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Have you been torn to shreds on other web-sites?

livlaughlov's picture

I am wondering if this has happened to anyone else. I went to a "divorce advice" website to find out, if during the summers when the kids stay with NCP, we could stop CS payments to the CP for that month, as the children were here. I didn't even mention that I thought she should pay us.

Needless to say.....I was torn to shreds. I was an awful money gubbing step-mom who didn't care for my step-kids and was trying to get out of paying CS and I was making up the amounts we pay in CS and flight costs (they accused me of lying). It was quite a shock.

I did find out in the end, that no, there is nothing we can do about it (have to pay her CS when here in the summer), but I feel like as the wife of an NCP you can't say ANYTHING about his finances (which affect you and your family too!) without being treated very badly. Has anyone else had this expereience?

Rags's picture

Yep I have been shreaded on other sites and on S-Talk (a long, long time ago), and I am married to the CP.

Some sites and people have no ability to see the big picture of an issue and only see it through their own limited experience.

Don't sweat the idiots. Have fun with them. Any time on side in a discussion blows a gasket the calm side wins whether they are right or wrong.

Hang in there.... and stay calm. Wink

Best regards,

HappyB4's picture

I love your closing statement.

(And I haven't found out yet how to put in closing statements, etc.
Is there anything on this forum with the technical advice?)

Rags's picture


Do the following to enter a signiture.

On the left of the screen under your name is a blue box. From that box make the following selections.

My Account

Once you get to the signiture block, enter whatever you wish.

Best regards,

Shaman29's picture

I've learned to stay off other sites simply because when I would lurk, I found Step-parents usually had the crap kicked out of us. I was grateful to find StepTalk because it was developed for step-parents. Biggrin

In answer to your CS question, I thought that would be the case as well and asked DH about it before we were married. However CS in our state is calculated based on income, insurance (medical/dental) and the number of days the child is with the NCP. This includes EOWE, Holidays and Summer visits. So technically, he's not paying CS based on month to month income but on an annual amount divided by 12.

Hope this is helpful!

oilandwater's picture

Believe me I am not trying to tear you to shreds, but I have a diffent point of view about paying CS when then the skids are with you.

Let me start by saying I am a BM to two and my ex and I do a 50/50 split week on week off. No child support on either side. My DH has an EOWE agreement with him paying CS. Just letting you know that I am on the sucking end of this....

But to me child support is exactly that support of the child in whatever degree that may be, house payments, water bills, electric, also clothes and food. When your skids are with you and DH the BM still has to keep a household running so the skids have something to come back to. Not in every situation but in some BM would not be able to maintain that household without the CS payment.

Once again not trying to tear you to shreds... just a different perspective.

I promise I am not one of those BMs in disguise. I am a BM but recieve no CS.

Also I can relate to the monetary burden of having to pay CS and provide for them on extended visits. That truly does suck. Especially if you are living payday to payday.

oilandwater's picture


stepmom31's picture

In the same manner, a NCP has to keep a household running when the kids are not there. S/he still has to provide adequate housing whether the kids are there every other week or even every other weekend. For this reason, it is inherently more expensive when kids live in 2 households, but CS usually fails to take into account that the NCP has to provide a home as well, the cost of which does NOT fluctuate based on time spent with the NCP.

Chavez's picture

It's a valid question. I'm on both sides of this too being a SM with a DH who pays every single month no matter what even when skids are with us an entire month. I've never thought this was right and when my DS would stay with his dad for a week straight (I was paid weekly) I would give him the money back. I just didn't feel it was right for him to pay me money when the situation was flipped.

oilandwater's picture

And that is very admiral thing to do if you didn't really NEED the money, but especially in this economy, I am sure there are those who could not maintain without that money.

Chavez's picture

Then what do they do when the money runs out? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm seriously asking. Eventually kids become of age and CS runs out, then what happens?

oilandwater's picture

That is something that BM to my skids has had to deal with, she was receiving CS for three kids two have now reached 18 and CS is now for only one child. She has had to downsize her house and other things as well I'm sure. But really that is for her to work out the same way we have had to deal with the extra expense of having them on extended visits.

livlaughlov's picture

Geez, even when you guys disagree you do it gracefully. I just checked the other web-site and they are STILL slagging me over there, in a thread I haven't responded to since this morning. It's actually pretty funny that I caused such a stir, but I am never going to post there ever again!

PoisonApples's picture

Oh yeah.

But on religious or political sites I'm more the ripper than the rippee.

On SM/BM issues - this is the only one I've found that isn't overwhelmingly 'BM is mother therefore she can do whatever she wants and how dare you criticize her'.

Most Evil's picture

Every time I read one of those sites my blood pressure seems to skyrocket - steps deserve support too, not just the holy BMs-!!!!!!

Don't worry, just consider the source honey-!! Glad you found us

winehead's picture

Yeah, I was ripped on a divorce site too. Guess what my question was about -- meeting FDH's kids.

not yet a step mom's picture

livlaughlov: i have been thinking of asking almost the same question as YOU, on this site.

we (my BF and i) have to fly back and forth to transport his daughter from her mom's to our place, and the flights are around $300 RT. times that by 3 RT close to $1000 for one visit to get SD from mom's to our hosue and back. BM doesnt' feel comfortable letting the kid fly alone, but will not help out with flying her one way OR the cost of the flights.
Since SD is at our house for at a month in the summer we have been thinking of asking BM to give us the equivalant of BD's monthly CS payment.....but we haven't asked her yet.
However, in the past she has been giving us the amount she would pay for camp/daycare for the kid, when she's at our house during vacations & summers. And i am VERY thankful for that!
I am not sure of how the whole legal stuff works with CS... but.. we have a bigger home to accomodate SD and therefore its costs more money to keep a larger house hold up and running. But of course we do not get any money to help pay the bills when the child is nto here.... so i think it can go both ways.
AND the whole living in different states thing is such a pain in the booty!
i feel for ya!!

purpledaisies's picture

yes I have. I am always seen as the big bad stepmom even though my stepkids would rather live with me. Anyway, my dh only has to pay half of cs wehen he has them in the summer. I don't know how he did it but that is what is in his papers.

Don't worry too much about what those idiots say they are all hollier than thou that think they don't do anything wrong wehen in reality they probabbly do everything wrong. lol