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Having a second bio kid

tt111's picture

I am thinking of having a second bio kid now that things are going better. 

How have you experienced to arrival of a second bio kid? 

My husband wants too. But I wonder if he will engage with it. 

How did your husband engage with your second bio kid? 

With our first he was very hesitant..... It will be difficult for me if he is again hesitant. 

How was your husband with your first and second bio kid? Have you spotted differences in his behaviour? 

Thank you!! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Has he stepped up with the first? If not, that should tell you how he'll be with the second. Current behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. If he is still disconnected from Child #1, don't expect him to magically become a great dad with Child #2 when things will be harder and everyone is spread more thin.

Mamabearof3's picture

My husband has been the same with both kids. For the most part. He's matured some with age. He's also gotten less tolerant. So his expectations for behavior has gotten higher. What SD got away with my daughter would never. Not that I'd want her to. SD says our kids are so much better behaved than her moms kids. Discuss with him your expectations and see if he's willing to meet them beforehand. I feel having a second bio especially if BM and DH only had one child really upsets people who wants to believe you and BM are on even playing field. Seems true for us anyways. 

tt111's picture

Sorry I am not a native English speaker and I do not understand your two last sentences about even playing field. Could you explain further? 

Mamabearof3's picture

I mean to say you are more important than her and she may see you as equal to DH if you both each only have one child with him. She may become intimidated by you if you have a second. And anyone else who thinks in such a way. 

tt111's picture

I see...thank you! But she is his ex in any case. So I am more important anyway. But I see what you mean!!

In their way of thinking I should be intimidated of all of my exes having kids with other women even though I do not have kids with them..... 

 

Also I do not mind upsetting people :) 

 

SeeYouNever's picture

Adding a 2nd was not an issue for us. My husband adores our toddler but since I breastfed a lot of care fell to me. If anything having tiny kids helped him have more age appropriate expectations for SD.

tt111's picture

I do not mind taking care of the kids but I would like to see his emotional engagement from the beginning this time. 

fakemommy's picture

My DH was more disconnected with our first until we had our second. He went from a my kid vs his kid mentality (even though both were his) to a more cohesive family.

tt111's picture

You mean that he was calling your kid "your kid" And only when you had your second he started saying " My kid " For you bio kids? 

Misstepped's picture

Mine does this too! He refer to our bio as "your child" and the 2 step kids as "his two"

I am always correcting him and saying you have three. And he buy the skids things and then says "there it's even, both kids have the same now" and I ask "what about your third" 

me and our bio get no time, we are the afterthought. I'm thinking of leaving so that bio can (maybe) be treated the same as skids. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why would you have a second child with a man you can't trust? He doesn't help you with the child you have now,

even when you are in physical pain, what makes you think he would be any better with a second child. Please do not have any more children with this man until he proves to you he can parent the one you already have with him.

tt111's picture

Our relationship might have started with a lot of problems but has gotten much better through time. 

tt111's picture

He was disconnected at first with our first bio kid. He is much more connected now that our kid is almost three yo. 

ndc's picture

That's not uncommon.  My DH is more involved with our 1.5 year old now than he was when she was an infant.  He became interested in her when she became interested in him. 

But what about the trust issues?

tt111's picture

Our trust issues are now much better because we have worked them through time 

Now he is not afraid to call in front of me his ex. 

And he is not afraid to tell me anything. He does not hide things from me any more 

tt111's picture

He is much more giving now that the kid is a little older than he was when the kid was a newborn. That is why I am considering having a second with him. 

Esperanza's picture

Having a second child should be a joint decision between you two and there shouldn't be any hesitation, both parties need to be 1000% on board. If your DH hasn't stepped up his parenting and bonding with the first bio you should definitely not have another one with him 

tt111's picture

When our bio kid was born my husband could not connect with him. Now that our kid I getting older my husband is getting better. 

strugglingSM's picture

My DH is head over heels in love with our first bio. He can't get enough of her. He wants a second bio, but I'm hesistant.

strugglingSM's picture

Why am I hesitant? Because one feels like enough to me. Right now, she's still an infant and the thought of having to go through the newborn stage again feels overwhelming, esp since DH's family is not helpful and my family is far away. We plan to move closer to my family, but have to wait until Skids are graduated from high school.