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Graduation dinner??

Clothesline's picture

I have a question to ask you ladies (and men!). What would you think about your SO going to a graduation dinner with BM without you?

My SO has a daughter who is graduating and the school hosts a formal dinner/graduation event which parents are welcome. I found out (by accident, I wasn't told) SO and BM are both going to attend. I have not been invited. I'm not the kids mom so I realize I have no right to attend, but I hate the fact that SO and BM will be there together with their kids like a intact family. I would be fine with just a graduation ceremony but this event is for a whole night, involves a sit down dinner, dancing etc. SO, BM and skid will all be sitting together, posing for pics etc. I am also concerned as I think SO and BM plan to go together in one car. Even when I'm writing this it sounds stupid to me, and petty. Logically, I know it is just for the skid, however, emotionally I'm finding it difficult to process the feelings of my SO and his ex socialising as a happy "family". It frustrates me that in any other situation it would be inappropriate for an attached person to go out with for the night with an ex when their partner is not invited, but in stepworld for some reason it is acceptable.

Amcc13's picture

Graduation is a tough time to negotiate but he has to go to kids grad and she has just as much right to go. Usually for these things only two tickets are issued per students so mom and dad are the likely choices to go. I can understand your frustration at the situation but I think they come from a different area- they are not related to the graduation but the graduation is the event that unearths them.
If this man has truly moved on, then eating and sitting with his ex should mean nothing to him - he should be focused on his child for the evening and taking many pics with her as well as the obligatory pic with both of them which all kids want from grad
The questions really are
- why do you not trust him to be alone for an evening with his ex?
And
- if this is all above bored and something very common and basic, why did he not tell you and why did you have to find out about it by yourself ???
There seems to be a trust issue that runs deeper here in my opinion....

twoviewpoints's picture

Has SO contacted the school to inquire about dinner tickets for the meal and dance? In my area, realizing that many students are COD and living in an assortment of family situations, these events are extremely flexible.

Here, this evening event would be faceless tickets. Meaning student can purchase 2 to 4 tickets to accommodate reality that student may have stepparents along with bio-parents, may be being raised by grandparents, foster parents, blah blah. Not every student have traditional Mom, Dad and 'happy family' units. To expect such without exception ad flexibility serves only to alienate students from the very event meant to honor and celebrate the students.

At this moment, what you don't know is why you're being excluded, why it's a secret BM is also attending and possibly riding with SO et. Of course BM is attending, that part certainly shouldn't have taken you by surprise. She'll always attention functions involving her child. Rightly so. What is inappropriate is if BM and SO turn this into 'date night' together. What is also inappropriate is if the school really has excluded anyone but biological mother/father.

Now, find out what the event facts are, then have a discussion with SO.

Maxwell09's picture

I doubt your family is the only stepfamily in the school so your SO could probably ask for an extra ticket but since he never even mentioned it to you that probably means he doesn't want to bother. My SS4 went to a private "church" preschool and they only gave the kids two tickets to their thanksgiving feast and there were no exceptions because of limited space. I think I would let my SO go because it's a school function and I don't think he should miss those. It's also one of the last time your SO should ever have to do it. If I were you I would wonder why he didn't bother to be up front about it but I would also be thankful he wasn't dragging me into the situation. Do you think he didn't tell you about it because he knew you'd be upset and he didn't want to fight with you about it? Men tend to do that thinking they are "sparing our feelings" but really women just see it as hiding things. Don't take it personally, the school is doing it to others as well.

AlreadyGone's picture

"I found out (by accident, I wasn't told)"

This is the part that bothers me. If it's no big deal, why were you not told? Have you had issues with your SO involving BM before? Did he not tell you because he knew you would get upset? Or is this his usual behavior? To do whatever with/for BM and just exclude you, to the point of hiding it from you?

What makes you think they will ride together in one car? If their relationship is cordial and there have been no issues, it's probably not a big deal. However, I'm still stuck on the not telling you any of this. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

As for graduation, of course BOTH bios will attend. If they are cordial, they may even sit together. Riding together as one big happy family always seemed a little ridiculous to me as well, but it isn't a deal breaker. Is this dinner a separate event from the graduation itself?

AlreadyGone's picture

I would have assumed that someone I'm in a relationship with would have the common courtesy to tell me he was attending a graduation dinner/dancing event with his X. I would also assume he'd tell me, if his plans included riding with X in one car.

Now, call me whiny and petty if you will, (that is your MO isn't it?) but there is such a thing as common courtesy. Or is that yet another decency that eludes us in this overly politically correct toilet we call a world today? (rhetorical) :?

AlreadyGone's picture

Smile My apologies. I took your reply to mean that OP should have assumed that her SO was going to graduation, and should not be upset by the plans being made without her knowledge, in reference to this dinner/dancing/driving scenario. Graduation Ceremony = Yes. Dinner/dancing/driving = BIG ?? on that one. That's why I was interrogating her, lol.

Need more information..... Wink

notasm3's picture

Your SO has a DATE with his ex wife to go out to dinner and dancing and he tried to keep it a secret from you. The rest is just misc. static.

Of course he should go to the graduation but not WITH the ex. Going to the dinner and sitting at the same table with the ex is understandable too - but he could excuse himself after dinner.

I do not allow my DH to date other women. And yes I used the word "allow" because a man who is going to have a date with another woman would NOT be allowed to be my SO any more.

Add in the fact that he lied by omission and this just stinks. I would neither go bat sh*t crazy nor would I suffer in silence with resentment. It's time to have a serious but calm discussion with your SO. No one but you can determine the amount of disrespect and lies you can tolerate.

still learning's picture

I went to an out of state national sports award ceremony for DS17 that included a sit down dinner. DS was given only ONE ticket and to buy another cost $120. I went to the event and exH was there also. DH knew all the facts and stayed home for work. DS gave me the ticket and exH was given one by a kid whose parents couldn't attend. It was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. All the tables were round, the coaches were there w/out their spouses but everyone else was coupled up. exH kept trying to buddy up and socialize with me, I played along for about 5 minutes then excused myself to the ladies room. When I got back I sat in an empty chair across the table from him. One mom gave me a funny look for sitting apart from exH and asked, "what does your husband do." I said, "my EX husband is a ... blah blah." That shut her up, and needless to say it was very awkward.

If there had been the option of dancing w/exH it would not have happened. I'm there for my son and civil to exH for the sake of our son...that's it. DH trusted me and had no qualms w/the situation. Just because the ex's have to be in public together for a kid doesn't mean that it's going to be fun for either one of them.

Clothesline's picture

Thank you for your input, I appreciate the comments.

To clarify - I found out about the event by overhearing SD on the phone with BM. I also got a peak of the invitation that was sent home for the parents and skid. SO and I do not live together. We have been together for two years and are currently in the process of getting a ring made, will be engaged very soon, and move in shortly after. I get along great with SD (just using that for convenience). She lives 100% with SO and I spend a lot of time with her. The event is from 5pm until midnight. It is for a private school. The tickets cost $150 each. I am unsure how many tickets each child gets, but I would be surprised if it were more than two. The graduation is being held a a fancy waterfront wedding venue an hour away. I have no idea why the school looked it that far away.

SO has not mentioned it at all. We have had issues in the past with him being too enmeshed with BM "for the kids". That seemed to fade away a lot after I made my feelings known on the subject. Although, perhaps I am just being suspicious now, but there may have been kids events etc going on that they have socialised together at which I have not been told about. SO is likely to try to avoid telling me too much about the event. I think he would be quite happy to omit pertinent details about it, just to avoid drama with me. He does like the skids to be affected in any way due to the divorce, and would be unlikely to set boundaries should it affect the skid.

I suspect they will be driving together, but I have no evidence. It is just a feeling based on past experiences. SO does not know I am aware of the graduation. A couple of comments mentioned that I am concerned about the image of SO and BM together. This is true. I find it very difficult knowing my partner is viewed as still being in a family with BM. It feels so polygamous, and disrespectful.

I did not expect to attend the graduation. This was when I assumed it was just a ceremony. This does feel more like a date though, than a graduation. I know SO will be happy to pose for pics with BM and SD, and they will be the perfect little family. Before I came along SO and BM used to do regular dinners together with the skids. He thought I would just join in and be another member of "their family". He was very put out to realise that I had no intention of degrading myself like that. He does go out of his way now to be very respectful of our relationship. I have not seen BM is nearly a year and from my knowledge all the extra enmeshed stuff stopped.

I will find a quiet moment to bring up the dinner and see what SO says. I suspect he will pull the "its for the skid" thing and get a little frustrated that I am not happy to go along with it. I do think it is quite rude of the school to plan such an event. Surely there would be more than one set of divorced parents/steps who would be uncomfortable with it. Why they couldn't just do a normal ceremony and let the parents choose if they do a dinner after is beyond me.

twoviewpoints's picture

What does the invitation say? Does it really say Miss Graduate and her two parents names. Or more along the lines of Miss Graduate and her parents? "Parents" broadens the invitation and would not necessarily be all inclusive to "Mr Father and Ms Ex Mr Father.

If they are nailing $150 a dinner plate, I'll assume it also is RSVP with number of seats requested and deadline date. Also an envelope to submit the fee.

My hunch is you have been deliberately excluded by your SO. If he tells you, you'll get all upset BM will be there and pictures taken. If he invites you, you'll be all upset BM is there too and pictures will be taken. I think he decided to go with a 'I will just not mention the evening after ceremony activities '.

If you seriously intend to marry this man, stop guessing/assuming and sit down and communicate together. Lying, half-truths and/or just evading the issues will not a happy marriage make. On the other hand, neither will banning SO and BM from attending their children's life events . There will be graduations, weddings, grandchildren arrivals ect.

You don't have to do Sunday afternoon 'family' dinners together. No 4th of July BBQ. No Christmas mornings, blah blah.... but there will be times the three of you (four if BM has a SO/husband)have to occasionally attend the same events at the same time. That is something you will have to learn to cope with.

still learning's picture

" I do think it is quite rude of the school to plan such an event."

I do hope you're kidding. This statement is making it all about YOU instead of the kids graduating. How dare they plan an event w/out consulting YOU first. Really?

AlreadyGone's picture

'Join in and be a member of "their family."'

OK. Why did they bother to get divorced and move on to other people?? (Assuming BM has a SO as well?) :?

Clothesline's picture

I said a similar thing. The point of divorce is NOT to be together! Why on earth divorced people still want to spend time together when it's not necessary beats me.

Clothesline's picture

Thanks Sally, I appreciate your advice. I am a little weary about getting engaged. I will take your input about SO not being ready for a true marriage. That is something I am going to have to look into further before taking the plunge!

Rags's picture

DH to BM: My wife and I are attending. Do you plan on being there?

End of discussion and problem.

Clothesline's picture

That's how I would expect it to go. SO though places way too much control in the hands of the skids. He "respects their decisions" on everything from only eating junk food, to not studying for exams. I don't get involved unless it directly affects me. SO would be likely to tell me it's SD's event and he just has to do what she wants.

Rags's picture

SO to BM: My SO and I will be there. Are you planning on attending?

End of discussion, end of issue.

My appologies for any assumptions I have made. Hopefully my correction hits the mark.

The point is that you should be there with your SO and your SO should set that fact of the future and enforce it firmly with both the X and the Kid(S). That SO did not inform you ahead of time is an issue you should address whether you wish to attend or not.

Clothesline's picture

We have been together for a little over 2 years. Yes, they are divorced Smile I haven't had a chance to talk to SO about it all yet, flat out with work. I want to sit down and bring it up then. I agree it's not up to BM to organise me a ticket. Thank you for all the advice!

iluvcheese's picture

My opinion may not be popular, but it's what I think of the whole thing. A graduation ceremony, absolutely the parents should attend. I think step parents should also be invited if there is space, especially if they've been involved in the skids life for a long time. This isn't a graduation ceremony, it's a dinner. I highly doubt the school would have said no to someone asking for another ticket. Its more money in their pockets. If he says they said no, I'd be calling to confirm given the lying.

I consider this dinner a social event. I don't think social events should be attended without SOs and steps being invited. If you choose not to go, that's on you. I also think social events should be limited to the necessary stuff, not constantly doing stuff together, ahem weekly dinners. You weren't invited to this social event and you were lied to about it, both aren't cool. I'd be very unhappy about withholding info. What else doesn't he tell you? Is it okay for you to cheat and not tell him, because you don't want to hurt his feelings or start a fight? Obviously not. Withholding is lying and it has devastating consequences, because you begin to wonder what else is being withheld.

Driving together seems completely unnecessary to me, unless someone has a disability and can't drive. They are stuck relying on when the other wants to leave. I'd have some concerns about the boundaries between BM& BD. The family dinner thing, red flag. His withholding, a huge red flag. If he lies to you about stuff like this, how will you to ever get comfortable with his having any form of a relationship with BM? It will only make things worse. His desire to attend social events without you, another red flag. Yes in this instance he wants to go for his daughter, but why without you? You need to talk to him and try to remain calm.

Cocoa's picture

OMG don't marry this man till he understands what marriage actually means. Counseling pronto. Wish someone had given me this advice and I had followed it.