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He finally did it! (long letter attached)

ccoyle04's picture

My DH finally grew a set, told BM like it is. Phew...what a relief. It took 5 years, but I finally feel like I have his backing and blessing to intervene on things. It's like he acknowledges that BM should have respect for me. He told her how SD feels (she's afraid of her mother) and doesn't want to be around BM's negative/sullen family. I felt I wrote her this letter...... It's long, but I really needed to share it. No need for any critiquing or anything....I've already mailed it. It conveys my personal feeling, and I had to do it.

September 6, 2008

Mrs. F,

I have enclosed a few things for you: Your monthly support check, M's MSA (Maryland School Assessment) report and M's school calendar for the month of April and May.

As you can see, M continuing to do very well with her education under the supervision of her father and I. I expect that will not change because we are very involved with her school work, her teachers and her home work. I’m not sure if M has communicated this to you…she is taking Algebra I this year (she tested last year at the beginning of the year to advance to Algebra I but failed to score high enough) and she is a member of the Junior National Honor Society. This year, she is also going to be working on the school productions (in the set/design/costume area). M has quite a few friends, and we know all of their parents and the children. We have just recently joined the YMCA and have been taking full advantage of the programs offered by them for the young adults.

The calendar for the month of April and May does indicate that MSA testing for science begins on the 22nd of April and will continue until the 12th of May. I have spoken with the school staff and they have advised me that there is no make up day for this testing and stressed the importance of the student being there.

Here are some dates of plans that have been made for you to mark on your calendar:
(these plans, as always, include N, but if she chooses not to come, I understand)

October 17 & 18 – Trip to Baltimore, MD
October 25 – Tilghman Island Day
October 31 & November 1 & 2 – Halloween Camping Trip
November 14 – Trip to NYC
November 26, 27, 28 & 29 – Vacation
December 12, 13 & 14 – Christmas in St. Michaels
December 21 – Christmas Pageant
January 16, 17 & 18 – Trip
April 18 & 19 – Trip to Philadelphia, PA

M has decided that she would like to volunteer as an Altar Server on Sundays. She is excited about it, and looking forward to it. I will let you know the schedule as soon as she is trained and the schedule is distributed. It’s flexible to an extent, and she can trade with people if necessary.

Also, M and I are going to be taking a Bible Study course beginning September 29th. It is a study of the Book of John. If you would like to see a sample of the curriculum, I’d be happy to provide it to you. She is going to start off under the assumption that she is able to keep up with her school work, and if it becomes too burdensome for her, she will not continue with the class, but I will share the information with her when time permits.

D, I try to do the best for your children. Everything I do, I do it with them in mind, for their best health and well being. I have tried over and over to promote a better relationship between you, M and N. It seems no matter what I try, we take one step forward and then two steps back. It’s very frustrating for me to see you and M not getting along. She is frustrated by the situation at your house. She feels that she is singled out because she lives with her father. She also feels that there is never anything nice to say about the situation, especially from your other family members. And you know, maybe there isn’t anything nice to say, as far as you and they see it, but nothing should be said at all. That type of behavior just pushes her farther away.

I don’t pretend or try to be the girls mother. I am just a person that they respect and trust, that they know they can count. M is not embarrassed to introduce me to her friends as her “stepmother” and I am not concerned that she does so. What you may not understand or realize is that I want nothing more than you and her to have a better relationship. I feel that is one of the more important things she will get out of life. I have tried twice now to reach out to you, to help with the situation. By the failure to respond, it conveys the message to M and N that maybe they aren’t that important to you, that you would try and put what you think happened in the past behind you, and work together to try and help them. M spends a large amount of time with me, and I work very hard to make sure that time is used wisely. It really amazes me that you can treat the person that is working to raise one of your children the way you treat me. It doesn’t hurt me, it is what it is. I do not under any circumstance let it affect the way I help to raise your daughter. I am a better person than that. It’s not her fault. I admire M for the strength and courage she has. D, you don’t have to like me, or be my buddy, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk to you about some of the things that M goes through. You know…..when M got her first period….I wanted to call you and tell you. But… M, I know better than to open myself up to a situation that will be uncomfortable (actually, I expected hostile) and preferred to just leave it alone, and let her tell you when she felt the time was right. By the way, if you care to know, it started September 1, 2007. I keep a book of important things..

Well, if you have managed to read this far without ripping up the note and throwing it out, I appreciate it.


now4teens's picture

and I hate to say it, don't expect things to change with a toxic personality such as with this BMs.

Some of what you wrote in your letter sounds A LOT like what I once sent to my SDs BM (with the permission of my DH). I wrote it with the best of intentions. She took it as I was questioning (and therefore challenging) her motherhood/parenting. How she got that from what I wrote, I'll never know, but my DH told me that I can't reason with an unreasonable mind. And he was right.

I REALLY do hope the BM in your life sees the light and changes- I honestly do. Obviously your SD would benefit, you and your DH would be better off. Even BM would benefit. But again, toxic people like this just don't see the world as we do.

I'll say a prayer for you that it works out! Maybe St. Jude can intercede?!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

ccoyle04's picture

I appreciate any prayers...for me and for her. I guess I don't really expect anything to change, but at least I have piece of mind that I tried. The skids respect me for that, and I want them to know how important it is to make every effort to get along with others. I read it to DH before I mailed it, and maybe someday, when she is grown up, I will let SD read it. Thanks for the support....

stepmom2be's picture

I just gave my SD's mom a letter which we read together to her, and it went well.
I hope your letter is read, and I hope it conveys the care to her that you have for the SKs.

Best wishes. Smile

now4teens's picture

It's been a while since you mailed your letter to her. I was just wondering if she responded to either you or your Dh or even your SD in words or actions in any way (positive or negative).

Still keeping my fingers crossed that the letter was receieved in the spirit in which it was intended Smile

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

yw2's picture

What a sad state we are in when it comes to parenting children. I am very conflicted about your letter. The BM is pathetic to not know when her BD had her first period! How does a BM or SM think it is in the child’s best interest to continue to have hateful negative discussion about how THEY feel about the child’s parent! I fully b/v this behavior is a sin and will be punished with great consequences’! It sounds to me that you are a solid foundation for that young girl. Thank God she has you.