THE FRICKING EX YET AGAIN
OK so my DH has surgery on Monday, and I kept asking if he was nervous I keep getting told no, but frickin amazing to me has calls and talks to his ex about it. Who the F do you think he called when surgery was over his fing EX, of course I saw him cuz I was there, but still their conversations in my opinion should only be about the children, she does NOT need to know anything about him, nor he about her and her personal shit. She called the other day while we were in the car and he puts her on speaker, she's just talking away and says something about I really didn't mean that the other day, I'm not moving ou. Well I guess she had in passing said something about leaving her current husband, and the kid could move her out. She proceeds to say her husband is always on to her about something and that she just can't do anything right, just ask the kids she says. As far as I am concerned she needs to discuss that crap with her girlfriends NOT my HUSBAND.. Leads me to ponder what he talks to her about and that really burns my ass. Kids are adults now there really shouldn't be any reason for ANY ANY contact between them. I just feel like I am the runner up in this scenerio with him all the time. Why must he call and talk and text her for anything???? Oh and the other day he left deposit slips out for the kid in college, I asked what they were for and he says for me to deposit money in so&sos acct, I ask how much are you putting in there $275 I am told, I said oh are you two, wait I mean the FOUR of us splitting that $275, Him" UH NO, it's $275 a piece. Im like WOW, he gets mad that I get mad he doesn't think I have any reason to be angry, and got mad at me because I said yes I have a valid reason for being angry. It's because I always get told AFTER the fact (guarantee if he had remembered to hide the slips I would never have been told) I am NEVER consulted and I ask furthermore, how did YOU arrive at $275 a month did you pick out that #, he stammers uh, I said OH yes that's what you were told by your FING ex you ARE going to pay no questions asked, no consulting your NOW wife. I am very close to telling that B**CH to take his ass to her home and she can f'ing take care of him since he still seems attached to her tits. but CLAIMS TO LOVE ME OH SO MUCH, I am about ready to walk away ans wash my hands of the whole situation. Any feedback???
Wow, that's tough. Other
Wow, that's tough. Other than this ex issue - are you two getting along well? There was a time when DH and I were NOT getting along well, in fact I would say that was an understatement. I was planning to leave. My DH was really taking it hard. But instead of focusing on us and trying to make it work and think about what HE could do to improve the situation he instead turned to BM to pour out his heart. When I first found out (which I actually found out YEARS later, when we were in a MUCH better place) I was beyong ticked. But when I thought more about it, I thought it probably made sense. He was bring SD back and was obviously upset and BM asked him about it. BM is nosy beyong belief and thrives off of any upset in our lives. She of course was an excellent listener to him and gave him all the support he needed, told him how he would be SOOO much better off with out me, how I was so controling, how he could do SOOOO much better, how it was all for the best he would be so much happier. She was always quick to jump on his band wagon about anything that I did that he found upsetting. And becuase she knew we were having problems she used that to look like a "friend" to him. I have no doubt she thought she could get him back if I left if she "played her cards right".
Is there anyway that BM thinks she can win him back - just ask becuase of that "moving out" thing you mention. Think she was saying that to gauge his response to it? If you two are having other problems, she is probably feeding off that and useing the kids as a way to keep a "bond" going with him. Let's each pay X amount toward "our" kids while there in college, you don't have to ask So-and-so she'll just get mad and not want you too.
Just the impression I get from it and from my past experience. The only advice I can give is to sit down with your DH and calmly explain why you don't feel like a priority to him and that you feel second to wife 1. That he can not please both of you and that YOU need to first in his life. Would he ever do counseling?
he actually had moved out
he actually had moved out little over a year ago, we were having some major problems, it's like he doesn't know what boundaries to set with women. He moved back in the beginning of summer and we HAD been getting along great. I feel they are TOO familiar as far as being exes goes and want it to stop, I feel 2nd rate to this first wife. Early on I even invited her to our wedding, tried to be friendly as I do not have an EX he must deal with as my daughter's father is deceased. So I really didn't know what to expect, I think I didn't question their contact because I had never been involved with someone who had been divorced. She did tell me way back then that she wished she had him back the way he was then. She's always involved in HIS family's functions, I get the pity party for her that her parents are dead and HIS family is ALL she has, bulllshit she HAS a husband that is HER family. It seems that he carries guilt for what went wrong with them and he questions NOTHING just does as he is told by her. WTH, I am livid my therapist equates it to us being in a polygamist marriage, mainly the emotional I would assume and can't say that I much disagree. As I said she has her own husband can't they just part ways already, I feel like he turns to her more than me and it hurts and I wonder why I am hanging around.
Wow! To me this is a MAJOR
Wow! To me this is a MAJOR MAJOR problem. Your husband needs to CHOOSE to put you first by words and actions. Right now he isn't doing that. You can help him in making that decision by clearly explaining to him what that looks and feels like to you (because it is different for everyone) but he has to make the choice. If he won't make it then you have big a decision to make.
If he makes the decision to put you first you both need to get into couples counseling and individual counseling. He needs to find out why he remains so attached to his ex.
I hate to say it but any man that attached to someone who was once so familiar is rapidly sliding down the slippery slope. And you do not deserve to feel like you are 2nd or 3rd to him. That is not right.
His kids are adults, and he
His kids are adults, and he still speaks to his EX?! That is a BIG no no!! If his children are adults, he should be able to speak to THEM about anything regarding THEM. Sounds like there is some strange attachment left between your husband and his ex wife. He shouldn't be speaking to her AT ALL in my opinion. I know for a fact that the day my SD is able to speak for herself as an adult, my DH will lose BM's number!! He can't stand her and hates that he even has to talk to her about their daughter.
well what exactly do you
well what exactly do you consider an adult? there are 3 of them one is 22 they really don't dicuss anything about him, other 2 are 19, one is in the military the other is in college. I consider that an adult, but we are still footing bills and yes apparently the two of them still feel the need to communicate. What Soon-to-be Step said I have been saying the same thing it's not like they are 7 or 8 anymore, but those kids can't find their way out of a flipping paper bag and they are DEFINATELY momma boys. We have been on counseling before adn it helps for a while I think I am to the point I am gonna have a MAJOR flip out and just walk away, I do love him very much, but I finally realized when he moved out I would be fine and I need to learn to love myself and my child and put a stop to this bull. I try to rationalize and tend to over analyze all the possible reasons he cannot stop talking to her and all the answers I arrive are NOT good ones. Thank you for letting me vent :)!
My DH does NOT speak to his
My DH does NOT speak to his ex at ALL. He used to until idiot got prego and didn't want to talk to my DH about the kid anymore. Since then, no communication. Even before then it was about the kid or not at all. There are some major boundaries being crossed.
Not cool! If you have the
Not cool! If you have the financial means to do so, find an apartment for yourself and move out. It almost seems like he does it to hurt you on purpose! If you have your own job and your own money, I would do it A.S.A.P. Then he can spend his money on whatever crap he wants!
Your therapist is correct and
Your therapist is correct and your DH is being emotionally adulterous to you with his ex.
Has DH explained to you why he feels it is necessary to betray you like he is doing with his ex? I ask because if he can understand why he has to do this, perhaps its a step closer to breaking the habit and something you counsellor can work on with him.
Right now it sounds like you are coming to the end of your tether and are considering splitting from him because of his inability to listen, take on board long term what he is being told by you and your counsellor (am assuming your counsellor has told him how inappropriate this is?) and changing for good. I dont blame you, there is only so many times you should forgive him for this. So my advice is to ask yourself what else have you got to lose? If there is a strong likelihood things could break down permanantly between you two, then why not lay your cards on table bluntly? Tell him that to you, his sneaking behind your back, speaking to his ex and telling her intimate things about your life/marriage is tantamount to adultery and betrayal of you - the emotional kind. As a result of the lies and sneaking, you dont trust him, (personally I would be wondering if something more than just "talking" is going on, given that BM's marriage appears to be very rocky too - perhaps BM's DH is experiencing the same problems and fears that you are encountering) and I would be telling DH this, that you suspect something more. That your recent break is looking more and more tempting than the life you are leading right now and you are questioning if this is something you wish to continue seriously, the decision isnt long coming either.
Then I would think about what you want, whether this is something you can put up with for always. As I mentioned on a recent post, next will be grandchildren and another excuse for this behaviour to continue - can you endure that? Personally I wouldnt condone this going on anymore - DH puts BM on speakerphone? Hang it up. DH is livid about it? Tough, you dont want to listen to her anymore. DH is not discussing things with you? Then do the same, withdraw from him and start living your life without considering him and what he feels. Harsh this may sound, however you need to change how you are reacting to things. You cant control these people, but you can control what you put up with, listen to and by no means would I personally allow my DH to walk all over me without any consequences to his crappy behaviour - these are the consequences. Reaping what he is sowing.
No, no, no. Something isn't
No, no, no. Something isn't right here. I sometimes wish that my DH and his ex had a more amicable relationship but, so help me if he EVER put his EX before me in any aspect of our relationship there would be HELL to pay.
You need to remind him that YOU are his WIFE and will not tolerate coming in "second" to his previous marriage. I know that this is going to sound harsh but I think a little invesgtigating is in order regarding his inappropriate contact with his ex wife. Sucks that you are going through this! After reading the part where you had to listen to her yap on speaker phone I cringed. Ugh!
I have already fore-warned
I have already fore-warned him, that the message I am getting is I either need to suck it up or we are done, his response was NO that's not what I am saying. I told him if things continued the way they have been we would be over for good, his response was that would be my fault, I said NO, not 100%, my fault you and she would also be the demise of our marriage. I know it must be stressful on him to have to put up with two women, but that IS 100% his fault as he allows it. He has told me they talk when I'm not around or her HB is not around as they don't want to upset us(that started before), but HELLO right there is a clue IT'S NOT right.
Funny thing is I don't need to remind him I am his wife, as he has said thatsame thing countless times to me, himself. That he loves me not her and that's why they are divorced, if he still loved/wanted her then they wouldn't have gotten divorced. But I kind of feel like a kid on the playground, this B**CH has her foot in my sandbox and he's playing with it and I am about ready to STOMP the shit out of it and him!! I swear if she had shown up at the hospital I really think I would have had a screaming meme fit!! After listening to her tell him about her marital problems, I am certain he's discussed ours with her and that he is the one that ever told her in the first place I had a problem with her.
Beth - I don't know how to
Beth - I don't know how to say this gently but your H has spoken: the only issue he sees is that you, the wife he claims to love, have a problem with his behavior that makes you feel second to his xw AND he's blaming you for feeling that way. This is not loving behavior from a spouse.
Again, gently, YOU need to make a decision -- he has essentially said to you nothing is changing, get over it. Your decision is do you want to continue being second?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks.