has disengaging from skids caused problems in your relationships with SOs and how do you define those boundaries
Thought I posted this a while ago but don't see it anywhere.
Anyone who knows my backstory knows the shit storm I fell into with DH and BM. DH ended up settling out of court on BM's appeal for joint custody of SD 7 even though he was already awarded full custody in a lower court...it threw everything into an even bigger mess since at that point his family knew everything BM had been putting SD through and even the GAL recommended against joint custody again so it caused a lot of hard feelings. His reasoning was that I left him so he wouldn't win so he just gave up. I think he just really didn't want custody of her and settled to share the burden.
I took a look at all the responsibility I'd taken on for SD since neither one of her parents do right by her and it pissed me the hell off. So now...I just...don't. 1. BM made any effort to help a nightmarish scene 2. SD is vapid and spoiled could care less who's giving her stuff as long as someone is 3. DH took advantage of me picking up his slack and showed ittle appreciation ( not to mention his betrayal w/ bm.) They've made it impossible to want anything to do with this kid. DH and I are recovering...slowly...but I've made it clear SD is his sole responsability. If he has to work, she needs to be w/ someone else. Special food? You do it. Appointments, school clothes, activities, you do it.
The only time I engage really is if she's setting a bad example for our boys or about to get seriously hurt.
It's causing a lot of resentment on both ends. He gets it, but that doesn't help how he feels and same for me. I just refuse to get involved again. She's already taken a huge turn downhill since going back to 50/50 w her mom. Still pissing herself in pullups everynight. No manners, getting pretty vindictive, constantly trying to pet and kiss our young sons and is overall just a lazy, helpless kid again. Sucks to watch it happen but this isn't my kid and I see now just how much I was doing for her and it was killing me because there was no support. I can't imagine ever going back to that place with her now.
Where do you draw the lines of disengagement and what are your methods?
I don't even let her wander off with me in stores now, she is to stay with her father.
Has it helped or hurt your relationship? I'm finding it has helped my sanity but has become another large obstacle in our "marriage" so far. I'm also finding that by taking such a leap back, it's left a lot of room for resentment towards SD being around at all. Any of you experience this?
Don't touch shit. If someone
Don't touch shit. If someone (even a very young person) is a POS - stay away.
I've never understood how
I've never understood how families could ever work this way. All the potential problems I saw with disengaging are popping up. Only difference is that now I just don't care. It's uncomfortable but at least I have more time to focus on my own kids and all the stupid things done by and to SD don't bother me anymore. Feels great but kinda evil at the same time.
When I disengaged and started
When I disengaged and started focusing on our lives, things got a lot better in my relationship with dh. But my dynamic was completely different. We have kids of our own and so I started putting my effort into making sure our little family was functioning.
I'm also finding that by
I'm also finding that by taking such a leap back, it's left a lot of room for resentment towards SD being around at all.
I think you resent your SD being around because now that you've stepped back, you know that your DH has resentment that he has to do all of the work when it comes to her.
He needs to get over it, it is HIS kid. If a man can't take care of his own child, he should not have reproduced. At the very least, he should not have 50/50 custody, if he doesn't want to do the work.
My DH did not expect me to do anything for SD so I really didn't have to officially disengage.
Full-on disengagement never
Full-on disengagement never worked for me.... I like control too much. But I did learn how to partially disengage. I decided what I would be involved with and what I wouldn't be and discussed with exSO. He kind of got it, but we still fought at times.
Disengagement is hard. And I
Disengagement is hard. And I think the level depends on each family dynamic. I cannot "fully" disengage but I can mostly. I involve DP in my decisions to do or not do something (and if I don't it ALWAYS backfires!) - if I disengage from doing something, like cleaning the SDs bathroom or linens, I make it clear, "DP, I will not be cleaning the SDs bathroom/linens any longer. They are old enough to do it themselves and you need to teach them how. If you need help with teaching them you need to let me know specifically." Then I repeat this after he says something like, "When was the last time the SDs changed their sheets?" And repeat again.
I have a fairly good relationship with the SDs so that does make a difference. I can cook or help them with thing sometimes. I have to get to know my internal radar that tells me when to step back a little better.
And men are babies! Seriously. When he says he is tired from working I laugh. Yeah, try my job for 8 hours straight and see how "tired" you are then...and then go to the grocery store, cook dinner, do some laundry, take care of the cats afterwards...
I cringe every time my DH
I cringe every time my DH gets on his soap box about how hard his job is ( implying mines easier by comparison)...
You try teaching 30 disegaged adolescent teenagers in class every day, up to 7 lessons a day, attend to yard duty, have no time out for breaks ( for preparing work or calling parents) and use your weekends to mark essays etc... Yeah sure buddy! FML!
Dh gets full custody then
Dh gets full custody then hands skid off to you. Nice. Seems like this is the typical DH thing to do. My DH did this with a grown man child. 28 at the time, tried to move in, expected me to clean up after him, do his laundry, feed and shop for him. That lasted all of 2 weeks before I said "I married you, not ss28. He's got to go!" Did it cause problems, yeah. I'm still the evil one who "stole ss's best friend" (ss actually said that to me).
DH pouted for about 6 mos but oh fricking well. Both of them needed to grow the hell up.
Wow. Red flag. She is pissing
Wow. Red flag. She is pissing herself andbpetting the boys?!? Both signs of molestation.
As far as the disengage... I tried it for 24 hours once. It really was nice. Lonely, though, as I walked through the store, I wasn't WITH them so I wasn't WITH anyone. I haven't tried it long term yet. :/