Getting a second residence
Forums:
Hi all, need major advice here. My DH and I are moving and will be living and working in a different state than where SS lives. DH wants to rent an apartment in the city where SS lives so he can have a place for him to go when he has him every other weekend. I believe this is a waste of money for only two maybe three weekends. Does anyone have any alternative ideas? Or am I wrong here?
How old is SS? Why can't DH
How old is SS? Why can't DH and BM meet halfway for those weekend visits? Yes, I think renting an apt solely for visitation is ridiculous. If you and DH are moving, then he needs to come to terms that it's his choice to be further from his son. He may only be able to commit to longer 3 day weekends, holidays, etc. I think you and DH need to reevaluate the CO. Normally a new CO or modification happens during "major life changes." Moving to a different state definitely qualifies for a modification.
SS is 6. It's not driveable,
SS is 6. It's not driveable, so I don't think BM will meet halfway. I agree about going back to modify CO, but he feels that his son is too young to see him only a few times a year. It seems though, he would still be able to see him every month, considering holidays and 3 day weekends as you said. It's difficult to approach the conversation because he feels that he needs to make a way to see him every other weekend.
Airbnb. He can get a fully
Airbnb. He can get a fully furnished apartment for those 2-3 weekends. Why would he rent?
But - how does every other weekend work out to 2-3 weekends? If he's truly going there every other weekend, a small studio apartment would probably be cheaper than Airbnb over a year's time (depending on the prices where SS lives).
I meant two to three weekends
I meant two to three weekends a month. Rent is very high where his son lives.
Unless you guys are
Unless you guys are fabulously rich, how will he afford it, plus plane fare, car rental, and everything else?
We aren't rich and I know
We aren't rich and I know this but he doesn't seem to lol. It'll be a financial burden on us if we do this. I just can't fathom having an apartment somewhere that is empty about 20 days of the month each month.
Has he checked out costs?
Assuming putting the kid on a plane to you is out, has DH looked at hotels vs apartments? I'd do a quick financial analysis, and of course there is the COVID risk with a hotel.
If SS is in a desirable area, would it make sense to buy a small condo that could be rented as an Air Bnb once the pandemic is over? Or bought to eventually be resold? With such low interest rates, that might be an option.
None of this is cheap, but if he insists, I'd try to figure out a way that it's the least expensive as possible.
That makes sense. I would be
That makes sense. I would be happier with that arrangement and actually making money from a second residence.
It's not driveable. So does
It's not driveable. So does he plan to fly? Has he added up the cost of his plan? Apartment. Utilities. Plane tickets. Food and activities when with his son. If he flies, what will he use for transportation while he is there? Uber? Car rental? Leave a car there and add in insurance and maintenance?
Has he thought about this thoroughly? Can he pay for all the costs of this second apartment plus his share of your shared residence? Has he considered how much time he will actually have on a weekend with his son with this plan? What do flight schedules look like? Will he be able to do this and still maintain a work schedule?
There are valid reasons that long distance COs are not every other weekend.
I 100% agree with this. Seems
I 100% agree with this. Seems like DH is bent on EOW and hasn't thought it all the way through.
He has not thought this all
He has not thought this all the way thorough. He hasn't checked with his job to see if he could work remotely on Fridays and/or Mondays and so you're right, his time would be limited. He might get there late Friday, stay all day Saturday and then take SS home Sunday mornings to catch a flight back. It's taxing on him, the finances and honestly the kid too.
That's absurd. It's a
That's absurd. It's a complete waste of money and will teach your stepchild to be entitled. If your husband wants to spend his money on it (a good reason to keep separate checking accounts) that's on him but he should still be contributing financially what he would have otherwise to your household together.
I know this has nothing to do
I know this has nothing to do with what you asked but how do you feel about being left on your own for 2-3 weekends per month?
I feel okay with it. He'd be
I feel okay with it. He'd be with my every week day and every other weekend. I wouldn't want to commit to traveling with him EOW. He wants me to come with him sometimes but I couldn't make that trip as often as he is planning to.
Long distance parenting isn't
Long distance parenting isn't fun but I have been doing it as a SM and BM for 9 years now.
The kids go to see dad (in both cases) for most of the summer, spring break, everyother Thanksgiving, and 1/2 of Christmas break. They are also permitted "liberal vistation" if father is in town.
Starting at 5 they can fly on direct flights as an unaccompanied minor. You might have to do some driving but it is do-able.
Don't get an appartment, just have him fly to you. Then when you go back to town 1-2 times a year you can stay at an airbnb or hotel.
This sounds so much more
This sounds so much more reasonable. I'm just not sure how to approach this conversation. He is hell bent that he should keep his visitation EOW until the kid turns 18. It's just unrealistic to me.
Personally I would get him to
Personally I would get him to work out a realistic budget so he can start to see if it would be financially feasible. Then if he still insists that it is, I would find a way with him to let him try it out for a while without committing to purchasing a condo. If after doing this for 6 months he still believes that it is a good idea then I am not sure there is much more you can do than protect your finances so that you are not funding any of this.
We do a long distance schedule similar to the one described above and it works out fine. Sd flighs on her own and comes here for two weeks winter vacation and most of summer vacation. My husband has made extra trips to her mother's state to see sd at other times during the year a couple of times too. They talk on skype weekly to stay in touch.
Sometimes that just isn't
Sometimes that just isn't realistic. My exH is Airforce and DH is Navy. We move. Both of us. It is what it is. As long as both parents make sure that the communication with the kid is there it isn't that bad. My kids don't go more than 2 months between seeing their dad. Some months it is even more frequent than that. They fly in for our kids birthday and spend a weekend, stuff like that. It works
I know DH and exH would love to see their kids every weekend- hell, everyday! But this is what we have and it works.
Hotels are cheaper. Try a
Hotels are cheaper. Try a Candlewood Suites, or some other residential apartment style hotel. The bonus is you get a ton of points for the number of stays DH will use.
Another option would be to buy an RV and keep in SS's city of residence. There are nice RV resorts with storage associated with them where they will move the RV back and forth between a full service space and a storage space. That way all DH has to do is call to have the RV set up for the weekend he will visit with his kid. If work interferes or DH otherwise has to cancel there is no additional cost beyond the storage fee in most cases.
When the Skid ages out from under the CO, you have an RV to take where ever you want and to enjoy.
Cheaper, than a monthly apartment rent payment, and gives you an asset for your expenditure though not one that will grow in value.
Better yet, DH goes to court, gets a long distance visitation schedule set up and has dedicated time with his kid away from BM where he can grow his relationship with his kid independent from BM and the location where the Skid and BM have their relationship.
We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to SpermLand so long distance visitation was the norm in our blended family adventure. My DW was the CP. We learned to enjoy the 7 weeks per year that SS was with his SpermClan on visitation. They had dedicated time with him, he had dedicated time with them, and we had a life significantly free of the usual drama associated with local EOW, EOWE, etc... visitation.