Gay step-parent
Approximately four years ago, I moved to marry my husband Jeff. I am 56 years old and Jeff is 54. Jeff has a 9 year old son, Michael (so I've been in the role of step-parenting for four years as well).
My relationship with Michael has been fine. Michael is with us 50% of the time and with his mother the other 50%.
Jeff's tendency is to be very organized (with Michael and with life generally). He works very hard. He loves to cook, clean and garden. He likes to decorate and arrange things. Sounds like I should be thrilled, right? My approach to life is much more laid-back. I enjoy quiet time, reading, sitting in the back-yard, caring for animals, etc. My professional roles have involved leadership positions, so it's not as though I don't want to do things...it's more a question of how I do them. My priority tends to be relationship-focused.
One of my greatest challenges in my marriage has been feeling like this isn't my home. Jeff takes care of so many things, including Michael, that I just don't feel very grounded. I find it hard to see myself reflected in the life we have created here.
Jeff and Michael have a very close relationship. For a long time, I felt like the outsider...but that has lessened a bit over time. But what I still find is that I really don't enjoy the times when we are all together. Maybe it is the same outsider experiences but it also involves the general pace of life. Michael likes constant activity and constant interaction with someone...and Jeff (as a good parent should) quickly fills that role. Jeff also, as I've indicated, enjoys planning and organizing our days. He does ask for input, so he's not highly controlling...but he likes to move ahead with projects, plans and activities.
I still miss the city where I was living four years ago. I miss my friends, family and even my job. These are normal losses, or course. But all of these changes, I believe, have prompted me to struggle even more in my marriage.
Unfortunately, my stresses have begun to emerge as resentment toward Jeff. I didn't realize how deeply all of these changes would effect me. I often feel distant from Jeff, even though intimacy is what I have desired so much in my life.
I'm just sharing these few thoughts. If anyone has any insights, I'd be happy to read about them!
I don't think that this has
I don't think that this has anything to do with your being gay. This is normal human desire for deep connection. IMHO of course.
So, you have a choice to make. Continue to invest in the commitment and quest for intimacy that you have with Jeff, or try to go back to your old life which in all likelihood will be unattainable. As they say, you can never go back. Please do not misinterpret the choice I am pointing out. Jeff should not be making his child the priority over you and the relationship that he has with you. Parents who make that grievous mistake create toxic manipulative entitlement minded spawn and rarely have viable long term relationships with anyone of quality. Jeff needs to extricate his head from his child worshipping ass.
Interestingly, my SS-27 is on the same quest for meaningful intimate adult connection as well. He is also a gay man. His mom and I are very proud of the man that he is.
Eventually he will find the connection he longs for. When he does, it will be with a man of quality and character who is his equity life partner.
So, does your longing for your past life outweigh the life you are making with Jeff? Is Jeff capable of putting his child centric life focus in its proper place?
Don't sacrifice yourself if Jeff is not willing to gain clarity.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Names
Thank you, Evil3. The names I used were not real (I still need to learn the abbreviations). I also adjusted ages to protect anonymity. Jeff and I are both in our 50s. He was married once before to a woman and came-out after nearly 20 years of marriage. I was never been married before.
I didn't meet this child very early when Jeff and I were dating, which makes sense. Yet, as you indicated, a child changes EVERYTHING. The child was introduced about eight months before our marriage and only five months before I was scheduled to move in. In my situation, it isn't really about the child per se, it is more about the dynamics that emerge when the child is present. I often feel it is more difficult to connect with my husband when the child is present. We already have a number of differences and the addition of a child probably adds even more stress to this situation.
This is indeed a very common
This is indeed a very common theme for bioless step-parents (those who have no kids of their own, but marry someone who does). Any SP in general tends to be thought of, as some put it, a bottom-feeder. But, if you have your own children, you are able to find some solace in that, and there is more of a give-and-take situation going on regarding both sets of kids. However, if you are a bioless SP, you are by far doing more of the giving and less of the taking, because your partner's children will be soaking up not only your partner's resources, but yours as well. AND, in addition, you moved! You gave quite a bit to be with this man.
Now, it'd be one thing if the partner with children thought the world of you for doing this and tried to make it up to you by giving you accolades and kept his own children in line. But, maybe not so surprisingly, most partners with children don't. They just think it is status quo for them, and, "Look what a wonderful bonus kid my partner is getting. He's so lucky." Sometimes here we refer to this as the bios wanting their cake and eating it too. Meanwhile, the SP is expected to settle for crumbs.
I'm not real sure what other issues may be going on here. It may be that the kid is "spoiled." I don't know. But, my guess is that you gave up so much more than what your partner did to be together and that your partner tends to think, like far too many bios, that you, the outsider, have to integrate into their environment rather than, as it should be, the bios going out of their way to help you integrate. Because children, especially, will see BM or bio-dad acting like you are just there in THEIR space, and follow that lead, and further down the line, the kids will see you as someone just taking up their space and time. No surprise there, because that is how BM or bio-dad pretty much acted all along--like you were and are just someone there, on the side.
If you haven't spoken with your partner about this, I would, and let him know you are aware this is a common theme for SPs, bioless in particular. Tell him you'd like him to acknowledge what you gave up and that you want to work with him on integrating both of your lifestyles together in your home (togetherj), with the thought that eventually, you'd both be blended with his child, and you'd feel like an equal partner vs. someone who is just there. Good luck to you!
Rags
Thank you, Rags. You describe the issue at hand very well. While I cannot go back to my past life, I often long for various parts of it: my old house, independence, connection with friends, living close to family, etc. What I wonder about is whether or not the stresses I am encountering will lead to growth and strength...or if I will just continue to feel like I'm hitting my head against the wall at times. I also find myself questioning whether I'm too focused on the negatives.
The quantity of change at the start of this marriage was substantial for me. But after nearly four years, it seems like things should have settled a bit more.
I don't like my tendency to withdraw...it also compounds my sense of disconnection. But it's hard to move beyond at times.
Make sure to take care of you
Make sure to take care of you. I would also suggest that you dedicate regular effort into driving Jeff to clarity. Some day his child will be an adult and will have a life of their own. If Jeff continues to worship the kid and live a kid centric life, Jeff will find himself alone and pining for any scraps his kid may toss his way in his retirement years.
Hopefully Jeff will man up and be the partner to you that you should demand that he be. For my DW and I it was immediate family when SS was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. DW and I were able to raise him together but never lost touch of the priority that our marriage is and that each of is for the other. It is this that I am confident gave SS an example of a strong adult life commitment. He thrived because of that example. And ... DW and I are having a great life in our empty nester years.
I am 56 by the way. DW is 44. We will have our 26th anniversary this summer. The kid will turn 28 a week later.
It has worked well for all of us.... so far.
Giving and taking
One of the root issues, for me, is the quantity of change I made on the front end of this marriage. But I can't go back. What's done is done...now, it is a question of whether or not I can make adjustments to feel more contentment.
I feel bad about this too because there really isn't any glaring issue here (no abuse, substances, etc.) that would prompt me to reevaluate the marriage. At times, I wish I was more skillful or stronger. I hope more clarity will come.
Have you sat Jeff down and
Have you sat Jeff down and been direct in communicating your concerns and expectations?
It is probably easy for me to recommend this since I never had to have this talk with my DW. We just got it and both were in the same place regarding the priority or the marriage in relation to the kid. Minor Kids are the top adult relationship responsibility but they should never trump the marriage as the priority for either spouse. Adult kids do not even register unless they clearly recognize that they have their own lives, their parents and the parent's spouses have their own lives and both sides of that equation have to respect each other and their marriages.
Why can't you go back?
Why can't you go back? Marriage isn't a prison cell. You have independence and freedom. You have the ability to share your frustrations for all the big changes you made, and realizing that those changes had I intended consequences.
While your issues aren't "big and bad" ones, marriages can suffer from "death by a thousand cuts". Those issues tend to come into play when the issues are based in poor compatibility.
I think that is the issue here. You led a busy professional life in a busy city, and your downtime was meant to be laid back and not as hectic. You placed your energy in work. Your husband (DH), however, puts his energy in the home and his downtime. He also puts a lot of time into his son (DS), who is your stepson (SS), possibly to SS's detriment.
I think your DH enjoys all this planning and going, and that has led your SS to not be able to keep himself busy. That probably means that much of what is planned is based on what SS likes, or on what DH and SS like to do together. That probably makes you feel like a third wheel. It probably also exhausts you because it means EVERY bit of free time includes a child. Even SS were your bioson (BS), you'd get tired having him around that often.
I am a planner. My DH isn't. We've had to come up with workarounds so that he gets downtime and I don't go stir-crazy. Here are some practical tips I can give you based on my personal experience and those of others:
1.) On weekends, pick one day to be "go" day and the other to be "lazy" day. For us, Saturdays are the days we go out and do things, and Sundays are devoted to staying home. I put off chores until Sunday because it gives me something to do since I don't like sitting down. My DH uses Sunday as a "recharge" day before he goes back to work because he is not a social person and Saturday wipes him out.
2.) Alternate date nights that you each plan individually. I'd go for a weekly date night. By alternating who plans them, you both get to introduce something new to the other, your DH gets to have something to plan, and you won't have every date be an "adventure". This also gives you both a night without the kid. Your DH NEEDS to hire a babysitter for his kid so you two can have time alone.
3.) Your DH NEEDS to invest in singular activities for SS. Video games in moderation, books, art projects - there's a lot that SS can do on his own that will keep him entertained so that you get some alone time with your DH. It's also good for SS to figure out how to entertain himself. In fact, he NEEDS to learn how to entertain himself and how to be alone. Not learning that skill is how people grow up to be co-dependent on others.
4.) Set a time each day that is "decompression time". This could be everyone reading, watching television, listening to music, etc. It's a time where there are no more chores, no more planning, no talking about the future. It's a time to be present in the moment and to do something mindless so the brain can start shutting down.
5.) Plan some time for yourself to go back to the city to see your friends and family. Whether it's a week here and there or one weekend a month, plan to go back to your "old life". I used to spend my weekends that my stepkids (SKs) were in my home not leaving the house because I thought I needed to be there and DH wanted me there. However, DH needed time with his kids without me, and I needed to go do what I wanted to do and not feel locked up. These "breaks" will give you something to look forward to, and it will allow your DH and SS time to bond.
I'm sure there are more tips, and I know right now that things are difficult. But some of this could be implemented now, and all of it can be discussed with your DH. And that's the key - talking to your DH. Let him know that you have different needs, but want to strike a balance. You want to enjoy what he enjoys, and you also want to share how your lifestyle can be just as nice. If he's reasonable, he should be happy to strike this balance that gives you both what you need.
Thanks
Thanks Rags. I appreciate hearing about your life's journey. I liked the language you used: "each of us is for the other". I'm not sure my husband and I have been able to come to that point. One of my husband's greatest desires in life was to be a father. This desire does not exclude partnership, of course...but since this is a passion he pursued prior to my arrival, it is challenging to find a way to join together.
Communication
My husband and I have communicated about these challenges for a few years. We are in couple's thereapy. It is helpful...but I still have this feeling of anxiety on the weekends when I wake up knowing all three of us will be together. The anxiety erodes any sense of contentment.
It sounds to me as though
It sounds to me as though you completely moved into Jeff's life and left your life behind. I did a little of that too and I had to laugh when you listed all that Jeff did and said you should be happy about that part. My husband used to being on his own cooked, cleaned, decorated, grocery shopped, sewed clothes did the yard work you name it he did and while I knew everyone thought man was I lucky to find a man like that it was totally not the case!! While I appreciated it, I had my way of doing things too and he was involved in things that most men never are. When we got married I moved into his house which made a little more challenging because he did everything before I had come along.
While it did take years to find a balance we eventually did. I am not sure how long you have been together I might have missed that but you can and will find a balance. Maybe when Michael is over maybe you don't have to be part of every activity maybe you could sit a few out and read or have quiet time that you like. It can feel like you feel obligated to be part of things but you don't have to feel that way. I often times have my husband go do whatever he needs to with my step-children and I stay home because I want to read or go in the pool a walk whatever.
We step parents feel a lot of what you are feeling. It is also hard to move into someone else's house. Time will make it yours but you also have to take back some of your life and the things you like to do. Speak up about your feelings with Jeff. I too agree this has nothing to do with being gay this is about moving into someone elses life and having step-children which has no status of sexual orientation attached. It is difficult to change everything in your life as you have. I bet if you start to do some of thngs your way and things you like to do a little more you will start to feel better. Good luck to you!!
Summer
One of the things I'm a bit anxious about right now is the upcoming summer. Over the past several years, my step-son has been enrolled in several summer camps. I would assist with transportation on occasion and there was one week when I spent 1/2 day with him throughout the week (since I am off work in the summer).
This coming summer, due to the pandemic, summer camps have been cancelled. I am concerned that it will become my job to supervise (or just be with) my step-son when he is at our house (he is with us 50% of the time). My husband works year-round.
Any thoughts about this? It feels awkward to say I don't want to take care of him during these periods of time, particularly when I am not working. Maybe I can find something in the middle, like "signing up" for a few days each week?
while many will say not your child not your
While many will say not your child not your responsibility I understand where you are coming from.
If it were me I might try being proactive and say hey I can take Michael for example Tuesday and Friday but I am taking a class or have apts Mondays, Wednesdays , Thursdays so you might need to make another Arrangement for him. That way you have made an effort and you feel better. Maybe there will be something else Michael can do we have a little time before summer so an alternative to camp could pop up but certainly nothing to plan on.
It is a tuff situation for sure.