OMG who pissed in his Cheerios??? Ya, he needs some alone time to think about what he did. Geez, even sd is being nicer to you that him.

WTF? You vent here honey, its okay.

Sometimes my DH is a jerk and says the most ridiculous things, mostly when the skid is in the same zip code with us. His kids bring out the asshole in him. It sucks.

My DH has been a jerk today too. Everything I say is nagging. Seriously...everything. He had a fit because he was glitter penning his daughters name onto their new stockings....well SD5 picked hers up because she was excited and wanted to see it close...and she smeared the first letter of her name. You would think the sky was falling. He rants and raves about how I nag....basically making sure the girls basic needs were taken care of while I was at work...as he usually cant be bothered to parent his kids....I have to do it for him. I think he hates having them here for the whole week because then its a WHOLE WEEK that isn't about him. I am wrapped up in the kids...playing with them...spending time with them...talking to them....and I'm not walking around behind him bowing at his feet. I just don't think he can stand it. He's a selfish man. I'm not in hate mode......but I seriously dislike it that is for sure.

Did you buy the plane tickets to go visit your family? Go, go go. That ought to get the message across to him that you tolerate him only when he is not being an asshole.

Go and have fun. It is the best revenge. These guys need a shock to their system in order to recognize bad behavior.

None of this makes you anything. Take a real good look at where you are right now.

If there is still time to pack up and book a quick flight in your situation, I would do such in a NY minute.

So sorry that you are hurting.

Hugs~

Oh honey, so sorry. I was just thinking about posting about what an ass DH is being about Christmas, but you beat me to it. I currently do NOT have my two BDs because DH decided Christmas Eve was the day he HAD to drive two hours round trip to see SD17. So I won't see my BDs for at least FOUR hours on Christmas Eve. And yet DH is complaining because we're going to my parents' house to open presents later and I am ruining his Christmas Eve with my stupid family traditions he doesn't even want to be part of. I offered to take our two BDs by MYSELF while he stayed home and wrapped presents (because he left it to the last minute), but that just instigated a screaming, spitting, hate-filled rant about how Christmas Eve is supposed to be time for FAMILY. Yeah, like I want to spend "family" time with HIM right now! How are you holding up?

I don't know what to say except that I know exactly how you feel and it really sucks. You have been treated very wrongly and you can't even defend yourself because he is being the judge as well as the opposition. This is where communication breaks down because they can't even hear us while we try to defend ourselves. And why are we defending ourselves? What did we do that was so bad?

I'm so sorry. What a messed up, lonely feeling. It's pretty hard to put on the good face and join the party when you feel like you're being unfairly punished and the fun has been sucked right out of the occasion.

Is DH stressing a lot? He still shouldn't take it out on you, but if that's the case he may pull his head out later and apologize. Not that it will save the day, but at least he may see your side.

Dear Brightside - I am new this forum and just saw your post. I hope I can be of some help to you. I am 56 years old and in my third marriage which overall is in pretty good shape up until recently -- when after some unpleasant drama - I made the decision to finally address some incredible dysfunction involving my husband and his two adult daughters (33 & 27) and their continuing hatred for me. It has been 17 years since I came into their lives -- it is time to not be part of the dysfunction by denying my true feelings. This is why I joined this forum & have already been supported by so many courageous people.

If any part of my story feels helpful to you then I am so grateful and will be here for you. If not, just take what works and leave the rest.

First, for your DH to verbally abuse you is bad enough but to do it in front of his daughters is to victimize two more people. Shame on him. It is clear that he has a lot of work do to on his temper, self control and literally on himself.

If only we COULD get our partners to see their own stuff -- but we cannot necessarily do so. Sometimes though the work we do on ourselves (forums like this in additiona to taking an inward journey with a good therapist as a guide - women's groups - led by a good therapist,etc.) can precipitate our partners to begin a similar journey.

Fact: women do this far more than men. Fact: there comes a point when we realize we cannot wait for them to do so.

I feel that you have been trying for a very long time to make this work. I feel that you have done almost all of the "heavy lifting" in this relationship. You must be exhausted, my friend...

There comes a time when we can no longer deny what we are feeling. I learned early on in childhood to deny my true feelings, pretend everything was okay, and take on blame for pretty much all upset and discord going on around me, which manifests today in doing more than my fair share of apologizing!. As a child living in a dysfunctional home this was all I COULD do. Now that I am older and walking this inner journey through the help of a good therapist - I can see this dynamic and how it operates in me still.

I am beginning the work of doing it differently. I can sense the presence of this little girl still inside me and know "she" needs me to protect her in a way she didn't and couldn't for "herself". I am just in the beginning stages of this work -- and it isn't easy -- and I am 56 years old -- BUT I just have to do it. I refuse to continue to deny my true feelings because to do so is to deny and abandon my true self.

Again, take what fits - leave the rest - and continue reaching out.

TBS, I don't know you but I have experienced this type of thing and it sounds like verbal abuse. And abusers don't apologize or admit when they are wrong. It's always up to you to smooth it over. I've been there. Check out Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site. VA can be very subtle, but when it flares up, it is often shocking and disorienting. The reaction is disproportionate to the "offense" as it was in your case. Whether he's just taking things out on you or just keeping you in line, it is inexcusable. My ex used to berate, badger, belittle, blast, etc in such a way that all I could do is shut down. And if I tried to fight back it escalated. Maybe some people can live with it but it just eroded the trust and love I had for him. I didn't feel 'safe' anymore.
Hugs and best wishes.

BrightSide, I have a very good book I would like to suggest to you if you like to read. Our situations are similar in many ways and this book helped me more than any book ever has. It is "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr Wayne W Dyer. Basically he tells on pages 243-249 what the typical marriage looks like.....more on a equal level to start, children become wife's responsibility along with the home, husband seeks his career and climbs the ropes which boosts his self-esteem while wife's is suffering at home needing support and not getting it. After years of unmet needs and feeling like a slave to her husband and family anger sets in in the wife to a point she doesn't even understand, she cuts people out of her life because she just cannot take the hurt and criticism anymore. Intamcy goes (or perhaps has been gone), husband no longer sees the marriage as fun and make seek attention elsewhere, wife decides to find herself and looks for a career to give her her own independent wings, many marriages end at this point feeling they have gone theri seprate ways when really the author says we have basically become slaves to our situations and the only way we can make a difference is to take charge of our own lives and seek what WE want for ourselves.

I have been married 18 years to my second husband, raised his two sons and like any family/stepfmily there was numerous sitautions. I can very much identify with your posts and while like yourself you can see the issues and the problems and you feel you know what needs to stop and understand you when you don't see why your husband can't see the same, I can tell you it probably is not going to change. The ONLY difference I have been able to make with my husband is to go to joint counseling and then with the counselor sitting right there saying almost the same thing I have said he looks all dumb founded like I had never said a word and actually I don't think he listens to me half the time anyway.

I don't know about your husband but mine trips around in his own little world and trying to get anykind of anything out of him is like pulling teeth yet he finds me to blame and it doesn't matter what the subject.

Here's just a tiny exmple.....we most recently missed a flight. We had talked about the time to leave, etc. He told me what time we needed to be there and we were. What he didn't know is that our bags had to be checked in earlier and we missed the cut-off time, he was mad. I thought that he was angry at himself and probably felt guilty since he was the one would had set this all up. No, he starts in on me for having to cram so much into a day that we have no time to get where we need to be. He was the one sitting on the computer playing games while I was getting things ready. For my husband it is control and always placing the blame somewhere else so he doesn't have to take responsibility.