upset he is divorced, I think he is upset he didn’t get what he wanted... which is understandable.
I would say maybe call him and have a chat- I am going to assume he is prob very upset right now that you left as well.
Maybe just tell him you feel overwhelmed and need a breather for a few weeks to wrap your head around things.
These people get so wrapped
These people get so wrapped up in winning when they divorce that they can't see anything else.
I wouldn't date anyone going through a divorce because of this. It's their battle, their history, their mistake, so why should you be taken along for the awful ride?
Even after they divorce, it takes a long time for the dust to settle, for them to get over the anger. Recently divorced men I dated were so angry, resentful and women-hating. After dating a few, I was done with that crap.
I say you did the right thing. Let him figure out who he's going to be now that this chapter is done. He might be great in a year or two, but in the meantime, you won't be dealing with his baggage. Maybe you will find each other again in a year or two and he'll be fantastic. But if you stay with him now, he'll probably destroy your relationship anyway with his resentment that has nothing to do with you (well, he actually already did destroy your relationship with his resentment).
Go find a hottie with no ex and no kids!!!
never do anything pro se
especially if this is the first go around in court.
also
I read some of your previous posts and make sure that you realize , he and his ex will be always linked somehow because they have a child together. She will be in your life in some shape or form until that child is 18 (or through college). It sounds like from the previous posts she is high conflict. Realize that the conflict will follow you. It will not make life easy for you.
Good point, amyburemt...
...people kill their exes over custody and money issues.
This guy has a looooong way to go until he finds some peace...and he may never find it.
I was shocked at how bitter and angry some divorced men are. They truly hate women and if it weren't for the male libido, they'd probably never have anything to do with a woman again.
I completely understand why
I completely understand why he was upset, but when you try to cheap out on the court system you often end up paying more in the long run as this guy will soon find out.
It sounds like he's not in the right mind frame to be in a relationship right now. He needs time to heal, reframe his life and focus on parenting his kid and there's not much emotional bandwidth left over.
Move along and make sure the next guy you get involved with isn't dragging so much baggage.
Why wasn't he releived the
Why wasn't he releived the divorce is over?? Angry makes me wonder if he still has feelings for his now ex. Maybe he didn't want the divorce??
The opposite of love is
The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. Some tend to drag out the divorce process because they are either still in love with their ex and are stalling OR they’re still hurt and trying to hurt back. You did well. Either way he is not emotionally stable for a relationship at this time. He needs time to figure out why he’s still so angry when it concerns BM and divorcing after all this time with you. You need to take some time and figure out if he is emotionally available for you and if he isn’t if it’s something you can live with because he’s not likely to change.
I left mine too and it's been
I left mine too and it's been really hard- some days are better than others- it's just rough.