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Grandparents

SusieCue's picture

My DH got a girl pregnant when they were both 16 or 17 years old. She had a son, and disappeared with the kid shortly after, telling the son that his dad was in jail (he wasn't) and didn't let the kid have contact with DH. DH and his son started talking when his son was a young teen (he found DH on Facebook). The son, we'll call him SS18, came to visit us over the summer the year he was 15 so that he could decide if he wanted to live with us (he lives across the country from us) but the visit ended on an uncomfortable note because SS18's behavior towards me was very inappropriate (I will explain further if needed). SS18 now lives on his own, out of state with his girlfriend, and they just had a baby.

DH thinks it's funny to refer to us as grandparents now, or to tell people that I'm a grandmother. In line at the grocery store, at the post office, etc. I don't find this funny at all. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but as it is, I'm always being mistaken for someone way younger because I have a very innocent, open face and don't wear a lot of make-up or have many wrinkles. So whenever he says this, we get odd looks and then I have to go on to explain that my husband's son had a kid, my husband and I are the same age but he just had him young...I don't like to make small talk or deal with people in the first place so it's just become a chore to do this every time.

So I tell DH to stop and he gets upset, saying he is excited that his son had a kid, he's excited to be a grandpa and I'm ruining it for him. I told him that's fine-- you can be excited but he isn't MY son and nothing against this baby, but I'm not its grandmother. I was honest with him and told him that I have taken great pride in not having gotten pregnant at a young age (nothing against anyone that has, but with the upbringing I had, trust me, it's an accomplishment), and every time he says something about me being a grandmother, I then have to explain that no, it wasn't me that got knocked up at 17, etc. I told DH that he next time he decides to say something like that in public, I'm going to say, "Actually, he got some other girl pregnant, not me, when they were 17, so technically him and his baby mama are the grandparents. I'm just the sexually responsible step mom and I think he should've told his son to cover his Jimmy because Lord knows HE didn't cover HIS, or he wouldn't be a grandpa at 36."

ESMOD's picture

My DH's older daughter has two kids.... I am pretty clear with him that I am NOT the grandmother..lol.  I am not particularly close with his older daughter.. and don't feel like she is my daughter in any real way.. I will feel more like a grandmother when his younger daughter has a child.. because she and I are close.

Of course my MIL clutches her pearls when I state I am not the babies grandmother.. but I literally am not.. and am not a baby person..   

I think a 
"haha.. well, no honey.. YOU are a grandpa.. not me... oh.. no.. did we forget your geritol at the store?"

2Tired4Drama's picture

SD just had a baby and in no way, shape or form do I want to be considered a grandmother.  I am not married to her father, either, so even a title of grandmother is inappropriate.

SD and I have zero relationship nor connection between us and don't even communicate.  She sent a note to my SO over the holidays saying they are looking forward to visiting our state with baby to visit his "grandparents" - plural.  I about spit out my coffee when I read that.  She's living in a world of delusion and I won't be part of it.

Susie, I think you have a wonderful response ready when your DH continues to call you grandma.  I agree that this is his time to be excited and want to show off that he's a grandpa, but he doesn't need to tell every person he runs into. 

Tell him he can tell others he's a grandpa if he chooses, but he does not get to call YOU grandma.  If he does, you will interject and say that you are NOT grandma, DH was a stupid teen dad, and now his son is following in his footsteps.   And if you are feeling extra spunky, throw in the line about the son not covering his Jimmy - just like his dad.  That's hilarious!!  

FWIW, this will die down in a while after the newness of being a grandpa wears off.  It is already happening with my SO since the baby was born a couple of months ago.  

 

hereiam's picture

I don't like being referred to as a grandma to my SD's kids. I've been in her life since she was 5 but we are not close and I have no relationship with her kids.

Besides, I purposely did not have kids, so what makes anyone think I want to be someone's grandmother?

DH gets a funny look on his face sometimes when I say that I'm not a grandma.... but I'm not.

SusieCue's picture

That it's because he's excited but I tend to be more realistic and see that those kids are going to struggle through life having a kid so young. I think he's really just trying to grasp onto anything that will keep his son in his life and while I understand, I think he's off base, here. 

Also, it's not even that he was announcing that HE was a grandpa. It was that before he'd say he was a grandparent he was calling me out. For example we're at the grocery store and he's like "She's a grandma!" with no explanation and without taking any responsibility. So basically making people think that it was me that had a kid young and now THAT kid has a kid. But I went to great lengths to use protection and such so it just rubs me the wrong way.

Siemprematahari's picture

And why does H feel compelled to tell everyone that you are the grandmother? You don't even have a bond or relationship with his son and he's shouting this out for all to see. You've already spoke to your H about this and if he continues I'd shut him down every single time he felt the need to comment you're the grandmother. 

What's up with that? Has he even seen the grandkid and spent any real quality time?

tog redux's picture

I'm trying to imagine standing at the post office and having a youngish guy turn around and say, "I'm a grandfather! And she's a grandmother!"

I'd be like, "That's nice ... "      Scratch one-s head

SusieCue's picture

They live on the other side of the country. So far he's seen pictures and that's it. And I agree, it's ridiculous.

Merry's picture

My DH sometimes thinks he's being funny when he's decidedly NOT funny. I have more than once told him that his xyz comment was embarrassing and to knock it off. Usually he IS a funny guy but there aren't many lines he won't cross for a laugh.

If he continues, I'd definitely chime in that you are in fact NOT the grandmother. He seems ok with embarrassing you after you've asked him to stop, so I wouldn't hesitate to embarrass him a bit.

Surely this will wear off soon.

SeeYouNever's picture

Congrats for two generations of irresponsible sex. I really don't understand why he's bragging about being a grandpa... And it is ridiculous that he is pooling you with him. Whenever he brings this up I would just speak for himself.

sandye21's picture

Have any of you been referred to as SD's Mother? 

After one 'trying' day with SD, she was yelling at me, being her usual obnoxious self, we went to a picnic.  DH asked SD and her husband to join us.  At the picnic there was a Bingo game.  Everyone was enjoying themselves while SD sat there with her usual scowl.  Someone actually commented on SD's negative behavior.  Later on someone called SD my daughter and I said, "SD is my step-daughter."  Perhaps this didn't go over well.  At that point I didn't particularly care.

Jcksjj's picture

I've had both my grandpa and aunt tell SD they need to ask Mom (me) permission for things and both times she quickly set them straight and they were shocked. 

Rags's picture

I applaud your responsible ownership of your sexuality and that you take care of yourself.  I would be interestested to hear more about your upbringing that makes escaping your teens without a pregnancy such an accomplishment.

My DW was raised in an environment that resulted in 100% of my IL's children having out of wedlock pregnancies.  4 out of 4 either had out of wedlock children (both my DW and my SIL) or got someone pregnant out of wedlock (BIL1 & BIL2).

Of the 4 my DW is the only one who has made something of note of herself.  The younger three all went nowhere and so far have accomplished little.  Though BIL1 and his wife ultimately appear to have extricated their heads from their own butts and are making a decent life for themselves and their 4 daughters (2 Bio, 2 adopted).

That said, my parents have had a similar batting average with their children.  I had a  college GF who got pregnant and chose to to terminate the pregnancy. I was 19, almost 20 at the time.  I asked her to marry.  She accepted and terminated the pregnancy.  I was at her side through the process (not during the procedure) and we remained engaged for about another 15mos.  I then ended the engagement.

  My younger brother had a short term GF who he got pregnant.  They were 16.  She terminated that pregnanancy.  My parents know about my experience. They do not know about my brother's.  He came to me at the time (I was 22) and asked for my advice and support.  I had his back. He spoke to the girl's parents and told her and them that he would support the child.  Her dad shook his hand and thanked him for manning up.  The girl chose to terminate and that was pretty much the end of their dating. Mty brother covered all of the costs out of his own pocket from his HS part time job.

There are not two sets of parents that could be more different than my ILs and my own parents.  Yet both families had similar breeding kid experiences.

My wife has always busted her butt to not be a statistic of the prototypical single teen mom.  Rather than repeat that mistake over and over again as so many of her HS classmates did, she focused on educating herself so she could provide a great life for her herself and SS.  I am blessed to have been a part of that for 25+ years.

She has never broadcast how old she was when she had SS-27 (she was 16).  She looks a decade or more younger than her 44 years and when people figure out how old SS is they are shocked to hear she has a kid who is in his late mid 20s. She shares that characteristic with  you.  SS-27 does not have any children.  He is very cognizatant of his mom's experiences as well as the tragic life his three younger SpermIdiot spawned also out of wedlock half sibs have  been put through.  His mom figured it out. His SpermIdiot, didn't.  SS also happens to be a gay man so the odds of an OOWL pregnancy by him are slim and none.  He has not ruled out having children but it is not a priority for him.  It will depend on who he lands on as his equity life partner.  Adoption, surrogate or maybe by then... cloning.  

Wink

I agree with your not accepting the title of grandmother. You did not raise this kid, he is a complete non entity in your life.  If your DH chooses to celebrate that his teen son has followed in his footsteps of poor breeding choices your DH should honor your position and make sure ot make it clear to anyone he is speaking with that you are not your SS's mother nore the GSkids GM.

 

 

 

SusieCue's picture

This is such a thoughtful response. I think the thing that gets me the most is that my individual story is being lost because DH thinks that since I married him, I married all of his kids and drama as well. I am my own person. 

As for my upbringing, my father was very inconsistent in my life. I spent most of my life with my mom and four sisters, all of which are 10+ years older than me. So a house full of women, women who relied on men for EVERYTHING from changing lightbulbs to teaching them how to drive. They are all still like that. They all had kids by 18. They measured their self-worth by what guys thought of them. I grew up immersed in that. When I started dating in high school, I made it a point to not end up like Mom or my sisters. 

The Neverending Story's picture

Very, very early in our relationship, long before we were even married, H starting putting out the idea that I was now a new Mom and Grandma. Not that I was replacing his ExW in those roles but according to him she was such a terrible person I would be the extra, much better Mom and Grandma. I was now the new Matriarch so to speak....uhhhhh :'( 

H wasn't particularly interested in having a whole lot of contact with his family so there were long periods of time I didn't have contact with them either, especially his grandkids. But H had this attitude that because we were a couple it meant I must automatically now love all these strangers unconditionally as if they were my own. He acted so hurt when I tried explaining to him that I just don't feel that way towards them and dared asked why he expected me to.

I struggled hard with his expectations. I felt guilty and for a long time wondered if something was wrong with me. But I cringed when his grown daughters referred to me as Mama or when some Gkids would call me Grandma. Felt sick when the other Gkids would get reprimanded for not calling me Grandma.

But really....How totally stupid, messed up and ridiculous is all that.  I've since learned better about this crap.

I don't know if it was deliberate manipulation on H's part or just crazy, stupid expectations of his. No matter what it was, we do not have to love them as our own because they are not our own!!