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Handing Kids Everything

Totheend12345's picture

So next week SD15 wants to get her hair dyed, I told her I would pay but she has to do some chores around the house. BM threw a fit, she deserves things without having to do something for them. BLAH BLAH BLAH, DH told BM then she can pay for it but we think chores are required for the extras. (DH gives SD cash every time he drops her off so she can have some during the week, on top of the child support, on top of the braces payments, on top of use grubhubbing her food 3-4 times a week, and on top of us buying groceries for the kid. And anytime BM ask for help with something school clothes, new shoes, all that we pitch in (if not pay totally) )

Well DH dad told us today he is going to buy SD15 a car for her 16th birthday, and this made me mad. DH does not see anything wrong with it. I told him we can't just hand SD everything she wants. DH agreed that if she does get a car it will be for use only at our house where we can watch what she is doing. DH dad said he is buying it so he thinks SD should be able to take it home and use it. (We get SD every other weekend if she feels like coming over or she has ran out of money). She live in a bigger city around 45 mins away from us.

1st off BM will take the care away from her and use it whenever she wants. BM is driving a POS car right now without air, heat, and it breaks down every other week. And BM just got pulled over two weeks ago for driving without insurance, tags and all that. So if SD had a car then she would take it since she can't keep hers up

2nd SD15 runs wild as it is where she lives, with a car she would be much worse. She is one of the least responsible kids I have ever met (DH is a big part of that cant blame BM totally).

3rd of all DH is going to have to cover insurance and everything. BM or SD will either wreck the car or BM will take it over total leaving DH responsible.

Should DH stand up to his dad and say no or just let it go. I really hate the idea of handing a kid a new car at 16, especially one who does nothing at all to help anyone at our house and just uses us.

 

I know this shouldn't make me this mad but it bugs me when everyone just feels like to make a kid like them hand them everything. I am over here driving a POS too and SD will be driving a brand new car and DH will be paying gas insurance and everything. And the main reason I dont have a new  car is right now we can't afford all the extras on it. So that makes me salty to SD will be driving a nicer car then me, and DH will be getting further behind money wise to cover insurance.

CLove's picture

The specific issue - SD driving a  nicer car than you, and also driving you further into financial hardship. Its not just the car is it? Its everything.

We have a general rule at our house - kiddo MUST have a job to pay her own insurance and gas and all that, or no car. ANd because insurance is more expensive the newer the car plus for beginning drivers, kid gets a used car that runs. Thats all. Id say "no".

The bigger issue - All the $$$ going out to SD15, who your DH ONLY sees every other weekend or when she wants something. Id have a BIG heart to heart discussion with DH on THAT. If its not court ordered, and if its not a requirement, then no dice.

I would advise to have DH stick to the custody order (if there is one), because she is still a child who needs her parents (now more than ever), and she is too young to "get to decide when she sees her father". Insist on following the schedule, its for her own good.

Finally - biggest issue - entitlement. Yeah. SD14 Munchkin "gets things" without having to work for them. She has minimal chores, and really hasnt been applying herself to ANYTHINg. Her mother is a complete pos, but right now we have 50/50. Your situation, its super hard to have any standards because she will "lose" them - they wont stick. So you are stuck with a selfish self centered entitled snowdlake. Hopefully she will evolve beyong that. It happens.

Totheend12345's picture

If SD doesnt get her way she stops coming over and BM doesn't back DH up at all. Like she is suppose to come over this weekend but she doesn't fee like it, she said she may come over tomorrow and go home Sunday. (We are having a very small cook out less then 10 people covid safe ;)) 

 

I just hate the fact DH feels like he has to do things like this to win her over.

tog redux's picture

If DH didn't pay for groceries and Grubhub, maybe SD would see which side her bread is buttered on, as the expression goes. Why would she refuse to come to your house when BM's is so awful?

Totheend12345's picture

BM lets her run and go where ever she wants so when she is not with us she is at friends houses, or running around her town. She 

advice.only2's picture

Have DH tell his dad if he wants to buy her a new car then he needs to pay the tags and insurance as you guys can't afford it. And once the car is wrecked by either BM or SD it's on his insurance premiums not yours.

DPW's picture

I vote for this. If grandpa wants to do this, he's responsible for it going forward. I would say nothing further and back myself out of the conversation after that. 

Totheend12345's picture

Very good plan, but my luck DH (who has no balls) will just go behind my back and pay for everything and let sd have the car. in the end will cost me because he will start being short on his bills.

DPW's picture

Unless you keep separate finances (which you probably should based on who your DH is... ball-less), this could very well be a hill to die on. Cars cost a lot to run and maintain; you'd be subsidizing him a lot monthly for this extravaganza. 

Totheend12345's picture

We do keep seperate bank accounts but if he is short on bills I step up and help pay. It will be hard if it comes up hey water is due i am broke, I will have to pay it. I love this man, but he really got himself in a pickle with this BM and SD (why didnt he think before he got her pregooooooo!!!!)

Gimlet's picture

Oh my gosh,  why can't BM pay for groceries if she's getting CS??   And sending her food via Grubhub at BM's house?  That is so expensive!   And why are YOU buying school clothes??  Or paying for her hair??

No, SD does not need a new car handed to her, especially not one BM will use FFS.   

If DH's dad chooses this, BM can pay the car insurance and gas out of CS. 

BM and SD are never going to stop coming to the well if it never runs dry.    And if I were going without because of it, I would be so pissed.  Either way, combined finances or not, you are helping to pay for this bullshit, both directly and indirectly  Good lord. 

Totheend12345's picture

We do grubhub because we live so far away and BM does not feed this child, we buy grocerys, bm and her hubby and kid eat them all. The hair was my choice to pay for only if she does chores. DH i told to stop giving her cash every week. And the clothes SD will have none. BM honeslty will not do anything for SD, she will let her go without.

 

We just found out SD is living in an unfished basement right now, not windows only one door out, and she has one extension cord to run her entire room. BM said they only have two rooms upstairs and SD youngers half sister needs her own room. SD said she doesnt even sleep in it its just a junk room.

 

BM cares nothing about SD unless she can hurt DH or get something out of DH using sd.

Gimlet's picture

And SD doesn't want to spend more time with her dad?  Because she can't run the streets?

You can't make BM any better than she is.  You can't fix that for SD, and it sounds like you're trying to make up for it.  That must be really hard for your DH, but it doesn't look like it's doing SD any favors, does it?  She's still not willing to work for anything and she doesn't want to see her dad unless there is something in it for her. 

And none of this is your responsibility.  None. 

Totheend12345's picture

BM hangs the moon in her eyes. BM talks down about our family and how awful we are. And I may not see it but I don't think we are trashy lol.  BM just lets SD talk back, cuss, do what she wants when she wants.   I always try to put myself in SD shoes, i could never think bad of my own mom. But my mom is amazing, she made me mind, she taught me right from wrong, and she helped me out. So I hate to say one day SD will see how awful her mom is because I think she doesn't and never will. She sees she has almost everything she wants from us and her mom lets her do what she wants while we are little more strict. Who you going with, be back by 9, and the normal rules. So why not use us and run wild at her moms, her mom treats her like she is a grown up, or she doesnt care (as long she isnt costing her money or annoying her BM doesnt care what SD does.)

Totheend12345's picture

Pretty much, I think its to the point with DH do what he has too to make SD happy no matter if it helps BM or not. Like the braces SD hes, BM was suppose to pay half, and yet to pitch in a dime. DH has paid for all of them (which she needs I grew up without them and up until a year ago had awful teeth I know the pain so I am okay with it.) But BM new hubby always texting DH about money for braces or other things for BM.

 

I think DH has no balls and doesnt stand up for himself he does hide alot from me. He wants everyone happy and wants ot look like the good guy even if it hurts us in the end.  I think maybe I should be more mad at DH now.

DPW's picture

You've got a major DH issue. I just do not understand how he can help subsizidize BM, SD at BM's house and BM's new hubby. Like what kind of fool is he? He feeds BM's new hubby knowingly????

And let me guess, he's broke all the time?

Man, they've got a good racket going on..... shesh.

Totheend12345's picture

We have told BM a million times if you cant afford SD send her our way but nope she keeps racking in the money.  DH thinks SD is living like poor orphan annie and has nothing. He said he rather feed them all then let SD starve. Its like a total guilt trip and DH does not see it. Which i will admit a few years ago i did the same thing but learned BM would never change so i stopped either way i was just adding on. 

Gimlet's picture

BM's husband texts your DH to ask him for money?  Are you serious?  Your household buys BM's grown ass husband groceries.  He should be ashamed of himself, as should BM. 

I get it with the braces.  I would support DH doing that for his kids.  But all the other stuff, HELL NO.  DPW is so right, it really is just enabling. I am sorry to say that I doubt very much that DH will end up with a good relationship with SD because she probably sees him just like BM sees him - a wallet and nothing more. 

Totheend12345's picture

The other day DH asked me to check something on his phone while he was busy. I did and up pops a text from BM hubby, "Hey bud you think you can pay for the braces again this week, I am tired of playing these games."  I was mad I asked DH what was up he said he was BM week and hubby was tired of DH expecting BM to pay her weeks.  My response was not very nice and of course it caused problems. Hubby acts as if we owe him stuff just because DH knocked up his wife 15 years ago. 

 

I think I have a ton of built up anger over all of this junk. I just wish BM would leave us alone. But that will never happen.

Gimlet's picture

Tired of playing what games, dude?  The kind where I buy your groceries, you fricking loser?  Those kind??  Tell your trashy wife to pay her bills out of the CS I pay her and STFU. 

WTF, this is beyond guilty dad - he's a damn punching bag and the only person he's holding accountable is you.  I would probably be able to spit acid on command from the giant ulcer this would give me.

I probably need to stop replying because I'm sitting here actually pissed off for you.  I'm no longer helping because my lizard brain has taken over.   

Rags's picture

DH does owe BM. He does not owe StepDad a thing. What he owes is called CS.  Not one penny more than CS and any other COd support elements should flow from your family coffers to BM and her Hubby's household.

DH needs to be clear. He pays BM to care for and support his children and she and by marriage, her Hubby are responsible for that.  Including paying for the braces for this week, and the next, and the next... unless DH is obligated to participate by the CO beyond CS.

IMHO of course.

Merry's picture

Nobody "deserves" these things. Want something special? Great. Save your allowance. Work extra chores or odd jobs. This is a good age to reinforce financial responsibility.

It's nice that Gramps wants to by the kid a car. Big Man showing off? Or even shaming his son for not being a "better" provider? But surely even Gramps understands that cars need tags, insurance, gas, maintenance. Buy the car, leave it in Gramps' driveway until SD can afford to help with expenses. It should NOT be on your DH.

Totheend12345's picture

His dad over steps a lot, i was hoping he would forget SD (she is the favorite) but he isn't DH has told him he rather him not but he doesn't care.

tog redux's picture

This is how you create entitlement in kids. Does she even have her driver's permit? Why does she need a new car?

DH needs to grow a backbone - so what if she doesn't come over. Giving in to her every whim is creating a monster. 

Totheend12345's picture

Nope no permit, she doesn't do anything but sit around all day on her phone. It drives me nuts, I told her she could buy my car off me (when i had a nicer car) She said no dad will buy me a new one. Its like she thinks she deserves it just cause she breaths. My first car was $600.00 I paid cash for it, old hunk of junk but it was all mine. I paid gas, insurance, tags and all at 16. DH same thing, DH dad same thing, so why all the sudden now they can do it why? Where is the idea of earning something for yourself?

Rags's picture

These are your marital resources.  Any income is marital income.  As an equity life partner in the marriage you get veto rights on any extraordinary expenditures.  Why buy a car for BM under the guise of the delusion that it is for SD.  If it only gets used when she is with you, why buy the car at all?

I would wait and keep the carrot of a car dangling in front of SD as a HS graduation present for her to earn with behavioral and academic performance.  Once she graduates, give her a car. If she abandons putting it in her name and making it her responsibility to insure and maintain.    Or, maintain ownership so you can control who uses it.  

For sure I would not just gift SD a car on her 16th bday with her splitting her time between DH and BM.

I would be be very clear with DH that this isn't happening with marital resources until you and he agree.

 

 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey Rags,

At the risk of sidelining the thread, I've been thinking about your parent's Bichon and hoping that he's healing well? Was the vet able to save his eye? 

notarelative's picture

Laws are different everywhere. Here putting the car on DH's insurance would be a huge liability.

How is this car going to be registered? If it's in grandpa's name he can handle it all (including taxes and insurance). He'll also need to talk to BM as he wants the car to be garaged there.

If it's in DH's name, he can simply tell his dad no. The liability of a car registered to his name, but garaged at BM's is more than he will accept. If BM has an accident driving the car, and it can be proven she is a regular driver of the car, the insurance company here would balk at paying if she is not on the policy and has no insurance of her own.

If it's in SD's name, than here she would need her own policy. Here you can not add a minor child's car to the parent's policy. If she needs her own policy, than grandpa better check the rates and figure on paying it as entitled kids expect it. His gift. His upkeep.

Don't forget taxes. Will there be any taxes due? Here we also pay sales taxes when the car is registered. And there are property taxes due on cars every year here too.

Adding: The bedroom situation at BM's would be illegal here. Bedrooms here need two means of exit. One can be a window. One extension cord would not fly here . Know anyone in the fire department or children's services who could make an unexpected safety check?

SteppedOut's picture

But OP's husband won't do this! He will just keep paying for whatever because he has OP to pick up the slack! 

CLove's picture

You keep saying that your DH will go behind your back and pay for things out of pity for SD at her mothers. We have a strong "no paying for BM's apartment supplies for SD" SD14 has a giant bean bag (it was free), and has no room of her own. Just a bean bag and a closet at her mothers apartment.

If things are tight at BMs, then SD14 stays with us.

I think that you are acting a bit of a doormat. DH knows you are a sucker, and will pay his way. So he is taking advantage of your niceness. And then goes behind your back to throw more money at the ungrateful sd. No wonder you are pissed.

Time to restrict DH's financing of SD.

Survivingstephell's picture

Talk with your car Insurance agent so you get the legalities of your state.  I can guarantee you that they will recommend the cheapest car for a new driver.  New drivers in my state have a staggered DL  concerning curfews, and passengers.  They also changed our laws so that only people on the policy can drive the car, if someone else wrecks the car it won't be covered.  Know how this all works in your state.  

Dogmom1321's picture

GrubHub? Seriously? Change the password! There is zero reason a kid can order whatever or how much food they want on someone else's tab. Whole family ordering pizza? Ok that's different.

 

i think the bigger issue is you and your DH have

your OWN financial responsibilities. SD currently has none but is also NOT learning how to manage ANYTHING. She needs a USED car that she can afford. As

long as it is safe, that is all that matters. She will need to pay her own gas and help with insurance. 
 

also, IMO I think it is pretty sh!tty of your DH to tell SD this 1. Without talking to you 2. Get YOU a new car and let SD have yours 

 

SMH

BethAnne's picture

I would sit down with granddad and your husband and go over exactly what your husband is required to pay by his court order and child support. Then go over how much money has been sent to BM's house over the last 6 months and for what purposes. I would then account for the times that your husband has not been able to pay the basic bills in your household and you have had to subsidize his money river to BM. I would also provide evidence that you have of the ways that BM and her boyfriend regularly manipulate the situaition to get more money and evidence of the sub-par living conditions that sd is subject to. Perhaps if granddad can see how his son is being manipulated while his granddaughter is being neglected by her mother, he will rethink his plans.

It might also give your husband a wake up call as to how ridiculous this all is. 

An alternative to this could be having the conversation with your husband and a couples therapist to see if an outside person telling him that his actions are not helping might make him wake up.