Have You Ever Noticed That Stepparents Are Always Selfish...
This is kind of just a general rant but a few threads lately, particularly the "sharing with skids" thread, makes me wonder WHY we're always labeled as selfish people?
It seems like if you don't want to give your things to an unrelated child to use, or pay for extremely expensive things for an unrelated child, you're labeled as a selfish person and it's driving me crazy. I can think of many instances in the past where DH insinuated that i'm being selfish and I'm 99% certain his entire family thinks i'm selfish, meanwhile, I provide more for my stepdaughter than either of her parents. I just don't spoil the hell out of her or let her take my things without asking or go out of my way for her ALL the time because that's her parents job, not mine.
They think I'm selfish if I travel for work and leave her with my husband. They think I'm selfish if I don't drive her up to see them regularly. They think i'm selfish for so many ridiculous reasons considering I'm not the one who gave birth to her; so why on earth would I feel the need to selflessly give and sacrifice over and over and over for her?
I mean, let's be real here, most stepparents i know sacrifice quite a bit. We sacrifice simply by being in a relationship with someone with kids. We sacrifice our own time and money, all the time, for our spouses kids. It's frustrating because I simply don't feel the desire to sacrifice anymore than I already am.
This is just my rant for the day. If you've ever felt selfish as a stepparent or been MADE to feel selfish, I bet you're not. I like to think the majority of us are good people who sacrifice more than a lot of people would be able to.
My Mil once told me that DH
My Mil once told me that DH would never love me if I didn't love BM's older children by a different man????
I'm extra selfish because I'm not doing for ALLLL of BM's kids. Even the ones that don't belong to DH.
Did you ask her if she loved
Did you ask her if she loved you like she loves her son?
Because a parent will give
Because a parent will give unconditionally to their child, and views anyone who doesn't do the same as selfish.
We sacrifice our own time and money, for their children. They don't sacrifice - it's their obligation. They view it as ours, as well, because we're the spouse.
We're not selfish, we just don't have the same obligations.
Being unwilling to sacrifice doesn't make someone selfish.
Setting limits on giving our time and money towards our spouse's obligations isn't selfish. At all. That you're giving ANY time and money towards THEIR obligations, to begin with, is already selfless enough - and parents really should learn the difference between being butthurt their expectations aren't being met, and realistic expectations about a step's obligations.
Amen. This is exactly how I
Amen. This is exactly how I feel with my DH and skids. When they just EXPECT it...it infuriates me.
RIGHT??? I don't give
RIGHT??? I don't give unconditionally to anyone, really }:)
My job as a parent is to raise tiny humans who will be successful enough to fend for themselves
you all know what I meant.
you all know what I meant. lol
BM has no problem
BM has no problem unconditionally supporting manchild ss31 or spoiling the gskids with the alimony money that DH shells out every month.
I use to sacrifice but I
I use to sacrifice but I stopped the day I disengaged. I will always be grateful to OC for posting the disengagement link....
SO stopped telling me I'm selfish or do not allow the sun to shine on others, my answer was simply... why should I do/buy this or that if you and BM does not want to buy for your own child?
Then SO got clever and bought more stuff for his brat, to out do BM.... I discovered quickly his plan lol and I stopped buying food for the house, I simply said, I do not live here I'm not responsible for making sure there's groceries in this house, when I come over for dinner, I bring the food, just enough for 3...
the In-laws called me a selfish bitch to my face, 3 of his siblings are unemployed and he gave them money monthly... I stopped that as well, and to them I simply said: It's not his responsibility to support you and your family, lift your ass and go and work. SO was knee deep in debt because of giving to every one... I swear that man will give the shirt of his back to any one who might just say that's a nice shirt... whether they want it or not, he will give it.
Are you my Bf ex ????
Are you my Bf ex ????
Well, I am so selfish that I
Well, I am so selfish that I never even wanted my own kids, so....
I don't think I was that bad to my SD but to people who think I should have done more (or still should do more even though she's an adult), um, where is that middle finger emoji?
This. Completely. I totally
This. Completely.
I totally own how selfish it was of me to have my two kids. I did it for me. Just like before that I traveled and shopped and bought a house and worked my ass off and didn't settle down until I was in my mid 30's- all those "selfish years" of just taking care of me. Parents love to label single or childless people selfish. But when I got married and moved to the burbs and had kids my carbon footprint got so much bigger. The only way my need to procreate will not ultimately be possibly the most selfish act of my life is if my kids grow up to contribute something of value to society and others. I hope they do.
Parents need to stop pretending that their choice to make the world more crowded is some generous act for the rest of us to cherish. I love my kids more than anything, but I'm not holding onto the delusion that the rest of the world should feel that way about them.
You're so right,
You're so right, sunshine.
And DH wonders why I can't seem to forget the time he told me he never would've even dated me if I'd had a kid.
So who is the selfish one?
TOTALLY agree with what
TOTALLY agree with what everyone has written.
OMG yes.
Except for WWIII (sorry ladyface this happened to you)
First and foremost, no one
First and foremost, no one who HASN'T been a step parent doesn't get a vote on whether you are selfish or not. I think most step parents hear it all the time and if we don't hear it it's implied.
For years and years when my husband and I were foregoing buying nice things, going on vacation, even saving what we really need for retirement yet the SS was getting every toy, technology, party, vacation under the sun all I heard was "you don't understand because you don't have kids". My husband many times didn't have enough income to pay his portion of the household bills (and we don't split 50/50 more like 65/35 where I pay more) but he had money to pay for car/college/fill-in-the-blank. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who REALLY paid for these things.
That would be the big, bad step monster (me).
Until finally, I turned it around (more in my own head than screaming it from the mountains) to "you don't understand because you've never had to sacrifice your sanity and your financial well-being for someone ELSE's (unappreciative) kid". Thankfully, my SS (now 21) has grown up a lot in the last couple years. He actually has "please" and "thank you" in his vocabulary these days which was a shock of all shocks to me.
Unless the kid/s has anything/everything s/he wants and the step parent has no visible luxury items (toys, cars, trips) we're selfish. It's a bunch of bullshit. It's not easy to stomach but it gets better with time. The quote that comes to mind you hear every time you get on an aircraft. Even with your own biological children, you have to make sure YOU are taken care of before you can take care of anyone else.
HA! I'm selfish when I don't
HA! I'm selfish when I don't agree with every expense DH wants to take on for the skids. He has told me that I 'just don't understand' and 'sometimes, he just has to be free to be a DAD!'
Um...yeah. Then be a dad on your own dime.
Amen, TwoOfUs... on your
Amen, TwoOfUs... on your their dime AFTER they pay for NECESSITIES to live and ideally a birthday and a Christmas card for their spouse... because you know you're not getting that any time soon from the step kid.
Ah yes I've has the 'you're
Ah yes I've has the 'you're selfish'AND 'you're jealous' combo! It sucked. The there was the glorious moment of "Disengagement". DH is still a bit confused with the whole situation (that he is actually having to do shit with his spawn) but it has certainly made me feel better, and hell if I'm selfish? Good for me. I'm the only person on me and my daughter's team.
SS has a birthday coming up soon and guess what, I ain't done shit to prepare....it'll be interesting to see what happens.
I have never been called
I have never been called selfish by my DH. Honestly, I don't believe he has ever thought that of me. I have always been a generous person and willing to give/share (except for my shoes, clothing, and COMFORTER!!).
In the beginning, I baked EVERY WEEKEND. Not just for skids, but also for DH because he has a huge sweet tooth and loves baked goodies. I was also generous in suggesting activities AND paying for them (knowing DH was broke, but I was flush). In fact, the first Christmas with the skids, *I* bought all of the presents because DH was broke.
Anyhoo, after shoddy treatment, my skid generosity ended. I still made the little gift/goodie bags for Christmas and cooked what DH asked, but I haven't done anything else for the skids.
According to my MIL, I'm
According to my MIL, I'm extremely selfish. But, this is a DH problem, at the core, because he goes back and forth between having the balls to set her straight with the reality of it all - because MIL cannot handle the truth and will cry and cry and cry.
And why am I selfish? Because I'm disengaged. I refuse to play nanny, maid, etcetera to skid while she's here for visitation. The CO states 6 weeks, but BM never seizes to get MIL's okay for 12-15 weeks. Not DH. MIL.
That was the proverbial nail in the coffin in regards to me disengaging.
My DH knows damn well it would be war of the roses up in here if he dared called me selfish.
I'm glad i'm not the only one
I'm glad i'm not the only one who deals with this!!
My DH isn't so bad. He was in the beginning but I think after many talks about how he'd feel in my position, he finally gets it. But his family, BM, and her family still don't understand.
I remember many times having to defend myself. Once I got a bonus from work that was fairly good, after 2 years of putting in 10-12 hour days, and I bought a pair of louboutins... Holy hell did his family think that was ridiculous when "SD needs a new bed and clothes for school, why on earth would you spend that kind of money on shoes?"
Like excuse me for enjoying MY money when I'm the one who pays the majority of the rent, bills, groceries, etc.
It's ridiculous. I truly don't understand. I would never, ever expect someone to sacrifice for my children (none yet but pregnant) other than ME and their father! It just makes no sense to me.
I'm not a selfish person and I never have been. Like others here, when we started dating and he was broke, i often paid for dinner, birthday presents, xmas gifts, the whole nine yards because I didn't want to see SD or my husband go without all the time. I've never been a selfish person and it sucks to be made to feel like one for doing things I have a right to do. I'm childless and if I want to spend the money I make on myself, that shouldn't be seen as anything other than normal.
I think my DH still thinks i'm a bit selfish sometimes, but he doesn't say it. Last night I ordered pizza and chicken wings. Usually we just get pizza but I got chicken wings too because I'm pregnant and it's been a MAJOR craving. We sat down to eat, I put some pizza on SDs plate, and she just looked at it and said "what about chicken wings??"
I told her no, and DH kind of gave me a look but I just said "the chicken wings weren't ordered for you, SD, you should just say thank you for the pizza and enjoy" with a smile. Sorry for having cravings but not EVERYTHING needs to be given to SD just because she wants it. She proceeded to eat and continue asking for the chicken wings, than didn't say thank you for dinner until I made her.
So annoying.
Sunshinex, I remember those
Sunshinex, I remember those pregnancy cravings. Add being a food-aholic, and I was pretty much like, "If your hand gets too close to MY food I will STAB it with my fork." Yeah.
YES lol don't touch my food,
YES lol don't touch my food, don't look at my food, don't even make mention of how you'd like some because YOURE NOT GETTING IT
Yep. It's just like how when
Yep. It's just like how when a stepparent complains about a stepkid or worse, tries to dicipline them, everyone looks at you like how dare you?
The amount of times i've been with DH's family and SD is being annoying so I tell her to go play... They look at me like i'm a monster whereas if I was her parent, they wouldn't think twice. Better yet, they'd probably think I was being a good parent!
You'll burn in Hell for
You'll burn in Hell for disciplining a skid. But, OMG, if poor Skidly gets hurt?? "Why didn't you SAY something?" "Why didn't you STOP Skidly?"
Can't win.
Even house rules are awful
Even house rules are awful apparently. I expect SD to wash her hands RIGHT after eating anything. Why? Because I'm the one who purchased 90% of the furniture and decor in the house. My mom always taught me to invest in furniture, don't just go to ikea, because it's worth it in the long run - so that's what I did. DH didn't put money towards pretty much any of it. So no, I don't want greasy grubby fingers running around touching things. When she finishes eating it's straight to the kitchen sink to wash them.
I didn't think that was unreasonable, but the first time DHs siblings were at our house and SD finished eating a cupcake, they called her over to play with icing all over her hands/face. I went into the room and said "SD, you know you're supposed to wash your hands before leaving the dining room. Go do that please" and I got so many dirty looks, and even a couple of "aw come on she's just playing" comments. Like okay she can play right after she washes her hands.... ?? see that white fur pouf she's sitting on?? i'm gonna have to scrub icing out of that now.
Before steplife I honestly thought it was normal and expected to wash your hands before and after eating. Especially if you're going to be running around putting your hands on EVERYTHING in sight. I don't understand why it's hard for people to grasp??
I hear you!! You'd think that
I hear you!! You'd think that PrincASS and PigPen were raised in a freaking barn (well, BioHo's house IS a sty...). They have their damn feet on EVERYTHING. No way in hell I will spend one PENNY for new living room furniture when those two are around EOWe.
Mr. P has a dog bed in the living room. I know he's a DOG, but he's my baby. Anyhoo, instead of stepping around it to get to the loveseat, or moving it a few inches, PigPen tromps his fugly boots across the entire bed, flops down on the loveseat (head against the back, spine on the seat), and splays his farking boots smack dab in the center of the dog bed. If DH didn't hear my sharp intake of breath, I'm positive he felt the fire shooting out of my eyes and told Piggy, "PP, move the dog's bed. Don't walk on it, for Pete's sake."
Yep, this is the whole
Yep, this is the whole problem with how society views SMs: "Ex and his kids, and BM were all allowed to look out for their own interests." Meanwhile, SM's only interest is supposed to be more or less catering to DH, SKs and BM. In the year 2017, SMs are still viewed by many as little more than indentured servants.
I have been concerned with my
I have been concerned with my welfare for as long as I can remember - even as a young child. And it has served me well. I don't give a damn if someone else calls it being selfish.
I did not get knocked up as a teen because I knew it would derail my life plans. I studied hard and went to college (most in my family never finished high school) because I knew that would better my life. I made career decisions based on what was best for ME.
I strongly believe that most (but not everything) of what one makes of one's life is based on realizing the CONSEQUENCES of various actions. And I try to make decisions based on what enhances my life. I do not try to derail anyone else's life - but I also feel no obligations to rescue anyone from their bad decisions.
So I own being selfish.
That being said I've given tremendous amounts of money back to the colleges that gave me scholarships - enough to pay for tuition at today's prices for other students. I've worked my tail off for various charities and have even held national (non paid) offices in them. But these are things I've chosen to do. My resources are for me to dispense as I choose.
YES TO THIS I tried to
YES TO THIS
I tried to explain that many times at the beginning of our relationship. I am PROUD to be selfish if it's "selfish" to work really hard to do what's best for you and not bail people out of their bad decisions all the time.
It used to piss me off to no end that I made decisions so carefully and yet was told i'm being selfish for not taking care of the decisions other people made. I took care of my OWN responsibilities. I carefully planned my life so I could enjoy it and spend the majority of my time focused on making money, and when I wasn't doing that, I was enjoying my life with friends and family.
Still to this day, I hate being called selfish because I've always helped others and done good deeds, I just didn't make decisions that led me to have to be responsible for other human beings like DH/BM did.
I haven't been accused of
I haven't been accused of being selfish, directly. I disengaged a lot from the eldest and used to do things for the youngest like take her out places and have girl time. It wasn't appreciated and so I stopped. Just like that. It took a while but the kids have finally stopped whining "what are we doing today, are we doing anything?"
Especially since BM doesn't take her own kids anywhere to do anything fun, I figured why should I? And SO has been told that if he is going fishing on a kid weekend - its up to him to organize the kid-watching, that I will be busy. I had to really put my foot down though.
It REALLY hit home last weekend, when SO went fishing, and the skids were supposed to visit with BMs parents, their grandparents. I got SD18 up and atem, got SD10 up and atem, fed her breakfast, had her shower and in clean clothes, hair brushed etc, and was almost out the door, and SD18 told me that they had canceled. BM said not a word to me, SO, or anyone. It riled me, at how inconsiderate she is, always, but then I got over it and told myself "must set expectations lower".
So no more taking care of SKids for anyone else, I let the parents do everything. Im like the fun Auntie when I WANT to, not when I have to.
This is one of those
This is one of those occasions where you have to agree with everyone and say Yes! I am selfish and I am not sharing any of my stuff with the skids.
When his family ask why you won't look after the skids when he's out of town, say "I'm selfish, I'm going to enjoy a quite evening home alone."
Stop defending yourself, you'll never change their mind. Just accept it.
Yes I am selfish also. For
Yes I am selfish also. For 30+ years I gave all and never received even a thank you.
Eight years ago I became selfish; I told DH and grown stepkids "It's my way or the highway" from here on out. I am not tolerating any further disrespect, I don't care, therefore I am taking a different train. I very calmly told my DH, you are welcome to join me, but it is on my ticket now.
We just bought a new home, a new auto, and we are enjoying being selfish. I love being spoiled and it has been a long time coming.
DH joined me and we are having a better go of it. My grown SD tells everyone I am selfish and spoiled.
I am SURE that SS31 and his
I am SURE that SS31 and his GF (Babymamma) are telling everyone how horribly selfish I am. How dare I be upset with them because they "stopped by our home" while we were on vacation. You know they were only "checking that things were OK."
They would never give the true story - that they had no permission to even walk by the home much less set up residence, leave dirty pans of grease, ransack all of our belongings and help themselves to whatever they wanted (including FIVE LITERS of booze).
And I am also SO SELFISH that I will not let them stay in MY vacation condo nor will I let them use my Disney Vacation Club points (timeshare) since the 1 year old baby just LOVES DISNEY. I am being so mean to deprive a 1 year old child of the Disney experience.
Since DH buys into none of this I don't give a damn about her parents, BM, or any other of their acquaintances. And if DH believed any of this crap I'd be happy to remove him from enjoying any of this stuff too.
Yes we are selfish gold
Yes we are selfish gold diggers because we only married our DH for his money. It doesn't matter how much he still gives to BM or how much the skids keep taking well into their adult years, it's the SM's who are greedy and selfish. All DH's money, time and affection belong to his first family and how dare we wicked SM's interlope on that! }:)
Yep I can see that... It's
Yep I can see that...
It's funny because DH and I started dating while he was working minimum wage and I had a fairly good salary, and still to this day, I make 3-4 times more than he does. So when people call me selfish, I laugh because technically I provide more for my stepdaughter than either of her parents... but they don't see that side of things, nor do they want to. They want someone to blame for everything.
I am selfish because I moved
I am selfish because I moved with DH from the frozen north to the warm south, like millions of other older people. I am selfish because DH is here with me rather than catering to OSD's whims and helping her to raise her children. I am selfish because we just updated our estate planning now that my kids are adults, I am only 10 years older than OSD, and DH and I's first priority was to provide for the other spouse when one of us dies.
Shame on me! And all of you for having needs as a human! }:)
Take a look at what you
Take a look at what you wrote.
"They think I'm selfish if I travel for work and leave her with my husband. They think I'm selfish if I don't drive her up to see them regularly. They think i'm selfish for so many ridiculous reasons considering I'm not the one who gave birth to her; so why on earth would I feel the need to selflessly give and sacrifice over and over and over for her? "
It is clear that you are not the selfish one in this blended family equation.
It sounds to me that "They" are the selfish ones.
Don't give them any space in your head and make sure to give them clarity on who in this equation are the selfish ones.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Okay, I will play. I am
Okay, I will play.
I am selfish because I would not push my bride to forgive the SpermIdiot's CS obligation to my Skid or cave to the SpermClan's incessant whining and manipulation.
I think I am very UN selfish
I think I am very UN selfish because I tolerated being lonely EOW for 10+ years whilst my Disney DH did stuff with his daughters.
EOW ended in 2013. About a year ago, we were out to lunch and he mentioned the possibility of taking his daughters up to visit his family. I did not play nice over this suggestion - to paraphrase - I said "And WHY would you want to do THAT?" :O :O :O
Tolerated it for a decade - not doing that any more.
My stepdaughter trashes
My stepdaughter trashes everything and oh yes, I've been called selfish because I didn't hand over things like:
My expensive earbuds
My Fitbit
My laptop
My spare cell phone, etc.
Because she can't take care of things, I was expected to give up the things I took care of and wait for my hubby to buy me new ones. Nope..not on your life. She should learn to take care of her things and if she can't, she can learn to go without..not me.
Quoting Mrs. Fireball, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".