He walked out tonight....

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Well after many years of strife and discord (all my fault according to DH), DH left in a huff tonight after a conflict and said it was over. He was supposed to take DD age 12 to a dr appointment after school today (for her meds) but at the last minute he was working on his computer. So even though I'm tired and have taken her places every day after school this week (typical, he ignores her but does everything for SD) I said I would take DD to dr appointment so he could finish his work. While driving home from the appt in bumper to bumper traffic at 530 DH texts me that he is at a happy hour with a local group and could I join him? I was furious because he was supposed to take DD to appointment but instead he goes to a happy hour? So when I got home I was talking about the drs advice about the meds and I realized in talking to him that he does not even know the med dosage that DD takes (she has anxiety issues). I was still angry about the happy hour so I said 'oh what meds does SD take again' (she has adhd)and when he told me I said 'and what dose is she on, my friend asked me because her daughter might want to try it" (true)...to which he ignored me. DD got upset that he was ignoring me and started screaming at him to stop ignoring me, at which point he hit her across the head. He has hit her in the head recently twice and this time I said I would call 911 if he ever did that again and I took DD and we went for a drive. When we came home he had his bag packed and he said to DD "I'm leaving, your mom and I can't get along, blah blah blah". To which she started crying hard and clinging to him and begging him to not leave but he walked out anyway. Ok who does this to their kid, just springs it on them like that and traumatizes them and leaves? Meanwhile, DD thinks its her fault that he left because she screamed at him. He texted me and said its over and that it is all my fault and that I'm not able to control my mouth or my behaviors. Wow. My past posts have been met with responses which asked why I would stay with someone like him. I guess I know now that he is not a good man, what man would do that to their kid like that? I knew we might separate at some point but I figured at least we would sit down together with DD and explain and have a script, not have him take over and just tell her like that. But really he has never treated me like a partner anyway so why would he start now I guess? I'm so so sad for DD, she was so distraught tonight and crying and crying that she wanted her daddy back. And I'm a SAHM so of this whole thing is very scary to me because if I have to go back to work full time I worry that DD will suffer. Just feeling numb right now and could use some advice/feedback.

Listen to her. She gives good

Listen to her. She gives good advice.

I would go ahead and call the police right now and have a report. That will make things easier for you and your DD in the long run. You and I both know that it wasn't your fault and that he has a problem. If he gets unsupervised visitation, what kind of things is he going to be angry with YOU about but take it out on your daughter. Poor kid.

Thank you Dtzy.....I think he

Thank you Dtzy.....I think he was going to leave while we were out driving but we came home and caught him in the middle of it, then he just abruptly launched into his speech. He could have just said I'm going for a drive. Or he could have waited till the morning after she went to school to leave?
He does not think it was ok to hit her on the head, he said that when he was talking to her. But she and I push his buttons and he explodes. He has been verbally abusive to me for several years. I am not allowed to question anything, if I do he says I'm unreasonable or intrusive. He frequently says "stay out of my busines". This is a marriage? Who says that to their spouse?
Anyway, I know its for the best. But how do you heal with kids involved? I've been divorced before but with no kids. This is going to be very hard.

See this as a new start for

See this as a new start for you and your daughter. File for CS and spousal support till you can find a job.

Love on your daughter and be honest with her. Tell her that you and daddy don't get along and explain it in away that will help her see it's not her fault that her father is a spineless asshole.

A perk, is you no longer have to deal with SD either.

I just used find my iphone

I just used find my iphone app and see that he is at his ex's house with SD's, probably letting them tell him what a great guy he is. Since we've been married he has talked to his ex about our problems etc. He has no intention of getting back with her, she is a mess and he has no respect for her, I do know that. But the fact that he went there tonight instead of getting a hotel is infuriating.

Yes Coooookies he blames me

Yes Coooookies he blames me for all problems in our marriage.
He texted me this morning and said he would come home if I "could admit that I treated him poorly in front of DD (by asking the med questions)" and that "if you stop behaving like you did it won't come up (meaning the hitting of DD on her head).
He makes everything my fault.He just texted me and said his "conscience is clear". This man is a narcissist, I truly believe it.
But a part of me wants him to come home because DD was so upset that he left. I don't know what to do.

Nice try asshole.....I really

Nice try asshole.....I really hope you are not buying into that attempt to turn this around to be about you instead of his completely outrageous behavior.

Your daughter is not old

Your daughter is not old enough to know that her father is sick in the head. This is where you, as an adult and MOTHER, say "ENOUGH! I am not going to live in a situation where my daughter is getting physically as well as emotionally abused."

Even if he never laid a hand on her, just ignoring her while favoring SD is enough emotional abuse for the poor girl.

God, what a fucking prick!

God, what a fucking prick! Aghgh! He's scared shitless because he KNOWS he fucked up. And fucked up BIG TIME. So, what is his move? Act like it's all on you and hope you don't notice?

I hope your dd is ok and

I hope your dd is ok and you're all in my prayers. You need to get away from this guy and consider pressing charges on him. He is just as big of a mess and jacka$$ as BM.

Bunny he is very wealthy. But

Bunny he is very wealthy. But he controls all the money. I would come out of divorce ok so at least I wouldn't have to freak about money. But I would definitely need to get a job. I worked very hard at high level jobs for years before DD. Have been SAHM since she was born. So it would be change for us.

He can tell you he has no

He can tell you he has no respect for BM and he'd never go back to her all he wants. Clearly he did go running to her when he left.

File a report about him hitting your daughter, file for an order of protection for the two of you, file for divorce and get yourself a piranha lawyer to go after as much CS and alimony as possible.

Im just like WOW.You can only

Im just like WOW.You can only do what YOU feel is best. If it were me, the smacking DD in the head AND going to his exes house would have killed it for me. Then he's telling you that he wouldn't have done it if YOU hadn't…… thats BS. It seems like something is on with the ex whether its emotional or what. I would be INFURIATED if my DH talked about our problems with an ex. I flipped out when he discussed our issues with SD.

Does he hit SDs like that ? With all the things you have stated and him treating SDs better than he treats your DD, Id be long gone.

He hit your kid in the head?

He hit your kid in the head? like not playing not hand smack or a butt swat but hit her upside the head in an agressive way?
Okay I admit I have a little crazy BM in me and anyone who hits my kid in front of me is going to get their ass beat, other parent or not. And if I managed to overcome my base instinct enough to realize the guy coud kill me and I should be concerned for my safety, I would then wait till that motherfucker was asleep and I'd hit him in the head with something hard enough to make sure I had time to fuck him up good and be long gone before he ever woke up.

So now that you understand my mindset, I don't think you can stay with him if he thinks it's okay to hit your kid. period.
If you really think this is an aberration and that there is something to salvage in this mess, then at the very least he needs to acknowledge he was wrong and get his ass into counseling/parenting classes pronto. Be very careful, because if he were to lose it again and your daughter gets hurt or even gets a small mark or a bruise, the cops/CPS will take her away from you too if they think there was any prior indication he was capable of hurting her and you did not take steps to protect her.

Me too. Except I couldn't

Me too. Except I couldn't control my base instinct. I attacked a 400 lb man who was deliberately scaring my toddler because he thought it was funny that my son was crying. Luckily, he wasn't the type to hit a woman even if she was freaking out and hitting him about the head and shoulders.

I hate adults who tease

I hate adults who tease children. I HATE THEM.

^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS !

Your DH sounds like such a

Your DH sounds like such a fucking prissy motherfucker. Quite the diva isn't he with those dramatics? I am just so mad for you and your DD I can't think of anything else but this. Sorry.

Now is a good chance to take

Now is a good chance to take to your daughter about family violence and how it is never okay to be hit out of sheer anger. Spanking is one thing but aggressively hitting a child in the head is not. All you need to tell her is that you need to protect her and that you are a strong woman who won't stand for that in your home.

I can totally understand the conflicting feels. Your DD is devastated and riddled with guilt but what is better? She grows up with an unpredictable sociopath that may or may not knock her out one day for no reason or for you to nurture a safe environment for her. She will respect you more in the long run from walking away from that situation. Not to mention a looming divorce is hard enough on everyone including yourself.

Although on the flip side I would be scared every time he had visitation with her alone.

I feel for you and am sending some good ju-ju out your way.

Okay, I'm going to sound

Okay, I'm going to sound harsh but I hope you take what I say to heart because I think this situation is horrible for all involved, and that in order to change the situation, you must know how to change yourself.

1. I understand you were pissed about the doctor's appointment thing as you had a right to be, but no good has ever come from being passive aggress about it--namely, asking him those questions with the intent on catching him and showing him just how much he doesn't know and doesn't care. I am guessing neither you nor your husband know how to have an adult conversation, and de-escalate your ways of communicating to each other. I think you should read up on how to talk to someone who has a temper, and realize one of the worst things in any relationship is that instead of communicating like adults with the other person, resort to being passive aggressive.

2. Your DD should not have been there to witness the above, nor should she have cut in and yelled at your husband, her dad. No matter what the issue is, unless it is unsafe, she should have stayed out of it and you should have sent her out of the room the moment you had the intention of acting on your unhappiness, which was what you did by starting on him. Even if it were unsafe, she should have gone directly to calling the police, not stepping in. As a mother myself, I find that to not have sent her out of the room, knowing what her father is like when he's upset, makes me at least partially responsible for the trauma it caused her because I knew my actions of calling him out on it would make him upset. I am not sure why you didn't, perhaps in the heat of the moment, but please be aware that children shouldn't have to witness this animosity because even if it blows over between the two of you, it stays in their minds long after.

3. He 's a douchebag and you need skills to know how to deal with said douchebag, the first of which is to take the power away from him, which at this point, if you can 't fix this relationship, is to walk out and never look back.

Finally, remember that it is better to die on your feet than stand on your knees. I'd choose a homeless shelter for me and BD than have to live one more moment with a verbally and physically abusive asshole.

I wish you the best and hope you stay strong.

I agree. I wanted to say

I agree. I wanted to say also that when DD started screaming at her dad, that would have been a good time to send her into timeout or room. She would know it was inappropriate to do that and it would have given you and DH the space to talk it through. I'm thinking he felt ganged up on and with his inhibitions already lowered by the alcohol, he lashed out. WHICH DOESNT MAKE IT RIGHT. There are multiple elements to this. You should have called him out on his shirking his responsibilities for a happy hour the minute it happened. That was low and he should have been called out. IMO, this had nothing to do with SD or how he favors one over the other. I know that's your sensitive spot, but first things first. He screwed up when he blew off the doctor appointment for his daughter. Then he went to happy hour instead. Then he hit her. The guy has a lot of nerve and doesn't seem to know when to quit digging his hole. Frankly, he dug his own grave by now.

Where is she blaming the

Where is she blaming the victim? Do you think the OP has no responsibility in this at all? I agree she has none in the abuse of her daughter. But do you think she didn't do anything wrong at all? I'm curious. Not trying to be combative.

Your daughter will probably

Your daughter will probably thrive being out of this toxic environment. I loved my dad more than anything, AND we're Catholic, but when my mom got him to leave my childhood insomnia went away in, like 2 days. I worked part time until my middle one was a sophomore in college, now I'm full time but I still get home at the same time as DD14. try and find something like that. Whorebag used to slap my neice Sweetiepie upside the head- HARD - when she was little. Still makes me cringe to think about it.

sueu I think you're first

sueu I think you're first post rocks but I kindly disagree with your second. So in your case when you jumped on your dad at 11 years old, he should have beat your ass cause you tried to choke him ? I agree the OP should not argue in front of her kids and should not have taken the passive aggressive approach but as you said in your first post the DD felt she had to protect her mother from her dad. He should not have hit her in her head.

Ah, life.

Im not saying you're wrong

Im not saying you're wrong for jumping on your father, Im saying that I don't feel you should jump on the OP about not disciplining her daughter for yelling at her dad. Neither of us knows the full extent of what goes on in her household. If BD is feeling like her dad mistreats her and treats SDs better than her, then I would expect some resentment and anger. I had a rough childhood, growing up, it wasn't the worst but not close to the best and I definitely had some come to jesus moments with my dad.

Right now you have a 12 year old who is distraught that her dad smacks her and then brings her into the bullshit by saying I'm leaving your mom cause we don't get along. If that was my DH, I would have knocked his teeth down his throat right then and there. Whether the OP started it, the aggression passed down to his daughter when it was meant for the mother.

I do agree that you should not fight in front of your children ever but what you did was not so much different than what the 12 year old did, which was defending her mother.

I agree with all of your first post but a grown man should not be smacking his 12 year old daughter in the head.

Call 911 on his toxic ass and

Call 911 on his toxic ass and re-key the locks. Let him live under the local overpass where he belongs.

Well, I have had a terrible 3

Well, I have had a terrible 3 days and just signed on and read ALL these posts. I am thinking about a lot of things that you all wrote, very good points. And I will take responsibility that I was being passive aggressive when I asked about SD's meds because I was trying to prove a point that DH knows every minute detail of SD's needs and life, and knows very little about DD's. And I figured I could throw these passive aggressive barbs at him under the radar and DD would not pick up on it. But it was wrong of me to do and I definitely instigated things.
DH came back home after one night, which I previously posted that he apparently spent at BM's house with SD there also. I imagine he went in like a hurt puppy and had them comfort him, but I also believe that SD actually told him to come back home. SD loves DD very much and I know SD does not want our family to break apart because she has lived her whole life (since 1 year old) with divorced parents and has been going back and forth between houses for her entire life. I am so deeply disturbed however that he went to BM's house. He has promised me in the past that he was not discussing our marriage with BM, but of course he did that night he stayed there. It is humiliating to me that he went there, even if I am sure they had nothing sexual going on. Bottom line is that I let him come home because I did not want him to leave in a way that DD would feel responsible.

So when he came home I asked him where he had spent the night and he said "none of your business, I have a right to go to a safe place". Then we got into a brief discussion about how things went down that night and I said he needed to admit that he was 50% of the problem in this marriage, but he could not do it (nor has he ever, he has always maintained that all problems are my fault). He said I was just a "troublemaker" who was always instigating things and starting conflict.blah blah blah.

So the fact that he hit our daughter in the head and then told her he was moving out, that fact that he refuses to accept any responsibility for the fact that his actions cause harm in our marriage, and the fact that he went to BMs house after a big fight, has made me want him gone and actually regretful that he came back. But I"ve decided to lay low for at least a month. I called an attorney and will be seeing them next week. And meanwhile I'm trying to fade quietly into the background for a few weeks so that DD does not associate herself with any separation that will occur. I just don't know if I'll be able to do it when push comes to shove. Friends that see us together think we are such a great couple, and don't now half of what goes on in our house. I'm actually afraid of kicking him out and having life be so shitty (for a variety of reasons) that I start thinking 'why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut and live my life without getting in his way etc etc.. I am working on a plan and working up my courage. Thank you for all the advice and certainly I'll take to heart any more thoughts that anyone has.

Generic, I forgot to also say

Generic, I forgot to also say that when he texted me about going to the HH, I blew a gasket and texted him back a nastygram about how he was supposed to have taken DD to the dr and had I known he was going to a HH I would have not taken her. But I did not want DD to know what was going on so I just texted and did not call him etc. He texted me back that I should "give him a fucking break", he would only be 5 min late for our planned family dinner. So when I walked in the door, I was mad but I didn't want DD to know and thats when I started with the passive aggressive questions about SD's meds, and it went downhill from there. So its not like he didn't know I was mad about the HH, etc.