Funny that
Forums:
Isn't it funny, how it's normal to not like your next-door neighbour's kids. Or to not like your cousin's kids. Or to not like your business partner's kids. Or your dry-cleaner's kids. Or your best-friend's. All perfectly normal and understandable.
But the second you let it slip that you don't like your significant other's kids, well, that's a different story. You're a total bitch then.
I bet if your told your
I bet if your told your neigbour, cousin, buisness partner, dry-cleaner or best friend that you did not like thier kids that they might not think of you in the best light either!
Parents are hormonally (and socially) bound to see thier kids in the best light and take attacks on thier children as attacks on themselves. Telling any parent that you do not like their kid is a dangerous game.
Yeah
Yes that would be true if I was to tell anyone point-blank that I didn't like their kid. But I guess what I was really driving at, was the reaction from DH's wider community towards me, when they heard that I didn't like his child. I saw conversations DH had on Facebook messenger, where he would tell old school friends from 20 years ago, that I didn't like his child. And these people - who had never met me, and had no idea of the full situation - would make a snap judgement, and say "Oh what a bitch".
And it got me thinking : we all have experiences on a regular basis, where we come across someone's child, and for whatever reason, we just don't find them to be a likeable child. Because we .JUST.DONT. And it happens all the time, whether it be the kid of a friend, relative, acquaintance, college, client or associate. And everyone is fine with that. If I say "oh I don't like the new next-door neighbour's kid", nobody bats an eyelid. But if I say "I don't like my boyfriends kid", watch the reaction it causes !
This is exactly why I focus
This is exactly why I focus on behavior. Telling a spouse that you don't like their child is definately a dangerous game.
That is why it is far better to tell a spouse that a specific behavior that the kid is doing is unacceptable. Focus on the behavior. The kid does not really matter. What matters is that the kid behaved in accordance with acceptable standards. Focus on their choices, focus on their performance. That way the parent is not exposed to hearing that their own spouse does not like their kid.
If behaviors are the topic and are addressed then there is a chance for that kid to actually be liked by a Sparent and society at large. Which makes everyone's life easier. Particularly for the kid, the BioParent and the SParent. Society isn't going to care if that kid is happy or not. All society cares about is if that kid does not disrupt the everyday lives of the public. If that kid is not held to a behavioral standard at some point their own peers will deal with them and worse case, society will deal with them.
I was dating a single mom when I met my wife. The woman was beautiful but struggling in many aspects of her life. Her kid was a nightmare. That was all I needed to see to know that when my incredible bride arrived in my life as a focused parent dedicated to raising her son successfully and did not facilitate a kid being a screaming banshee that I had found the one.
There is no need for single parents to infect anyone else's life with a toxic kid. Ever.
And it should never be tolerated by a prospective partner. Ever.
"If you want me as your partner you will get your kid under control."
End of discussion.
Kids are like farts, everyone
Kids are like farts, everyone is fine with their own.
DH
"I saw conversations DH had on Facebook messenger, where he would tell old school friends from 20 years ago, that I didn't like his child." This is totally unacceptable on your DH's part, and very unfair to you. Would you go on a public forum and say, "My DH says he can't stand my Mother?" Pretty sneaky - and you wonder why his kids are unlikable?
I love kids in general, but, as with everyone, I've had a few bad experiences with spoiled, undisciplined little sh*ts. One of them was SD. At first we got on great - until I married her father. For 20 years I tried to win her over until she had a complete meltdown. DH could not come up with one thing that i had ever done to her to justify it - or the unreasonably rude and obnoxious behavior I had put up with throughout the marriage. She was 36 at the time. When DH was on the phone to her, telling her she wouldn't be coming around for a while, he looked up at me and exclaimed, "SD says she LIKES you!" I replied, so both of them could hear it, "SD doesn't like me and I don't like her!" This little episode made me realize if DH wanted me to like his daughter he had better do what was necessary to make her likable. It was on HIM.
The people who condemn you for not liking your SO's kids are the same ones who say, "Children come first". And God help you if you are a SM who gets tired of being the emotional punching bag for those poor little souls who are the children of divorce - even 25 years later - even if they are big enough to burn diesel.
No matter how old the skids are, it is your SO's job to ensure there is mutual respect.
I think the 'funnier' thing
I think the 'funnier' thing is that you can set boundaries with other kids who aren't yours and no one would bat an eye or ACCUSE you of 'hating' the kids.
Neighbor has to ask you before letting her kids come over for the afternoon? Of course she does. They're not your kids. Sister has to ask before assuming you'll babysit your niece for the weekend? Obviously. It's just proper etiquette.
Ask for similar considerations with your stepkids?? YOU BITCH!! Why do you HATE the kids so much??!!
I don't dislike him...
It's not that I don't like my SS9, I do. What I have grown to resent it that when he is with us he is FREE to do whatever he wants and if I say anything DH rolls his eyes or gets irritated with me. DH moved in with me and my son ( he was 16 at the time), we live in an apartment, all of the furniture is MINE. SS comes over and uses is like it was gym equipment, jumps and climbs all over it (by the way DH forbids my cats from getting anywhere near the furniture), I'm not allowed to tell him to get off of it becasue that starts issues. My son on the other hand is now 20 works a full time job a can't ever do anything right according to DH, I'm not going to kick him out, he helps with the bills and I am all he has as dad is deceased. DH gets irritated at pretty much everything having to do with my son, he either has a comment about how much time he spends in the bathroom or how often he washes his hands. I've posted previously that SS9 refuses to wash his hands. I've grown to resent SS9 becasue of all of this. When DH and I first started dating I'd do anything for SS9, pick him up from BM or school. Now I can't stand the thought that he is comming for his visit.