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TO GO OR NOT TO GO

Totheend12345's picture

So we have tickets for an event this Friday, its two and half hours away and starts at 6PM.  We have tickets to DH, SD and me, BM has known about this for well over a month. Yesterday we get a text from SD about what time we needed to get her Friday, I told her around 12 (we are going to eat and alittle shopping before plus when I say 12 step daughter will be ready around 2). SD informs me BM needs to her to baby sit so we can not pick her up until after 5 when BM gets home. 

 

UMMM NO! We have had this planned out for a month BM knew now all the sudden its a problem. I paid for the event tickets they are were no cheap.   DH said its going to end up we will go to pick up SD at orignal planned early time the little sister will be there and there is nothing we can do. 

 

Do we

A Miss the event since BM wont let us have SD (and try to sell tickets and make some of the money back)

or

B go with out SD and just say sorry.

 

I want to to do B but DH said it will hurt SD feelings, BM is doing this out of pure spite at this point. 

momjeans's picture

Option B, because...

1) You gave BM plenty of heads-up regarding this event. The burden of explaining to SD why she cannot go is entirely on her - not your DH or you. If push comes to shove and your DH feels compelled to explain the unfortunate situation, he does it in a manner where he tactically shifts guilt off of himself and places the blame directly on BM. SD needs to be upset with BM, not DH. 

2) Why should you and DH miss this event (now)? No, you go ahead with your well planned out plans and go. Can you not just sell that individual ticket? If so, do that. 

STaround's picture

I would go, but DH should also call BM.  I dont like it when kids are drafted into sitting.  Of course, if parents need older kid to watch younger ones so they can work, I am sympathetic (but older kids need to be given priviledges, etc. to compensate) or for short times.    This is abusive, it is not fair to expect the SD to handle this by herself against an adult, DH needs to call BM and tell her no

 

 

ETA -- is this dad's time?  Would still go, but if mom's time, not much you can do

Totheend12345's picture

it is out time. BM makes SD baby sit Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday every week because she doesn't want to pay a baby sitter. ANd on the weekends when she wants to go out. BM over does it

SteppedOut's picture

This is bullshit, IMHO.

I can see asking an older child to help out with babysitting occasionally, if absolutely necessary, but not as a norm. Certainly not as frequently as your sd is watching her half sibling. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

I've never figured out why parents do this sort of thing, either.  It's not fair to either child.  My mom expected my older sister (9 years older) to take care of me probably more often than she should have.  She didn't expect my sister to miss out on doing things in her life, though.  First time she went off to band camp, however, I cried the entire two weeks she was gone.  I hung a "picture" over her bed I had drawn of me crying.  The tears went on for 3 pages.  Yeah, that's what my sister had to come home to.

GrabitAndGo's picture

If it's an event SD really wants to go to, I might reach out to BM and remind her she's known about this for a while, and she needs to make other arrangements for a sitter.  If SD is meh about the event, I wouldn't bother.  Either way, I wouldn't miss the event.  If you go and SD gets her feelings hurt, put it back on BM.  Let her know straight up BM was the one who threw the monkey wrench in the plans, and she wouldn't budge.  

Thisisnotus's picture

if OP's BM situation is high conflict....I don't know if that works well. With my BM situation....high conflict....if DH reached out to BM about this situation....BM would freak out on him saying it's his fault he left her and if he didn't leave her then this wouldn't be happening and boohooo whoa is me.....talking about everyting exept the situation at hand.

Thisisnotus's picture

gotcha! Biggrin

momjeans's picture

BM is doing this out of pure spite at this point.

And this is why your DH should absolutely refrain from engaging with BM in regards to it. It would only be poking the beehive, and that’s what BM wants. 

Let the burden of explaining the situation to SD and trying to mend her hurt feelings rest solely on the shoulders of where it belongs - BM.

Your DH *can* have a constructive and truthful conversation with SD, though. It can be something along the lines of “Hey SD, it’s unfortunate you’re not going to be able to make the event with us, because in order for us to make the event we have to leave point A to make it to point B at a certain time. Your mom has informed me that won’t work for her schedule, as she has informed me she needs you to babysit.”

Harry's picture

If BM doesn’t get a babysitter, Then go without her.  No reason for having BM screw up your fun 

Thisisnotus's picture

hell yes you go. I live this same life. 100 percent GO!

If it's anything like my life.....DH and I would leave at noon as you planned WITHOUT SD and at about 12:30....SD and/or BM will call/text saying OH WAIT SD can go now.....or they may even call at 11:45 as we are preparing to leave and have already adjusted our plans.

Tell SD now that you are going without her....give her time to tell BM that you are going without her and see what happens, but definitely plan on going with or without her.

flmomma08's picture

I would definitely still go. BM had plenty of notice and should have found another babysitter.

futurobrillante99's picture

Personally, I would plan to go without SD if BM won't pay for a babysitter. Let SD be mad at BM for being so cheap.

And if your husband won't go without SD, let him know you have a friend lined up to go with you if he won't. Simple.

In no way shape or form should you miss out.

Totheend12345's picture

We talked we are gonna go either way. I honestly feel bad for SD being stuck in the middle because she really does want to go. BM told her if we cared we would wait, We told SD if we wait then it will be over. 

 

Of course its going to be our fault

shamds's picture

she tries to play “well if you cared about our daughter you would wait”.... “ummm no bio mum, if you cared you wouldn’t selfishly last minute put our daughter in the middle for your selfishness and out of spite”

no doubt the ex is hoping you cancel your plans which further emphasises she still controls your hubby abd can manipulate him at her every whim.

this was really hard for my hubby to let go. I asked him how happy  he was having to constantly run his life around adult skids with no consideration of him and expect he drop everything at their every whim but have no respect. He wasn’t happy and knew it wasn’t a healthy way to live. These kids and exwives need to learn life still goes on if you’re being a manipulative arsehole

no doubt if hubby put his foot down and says tough we are picking daughter up at noon and arrives at the home bio mum is out not answering calls and sd is babysitting her little sister and op and her man can’t take sd and leave the little sister alone at home 

ndc's picture

A child who is old enough to babysit is old enough to understand that if an event 2.5 hours away starts at 6, you can't leave after 5 and get there on time.  She might not understand that you need to allow extra time for traffic, parking, etc., but the math here is clear. Remind her that she and BM have known about this for a month and that there's nothing you can do, but there is something BM can do (get a babysitter).  Does SD have any friends/relatives who'd be willing to babysit for her?  Maybe SD can figure out a solution.  Don't let BM use this event to shift blame.

momjeans's picture

In my personal experience, this is a classic teachable moment in familial relations. And any reputable family therapist would encourage your DH to take the sit on your hands and bite your tongue approach, in order to allow SD to experience the unfortunate, thoughtless, and selfish behavior at the hands of her mother. 

tog redux's picture

Except a lot of these mothers are sooo good at twisting it around so it's the father's fault anyway (and lying in the process). 

 

Sandybeaches's picture

Maybe but it usually doesn't go that way.  Typically the BM still finds a way to make it the dad and step-moms fault.  It is NEVER the BM's fault... Maybe it could be a teachable moment but it usually won't be for the SD.  

Sandybeaches's picture

With BM I might have DH reach out to her and ask her if she could get another babysitter.  I too don't believe in kids being stuck babysitting brothers and sisters.  I would also have him point out to her that she is not hurting him or you she is hurting her daughter who wanted to attend the event.  

Either way I would go.  It serves no purpose to waste all the tickets and not go.  I am sorry that really stinks!!  In the future if you want to plan something like this again, pick a time during  your normal visitation as you did this time BUT make all your plans and don't tell SD until right before it is time to go so this can't happen again.  If BM asks why she didn't know it is a surprise and no one needs to tell her anyway if it is during her time with her dad!!