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Fullfilling needs and voids not addressed by relationship

pwoodlson's picture

My SO is limited to what he can give to me (emotionally and time wise) because of his kids and mother. I used to get frustrated because of this but gradually it stopped because I began getting my needs fullfilled by things outside of the relationship. I began spending more time with friends, doing things and hobbies that I enjoyed that did not involved him nor his kids nor MIL. I ended up connecting with several friends, male and female, outside of the relationship who are more than happy to spend time with me, talk and listen, have good conversations with and who are interested in doing things I have interest in as well. I just dont know how helathy this is as I have come to the conclusion my SO will never come close to meeting my relationship needs so I have stopped trying. For example we had a brief date night the other night. It was great but short. It was a rare time he didn't have his kids and his mother wasnt calling 24/7 because she was out of town. However he got up very early the next morning to pick his kids up and disappeared the rest of the morning and afternoon withot letting me know what was going on. Ended up he took his kids to the park and shopping then to lunch. He called me last minute to see if I wanted to join. He is with his kids all week and rarely sees me. You would think he would want to mayeb spend a little more time with me but I guess not. This used to hurt my feelings but it no longer does. I enjoyed sleeping in  and not being woken up early by his kids then met a male friend of mine for lunch and conversation. Is this a good or bad idea? I feel like it has caused me to let go or a lot of issues I had within the relationship including lack of time, attention and jealousy issues. Of course he does not know I met up with him. It would cause a big fight. 

TrueNorth77's picture

This doesn't sound good...

Yes, you may be letting things go, but having a P/T SO that you feel the need to hide things from (meeting up with a male friend) does not bode well. I think there are things missing in your relationship that you need, that as you said yourself, you are not getting from him. I read a few of your past posts as well, and you mentioned falling out of love with him due to his relationship with his mother.

Do you really think he is the one for you? I think there is someone out there who will give you more of what you need. Your relationship has gone backwards, instead of forward...

Survivingstephell's picture

Sounds like you are living like room mates.  You are ripe for an affair IMO. 

Notup4it's picture

I agree with this comment... I think if you keep heading down this road the way things are your relationship is in major trouble (I think it is already in jeopardy).

It is very hard to find a balance between disengaging and protecting yourself and growing your relationship. Me personally after trying to disengage... I’m finding it doesn’t work, and I become distant. You need to be making sure your needs are being met (and his) within the relationship- trying to say otherwise is faulty thinking and just doesn’t work. You. Can only suppress so much before you blow.  I think you need to have a serious chat with DH and spend some time thinking about how you want this to look for yourself.

Areyou's picture

Don’t worry about it. I also started spending more time with males and females alike. They do fulfill a social and emotional need the SO cannot. My SO is supportive. He did raise an eyebrow when I wanted to have lunch with a male friend but lucky for me he’s so black and white he thinks if he feels jealousy then he’s in the wrong lol

marblefawn's picture

What you're doing to fill the gaps is fine, but why not find someone who can give you what you need?

Life is short.

Someday you will look back and wonder where all the time went. And if something happens and you really need someone, he won't have time to be there for you. Life without a partner is hard. Life with a half partner is a half life.

Rags's picture

It isn't good that you are finding companionship and adult fulfillment of your relationship needs outside of your marriage.

However, I completely understand.  My XW never engaged in our marriage.  I would come home from work to a note that she was at her parents home far more often than she would be home.  Her failure to engage in the marriage led her to find companionship outside of our marriage from very early in that marriage.   I did not know it and I was all in.  She wasn't.

2.5 years later she left me for a boyfriend who she was pregnant with.  It was not my child. It had been 8+ months  since we were last intimate.  Couples who do not bond, who do not make each other and the relationship their unequivocal priority and who invest in and receive their support, intimacy, companionship and life partnerships from each other are likely not in a sustainable relationship.  Whether they get those bonds from prior relationship children, friends, or extended family.

Because my XW was not invested in our marriage I also found my adult companionship and validation elsewhere. 

Your marriage is over.  Let it go. Do not jeopardize your own character hanging on to this non man who can't be your equity life partner. I wasted 2.5 long years trying to do it all for the two of us that were in that blessedly short marriage and many more years reconnecting with and rebuilding the man and person I like being.

Don't lose track of who you are because your SO is not man enough to invest in an equity life partnership with you. If both of you are not all in, then it isn't worth any investment at all. Either of time, emotion, or care.

I was able to reconnect with me and find an amazing woman to be my bride. We are partners in life and all that entails. We recently celebrated our 24th anniversary.  We have raised a great young man together (my SS-26 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22) have built two successful careers together, worked and traveled all over the world and have been at each other's side for all of that.  Do not settle for less.

Take care of you..