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Happier when he’s a work.

Momma788's picture

I didn't know how to title this so I just put this. I'm browsing the forum and just laying in bed and I'm pretty depressed today. I called my therapist today to find out if she's seeing patients again as I cant cope anymore and I don't want to keep complaining to my friends. BM recently moved and she moved 5 min away from us. Since she had H has taken on more responsibility, when he's not at work he's taking care of SD. I take care of our children. She's been here every single weekend but the custody arrangement is supposed to be every other weekend. I have not complained about this as it's his daughter and I really don't have a leg to stand on but my issue is him. He's mean to our children and has no respect for me. My son is autistic and he's constantly yelling at him and saying what a mistake he was. 2 weeks ago my SD was yelling at my son for something he was doing. I was in the other room and heard her yelling at him that I went in there took him out of the room and told her she should not be disciplining my child that she should call one of us if there is an issue. H started yelling at me told me I was a horrible person and demanded I apologize other wise he was leaving. H tells me at least twice a month that he regrets having a second family. We have 2 together. Which was a mistake but it happened. Yesterday I left I just didn't want to be around them so I went to see some friends. I got home and he was in a pissy mood because he had to take care of the kids all day. I'm not quite understanding this as these are all HIS children and he should be able to handle it. But all he does in complain about how bad our kids are and what an angel SD is. I just don't want to be around them anymore. I have been picking up after SD this entire weekend and I am treated with no respect. He tells me nothing until last min. Oh I have to take SD here oh she's staying another night. He has no respect for me. He hates me for a lot of reasons and these are things I can't change. I could leave and I've tried but it's too hard on my own and I have no family support. It's like he knows I can't go anywhere and he takes advantage it. I actually had a nightmare 3 nights ago that he took the kids from me and got remarried. I have such mistrust for this man that he actually scares me. Any advice will help or at least some understanding. I'm just very unhappy.

tog redux's picture

You and your children are all being emotionally abused in this relationship - what keeps you there? I think it's time to make an exit plan.

Momma788's picture

I know we are and I'm disgusted we have separated on several occasions but I was never able to make it work on my own. I have to tried to find employment I've even gotten certifications to better myself. It's too hard my children need constant care. I've only been able to hold a job for a short period of time as they always need me more than I can give. Child support will not be enough. Like I said lack of family support as the only family support I have doesn't want to help. I'm trying to deal with it and maybe when the kids get a little older and I can work more I can get out. I'm not happy I'm miserable and stressed out all the time. H is a nasty person always mad at me and our kids but bends over backwards for his ex and daughter. I'm tired. I try to do things as an outlet but it's hard with my kids. Everything is closed and I've been talking about going back to work but there's no money for child care. I'm happy when he lives at work. The only time he spends at home is when his ex needs him. It's sad because when the choice is made to leave he'll get his rightful visitation and I won't be there. He can't handle them so he'll need help he'll either find some strange woman to manipulate, be with and do his dirty work or he'll use one of his family members to help him. 

tog redux's picture

If you truly can't work due to your child's needs, you may be eligible for disability for him (probably not until you are on your own), your H's income might make you ineligible, but it's worth looking into.

Are there any services available for autistic children in your area? Sometimes they can help with these issues as well.

Momma788's picture

I'm working on services for him. There are things I can do. I have tried to work on several occasions care for my children has always been an issue and I wind up having to resign or they let me go because I can't be there as much as they need me to. Upon leaving I would have to gain full time employment which means daycare costs and depending on him to take them. Which means he'll be spending just as much time with them without me there. I know it doesn't make sense but at least I'm here. My son wanders a lot there have been a few occasions where I e left to go to the store and I come back and he's wandering alone in the front of our house because he wasn't properly supervised by him. He could potentially get hurt with an irresponsible parent. If it weren't for my kids I would not be here. Or if I had family support that pitched in I wouldn't be here either. I feel like I'm in prison. I know I have to do something though because nothing is going to change. 

Survivingstephell's picture

You forget that he will have to pay child support, medical expenses and Child care expenses. A good lawyer will see to all that. Just because he feels they're a mistake doesn't absolve him from paying for them.  
Before I left my first husband I forgot about what he would have to pay when trying to figure it all out. There are online calculators for each state for child support. Find yours and start getting your ducks in a row. Knowledge is power and there is more help out there then you know about right now.  Your children's doctor might be able to point out services too.  

CLove's picture

Digital hugs your way. I read your previous blog.
"He's mentally abusive and he's a cheater"

And then you gave all the different reasons why you stay. It is very soul-sucking, and draining, with everything you have to deal with on top of your littles. And the fact of the matter is that you are stuck. Because lack of finances. lack of job, and lack of outside support. Well there is US, here. 

Get your ducks in a row to leave this guy. He will owe you alimony as well as child support. Document and record everything possible. Document his infidelities if you can. Record him being mean. Get your paperwork organised, bank accounts, assets, all that. Hide it all away somewhere he would not think to look. Start researching lawyers. Get ready to fight him, if hes that mean who knows what he is capable of (so be very careful what you say to him.)

It almost seems like he is letting your kiddo with special needs cavort around the neighborhood by himself on purpose (oops, got ran over! Sorry!)

It also sounds like he is using you for whatever reason, so he has to scare you into staying (doesnt want to pay that child support!) Please do not be intimate with him any longer. Cheating endangers your health!!!

Try to reach out to folks locally. Womens shelters, Womens groups, try to build a support system somehow. Comb through job listings everywhere possible - even EDD. 

But mostly - take care of YOU. I know you are drained, but you are the only thing those kiddos have. Stop putting valuable energy into this soul-sucking marriage...

Again, Im so sorry. Stay strong!

holly5692's picture

Gosh I'm so sorry. I have nothing else useful to add that hasn't already been said. I just feel for you and hope that somehow your situation improves. You are worthy of a happy life. I hope you can see that.

Harry's picture

Keep the EOWE in place. Why let BM off. So she can go out.  Disengage from SD let DH take care of her. Leave for the day leaving the two of them alone. 

Momma788's picture

This is something I've argued for a long time. My H doesn't care and has no respect for what I want. He will always give BM what she wants I don't even fight it anymore. When she states for the whole weekend I tend to choose 1 of those days where I leave and go out with friends. He stays with our kids as well but after a few hours he can't handle it and calls his dad to come over and help. BM moves 5 min away from us so she can do and say whatever she wants. I'm done fighting it I just go out and he gets mad that I don't help him. I won't compromise on this. He wants her here every single weekend then he can take responsibility. He won't honor anything they do whatever they want and I'm done fighting I just do nothing when she's here. 

nappisan's picture

oh this is terrible! please do anything you can to take your children and get out.  I would rather live in my car with my kids than to be subject to all that he is putting you through. please get out