Got One For You
DH and I dated six years; we met on a personals website. I figured it was no different than meeting someone in person, for you still have to go through learning all about them be it online or in person. So! We dated for six years. I was not formally introduced to his son, but met him when DH asked me to house sit, and there he was. I personally thought we should've been formally introduced, but it did not happen that way. DH was out of town and wanted me to house sit because he knew ss, a teen at that time, would be partying hearty with his pals while daddy was away, and with staying me there, his activities were curtailed to the shed and not the house which DH feared he might wreck from end to end if not burn down. That evening they DID party hearty in the shed and did indeed get knee crawling, slip sliding, commode hugging drunk and stoned to the bone. So I met ss, and it seemed we got on just fine, he didn't start being rude till DH and I got married.
Regarding getting married. It was most curious. I had just got laid off from my job as a government contractor, after we had been dating for six years and having a most wonderful time together. He'd told me in the past that he never wanted to get married, and I believed him. He had fellow living with him that he'd known since they were kids, whom he'd gotten a job and ss who was in high school at the time we began dating lived there too in a rather small house.
Imagine my shock and disbelief when he "announced, not proposed" one fine day, six years later,that he "thought" we should get married because, I would have benefits, because he didn't want me to move back to my home state, because this and because of that. Well, I said to him if you aren't asking me because you love me then the answer is no. He assured me he did love me. I was somewhat disappointed the way this "announcement" transpired, and that it was not a romantic proposal, nor did he present me with an engagement ring.(And he most certainly could afford it being a retired military man with many years of service under is belt) Additionally, I asked him, what does your son say about this idea, he said ss thought it was a good idea, as he is soon to be going to college. Nothing was said about his roommate,childhood chum moving out. So, shocked as I was, and after hearding he did indeed love me, I agreed.
He started saying if I move in this after we are married, and if I move in that after we got married.Well, we got married, I am still living in my hated apartment. Obviously there was no room for me. as his childhood chum and beloved golden holy one occupied most available rooms. Why did he want to marry me? To take me out and play with me, the put me back in the box and return to his nice ordered life with his friend and son?! After a week or so of going home after the new went off I said to him: You live in the big house and I live in the dog house, so tell me DH, did you make your other 3 wives you were married to live in an apartment and you live in your nice comfortable home? Well, that was the last night I was in that hated apartment, I moved in. And that is when sonny boy started seeing non-existant spots on his face, crying, having fits, putting his fist through the closet and bedroom walls upstairs in the frog. I sincerely think it was because I moved in and he had to now share me with daddy. I sometimes wonder after all this crap if I had not been between the rock and a hard place would I have actually moved in instead of moving on. I know many of you will think I'm crazy, and I don't blame you if you do, but in spite of it all he was good to me and I love him. But I hate being sidelined and treated like a second class citizen, and that was just the beginning of a taste of things to come.
Your thoughts?
... and mine! I got out- I
... and mine! I got out- I suggest you do the same. He may say he loves you but he's just using you.
Sounds to me like you are not his wife,
but his female pal. One who he really didn't expect to move in and live with him. I know you said you dated for six years and had a great time, but all the while he had his "friend" and son living with him in his house.
To be honest, I find it very odd that a man would continue to have a male "friend" live with him and not ask him to move out as soon as possible after he takes on a (female) lover. What man wants another man in the house with him like that?? Plus, your DH seemed perfectly content to have you, his WIFE, live elsewhere. His son is one thing, but having his pal continue to live there is very strange.
Plus, it seems you are his fourth wife - is that correct? Obviously, there is something wrong here. Is it possible that your DH may be a closeted gay (or bi) man? Remember, until just recently it was illegal for military members to be homosexual and they could be court-martialed for it and lose their careers. Many of them had to live "cover" lives in order to continue with their careers, which included getting married and having children.
His practical but not romantic proposal is odd as well. Almost as though he saw marriage as a balance-sheet proposal - that you would get benefits, etc. But maybe it's because he would also be able to maintain a cover, even if he was no longer in the military. (Is he a gov't contractor, too?)
I hate to tell you that I think your DH views your marriage as one of convenience, not a love match based on passion and feelings. To answer your own question, I think it is indeed a case of "To take me out and play with me, the put me back in the box and return to his nice ordered life with his friend and son."
Only your DH knows the real answer as to why he thinks treating his wife this way is OK.
I Have My Suspicions
Dear 2Tired4Drama,
I do have my suspicions about him being something other than what he appears to be. I guess I have decided to take things as they are as I cannot afford to live alone, and have any sort of quality life. He is very good to me, he takes good care of me so have forgiven him as much as I can, (I caught him online last February, and called him out on it, he swears he will never stray again, but I don't trust him and never will. I photographed the damming evidence and will continue to do so should I ever catch him again, THEN we will see what the judge has to say about that - and I do check up on him periodically). There is no perfect man, and I think they all stray eventually kids or no kids.Its just a matter of what one is willing to put up with. Things could be a lot worse, and on the other hand they really ought to be a whole lot better, but you get what you get. His health has suddenly taken a turn, and I am here for him, despite his actions.
What you wrote is absolutely correct, and I am sad that I don't mean much of anything other than a cover up and a cover story for him, I really do deserve better. I daresay his coddled son does not know of daddys penchant for other men.
DH actually presented me with a beautiful ring AND a romantic proposal four years later at a wonderful restaurant on the coast. He was in the actual military for over 20 years, I on the other hand have been a government contractor in the past.
Such is life.
I don't think every man will
I don't think every man will stray. I do think it's a decision you have to make for yourself on what you will and will not take. Personally, I'd never accept straying or cheating, neither will DH. If it ever happened that would be the end of it. I like to believe, even though no one is perfect, there are loyal people out there, and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less than that.
You got this
I know you'll decide what's best for you!
No, not every man will stray just as not every woman will stray.
The ones that do... have no character, honor or self respect and who wants to have anything to do with anyone like that?
If your husband is attracted to men
then you really don't have a marriage, do you? You have a practical arrangement and he has made it abundantly clear it doesn't include the two of you REALLY living like a married couple in any way, shape or form. That's why he had no problems with you staying at your own apartment for so long. He may toss you a kind "romantic" word or gesture now or then but there is nothing behind it other than keeping you pacified so he can continue to live the life he has. He will not change. Ever.
As long as this is an arrangement you are willing to accept, for financial or other reasons, then there truly isn't any advice or suggestions anyone can give you that will help you deal with your unhappiness and emptiness. The emptiness won't go away until you find someone who is with you because they truly love you, as a woman, and not as a human shield for their own lifestyle cowardice. If your DH had any integrity, he would pursue his lifestyle openly and let you go. Then you could move on with your life and find a man who suits you better. But you won't find him while you are married and in this hopeless situation.
In the meantime, let me ask you this question: How much is your life worth?
Really ... think about it. How much is your life worth??
If someone was holding a gun to your head and wanted everything you own, you'd probably give it up wouldn't you?
So why have you sold yourself so cheaply for such a sad union with a man who has no courage or character and will never be capable of giving you true love?