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Have any of you admitted to spouses to not liking their kids.

Sotired345's picture

It slipped out in marriage counseling yesterday. We were talking about how I can’t give him what he wants/needs and I don’t know how to deal with it. I was saying how I can’t give the perfect family he wants and how I feel this is unnatural and everything I ever did was never good enough for husband or stepdaughter. Her mother always had a problem with the way I did things but would complain when I didn’t want to take care of her so she could have free time

. It slipped I told him I didn’t like his daughter and we’re not going to have the mother daughter relationship he wants us to have. I feel shitty like I failed but I can’t help how I feel

Evil3's picture

I was in secret counselling for years, because I couldn't stand either of my two SKs, especially my SDstb29. Whenever I'd broach a subject, DH would gaslight me and I'd immediately pull back so as not to lose my DH. I was paranoid about losing my marriage, so I was very careful about anything I said about the brats. My counsellor advised me to never ever let my DH know just how much I hated the brats, because in my counsellor's experience, once that news gets out, the spouse will often leave. Well, years went by and all of the issues were only getting worse. After the zillionth time my DH pulled the, "you just hate her," line, I actually said, "yes, I do and the fact that I hate her fucking guts is all your fault." Then, I went into a tirade about how it was DH's fault for fostering her horrible traits and allowing her to turn out like she did. Then, I gave a huge laundry list of all her faults. Well, there it was. All out in the open. My heart was pounding, because it felt sooooooooooo good to finally stop hiding and let it out. I was convinced that my DH would divorce me pronto, but he didn't. The time I admitted to "hating SD with the passion of a thousand fiery suns," was about 10 years ago and I'm still married. I'm not so sure that it's not a bad idea for our DHs to find out that others, including their wives do not like their brats. My DH also found out that his own family didn't like the SKs. He justified it by saying, "well, that's OK, I have enough love for them to make up for it." When my turn came, I told DH that's partly why no one can stand them. He will justify like crazy and saying anything at all so he doesn't have to parent his kids.

Don't worry about being honest about how you feel. As shitty as you feel, it could be a good thing. It may wake your DH up and he might try to make some changes.

Siemprematahari's picture

I've told H several times that I dislike his daughter's disrespectful, entitled behavior and I don't hide it. I don't HATE her but I dislike the way she has treated him and myself included. I've completely disengaged so I'm indifferent to her, its like she's irrelevant but I do think its important for your partner/spouse to know how you feel in a tactful way of course ;).

Terra2fly's picture

But I vent to my friends often how I can't stand the little monsters

Sotired345's picture

I’ll be honest I didn’t always feel this way. I liked her and thought I loved her at one point but over the years the bullshit from her mother. The disrespect from her the favoritism things just got worse. I as well blame my husband for the fact that I don’t. I’ll be honest I think the only reason he stays with me at this point is because we have a house and 2 children and I never do anything cross to his daughter. If I was just his girlfriend he would be gone in a second. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

But I had this exact convo with my SO last weekend. He was all cranky and finally told me he thinks I'm not making enough of an effort with skids, I don't go outside and play with them, I don't take them places when he is working (untrue, he just forgets everything), and SS12 "doesn't come out of his room when you're home to come watch TV with us, and I wonder why that is". I said, look. I have a good relationship with SS12. Which is true, although he gets on my nerves because he constantly wants something. New video game system, to be taken somewhere, snacks. Want want want. And I cannot stand his obsession with video games, and I wouldn't allow him to always be playing video games if he were my son, so I struggle with it.

Anyway, I told SO, I will never have a perfect relationship with SS. We get along, we talk, I treat him well and I care about his well-being, but I can only relate to him so much, and we are NEVER going to have the relationship you seem to want us to have. I stopped short of saying I don't like him, because, a) that would be no bueno with SO, and b) I'm not 100% sure it's true. Sometimes i feel like I like SS, sometimes not. Depends on the day/minute/second. I don't think SO really knew what to say to that, and he didn't argue with me or snap at me, to my surprise. He has been fine with me since, also. But he has also witnessed me having many good interactions with SS since then, which validates my points. SO has too high of expectations when it comes to me and skids. It's not all roses and unicorns.

Many SM's have admitted their dislike for skids, so don't feel bad. It really is just the hardest position ever, and we can't really help how we feel. Side note- do you feel counseling is helping? I would like SO and I to go, but he is resistant. Wondering how others have fared in counseling.

 

Areyou's picture

I told DH that I don't like his kids behaviors. I am neutral regarding his kids. I don’t necessarily dislike them but SD is not a likeable person in general. SS is tolerable for now. 

sybarite's picture

I told DH what behaviors I disagree with (stealing, lying, etc.) and why it's in skid's best interest, and DH's best interest, to improve said behaviors.

Sadly DH decides to hear what he wants to hear: You do NOT like my child(ren)! EVERYONE likes my children but YOU!

Ok Mr. Emotional. Believe what you want. I'll just STFU and hope this is a parenting/spouse phase that will pass alongside skids' teen years.

icanteven's picture

Mine does this also. "Everyone likes him except you! You are the one who has the problem!" When he said that to me the first time, no one outside his family even knew his kid. He was not in kindergarten or day school. He had no play groups or activities. They had no friends. Relatives knew him, but only saw him infrequently since they lived far away. My kids and I were the only people outside the biologically related family who had spent any time with this kid, and we were horrified.

I remember telling him, "People who have never met him liking photos of him on Instagram does not mean more than the opinion of a person who sees him many days each week." He said that those people's opinions do mean more than mine. Also, the cashier at Macy's thought he was adorable as he tore up the checkout. When I assured him that they did not because nobody would think that is adorable, he said I had no idea because I was not there. He has many stories about how people in restaurants would give his son free food because he is so adorable and everyone loves him. I have never seen this and I do not believe it because his son is a hyperactive brat who looks like the characters in the movie Dumb and Dumber. I do not believe people give him things all the time for being cute because he is not cute. He has even shown me videos of his son acting terrible in shops, taking down displays, throwing things, yelling, and he acts as if it is normal, and thinks the workers in the shops thought it was cute also when I can see on the video that they were annoyed.

So no, husband, "Everyone" does not like your son. You spelled "Nobody" wrong.

Sotired345's picture

It’s funny because my husband once said “all of my friends love my daughter and you don’t” after weeks of fighting I said why don’t you tell your friends to come here and take care of her on the weekends while you work and BM does whatever she wants. Let’s see how much they love her then? 

On the other hand my friends have nothing nice to say about her. My own mother has called her a brat behind her back. Maybe I’d feel worse if people were telling me I was wrong but when your friends come into your house say hello and your stepdaughter doesn’t answer them and then makes comments that their children are “annoying “ to them. Then yea they get where I’m coming from. 

BobbyGee's picture

Sadly to say, this happens to both genders.  DW allowed her son to rule the roost so far as to allow him to reach onto anyone's plate and cherry-pick all the good bits.  Not just as a toddler, but up through age 11 when we married. SS now is horrible around the house, evil to me, and I go back and forth between wanting to send him to bio-dad forever (and ruin my marriage) or smack the living heck out of him (also ruining my marriage).

SS is now 13 and yesterday I told him, in a fit of rage, that he wins the war.  He can have his Xbox 100% of the time but he gets nothing else that is not required for his survival from me. Not fun outings, and no attention or affection.  I told him from now on he is jist a bad housemate I am required to live with, and I said all this in front of his mom.

The outcome?  I had a long talk with my wife after it and explained all of the things that led up to it, and she understands.  At the moment we are working through that from an adult perspective.  As for the SS?  He is happier than he has ever been and has not set foot outside the room other than to go to the bathroom and grab quick snacks (no interest in meals).  He has no idea how bad his life really is about to get.

Maybe when he misses the optional soccer team activities where his only friends are he will begin to catch on that angry stepdad is not going to be his taxi to optional fun things.  And since mom does not want to learn to drive he is stuck.

My wife knows that I both love and hate her son at the same time. I cannot bring myself to not care about his health and safety, but every moment I see him I start thinking of ways to make him as uncomfortable and unhappy as he makes me.

icanteven's picture

I certainly agree it can happen to anyone, stepmom or stepdad! This is not only one way. I also like what you did by not taking your stepson to any of his extra activities. He is going to learn fast. It is also very good that your wife understood when you explained why you said these things. Not all parents would understand this, so that is hopeful for you I think.

Siemprematahari's picture

I almost died after reading this "because his son is a hyperactive brat who looks like the characters in the movie Dumb and Dumber" ROFL

Kes's picture

Dh knows I dislike his younger daughter and I have no great affection for the older one either. Taking into account the way they treated me for years and years, he can't claim my feelings about them come as any surprise. 

MurphysLaw's picture

Hmmmm...

Does

“You’re son’s a Feckin liar!!! And I Feckin hate liars!”

Count? If so, then yes, I believe he knew.

Seeker6417's picture

My situation is slightly different because, on a daily basis, SD doesn't really do anything to annoy me. She stays to herself in her room 90% of the time. The truth, however, is that I just kind of resent her presence. She feels invasive to me. On days when both my wife and I are not working, I avoid going places or suggesting places to go because I know SD will have to go with us. And honestly, admitting that makes me feel like a bad person. But I can't help how I feel.

So, if I were to tell my wife that I don't like SD, I wouldn't really be able to point to any specific behaviors to justify it. It's just that I don't like her or her mannerisms/traits/habits.

icanteven's picture

I did tell my husband this several times. It always resembled this:

Him: What did [stepson] ever do to you to deserve your hatred?

Me: I do not hate him. I do not hate anybody. I cannot like him while you allow him to violate my boundaries every time he comes here. Until he is made to respect me and my home, and not come in and boss my children around and act like he owns this place, I will not be able to like him. If you want me to like him, I need to be able to be allowed authority over him in my home.

Him: Well I will not have you in authority over him unless it is clear that you love him.

Me: No one loves their stepkids. You do not love my kids, yet, you are in authority over them. Anyone would dislike a child they have no say in the visits of, who comes to their home and acts in any way they want, and they cannot say anything about it.

Him: No, you are a monster. Only a monster would dislike this beautiful child.

Me: *silence because what am I supposed to say to that?*

So yes, he knows I dislike his son, and he knows why, and what he would need to do to make it better, but he will not do those things.

Sotired345's picture

I recently read about a woman in the 60s that convinced her husband to get her stepson a lobotomy. We’re not monsters. Howard Dully. All these stupid men need to look up that kid and then let them call names. 

icanteven's picture

I did not know about this! Wow! Yes I agree, we are not monsters. We are just people trying to live a good life in our own homes. We are not trying to get lobotomies or anything like this for our stepkids. We only want them to be shown some rules and boundaries, and to be allowed the authority we would have over any other child in our home!

I try to explain this to my husband as well. I tell him, "If one of my kids brings a friend home from school, and that friend makes a big mess and does things we do not allow, I will tell them to clean up the things they dropped, and stop behaving in the way we do not like. This is expected. I would expect any parent of my kids' friends to say these things to my kids if they did this at their house also. These kids are not related to me. I am not their parent. When they are in my home, I am in authority over them. So why is it different when it's your son? He can come into this house and do anything he wants, and I cannot say anything. Do you see that this is not normal and no one would like it?"

No, he does not see this.

Gingersnapped's picture

^^THIS^^ I read part of this to my husband and he blew up. The part where we have no say, no choices in what happens around us yet we are supposed to be fine and loving. Fuck that. He was allowed to raise my girls but I  am forced to be hands off with his. Not allowed to have an opinion. Thank you for articulating this!!

Sotired345's picture

I posted the article for you guys to read. Yes this is a true story. The guy wrote a book and is still alive. 

lorlors's picture

of how I feel about the skids. I started off as loving, kind and would move heaven and earth to facilitate them, take them places, treat them to lunch out, their favourite dinners, making Christmas super special. The years of bs wear you out when none of it is appreciated as well as the schemes and stunts they have pulled (see faking a sickie when I was in hospital following a miscarriage). DH knows why I don’t like them. He also knows it is entirely their doing that I now have as little to do with them as possible even though they live with us full time after running away from mummykins.

TX2step's picture

The first time my DH said," you just hate my kid". I looked him in the eye. My eyes are blue, very blue cold blue steel. And I said YES, I hate your kid. Done.

blueskies4me's picture

My husband is not an idiot so he can tell I don’t like his spawn but my husband makes more remarks about his spawn’s attitude/behavior etc than I do because I’m 230% disengaged. I just mildly agree with what my husband says and then change the subject.

 I’m up to my damned eyeballs with stress with my real kids, anyway.

GoingWicked's picture

DH and I have been married almost 12 years.  Tons of times he accused me of not liking his kid when she was younger simply  because I would send her to time out when she misbehaved.  I was way more strict with our kids, but he never had a comment about that. I think he couldn’t separate his self esteem from her.

 When she hit about 9ish she became a monster, probably because of the age, plus all of the little behaviors he let pass.   I can say I hated having her in my house at that point. I slowly disengaged, as I became fed up. DH became more and more responsible for her and her actions, and they both started becoming more grateful when I would go out of my way and do stuff for them.  It also gave me the space to start appreciating her again.

Anyway, I dislike a lot of her behaviors, I probably would never have chosen her as a friend since she lies and manipulates people, and that’s a major no go for me.  I was also a stay at home mom/stepmom, and spent a ton of time with her. So I love her, and I deeply care about her wellbeing.  I think DH gets that now.

Iamwoman's picture

Yes, DH and I know exactly what we like and dislike about each other’s kids. We’re open and honest about everything though, as we are best friends and as DH puts it, soulmates.

I was the first to open up. He didn’t like it, but he immediately understood and says he doesn’t blame me a bit. He recognizes his own kid’s flaws and often he doesn’t like them either, but he loves them and nurtures them nonetheless. I don’t love them and DH is ok with this too. I love how he is so logical! I mean, really... WHO can love skids you only see less than 4 days per month and act like a-holes every time?? He gets it.

DH used to very much like DD15, and he does love her. However, being a teen girl, she has become pretty sh!tty. We both often have to pull her love notes from our nightstands and read them aloud to each other to remember the days that she used to be our little angel. Neither of us like DD15 right now. We both love and care for her. I believe she will be like able again in her twenties. DH is skeptical, but I can’t really blame him! Teens are like toddlers on steroids that drive and have very large vocabularies!

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I never said I didn't like his kids per se, but I did hate the way they were acting, the way they treated people, and who they were becoming. He agreed with me. His kids were acting like total aholes.

Too old for this's picture

I think when the children are young,  they might be entitled to more leeway.  They are not fully mature and “like” them or not, there is an obligation to them.  

When they are adults, it is entirely different.  They have to earn your respect and affection and it is OK - indeed appropriate - to let DH know your feelings.  

 

 

Nottakingit's picture

I've said, "You're such a wonderful step dad to my kids and they adore you. I feel so bad I'm just not that great a stepmom. I can't act towards your kids they way we act with mine." And similar things. My kids really do love dh, you should have seen what they came up with for father's day. They never did anything like it for their own dad. They come to him for advice, tell him secrets, we really won the prize imo.

At one point he felt I gave up on his sd22 and we had this big long conversation by ourself and then with her. Things were supposed to change...then they didn't and he ended up blowing up and sending her to his mom's where she's still waiting to find out if she can come back. Dh was right...I never had one positive thing to say about her. 

He knows his kids behave in ways I would not tolerate. In ways that would cause me to totally shut down. It took him awhile but he eventually came to realize that it wasn't normal for your kids to hit you, throw things at you, get mad when you are sick from chemo and won't take them to the mall, or fold their laundry down to their underwear. And these were teenagers. It took my disgust at these stories and my own kids' behavior towards him for him to learn. I told him I feel alot of resentment towards them knowing they treated him that way as old as they were. I don't care that their mom taught them to do it...they didn't treat everybody that way, only their dad.

So while I haven't plainly said, "I do not like your kids", I have let him know I have strong negative feelings towards them. And he knows I tried, and as of now I'm not 100% giving up yet, but I'm getting closer and closer.

SacrificialLamb's picture

My skids are in their 40's and have behaved in an utterly juvenile fashion. The two skids unfortunately drag each other down.

DH has no doubt how I feel about them.  He says "that's just how they are."  I've learned when someone says "that's just how they are" that means no one else can tolerate their poor behavior but their parent who ignores it.

MurphysLaw's picture

“I've learned when someone says "that's just how they are" that means no one else can tolerate their poor behavior but their parent who ignores it.”

This says it all, and so very true.

Harry's picture

Your DH had his chance for a perfect family with BM.  Guest that did not work !!  With you.  Perfect family went away with his devorice.  You can not recreate his life.  There are not your kids. You are never going to feel the same way he feels about his kids.  He has to understand that, or looking for devorice number two

mathfed's picture

My wife's youngest son tries to ransack my wife's and my relationship, as well as our home.  My wife and I have been together almost 5 years, married for about 3 1/2.  Her youngest son, who turns 20 in a couple of months, has only lived with us for about 6 months in total.  He's moved in and out 3 times.  The last time he moved out was for good.  In the short amount of time he was with us, he:

  • Kicked and punched holes in the walls because he was asked to mow the grass.
  • Was taken out of the house in handcuffs and placed on a 72-hour hold.  This was during my lunch hour.  I came home for lunch to find 5 cop cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck in front of the house, all with lights blazing.  My first thought was that this kid had killed his mom (my wife).  I walked toward the house to find him handcuffed on the front porch.  My wife was inside crying her eyes out, refusing to press charges because her son had gotten violent.
  • Stood in the dining room and screamed at me that he f'ing hates me.
  • Cornered my wife in our bedroom, screaming in her face that he hates her and that she's a horrible mother.
  • Refers to me as his mom's f&ck buddy.  He's told me that he's her kid, I'm just the piece of shit she married.  He said that he knows she can, and has seen her, do better than me.
  • About 3 years ago, my oldest son had open heart surgery.  While we were gone to attend to that, this kid had his buddies over to the house.  They completey ransacked it, and then left.  I got home from my son's surgery to find the house completely trashed.  I had to snake the tub drain before we could take a shower because they had shaved each other's hair and washed the hair down the tub drain.  There was trash and dirty dishes all over the house.  The kid was no where to be seen, and was furious that he had to come and help clean up the mess he had made. 
  • About a year ago, he hopped on a bus (unannounced) for our house.  I told him if he brings any drugs through the door, I call the cops.  He's put pictures of himself using drugs all over the internet. He blew up at me.  My wife blew up at me for not letting her handle it (she never does).  I told her if her kid walks through our door, I'm out.  He was in our town for about 2 months.  He stayed with friends, and eventually left town.  He didn't step foot in our house.  I would have called the police if he did. 
  • Related to the item above - when the kid finally left town, he and 3 of his friends started renting a place about 3 hours from here.  We have one of the bedrooms in our house set up with a tv so the kids can play their X-Box somewhere besides the living room.  My wife's son snapped his fingers that he wanted the tv that was in the game room.  My wife gave it to him, and hauled it out of the house the next day.  I'm sure the tv has been sold for drug money by now.  I had to go out and buy another tv for the game room.  I told my wife that the new tv is mine, and it isn't going anywhere.

Things have gotten to where I can't handle being around this guy at all anymore.  My wife has tried to guilt me into giving him yet another chance, saying that he is family.  She told me she knows I don't like him.  I told her she is right about that, and he doesn't like me either.  If her son and I parting ways is a dealbreaker for her, then she needs to tell me that.  I'm not going to keep getting pulled into his tornado.  If that means the end of our marriage, then that's what it means. 

Putting my stake in the ground actually improved our marriage.  My wife visits her tasmanian devil elsewhere, and he doesn't come in the house.  I'm disengaged from him, don't ask about him, and quickly change the subject when my wife starts talking about him.  Whenever we used to fight, it was about him.  There aren't fights about him anymore, and our life together is much better.  We were on the verge of divorce about a year ago.  I was at my breaking point and ready to walk if she didn't start getting some backbone when it comes to her son.  His problems are now his to deal with, and I don't get sucked into the middle of them anymore.  Life is better.

Suemm44's picture

I told him his kids are spoiled, privileged , better then anyone else kids. And you should be around them 15 minutes. It's all about I , I ,I ,I and guess what I am so much smarter, and guess what I went to a very prestigious college and my daddy paid my way. Oh wait, SD works at lowes , then another place fired in fact but says she don't know why they let her go, now works at a daycare and I thought she hated children ? Really confusing here, lol. 

leo1234's picture

Absolutely. I think it's so important to be real and honest.

You don't have to LOVE to your stepkids. There is no written rule for this. I don't understand when people can be so inconsiderate and appauled by that. I don't owe any child that is not my own anything. period.