Is it good that your so no longer fights with their ex and now they are good friends? So good she will invite him into our home to play video games with his kids and bring dinner when I’m not there?
If it is only when you are not there then you have problems. Either there is something going on or she doesn't trust you to be mature enough to deal with it. If it is also sometimes when you are there and all of you can hang out as people who moved on in life and are simply joined by mutual children, then I would say that you hit the jackpot of a peaceful life without the boatload of crazy the rest of us deal with. It all depends on whether it is open and above board or if there are secrets and sexual subtexts.
Boundaries. Many times, people will jump through hoops to "keep things nice with the ex", but many times this will violate the boundaries that the person's spouse has. Plus it almost always backfires on the spouse who has to deal with this violation.
That sucks when they dont create and enforce boundaries.
Our BM - Toxic Troll used to text DH what he calls "zingers" - texts late at night after she had been drinking - that were sexually suggestive. She also liked to tell him about her sex life, because you know, she has it so much better now with random hookups. And she even asked him to hang a mirror in her dirty disgusting apartment, and measure this dirty disgusting apartment for furnishings she wanted to purchase.
BOUNDARIES are very important and one of the reasons that I am here - because they are so often violated by the ex, and so often not enforced by the SO/Spouse.
Please put a stop to this, immediately. When you do - also know that you will most certainly become the "bad guy" who is "causing difficulties for no reason other than you are jealous". Yeah, so what.
... is not healthy. You've been feeling it, watching it, posting about it and likely feeling a bit helpless. You seem to be the third wheel in their relationship. Just my thoughts.
I am decent friends with my Ex-DH, the father of my son. We're friendly. We ask after each other's parents. We chat a bit on the phone or when we see each other. He does not come into my home. We do not go out to eat together. In an emergency, we would likely help each other out. We have decent boundaries.
ETA: my SO is comfortable with the level of interaction. They chat also when dumped together & are "friendly." I do touchbase with SO periodically to make certain that I'm not making him uncomfortable. For instance, Ex-DH loaned us his truck & helped us move FIL out of his apartment. Neighborly.
No it isn't good. If your SO were single and had her own home... fine. But, she is inviting her X into YOUR home. That is disrespectful at best and indicitive of manipulative crap or even idiocy on her part regardless.
I would never invite my XW into my bride's home. Neither would she invite the SpermIdiot or any member of the SpermClan into MY home. That we share that home is irrelevent to this truth.
Nope, that should't happen without not only your express concent but also should never even be mentioned. If it is your idea, great. If not, SO needs to STFU and keep her history from polluting your home.
My BFF's ex DH left her with a 5 year old and a 6 month old baby to marry the woman was having an affair with. They have remained friends now for 35 years. They often talk on the phone for an hour or so - several times a week. Oh and yes she has still had sex with him off and on for decades. She's never had so much as another BF since the divorce. She's now old and forced to live with a sister she doesn't particularly get along with and in poor health. Such a waste.
I would say that is crossing boundaries. We are ‘friends’ with my ex and his wife... but he would not be coming in my home playing video games (weird),
Let me guess.... if you bring it up you are controlling or jealous?!
Meaning I'm polite and we coparent for the rest interest of the kids. We can do joint birthday parties. We can sit near each other at school plays. But no. No I don't invite him inside to play video games. NOPE. Nor do I go over to their house to play video games. And we live on the same street.
I co parent well with my ex. His wife and I communicate regularly about all kinds of things- kid related and not. My ex and I only talk about the kids when we talk. My husband is also friendly with both of them. We do family dinners from time to time for special occasions (all 4 of us as parents to the 2 kids). When we do pickups and drop offs we come into each other’s homes, sometimes the kids will want to show us something in a bedroom in the others house and we are invited to go see the new picture or whatever. When a hurricane was headed right towards us this summer we were invited to their house (3 hours north of us) to stay for the storm with my SS too. We did not take them up on it, but they offered.
All of that being said, I would never invite my exH over to hang out with our kids without my husband home. I would never even consider it. That is crossing major boundaries and if she can't see that you really need to move on. You are seriously struggling with their relationship and I honestly think there are more than video games being played here... You don't HAVE to stay in this relationship!!
BEST advice I EVER got and my ex and I have stuck to it like glue was from the judge who pronounced us divorced! He said "I don't want to see you back here, please be reasonable adults and work things out, you are now officially in the business of raising kids together, keep it professional as you would a business relationship" We don't get together and hangout and chat and be social. We make professional decsions and have business like discussions about the children nothing more. There is boundry issues in what your describing here that have NOTHING to do with keep the Ex happy to keep the peace, and everything to do with ruining future relationships and making a territory mark of who ranks over you in your relationship.
Even if it’s perfectly innocent, it bothers you and that’s enough. Your feelings are completely valid, should be expected, and normal. What would be abnormal is if you said “no problem honey!”
It’s possible she has zero clue on what a new spouse/step parent goes thru. Or how to transition to a place that’s healthy for all. Actually... most people don’t know and how can they? Most people are driven to self help by bad experiences, not research before a 2nd marriage.
If it is only
If it is only when you are not there then you have problems. Either there is something going on or she doesn't trust you to be mature enough to deal with it. If it is also sometimes when you are there and all of you can hang out as people who moved on in life and are simply joined by mutual children, then I would say that you hit the jackpot of a peaceful life without the boatload of crazy the rest of us deal with. It all depends on whether it is open and above board or if there are secrets and sexual subtexts.
no
Boundaries. Many times, people will jump through hoops to "keep things nice with the ex", but many times this will violate the boundaries that the person's spouse has. Plus it almost always backfires on the spouse who has to deal with this violation.
That sucks when they dont create and enforce boundaries.
Our BM - Toxic Troll used to text DH what he calls "zingers" - texts late at night after she had been drinking - that were sexually suggestive. She also liked to tell him about her sex life, because you know, she has it so much better now with random hookups. And she even asked him to hang a mirror in her dirty disgusting apartment, and measure this dirty disgusting apartment for furnishings she wanted to purchase.
BOUNDARIES are very important and one of the reasons that I am here - because they are so often violated by the ex, and so often not enforced by the SO/Spouse.
Please put a stop to this, immediately. When you do - also know that you will most certainly become the "bad guy" who is "causing difficulties for no reason other than you are jealous". Yeah, so what.
BOUNDARIES.
You know that what is going on with DW & her EX ...
... is not healthy. You've been feeling it, watching it, posting about it and likely feeling a bit helpless. You seem to be the third wheel in their relationship. Just my thoughts.
That being said ...
I am decent friends with my Ex-DH, the father of my son. We're friendly. We ask after each other's parents. We chat a bit on the phone or when we see each other. He does not come into my home. We do not go out to eat together. In an emergency, we would likely help each other out. We have decent boundaries.
ETA: my SO is comfortable with the level of interaction. They chat also when dumped together & are "friendly." I do touchbase with SO periodically to make certain that I'm not making him uncomfortable. For instance, Ex-DH loaned us his truck & helped us move FIL out of his apartment. Neighborly.
No, it isn't good. If your SO
No it isn't good. If your SO were single and had her own home... fine. But, she is inviting her X into YOUR home. That is disrespectful at best and indicitive of manipulative crap or even idiocy on her part regardless.
I would never invite my XW into my bride's home. Neither would she invite the SpermIdiot or any member of the SpermClan into MY home. That we share that home is irrelevent to this truth.
Nope, that should't happen without not only your express concent but also should never even be mentioned. If it is your idea, great. If not, SO needs to STFU and keep her history from polluting your home.
IMHO of course.
My BFF's ex DH left her with
My BFF's ex DH left her with a 5 year old and a 6 month old baby to marry the woman was having an affair with. They have remained friends now for 35 years. They often talk on the phone for an hour or so - several times a week. Oh and yes she has still had sex with him off and on for decades. She's never had so much as another BF since the divorce. She's now old and forced to live with a sister she doesn't particularly get along with and in poor health. Such a waste.
She wasted her life. Sad.
She wasted her life. Sad.
I would say that is crossing
I would say that is crossing boundaries. We are ‘friends’ with my ex and his wife... but he would not be coming in my home playing video games (weird),
Let me guess.... if you bring it up you are controlling or jealous?!
I'm too "friendly" with my ex husband and his wife
Meaning I'm polite and we coparent for the rest interest of the kids. We can do joint birthday parties. We can sit near each other at school plays. But no. No I don't invite him inside to play video games. NOPE. Nor do I go over to their house to play video games. And we live on the same street.
Sounds like you're diggin'
Sounds like you're diggin' the trench and he's layin' the pipe.
I co parent well with my ex.
I co parent well with my ex. His wife and I communicate regularly about all kinds of things- kid related and not. My ex and I only talk about the kids when we talk. My husband is also friendly with both of them. We do family dinners from time to time for special occasions (all 4 of us as parents to the 2 kids). When we do pickups and drop offs we come into each other’s homes, sometimes the kids will want to show us something in a bedroom in the others house and we are invited to go see the new picture or whatever. When a hurricane was headed right towards us this summer we were invited to their house (3 hours north of us) to stay for the storm with my SS too. We did not take them up on it, but they offered.
All of that being said, I would never invite my exH over to hang out with our kids without my husband home. I would never even consider it. That is crossing major boundaries and if she can't see that you really need to move on. You are seriously struggling with their relationship and I honestly think there are more than video games being played here... You don't HAVE to stay in this relationship!!
In the business of raising kids
BEST advice I EVER got and my ex and I have stuck to it like glue was from the judge who pronounced us divorced!
He said "I don't want to see you back here, please be reasonable adults and work things out, you are now officially in the business of raising kids together, keep it professional as you would a business relationship"
We don't get together and hangout and chat and be social. We make professional decsions and have business like discussions about the children nothing more.
There is boundry issues in what your describing here that have NOTHING to do with keep the Ex happy to keep the peace, and everything to do with ruining future relationships and making a territory mark of who ranks over you in your relationship.
Even if it’s perfectly
Even if it’s perfectly innocent, it bothers you and that’s enough. Your feelings are completely valid, should be expected, and normal. What would be abnormal is if you said “no problem honey!”
It’s possible she has zero clue on what a new spouse/step parent goes thru. Or how to transition to a place that’s healthy for all. Actually... most people don’t know and how can they? Most people are driven to self help by bad experiences, not research before a 2nd marriage.