Gpa's Final Days, Need advise
My grandfather's health has been deteriorating for quite some time and all the family knows it and because everyone has become so used to him being sick I think everyone has come accustom. However, my mother has become very protective, wanting to keep all family members away, saying my grandparents need their rest. True, however in recent calls to my Gma she has become sick and because everyone was told by my mom to leave them alone no one knew how sick she was. When a family member besides my mom checked they found out that my Gma had nearly collapsed taking care of my Gpa, had actually slipped down a dresser and split her leg. My Gpa has now fallen 4 times and Gma was telling everyone he took a shower and shaved while in the shower which she thought was a good sign when actually it was way to dangerous for him to be in the shower at all, he cannot walk without assistance.
My mother has been sugar coating things to keep people away, she does not want the rest of the family knowing the severity of the problem. Even I did not know until I called my Gma and it was me who asked someone else to check on her, I live hours away. I found out that my mom had asked the tenant below my grandparents to call her if anybody came to visit which he did as soon as the family member showed up that I had asked to check. This other family member was meeting a home health provider to see if the house was safe for my Gpa to remian in, and I had asked my Gma to please talk about her issues with the provider but I wanted someone there besides my mom to help my grandparents to comminucate.
As it turned out my grandparents were both taken to the hospital and my mom arrived just as they were making this decision. She was furious that this other family member was present because she had already talked to her specifically and told her to stay away. I think my grandparents are finally getting the medical attention they need. The home health care provider did ask my Gma if she knew my Gpas was dying and the problems she was seeing with him not eating and not drinking water were due to his body shutting down. She was very tactful but I think this was the first that she was told that he was on his way out, something I had been asking my mom and not getting anything but a response to make me believe the cancer was going to get him eventually.
Now I and the other family member are torn as everyone has been kept out and we know that Gpa probably won't make it til Xmas. My mom wants no one to visit saying they can't handle company which is true but I feel the family needs to be informed of the truth and those who choose to say good-bye should have that right. I plan to talk to my Gma when she gets out of the hospital and see what she wants to do. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with my mother? I think she was hoping Gpa could pass in peace and then she would only have to deal with family at the funeral, she is not close to any of her siblings.
Very sad time for all of you.
Very sad time for all of you. I would tell your mother, that people need to be able to see Gpa before he passes. That you will contact them, tell them their visits must be planned in advance, and be kept short and sweet. It may be that your mother is trying to hold court of her little family without the interruption of everyone else getting in the mix and taking away her special "time".
Sometimes the sibling, in charge, is not exactly the "best" choice to make the necessary decisions.... sometimes emotions put them in total denial, or they see it so much, they don't really recognize the seriousness of the situation. Could also be, that Gma and Gpa made it very clear to her they wanted to die at home, so she was trying to make sure that happened for them. Who knows.
Do what you think you must do, and talk to your mother.
Good Luck.
I am a geriatric nurse and
I am a geriatric nurse and what your mother did was wrong - everyone should be made aware of the situation and if they want to go and say good-bye they should be able to - believe the nurses will make sure that people only visit for a little while. Sometimes I have had patients hold on until a certain member of the family came and said good bye. I am talking about someone who should have died but waited 2 weeks until their twin sister could show up - this woman just held on - so your family should have the right to go and say goodbye to your grandfather and if you mom won't tell people than you should.
When my Mom died everyone wanted to put a feeding tube in - my mother never wanted one - I expressed my opinion and was called a killer - I understood where they came from but I still had to give my opinion about what my mother wanted. They put a feeding tube in and she died of aspiration pneumonia about 4 days later. We all were okay with each other after the funeral but I think it is because I knew my sisters did not mean what they said because they did not know that putting the tube in was not saving her life just prolonging the inevitable.
I am so sorry for all of you but I am glad that you had someone go over and check it out - your Gma should not have had that responsibility of your Gpa on her own. Thank goodness they are in the hospital and being taken care of and that your Gma now can rest.
Unfortunately my mom has
Unfortunately my mom has instructed my grandma not to answer her phone and the tenant is to call my mom if anyone comes to the house. I know my Gma got out of the hospital and they found out that she had anemia. Never had it in her life and with a nurse in the family I understand this could be an indication of something more.
No one has heard if Gpa got to go back home.....the plan was he was to go to the hospital since my Gma was sick and couldn't care for him but with her home now I don't know if he returned or not. He was scheduled for a radiation therapy appt Monday which I warned my Gma and parents about as it is my understanding the treatment is only to ease his pain but as weak as he is I think it is only going to speed up his end.
Gma believes in miracles and I think she feels the radiation is Gpa's only hope to pull thru. Trying to tell her what I read and what I have heard about radiation I could tell she wasn't listening.
Basically, my daughters and I have been cut off and shut out because we got involved. My Gma knows to keep my mom happy she has to go along with what my mom wants. My dad will support my mom 100% no matter how psychotic the situation is..
I waver between letting go of the family completely......this is nothing new for my mom, and realizing I said my last good-byes to my grandparents OR trying to contact my Gma and being as gently involved as possible. My Gma cannot keep a secret and with the obligation to my mom, if I do call Gma will tell my mom who will be all over me in a heart beat. I am 47 years old, I am not a child, so this is very frustrating.
Any suggestions?