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Gotta love it - after how many years???

IAMGOOD's picture

My kids dad basically has never participated in a lot of their life. From when born he never made it to school musicals or parent/teacher conferences. Not a worry or care in the world - I do all the parenting. Work has always been number one...or should I say "HE" has always been number 1. Cause of course he has the most important job in the world that requires him to give up his personal life. (extreme sarcasm) (no he is not a doctor or saving the world) (lol)

Well now my kids are 14 and 16. I have had majority psychical custody since 2008 and he moved 40 minutes away when he left me for his girlfriend. He has them every other weekend and usually gets shortened for some reason.

This past weekend, without my knowledge, he asks them if they want spend 3 days a week with him all summer.....that she can work where he works...and god knows what my 14 year old son is supposed to do while she works the 3 - 10 hour days with him. BTW, he now lives over an hour away from me. The kids obviously rejected the idea but I was pretty bull that he would even bring it up. Since they "no way" want to do that I am not pursuing this with a lawyer. That means money and time and aggravation and bottom line they don't want to go there. I just can't deal with even bringing it up with him cause he is the type that waits to stir the pot and I learned the best reaction is none and he goes away.

What a jerk though!!!

Just had to vent!!!!

Calypso1977's picture

so he's offering your daughter a job at his company? sounds good to me.

im pretty sure a 14 year old boy can entertain himself just fine. at the very least, id consider sending your daughter if she has no other summer job opportunities.

our of curiosity, did you work when you were married or were you a SAHM? a personal pet peeve of mine is when SAHMs complain their husbands arent around enough. often times they cant be when they are the sole breadwinner. its often a sacrifice to have one parent stay home with the kids.

IAMGOOD's picture

He had many chances to be involved - YEARS!!!!

My choice to ignore is because NOW my kids need simplicity in their lives. NOW he is showing interest - what about back then when they needed it????

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Agreed. And beyond 18.

My kids dad has sucked since about year 3. But if they have half the relationship with their dad as young adults as I have with mine, I would be ecstatic for them.

IAMGOOD's picture

Your comments are useless and you are applying your own life experiences to my life.

I am a rock solid parent and have done it all on my own. Oh - and BTW - yes - I work HARD. Two Master's degrees & two professions. Made more money than the jerk but he chose to make my life very hard and disappear for 16 hour work shifts. Total b.s.

I just realized I came here to vent and you are clearly a disgruntled x husband to someone or maybe you married one. Maybe you have too much time on your hands. My x husbands new wife doesn't have children and doesn't work. How is that one for you!!!! She sits on her fat rumpa and also she entered a relationship with a married man and ended their (my) marriage. The final nail in coffin. OH YEAH....and 3 years prior to that her lovely new husband - my x - was sleeping with one of his employees. But I took him back. My OB said to me 3 years later when we split up "clearly your x husband cheated on you because you have the HP virus and need biopsies for cervial cancer. I was 100% monogomous for 21 years to him. He chose to sleep around - and two years prior to the affair I had breast cancer. Oh yes, excuse me, I didn't work for 2 years cause I needed surgery and needed to watch my mother die from terminal cancer. We were diagnosed 6 weeks from each other. So yes, being the lazy person I am - I stayed home for a couple years. Skipped around to hospitals and hospice.

A real charmer just like YOU!!! Thanks for the support. So glad I came here to vent.

Jerk #2

QueenBeau's picture

I was actually going to say "I would be happy the kids say no & leave it at that"

But all of this you put for evidence as to why you don't want them to go... is not about the kids. It's about you. & maybe he has been a horrible dad. But all of this you listed about him, is about him being a bad HUSBAND not a bad dad. Just seems odd.

Anyways, I suggest you sit around & wait a little bit because just because 1st or 2nd poster doesn't agree with youd oesn't mean a lot of others wouldn't.

I wouldn't want my kids going to spend 1/2 the summer with some guy (I know I know, their dad, but still) they have hardly ever seen. & I think it was inappropriate for him to ask them before asking you.

misSTEP's picture

Wow - the only time you mentioned a child at all in that rant was to say that the new wife (the whore my husband married (TM)) didn't have any.

I can understand being pissed because the father is lax in his duties. Hell, my own son's father hasn't even BOTHERED to be a part of his life. Didn't even pay CS until they tracked him down finally when my DS was almost 10 years old already.

But you don't decide the relationship of your children with their father based on YOUR anger with him. The reasons you are getting responses such as mine is because a LOT of SMs have to deal with exes who are vindictive towards the fathers and it harms the children too. Sad :?

Sounds like you have known he is an ass for 16 years now if not more.

IAMGOOD's picture

Nope. It has always been about my kids. And no. I am not the poison apple bm. I am step mom to two kids. I never ever say bad things about their dad. In fact. I speak well of him. The kids are am extension of him and if i make him ugly they will see themselves that way. This is an adult anonymous site designed for people like me and you to vent. That is all. And all you did was judge. I am proud that despite of the abuse i took from him i managed to promotr and support him to kids as good dad.

IAMGOOD's picture

I just decided to never come back here again. People come here for support. Not to have people that know nothing of my situation and struggles in life with a horrible co-parent.

I rarely vent.

I hope life gives it right back to the both of you.


Disneyfan's picture

If he has been uninvolved for years, the sudden interest would cause me to think he's up to something. If a BM has a history of causing trouble all then all of a sudden started being kind and accommodating, I'm sure moet SMs would think she was plotting something.

If the OP's ex pays CS, maybe he's trying to increase overnights in an effort to have it lowered.

IAMGOOD's picture

Thank u. It is odd. I see it as so selfish and disrespectful to me to not discuss first but even more so that he is so out of touch with them. As always. He is so disconnected to their needs. Yes. Same way he was disconnected to me and my needs. He fell asleep during the birth of my second child. And he said was sick when in labor with my first. Sleeping thru a lot if that too. I am sad he missed out but this is his lesson in life. My lesson is to do the right thing and ignore people that judge me from a distance cuz their opinions are not needed. I was only looking for some sympathy.

IAMGOOD's picture

Thank u. It is odd. I see it as so selfish and disrespectful to me to not discuss first but even more so that he is so out of touch with them. As always. He is so disconnected to their needs. Yes. Same way he was disconnected to me and my needs. He fell asleep during the birth of my second child. And he said was sick when in labor with my first. Sleeping thru a lot if that too. I am sad he missed out but this is his lesson in life. My lesson is to do the right thing and ignore people that judge me from a distance cuz their opinions are not needed. I was only looking for some sympathy.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

^^^This^^^^^. Just try to concentrate on what type of "dad", not husband he is/was.

IAMGOOD's picture

yes. my therapist 7 years ago told me that he was a bad husband. That distinction was always clear between husband and father. My kids love him hence why I have made sure he stays part of their life even when he showed few signs of it.
Have a nice day!!! Thank you

IAMGOOD's picture

Yes punkin. Thank u. That is what i meant. My x is a kid. So be is going on the whim right now and if i ignore he will chill. It is better tonot engage him cuz when he is emotional he tries to drag me in. My new husband is my relationship now. I dont have to deal with the x emotionally and that is the perk of divorce. One of the few perks cuz there arent many. Thank u for not rushing to judgement. I dont like doing or playing the pity card but when i felt the lack of empathy and kindness from first posts it reminded me of what i went thru. The lonely nights. The feeling abandoned. Put me on defense! I went thru a lot and expected more kindness here.

IAMGOOD's picture

My x moved away to move in with his girlfriend he was having affair with while we were married. We stand at sporting events and talk. You know crap! I dont lie either and he never attended a conference when we were married and he could have. These were choices. And i came here to vent. . Not to have you apply ur experiences to me and stereotype me and target me like i am like the bm u deal with. I am a step parent to two.

IAMGOOD's picture

My x moved away to move in with his girlfriend he was having affair with while we were married. We stand at sporting events and talk. You know crap! I dont lie either and he never attended a conference when we were married and he could have. These were choices. And i came here to vent. . Not to have you apply ur experiences to me and stereotype me and target me like i am like the bm u deal with. I am a step parent to two.

IAMGOOD's picture


Bio-Step-Mom's picture

My kids are 14 and 16 with a dad that moved across the country and rarely sees them and owes me $75K in CS arrears.

He is not dangerous or a threat to them (that would be a different story) - he's just not a great dad.

I have NO opinion on when/how he sees his kids. If they don't want to, they tell him directly. If they want to go see him, spend breaks with him, etc...who am I to say no? (not REALLY who am I, but you know what I mean).

IAMGOOD's picture

My story is not your story. My x didnt have addictions. I have no idea what you are talking about. Give him a chance? Huh? We have different stories. My kids are teens and dont want to be sent away from their friends an their community and lives. They see him every other weekend. ?

IAMGOOD's picture

Not worth it.
No....I am a fantastic BM and have always promoted positive interaction with dad. He was unemployed for 18 months and still did not want extra custody. He wouldn't even drive over for the one night of week he had with them.
No.....this is about THEM and protecting them from a complete self loving man. A person that puts himself first and the kids last.
Yes.....I ask the kids their opinions all the time and do not just SHUT DOWN right away an idea. They clearly were NOT WANTING to go with him.
No...I have no tolerance for blatent assumptions and rudeness and people that choose not to listen is my 16 year old he wants to work....not my 14 year old. My 16 year old does NOT want to work where he works and if she did I would listen. My kids don't want to spend weekends with them anymore but I tell them....your dad loves you and would be upset if you didn't go.

I am well beyond anger with him. What I will not allow is for a self-loving person to take charge of my kids now that it has become an emotional need for HIM. The kids are doing great. They like going every other weekend. The balance is established.

It is sad that so many many assumptions about my words were made.

oh...and if I cut the cord then why not just tell them to go "jump". Whether you people like it or not "I" have been their sole source of reliability in their lives. I am their rock. Dad's lose their rights when they choose to bail out and go on cruises, trips, party for YEARS while I am working, teaching values, - it is called parenting.

Most of you should be ashamed at what you have said to me here. Bunch of people with their own agendas. Their own hurtful situations. Dad's that think the BM is evil. You know I voluntarily cut the alimony when he lost his job for stealing. I also voluntarily threw him on my health plan. I also changed the custody arrangement so he could have them 2 extra nights a month. That is all he ever wanted. He told me during mediation that they are "my kids" and belong with me. I insisted on holiday and vacations sharing schedule becuz I knew they would need me.

No. I am not angry with him. The deal has worked and I have been ok being the "go to" girl. But at this point, ages 14 and 16, DAD has to respect they are growing up and whether or not he missed that - is not their issue. They want to be in their community. They love their dad. But they have a life here and they CHOOSE to be here.

So no lawyers have ever ever been used. AND you know why? Cause I have always done the RIGHT THINGS and been fair and yes...the cord is still attached to my children with all my heart. And they are growing up...and someday will move out. Maybe they will spend time with him. And that is OK!

I have a new husband. He is a wonderful man so I am not angry. His leaving me opened up my door to meeting someone else. I get more help now than I ever did. My kids respect and appreciate their step dad. They call HIM when they need a ride home from somewhere or a favor cause guess what??? Dad has NEVER ever been around for them.

It IS WHAT IT deal. This is NOT about ME. THIS IS about protecting my children's lives. So no lawyers I can save for their college now....cause dad doesn't want to pay for it.

What a terrible judgmental and nasty response from some of you. I hope life treats you better and the people in it and maybe if you offer some compassion and understanding instead of judgement good things will come your way too and you don't have to hate me so much.

IAMGOOD's picture

Parenting is not done when it js convenient. As fat as poor him affording gas money he walked walked away with 130k equity and 20k in savings and collected the home time. He also worked under table for his new father in law and his new wife earned money. I wouldnt worry about him too much.
Again. He was a bad husband and a dad who chose not to do his parental role. Good thing the kids had a mom that cared. I did the right things. I have learned that coming to a support site was a lesson. I need to pat myself on back and not open myself up to judgement or approval.
The disconnect. Well it is him and always has been. So the sensing of hr disconnect is extremely psychic but yup. Him. Kids are thriving with grades and sports and friends. They are on a good path and they know it. So i have nothing to fear. But he is not going to disrupt their lives now to appease his own regrets. They deserve what we have.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

You have done and said nothing wrong.Your ex is an idiot.Years he leaves you to do all the hard work and now he wants to be back on his terms.Great you leave it for the kids to decide, but , mind you, I understand they are not too keen to go for his "generous" offer!!

IAMGOOD's picture

Thank u for understanding me. I am a step mom to two children and know what it is like to a bm poison kids. That has never been me. You hit nail on head with teens and activities. Dad is pushing more when kids are wanting less. He is questioning sign up of some sports that they are so passionate about. They are atheletes whom at least one is headed for college scholarship. I know what i have done and i am not hateful toward him but upset at his recent efforts to please himself once again. I suspect nee marriage is failing and this is motivatir. Thank u again. Peace!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I get it- for years and all these hard years when the kids are little, the poster had to do everything by herself and the "important"job of her ex prevented him from parenting his kids????????I would feel exactly the same !!! Now, since the kids are older it is so convenient to play suddenly daddy now!!!!Stop attacking this BM for feeling angry about the sudden change of this jerk.This has nothing to do with her not promoting a healthy father-child relationship- this is about a parent who abundaned his kids for years and now wants to get back into their lifes because it is convenient for HIM.Category asshole if you ask me!!! However, at the same time it might be still not such a bad thing if the kids spend a little bit of time with him, no matter how stupid he was in the past- after all, he is the BF and trust me, they will find out what type of idiot he is sooner than later.

IAMGOOD's picture

Thank you. But he has them every other weekend. So he does spend time. Now suddenly grabbing for more. And the kids are good with every other weekend. The kids if anyhing find the long distance very difficult. What he is suggesting this summer is all about him. But thank you for coming to my defense. I am ok. Just wish people would stop playing psychic!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

awh, I didn't get that he had them every second weekend.That is at least some effort, but I can imagine that you want to protect your kids of being hurt.My ex is btw, a kid, too.One with a doctor title, lol, but still a kid.He has thanks god a nice gf these days and she pyt "family life" back in his head, which means he does do suddenly stuff with the kids.Great!! However, I find myself being resentful that the kids see him suddenly as the" greatest and most wonderful dad" for every little thing he does and after years he really didn't care a lot...

IAMGOOD's picture

I laughed when you said the "greatest". Well my guess is they see you as GREATER as you did your job and let them love their dad. I understand the twing of resentment - it's like - "hey bud - they feel this way about you becuz I did the right thing but I am really the one that raised them!!!". But that's ok. I consider my raising my kids mainly alone a blessing - a challenging one - but it allowed me to keep a steady life for them and environment. But I do think they could have had MORE if he was involved or tried to be. He just never has. The opportunity was there.

I actually have told my kids that their dad was unselfish enough to allow you to be with me most of the time. I compare their situation to my step children and say "would you really like to be like them and the 50% thing?" and they respond right away NO!! Of course many 50:50 situations work when the parents are working co-operativily and I know good exampls of that.

Life isn't perfect for sure.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

No one is trying to play psychic. Your original post read that you're "protecting" teens stability when in reality at 14/16 they can decide on how much relationship they have with ncp provided he isn't an actual threat to their health. Then you have a diatribe about how he left you which Is again completely irrelevant to their relationship with their dad.

I find it hard to believe that kids that old have such a tough time with the distance.

And you keep saying he is making a "sudden" request (grab) for more time.

So? What's wrong with that?

Disneyfan's picture

If he's requesting more time in an effort to decrease CS, then that's a problem. If he wants to spend more time with his kids because his marriage is falling apart, that is also a problem.

If a SM posted that a psycho BM suddenly started acting sane, would you say so, what's wrong with that? Or would you tell SM to keep her guard up?

If someone makes a 180 out of the blue, chances he/she is up to something.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Psycho BM =\= EOWE dad who OP judges as not involved enough.

OP keeps talking about what bio dad did TO HER.

She keeps defending that they "see him every other weekend" but it's a stretch and just INSANE that he wants them there a bit more during the summer.

I'm not reading into it as you are (what if the sky fell? What if the ocean dried up? Etc). I'm taking her crazy posts at face value.

JustAgirl42's picture


On the flip side, couldn't you also say that if mom doesn't want dad to have more time in an effort to keep CS from decreasing that that would be a problem?

And, if dad's marriage is falling apart, I would think the last thing that would help would be to have his kids there. We all know that would make the problem MUCH worse.

IAMGOOD's picture

Well hate to disapoint you but they do have problem with distance. Your sensitivity towards people is amazing. He is a crappy parent too. But i have to sugar coat him for the kids. The opposite of what many bms do. You dont belong here if you are here to judge and critisize. I wasnt looking for your approval. My diatribe is my life. Karma is a bummer and u will be getting ur lessons in offering kindness and compassion to people in pain.

JustAgirl42's picture

No one has mentioned the possibility of a BM not wanting the BF to have more custody because her CS could go down.

I am NOT saying this is true in the OP's case.

hansolo's picture

one of the best posts on this thread topic. Its kinda hard to see some of the other the knee-jerk reactions to only one side of the story. Just the tone of responses makes me cringe.

Ya see, I'm an active NCP and live away for job reasons since I couldn't find a job near my bd. I'm the one faithfully paying tax-free child support, the back and forth and the plane tickets to see me with no help from bm. Never told me anything about what's going on with bd and worse, even told her not to tell me. There's more, but bottom line, its a clear cut case of pas back then as it is now where she uses the excuse of plans, friends, work, etc to block me from seeing her.

Just don't like this idea of just leaving it up to the kids, even at this age. There should be a way to pave the way to a reconciliation if his motives are true.

IAMGOOD's picture

I am not your bm. I am sorry that you want to be involved and i am sure you make sure to get on report card mailing lists and when u ask about kids she refuses to tell you stuff. That is terrible. The responses here are to beat up a bm that is doing the right things. My x calls the kids at night. Call them every night and as they get older u can help them with homework over phone. Etc. good luck

hansolo's picture

No, of course not. You are not my bm. Was that ever in doubt? I login to check on her grades (it is 2014, ya

I am sure you are doing your part as bm...I was trying to help you understand another point of view.

Btw, forgot to mention I've moved back to close to my bd 3x, each time with no success bc of bm. Not your problem, but mine. But I do live down the street from her and bm makes every excuse.

So, just relax, no-one is attacking you...these are just opinions based on the facts portrayed in your post. I understand you need to vent...but you may want to give pause on reacting to posts. Sounds like you have a lot of built-up resentment or whatever, but its not serving anybody good.

Sleep well...most people on her understand far more than you know regarding dealings with exes and steps.

IAMGOOD's picture

I think as the kids get older - they will request you in their lives more. I don't know the ages but if you keep staying in tune with their lives - the window will open up.
I am sorry you have moved close and she is still resistent. Why does she see you as such a threat? It sounds like HER Problem but gee....don't you get them at all?
Hang in there!!!

I do think many people understand and have also suffered. Let us face it - we only get so many chances at having a family and when it is taken from us - that hurts. THey are our life and blood. But the x spouse will lose later on if they see her as a "blocker". I know the teen years can be big turn arounds - kids WANT to have relationship with dad. Keep busy - take care of yourself, work hard and you'll get them back. May not be living with you - but you will have their hearts.

IAMGOOD's picture

Let us start to focus on the kids rights and less on the biological parents. Sorry to disapoint you but i am not the cause of his choice not to participate in parenting. You still are attributing his actions and behavior to me. He made choices and he needs to be accountable for them. Sorry. Think this is a reflection of something in ur life u didnt come thru for and need to blame someone else. May we should blame his parents for his distant and disconnectrd behavior. You still keep going at me. The person who is doing the job. So now i am supposed to be responsible for his decisions and behavior. Haaaaaaaa. Wake up! He is an adult male.

This offer by their dad is not about them. It is a clear refusal to listen to the kids needs.

You dont want to support or help me. You want to justify or blame the behavior of either urself or ur spouse. Your comments are self serving.

IAMGOOD's picture


IAMGOOD's picture

Thank you. And i never try to punish him thru denying the kids. I AM the bigger person. I will protect their rights. They are not here to serve his emotional needs. Appreciate ur thoughts

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Honey, cut the crap: you are protecting their rights? Your children's right to stay away from their dad? A father who wants to see his children more is a JERK? Long pause... are you hearing yourself???

Like you, I have two teenagers, 14 and 17, who saw their father for ONE week last summer. He was not interested in having them longer. In my book, he is much closer to being a jerk than your ex. But whatever my issues with my ex, my sons in no way or shape or form need to be influenced by my FEELINGS. I am an adult and know how NOT to act on my feelings. My children have a right to an unencumbered relationship with their dad. Does he express his love for them in a way that i approve of? No! Does it matter in the grand scheme of things? No! Is it my place to regulate their relationship with their dad? No!

You may want to examine your motives... and your boundaries. In my mind you are wildly over-stepping.
I second the opinion expressed above re the obligation that rests with the CP to encourage a relationship with the NCP. Encourage it because it benefits the children. You seem to be in danger of putting your interests above theirs.

IAMGOOD's picture

I am not going to fall into the trap of defending myself anymore.

Done. Your kids dad isn't my kids dad. My kids dad sees them more often and regular according to the agreement we put together without an attorney - with a mediator and together. Your x only sees them one week last summer??? No wonder you want him to step in more.

If you read my original post I was upset because my x suddenly wants them more to SERVE HIMSELF and they kids are clearly saying to him "no dad, we love you but don't want to be this far away MORE".

Some of these posts are just ridiculous. People that want to blame other people for what they didn't do. People that want rights cause they overcame addiction or had a change of heart but the problem is the kids grew up and the kids don't want to spend more time with them now. People that are looking at my situation and comparing it to their own - gee - wish my x was as good as yours.

Give me a break!!!!! All I asked for was to vent that I was upset after all these a point when the kids want more independence and want to spend more time with friends and have that they CAN'T be going off over an hour away MORE than they do. I see this is about HIM once again - his emotions - his wanting them more. Yes...I will ignore as he is going thru something. Problem is we can't be "going thru something" all the time and thereby making it all about ourselves. This is about two kids having support and consistency and someone they can rely on. They don't need any lessons of being forced to go with him at this point. They will enjoy the time they do spend with him. Every other weekend, a vacation this summer, next holiday he has them is Thanksfiving....he has them 4th of July.

Ridiculous personalized responses and so hateful. Well - I gave it back. For those of you who gave me a little room to vent and listened. Thank you for doing that cause that is all I was looking for. For those of you who made it about yourselves and judged and made assumptions. Best of luck! Don't let the door hit you on the way out of my reading anymore of your self serving posts.

Support site??? Nope. Not working that way. I am done being angry but I am fighting back. Some craziness here.....jaded....about them...and not here to give support but are on some crusade to prove everything that went wrong in their lives is my fault of some other BMs.

You have a window in life about "yay big" to be a parent. You bail on that and you LOSE. You can still have that relationship but guess what? It is at the teens convenience now....and at mine as well. Redemption isn't found immediately and when you are ready. It is found over time and with a lot of patience and love. So you just are going to have to wait till other people are ready now.

Yeah - you know - I feel better about my x now after dealing with some of this garbage. He is not so bad. Thank you!!!!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I have to say that as much I love steptalk....I have the suspicion since a while that as soon someone posts from the point of view of a BM that hardly goes well.I blame the fact thatmany SMoms here have had horrible experiences with their husbands ex wifes for years and then simply seem to see red when the word "BM "appears....I can't explain it any other way to me anymore. And this has even happened when they become BM's I noticed- they still react so strong if another BM posts from her point of view.And the word "crazy BM " will be even used for posters with quite reasonable opinions , just because their experiences of their skids BM's are so bad and they can't help but compare and interprete everything specifically as evil or crazy even though it doesn't make sense. Then naturally the poster gets angry , and - here we go- they found "evidence" how crazy and selfish she is. Come on girls, just BM is a BM she can't be blamed for being a caring mother - and even if you case is different- sometimes men can be just as silly , immature and horrible parents as the "horrible BMs in your lifes".

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Do you believe, after reading ALL of the posts by the OP, that her position is "reasonable"?

I honestly don't think that people automatically jump on a BM. I have more posts started with questions as a BM than as a SM and no one has ever "attacked" me or called me a bad mom.

The OPs entire post and subsequent posts is about HER and HER ANGER towards her ex.

JustAgirl42's picture

EeeddddZacccheeerryyy!! (Exactly) :

"Additionally, when some of us start noticing some very familiar behavior, excuses and defensive mechanisms we deal with in our own lives with these GUBMs, it may be called out."

IAMGOOD's picture

Yes. I was attacked horribly from the moment I posted. Absolutely no foundation for the things said.

Let them blame. Let them say "this is about my being angry at dad" "oh - she stopped him from seeing kids". It is not the reality of the situation at all. People that just HATE. Blind hatred for BMs and possibly BFs. Funny how the hate is more toward the BMs and you don't see it toward the BFs as much. Interesting.

Smile I am still smiling My guess is the biggest attackers are off making someone else miserable at work or maybe at the supermarket. Wondering why they are alone cause they lost custody of their kids. Maybe throwing eggs at a few BMs out in the streets. Save a few eggs for Easter.

The serenity prayer works well.

Generic's picture

You cant even post here as a stepdaughter who was interested in hearing the other side. How dare I attempt to understand a SMs point of view.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture just is in no way, shape or form the same.

I have a friend who was a stepdaughter. She thinks she can speak to my stepfamily situation. Being the StepKID and the stepPARENT are two totally different worlds!

Generic's picture

Do you see what just happened? My post was about a stepdaughter attempting to LEARN from a stepmother. But you turned it into the stepdaughter "speaking to" a situation she'll just never understand. Do you see the irony?

luchay's picture

Yep - I'm with you OCTS, posting as a BM NEVER goes down well with some people here, no matter what you say - just being the BM "damns" you.

People like this will twist your words and try to trip you up to make you the "crazy BM" because it justifies their hatred of all things BM....what I don't get is that some of them MUST be BM's as well, whether still with their bio's fathers or not.

Keep on keeping on OP - and honestly - IGNORE the haters.

Calypso1977's picture

i simply asked a few clarifying questions and expressed that i thought i was good that the kids had a job opportunity and extra time with their dad. i get the sense im one of the people OP thinks was "attacking" her.

all that aside, i do think OP is very bitter about her ex's behavior more as a husband than a father - i say this because i believe 3 times +/- she mentioned his affair and moving in with his girlfriend. i know so many BM's who try and block visitation when there is a gf involved, especially one where the gf was the result of an affair.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

As an aside, in the state we live in, it's till graduate high school (for him it's 20) but he still was court ordered to pay for health bennies until they are 25. 18 is 1 year, but CS is 2 1/2 and bennies 7 12. Ugh. Mom and stepdad both work, and squander CS.

IAMGOOD's picture

No. You weren't attacking me. Your response was very one sided.

Actually - the affair was mentioned once. And the breast cancer and moms terminal cancer was more in my thoughts than that.

I never tried to block visitation. I talk to his girlfriend all the time and I like her. The first year after the divorce I used to vent to my GFs about her. Had a few funny names for her. The kids NEVER heard that. They have always heard only nice stuff about dad. Do you remember my mentioning a "mediator" and never needing lawyers. hmmmmm I refinanced twice so they could buy their own house. He walked out of the divorce financially solid. How may divorced dad's can say that? has been HIS choice to be apathetic in the kids lives and not participate - HIS CHOICE and NOW when the kids are older and don't want to spend MORE Time he wants to interrupt their lives. They are TEENS. Not 4, 5, 8 or 10 years old. They are happy with the every other weekend, vacation and shared holiday. Custody has been respected, followed and in place. HE has an emotional need to be filled. THAT was my point and why I was upset. His emotional needs are not priority. Myself nor the kids are not here to take care of him emotionally. Big boy pants need to go on. As someone else posted here - their husband sees that the kids can't be going a long distance away cause they have sports, friends, jobs, etc. where they are. At this age - the teen age -often custody gets less in cases of long distances. Especially if the kids are finding it too difficult. The kids don't want to miss training sessions with their teams - or don't want to miss SATs or the saturday night dance at school. The kids have a right to their lives. I will continue to advocate for their needs. He has always been welcome to drive to them and take them out for dinner or a movie even on non-custody time. But he CHOOSES not to.

My original post did not deserve the responses I got. It was the fact that I entered the post as a BM that got all the step-parents dealing with difficult BMs up in arms.

JustAgirl42's picture

I've wondered the same thing regarding your first paragraph. My FDH has to hold his tongue at practically every skid event because BM can't refrain from spouting off completely irrelevant crap at him.

Although, I DO UNDERSTAND that this may not be the case in OP's position-----**goes cowering off to the corner**.

IAMGOOD's picture


yes. It was all becuz i was so terrible and dramatic he didn't come to musical and strings concerts and parent/teacher conferences. That is it!!! OMG - you got it.

My anger is toward the ridiculous responses.

Oh - and he asked them directly so I wasn't even in the same room. They came to me after and told me dad asked them to spend an additonal mon, tues and weds all summer with him and they told him no "on the spot". So you think if they were considering it they maybe would have come home and said "hey was asking us????? what do you think? Honestly - I work full-time. If they were really on board - I would give it thought. They expressed to me they don't want to be out in "no where" land away from friends all summer. So sorry - dad's idea not working had nothing to do with me making angry nasty faces in the background.

My attitude is normal, healthty and positive with my kids. I am not too emeshed with my kids. I am not sure how much free time you think I have on my hands to be so emeshed? Well then - as another person here implied that I am one of those lazy BMs that collect child support and don't work. Oh yes - nailed me on that one too.

what are you writing? You are angry with the BM you deal with. YOU ARE ANGRY. And I get that side of it. I have a somewhat difficult BM to deal with too. Not all BMs are angry and vendictive.

Generic's picture

It has to be all BMs fault because nobody wants to believe their DH is an asshole.

Dad squandered their childhood. Now that childhood is almost over,Dad is panicked. Now it's too late. You only get one childhood. His procrastination isn't his kids emergency.

JustAgirl42's picture

But Generic, what about some degree of forgiveness for the children's sake? (This can relate to BFs as well as BMs.)

What I get from OP's original post is that she is not trying to keep her kids away from their dad, but is having a hard time coming to terms with his past 'lack of involvement', and being able to move forward from there.

As long as the kids don't base their decision on guilt detected from mom's attitude towards their father, I don't really see any major problem with the situation as it stands right now.

ocs's picture

{{At a ten thousand foot level, OP, your attitude is unhealthy. You are far too enmeshed in your kids...they arent really kids anymore, and can make their own decisions. Be Zen about it. Your ex should have no power to get you angry anymore by this time.}} AMEN

IAMGOOD sounds like my BM to some degree. There is NOTHING wrong with offering a 16yr old a summer job/intern whatever. Give them some responsibility etc.. and treat them in an age appropriate manner. OP may coddle them to some degree and BD is trying to show them a different way. SD14 walks on eggshells around her BM when it comes to us. Won't even tell her mom she had fun with her dad, bc BM gets so batshit about it. This sounds creepily familiar.

I inadvertently met a family member of BM's a few years back. This is someone with whom I had a casual friendly working relationship. She knew I had gotten married and that he had a daughter- i never really use her name- just usually say, 'DH's kid'. A little while after we got married, i happened to mention Skid's name- it is unusual. This coworker/friend was startled and upon further investigation it came to light that she was related to BM. :O

The FIRST thing she said to me was- "OMG... You're the bitch?!?!" The venom that BM spewed to anyone who would listen was laughable. BM is a master spin doctor. This coworker is NOT friendly with BM, for the same reasons I have. LOL.

1. BM calls him a deadbeat- he has paid over 100K in CS and has never been late.

2. Heavy PAS and he became the absentee father because BM wouldnt let the kids see him

3. told the family he was a drugee and derelict.... ummm- high level management in a BIG company

4. told the family I was unfit to be around children

I can go on and on. My point is that you can spin your position any way you want. The focus of your vent is how he mistreated you. You are too enmeshed in your children. Google it. Very unhealthy for them and creayes anxiety bc all they want to do is make you happy, and anxiety to manage your feelings takes over. Don't do that to them.

JustAgirl42's picture

OP, sometimes when I read the ladies opinions on this site I think to myself, "Okay, I never really thought of it that way."

You may be coming across as being filled with so much negativity towards BF because of your defensiveness and inability to consider others' feedback.

QueenBeau's picture

amen to that. Everything that isn't a 'high five' is met with a ranting attack. I know there are people reading this hesitant to comment on this post because of how crazy OP sounds.

OP is sitting there like "EVERYONE KEEPS ATTACKING ME" meanwhile ignoring the fact that from the very first comment she left she attacked everyone on the board.

So over the top with the whole "I'M LEAVING & NOT COMING BACK" ... yet here you are.

QueenBeau's picture

Sad thing is I"m sure that attitude kept a lot of others with helpful advice from responding.

Ain't nobody tryna hear that shit. LOL

Attitudes like that are the same reason I blocked BM from texting/calling.

If we don't agree, that doesn't mean I hate you or think you're a bad mom or anything. It means given the info you gave, I don't agree. No need for you to say that I don't know anything, or keep repeating "MY SITUATION IS NOT YOURS. YOU ARE JUST ANGRY." I am not angry.. I just don't agree. -shrugs-

IAMGOOD's picture

ha ha ha ha

"BS" it is a guilty conscious. Now that is even more ridiculous than some of the other posts. OMG!!!! The defense mode was defending myself against the mob here.

Wow - ok - now it is time to retire from here and set up a BM site.

IAMGOOD's picture

There is a point here to be made. I came back to fight back. I dismissed myself too early. BMs ARE attacked here. Perhaps instead of the word attack we should call is "assumtions, judgements and always applying ones own bad experiences in defining who I am"

Nonetheless, the inital responses were not designed to assist someone who came here to vent. If people don't want to see that - point of view - as a poster - then there is nothing I can do about that.

QueenBeau's picture

You came back to fight a few posters & ended up letting that anger run to any & everyone who replied not agreeing with you. & then gave the defense that you can be the way you are because your exH cheated on you with his current g/f or whatever.

You painted yourself as a crazy person by responding so defensively to EVERYONE and posting about your exH's failures as a husband on a blog about your children.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Good grief. I don't mean in general. I could give two hoots who my kids' dad dates...I am talking in response to what OP has posted ranting about his "whore" of a girlfriend...

But NOW she "likes" her.

OP is nutty and it's not because she's a BM...

IAMGOOD's picture

Yes Scubed. That is true. And I do like her. She is actually a little strict with my kids when they are with them so it makes my job easier. Not harsh - but just has rules.
Sad they got divorced. I don't want to see my x get divorced cause that would be sad. The kids want mom and dad to be happy in their new lives. That is all.

Things are good - just fine - a little excitement - but all good.

zerostepdrama's picture

I will agree that often there is an assumptions of BMs on this board. I do have to agree with that, in my own experience. BUT when I post as a BM I make sure I am clear about why I am doing what I am doing, etc. If people want to disagree with me, I hope they disagree because of what I am saying/doing not just because I am a BM and they have to deal with a shitty BM so they take it out on me. If so, that is their problem. They are the ones who look pathetic.

Just because you are a BM and SM doesn't mean that you are good person. Doesn't mean that you are bad person.

Just because you are a BM doesn't mean you are a bad person. I know plenty of awesome BMs! IRL and on this board.

Just because you are SM doesn't mean you are a good person. I know plenty SMs that are not good people- IRL and on this board.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

lol, yes, I agree.And I still can't help thinking that some people judge based on these terms.And let's add:Just because you have an ex husband (which makes you the BM, oh dear) it doesn't mean that he is such a great guy and father.There are idiots and assholes out there, dads, mums or smoms.Just the declaration what they are doesn't tell us who they are.

JustAgirl42's picture

I'm sorry, but I am beginning to think that you may have actually posted here looking for a fight.

Like you said, knowing this is a place where stepparents vent, you could have gone to some kind of 'BM' site.

zerostepdrama's picture


My dad was this way. It was too much when we were younger. My mom did it all. I mean ALL of it. I only remember having a "good" relationship when he was with a woman who had kids, so we were all "forced" to do family stuff. But when he was single he was hardly around. * I do want to note that my mom was not high conflict AT ALL, she is the perfect BM. Truly 100%. My dad was just an alcoholic who cared more about what he wanted then actually being there for his kids. (I feel bad even saying that as I love my dad)

Once we became teenagers, it was easier for my dad to relate to us. To find things in common. For us to hang together. As I grew as an adult our relationship became closer.

IAMGOOD's picture

Thank you zero.

Appreciate your comments. I had to go back and read quickly the people that had nice comments to me. The few that said lousy stuff whether they meant to or not - were overshadowing the good stuff.

My kids love their dad too. I think they will have a good relationship with them the rest of their lives. I had cancer before the divorce but it made me think. If something happens to me - they need to have a relationship with their dad too. I made sure this stayed in place because I don't want them alone. People here don't know that part of story. I started to spout off about it - but then I became viewed as someone that was just pissed off at dad still and that apparently is driving everything in my life.

JustAgirl42's picture

I had/have the same relationship as you with my dad.

Actually, the whole situation that the OP is presenting is very similar to what mine was, except I was the kid.

Yes, OP sounds like a great mom but it also sounds as though there may be a lot of residual anger there.

I do hope she leaves the decision in her kids' hands, in case they should change their minds and want to go stay with dad.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

This is a great comment. Sems to me that this dad really wants the easy way, but as you say, maybe there is a good in everything.

zerostepdrama's picture

OP- Nothing wrong with your Ex asking for more time with the skids as long as he has good intentions and doesn't have some awful ulterior motivation for it.

He is asking to spend more time with his kids. Not sure why its such a big deal. Can't bitch that he isnt there enough (for what YOU consider important) and then be mad that he wants more time. Even if you dont agree on how it's going to be spent (he's working, wants to take 16 yr old to work with him). Can't have it both ways.

The best thing you can do as a mother is allow your kids to have a relationship with their dad if they want it.

The kids are already seeing him EOW, so its not like he's a stranger to them or they are going somewhere that they are unfamiliar with.

And it sounds like he SUGGESTED it. He didnt send you court papers demanding it or send the police to came and take the kids away. He just SUGGESTED it/ASKED you.

IAMGOOD's picture

Best of luck to everyone here. I poked back. Tired of watching people here get poked so much and attacked when they come here looking for SUPPORT. Support doesn't mean always giving opinions and telling people what they "think" did right or wrong. Some of the post were passive aggressive attacks - more like - oh - well "you are upset clearly - but I am not going to try to understand why - I am going to tell you that you are a bad BM - you are keeping kids from dad - and what's wrong with him taking them - and you have not cut the cord" So many judgements and assumptions and application of personal experiences to my sitaution knowing so little about it.

Never as a step mom - but clearly as a BM I FELT the responses were negative and unsupportive from the beginning. Some clearly said some nice things and thank you so much.

I do feel for people in bad divorce situations where a parent uses their hatred towards an ex spouse as a weapon. This does a number on the kids. Kids are a reflection of their parents and if my son is told bad things about dad, then it will hurt him. I am sorry for the pain all of you have had to deal with in losing close connection with your kids because you feel another adult responsible for that. Emotions run high.

Take care & I apologize for anything anyone is upset at. Not sure I will get the same apology back for how I felt and things said about me without knowing me. A defensive response happens when someone enters a web site looking for support and they don't get it. An angry response happens when that same person decides to fight back. It is that simple.

IAMGOOD's picture

LOL I agree about the not responding. But I did and then just went on a roll. The original design is I was just looking for somewhere to vent about how much I hold in and how much I "do the right thing" but just have to vent.
That was all.

Oh well Yes - TMI

IAMGOOD's picture

That honestly wasn't the original intent Sad

I guess it did end up that way a bit. I pushed some buttons and responded as I did for a reason.

As I realized that I have seen other BMs get attacked here and forgot I was one too.

Actually - my anger is at "people's" responses and lack of compassion and support and I think as a support site let's be gentle and kind.

Sure - I am still a little angry at dad. But I went to the gym and kick boxed or took a walk with a girlfriend to vent. But bottom line is I was never any of the things people tried to say I am or was throughout the divorce. I am intelligent enough and mature enough to see what traps people can fall into. Not that this makes me I have two master's degrees....worked in school for troubled kids.....and I also am quite spiritual. Well throw the spiritual out the window on this post. LOL

If I did upset anyone I am sorry. But it is sad that not one person here is willing to apologize. Arguing their own points and defending their own situations is what they are about.

This is a site for venting and support. I actually wasn't looking for an answer - the kids already decided the answer. My son is looking forward to being camp counselor this summer. My daughter excited about potential job where she volunteered last year. In process. She has a boyfriend who is good kid. She runs with her friends almost daily. My son has neighbor kid over and hangs with friends. The kids just want to do these things and feel like part of a commmunity and not detached and thrown over to some place they sit and do nothing at. They get lonely over there. That is why the every other weekend is a win win. They love their dad. They do fun things with him. But still can retain their life here. Why that is so hard to "get" for some people is beyond me. My past issues with him are in the past. They heal on MY TIME and not by using my kids as ears or feeding them negativity. This is an adult site - so I came here seeking adult anonymous conversation that would help. The same people are still jamming their ideas onto me - over and over like a sledge hammer. I listen to other people's points of view when I am seeking them. I wasn't looking for them and yes, I should have ignored them, but something told me to bring it on.

Peace!!!! I hope everyone's lives are good and get better.

IAMGOOD's picture

Yes (((ripleyv2))

That is it. I just wanted to vent. I am doing the right things. I feel it and know it. It shows in the kids.

Smile good luck

oncechoosetosmile's picture

absolutely. I am admitting having funny feelings about it, too. And I acually don't think it is crazy but more than normal.However I found it helpful to be on ST and learning about the perspective of being a (former) stepmum to deal with my ex new gf.For example I back her up if my kids complain about her being too strict etc.And also I am very nice and respectfula dn appreciating towards her knowing how hard her role is.As being said- Blended families and divorced families bring a load of difficulties with them.I think frusstration and anger are totally normal.I am angry towards ex that he always goes the easy way and is selfish to the moon, but , hey if he does one thing for the kids, they believe he is the best parent in the world.It simply sucks, especially if I am there for them for years and years and one time there is something I can't do for them, the kids are not as understanding about it as they should.

JustAgirl42's picture


Please understand that many of these ladies put a lot of time and effort into sharing their own life experiences. I honestly do not believe that they do this just to start controversy...(well, maybe one or two do). Some of them are social workers, nurses, teachers, police officers, etc. These are professions that serve and help others...they care about people.

There is much to be said about opening your heart to virtual strangers in an effort to perhaps bring a different perspective to light. There is also much to be said about those who can open their heart and be willing to receive these shared experiences.

Everyone judges, it's difficult not to when people experience things differently. I may judge the person giving the speech at the conference because I'd like to compare his/her delivery to the way that I would give it, and determine if there may be something I'd like to do differently.

I do recall a few of the ladies apologizing for having offended you. You absolutely did nothing wrong in coming here to vent, that's what the site is for, obviously, but I can't imagine that you didn't realize you might get some replies that could be different from what you wanted to hear.

No one said you were a bad person, in fact many called you a good mother. It's just hard to ignore your anger and not try to offer a different perspective. Some of us have many different perspectives, whether fortunate or unfortunate!

Well shit, now I'm gonna be late.

IAMGOOD's picture

Sounds like leaving on a good note isn't good enough for some.
Actually I really like strings beans - and so do the kids and so do their dad.
You want to believe as you wish and I can't change that. This reminds me of when a movie star or public figure says something people misunderstand and then they get targeted and become really unpopular - almost a villian.

IAMGOOD's picture

My x and I e-mailed each other back and forth today. Alienate? HUH?

Hmmmm.....I am a road block to my x being a father, an alienator, a hater, a loather, apparently snarl and make faces in front of my kids when speaking of their dad, perhaps even wear devils horns and make up stories that dad was part of a satanic cult in the early days. OMG - and we never loved each other. I had to hide all the pictures of us skiing together and going on vacations just to prove to the kids I never loved the guy. Perhaps I even made up that we never had sex. That I artificially inseminated myself just so I wouldn't have to touch him.

I missed all that. I didn't realize you were in on my conversations with the kids all these years.

Well I guess I am a different person than I thought I was????

Glad you know me so well.


Calypso1977's picture

children are very perceptive. they can tell when you dislike or hate someone even if you never say those words.

my SD13 knows her mother hates me even tho BM has never said it to her (so SD says, anyway). She also knows her parents hate each other and it has caused many problems with SD being put in the middle and being forced to choose. the kids kknow if they pick dad then mom isnt happy.

my BM all along has been an advocate for the child having a choice (judges ruled differently) but i guarantee you if SD was lobbying to be wtih her dad instead of her, BM would cease to support the child having a choice. she's made it clear that she thinks SD can have a choice in things, but only if its the "right" choice.

not saying that's whats going on with you, but im trying to explain the perception aspect. im sure you dont say you hate the kids father. but i guarantee you they know you do. often times they innocently overhear conversations where they can pick up on hatred. its a tough thing to mask.

IAMGOOD's picture

Nope wrong
They know I don't hate him. They see it when I talk to him.....we sit at games together.....etc.

ocs's picture

dead on.

Our judge recently said as much.

BM has always been this advocate of, "let SD decide" when she wants to visit her dad. In the court papers it said SD could decide, then BM would have to approve. Judge spanked her and said she couldn't have it both ways.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

This has been an interesting thread.Iamgood, I am proud of you that you didn't run away but sticked with it.Your perspective is as valid as anyone elses here.I hope you got some support.And lets not forget, some of the critical posters don't necessary intend to be mean or unfair, but maybe feel a bit too strong or careful about their own situation which sometimes means years of pain and suffering with their skids and BM. Try to see some good intentions in some of their posts, too, if you can.As I said, I totally get your anger, since my ex was such a clown for years.However, you may be able to see some positives about him trying to spend some more time with them- maybe you get a break here and there .Don't forget that he will not replace you in any way and that the kids have a solid and good foundation in life being a little older now.What I mean is, if he disappoints them they will cope with it ok since they still have one reliable, loving parent.Or , best case scenarion, he doesn't and they can appreciate the rs with him - although I believe it will be more like a friendship and the kids will always see you as the reliable, present parent in their lives.

IAMGOOD's picture

Thank you. It would have been easy to just walk away from this and i almost did but felt i needed to speak up. Appreciate ur kindly put words