Had Enough.....
I posted here once or twice but mostly read a lot. I have to say this blog is incredibly enlightening. I have 1 BD (20) and 2 SD (almost 18 & almost 20). I have been married for almost 4 years. When I met my DH, I thought this was going to be perfect - we both had kids who were older and would be launching. We had so much in common and had a great time together. I told him when I met him that I had raised my daughter primarily by myself and now it was my turn to have some fun. He said he was of the same mindset. So we got married fairly quickly (I know - I know...) and once he and his kids moved into my house it was as though he was a different person. I have a nice home that I kept neat & tidy. I expected that there would be a meeting of the minds as far as the kids cleaning up after themselves, etc. My DH told me he didn't think kids should have chores until they are 18 because until then they are kids. (Yes huge red flag....) So we discussed a compromise, then another compromise, then another. What I didn't know was his compromises were simply lip service. After reading this blog and going to therapy, I disengaged. My therapist calls it "staying in my box". There are certain things I have a voice in, things that directly impact me. Everything else, I stay in my box. After years of fighting and arguing and blaming, he finally came out with it - he's afraid to tell his kids to clean up after themselves because he's afraid to lose them. I already knew that but it led me to ask the question, what about my feelings. Did he not care how I was feeling. He simply said "I don't think so." (I will wait for that to sink in).
He doesn't care about my feelings. Bottom line. When the marriage counselor asked him what he thought he could do to help our marriage - his response was I (me) could go for a psychiatric analysis and get on meds. That's what HE could do to help our marriage. The therapist quickly told him no spouse should ever suggest the other should get on meds and in her professional opinion, I did not have a psychological disorder and did not need meds. The therapist asked what it was like when we were dating as we both agree that was really wonderful. So I told her about all the nice things he did, the wonderful time we had together. When the therapist asked why we don't have that kind of relationship anymore, my DH scoffed and said "We were dating!" Basically he sold me a bill of goods that didn't exist. So I decided I deserved more, I deserve better.
My DH moved out last weekend. Truth be told, I miss him or maybe I miss the fantasy he created. We still speak and he was wonderful yesterday to me for Mother's Day. I don't understand the disconnect between my DH - the man and my DH - the Disney Dad. I have a tiny glimmer of hope that things may change as his kids get older, but at this point, I am happy having peace, self-respect and good friends to rely on. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to provide a comfortable life for myself and my daughter (who is in college). I am proud of the life I have built for myself and it would be nice to have a partner to share the successes in my life. But I don't need that. I learned here to listen when someone tells you something. When my DH told me he didn't care about my feelings, I listened and took action appropriate for me. Thanks for the insight.
Elizamen you may need to have
Elizamen you may need to have a talk with "Please help before leaving is only option".
You didn't take any mess and you listened when he spoke. Good for you!
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's normal to miss someone you've been with, but please hold your ground because there's no excuse for someone treating you poorly. Good luck. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
You are so right, sueu2. I
You are so right, sueu2. I needed to hear this. I needed to hear all of these messages. I am thankful for the ones of support but I am equally thankful for the ones who push me out of my comfort zone. I have always been very independent. My ability to provide a really nice life for myself and my daughter has always been a source of immense pride for myself and yet I let this man come into my life, filled with promises he would not/could not deliver, and I let him disrupt my peace and disrespect me. I am very proud of who I am. I have a wonderful job, a beautiful home. I have a wonderful DD20 who is working very hard in college and seems to be grounded. I have fantastic friends and do things in my life I truly enjoy. My life without my DH is full and complete. It's just too bad I fell for the Disney Prince who turned out to be a Disney Dad.
I second Sue's advice ...
I second Sue's advice ... don't think anything will change with time! Spend some time at the Adult Skid section - you will see that these kinds of disfunctional situations DO NOT get better the older skids get. In fact, they often get worse. Adult skids can create much more havoc than smaller kids can - with horrible outcomes. My advice: Be glad your DH is out, and file for divorce now. You sound like a well-adjusted and grounded person who can take care of herself, and should make your own daughter your priority. There is a wonderful world out there filled with amazing people (including men) and you need to embrace your new freedom and enjoy all the world has to offer!
It seems that when this man
It seems that when this man is dating or out of the house he will do everything to woo you but doesn't care when he is in the house. He will do nothing for you abd your relationship- as you said yourself his only contribution was that you should dope yourself up so he can do what he wants
He does not care about you nor will he ever. Please make a clean break from this. Speak in email or through lawyers in regard to divorce and leave it at that
Don't have him over to house
Don't have talks with him on phone
Don't text back and forth about your day etc
Disengage and find yourself something better
On the one hand, I am so
On the one hand, I am so sorry for you. But on the other, I am also thrilled for you.
I lasted 5 years longer than you, and my only regret now, is that I stayed even that long. My XH also told me that I needed meds. Nope. What I needed was an honest man... an open man... a man who could communicate effectively... a man who could feel something for someone other than himself and 'his' family. What I got, was a total stranger. Someone who could lie to my face, push me aside, blame me for all that was wrong in the world (his world), then leave me feeling like our demise was something lacking in me.
Like you, I kept waiting for the man I had met years earlier. I kept waiting for the 'kids' to grow up and become self sufficient. I kept waiting for 'us' to become important. One day it became crystal clear that I was waiting for things that I could never have. Yes, that old bait and switch tactic. I know it so well! (sic)
Now you can find your peace. With that peace, you will find joy again. And joy will lead you to the happiness that you deserve. One day at a time and no contact. That's how you do it. Just believe that you can and you will!
Best of luck to you. Stay strong.
Where were you 4 years ago,
Where were you 4 years ago, AlreadyGone?!!?!?! Your post reads like I was writing it myself! But then, I think about the analogy someone here wrote about falling in love and getting into a boat with no idea what was on the horizon. So many of us fall into the trap of thinking we can make it work, love is enough. But the truth is, love is a small component. There also needs to be mutual respect and common goals. I was so enamored with love that I forgot about those other equally important aspects of a relationship. Thanks for your thoughts.
I would need to be on drugs
I would need to be on drugs to handle him and his kids.
His almost 18 year old daughter is upset because she can't come to my house anymore during the school day to use the bathroom. And he's upset with me that I won't let her. She had zero respect for my house when she was living there because that's what he allowed - in what world does he think I would let her enter my home at this point? But I'm the problem.
Not dumb questions at all.
Not dumb questions at all. She doesn't like to use the bathrooms at school. Enough said.
The answer to your other question is that everyone in the world is supposed to bow to the desires of his kids. This is their world and we are simply here to do what they want. }:)
Hahahahaha-- You get how
Hahahahaha-- You get how completely ridiculous it is. He brought it up in therapy that his daughter was upset she couldn't come and use the bathroom so he told the therapist that he asked his daughter would she like him to ask me. Ummmmm.... NO!!!!! Just NO.
Your lying to yourself. The
Your lying to yourself.
The real him is the one who thinks you need meds, who doesn't care about YOUR feelings. And puts him dc above you.
The 'nice' one is make believe, to romance you to allow you fall in love with a lie.
Of course he was nice to you over the weekend. YOU took his power away by making him and his brats leave.
If you continue to speak, see him he will WOW you into his lie again, you will end up back together because you have this 'I have a tiny glimmer of hope that things may change as his kids get older'. There is no hope, he will treat you going forward as he treated you in the past.
As others have said stop seeing, talking to him, you don't need too.
Build a new life with your friends and family.
I hope you stick around here
I hope you stick around here in our little community and offer up your story because it's a pretty amazing one of strength.
Thanks - I love your screen
Thanks - I love your screen name.
My story is not one of strength. The end might be but in truth I let this man walk all over me. I let him steamroll his way through my life. I battled here and there but as my therapist says I let it happen. I was so busy trying to make everyone happy, I forgot to stand up for myself. True story: When I met my DH, I was living in my 4 bedroom house with my daughter. She was going into her senior year of high school. I work full time and work long hours. I would clean my house every weekend. When my DH moved in with his 2 kids (he had them 50% of the time), I continued to clean the house every week but the situation was very different as they were filthy. After about 6 months of arguments because of this, my DH decided to get a cleaning person once every other week. That lasted about 2 months because she didn't do a very good job and the mess was still there the rest of the time. I went back to cleaning the house and getting more and more resentful. I went into therapy on my own and the first appointment the therapist asked why I was doing all the work, why my DH wasn't helping. (She was breaking the issues into smaller pieces so I could address them without being overwhelmed.) I left that appointment and met my DH at a diner and told him the breakdown of responsibilities at the house we both live in is unfair to me and it has to change. He was pissed but the thing that stuck with me was that while he acknowledged that the situation was inherently unfair to me, in his words "that's the way it's always been". It was working for him so in his mind, why change it. At that point, I knew I had an enormous problem and I knew I had to make serious changes. My therapist said men don't listen to words - they listen to actions. I needed to do something different not for my DH to do anything different but for me to take back my life.
I recommend this article to
I recommend this article to anyone and everyone. It's what lead me to leave and make changes. http://markmanson.net/love
What an excellent read!
What an excellent read! Thank you for sharing!
Please don't have a glimmer
Please don't have a glimmer of hope. He is not the man for you. Your feelings will never be his priority - no matter how sweet and romantic he is now that he has moved out.
Also, when these Skids reproduce it brings more problems - much more serious because now we are older and don't have the same energy to deal with more stress. Our health begins to suffer. Now the skids along with the grand-kids are his priority.
It NEVER ends.
Leave this man at the curb - there is someone else out their for you who will make you a priority and treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
I am so sorry! I know what
I am so sorry! I know what you are feeling; been there done that. Time will help. I know you feel low now, but you have done everything right. Good for you! There will be the right partner for you; you deserve better. You won't be lonely long. Someone will step into your life that will treat you well, because you deserve it.
Keep us posted and ((((hugs)))).