You are here

Food for thought....are skids stuck in time?

Thisisnotus's picture

Here me out and share your thoughts......DH and I have discussed this and think it is a real thing.

DH divorced BM over 4 years ago....skids were 8 and 12.

BM still acts like DH asked for the divorce yesterday and nothing has changed with her behavior. She is literally stuck in time...

so I got to thinking we often discuss skids being behind thier peers...is this part of it? BMs being stuck in time to  when they got divorced and in addition it leads to skids being stuck in time? Skids are 12 and 17 now....BM treats them like they are 8 and 12 ( our younger) and they act like it too.

if BMs can't move on with their lives....how can skids grow and change and age appropriately?

my kids were 8, 11 and 13 when I got divorced but my ex and I both moved on immediately and my kids are well adjusted and on par with their peers.  
 

thoughts?

MissK03's picture

BM here is absolutely stuck in time. SO and BM separated in 2011 divorced in 2012. I've been with him since 2015.

BM is remarried been with him probably 6/7 years now. (Don't know actually date) 

Her go to with skids is sending "time hops" of when they were small. She does this often. When I first started dating SO she had a group text with the boys and him and would send them to all 3 of them. About probably 6 months in i was like uhhhh this isn't ok. He talked to her about that and it stopped. She still continues to send skids them. Which is fine but it's just her way (I think) of her (in her head) thinking she's a "good mom." They have to be repeats now throughout the years. I'm pretty sure the ones she sends though also included SO in them. 
 

SD13s birthday in April she sent her a pic of her ultrasound of her. Really throwing it back haha. 
 

About a month ago she tried sending pics to SO of skids and he told her to send to skids and she got pissed.

Shes stuck in a time where she actually saw them. It's what she holds on too. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Omg our BM does this too! She will send pics to DH that are on a TimeHop... that she has ALREADY sent DH over the years (so it's not like he doesn't have any pics of his kids). SD10 has a phone at her house, so it's not like she is texting DH, just so SD can see them. They also divorced in 2012 and we started dating in 2016. BM has been off and on with the same guy the whole time. WOW, you hit the nail on the head. She is stuck in time and only happiness is reminiscening in the past. So sad. DH ignores the texts. 

MissK03's picture

It's so funny that some of these women do the EXACT same thing! I get sending them to skids.. like ok. When your BM sends them are they just of the skid(s) or all of them? When BM tried last month that was her way of trying to get SO into conversation of their past life. That's what she does even though. That's my opinion.

Dogmom1321's picture

Some of them had both DH and SD in them. She also sends screenshots of her past "status posts." Like on FB back when people posted that stuff... 

I feel like saying... just show pics to SK whenever they are at your house! DH honestly doesn't care about seeing them! 

Rags's picture

The Skids may be catered to at the opposition  parent's home but they do not have to be catered to in our homes with their other parent.  

We adopted the immediate compliance model for SS when he returned home from SpermLand visitation.  As a toddler and little boy he would leave fully conversant, mostly toilet trained, and very engaging and involved.  He would come back in a loaded and soaked diaper, non conversant and tantrum throwing at any little thing. We would have a stern face to face with him. After that he complied or he experienced consequences.  He was fully capable of asking for what he wanted but would point, grunt, scream, and pitch a fit.  So, we just stepped around him while telling him to use his words or he would not get what he wanted.  If he chose to continue the toxic crap from SpermLand visitation he might get a swat to the butt and be marched to his room or a isolated corner.  Lather, rinse, repeat until he stopped the crap.

As he grew up, we adjusted. But never did we tolerate any previsitation behavioral degredation or extended behavioral crap when he returned from SpermLand visitation.  He struggled with previsitation behavioral degradation and post visitation detox at some level for the entire 16+ years we lived under the CO though we all figured out how to get through it quickly and increasingly effectively over the years.

CLove's picture

Rather than detox - at least in my interaction with Munchkin SD14. Ive explained it as "there are different at your 2 different households, and going from one to the other takes time, like a diver going through different atmospheres between levels in water..."

Through the years Diablo I have noticed her behavior is much different when coming back from her mother's, Toxic Troll. That coupled with her raging teen hormones makes things a bit challenging.

SeeYouNever's picture

This is definitely a thing. At first my DH always treated SD like she was forever 3 years old. I had to have a talk with him about realistic expectations for her. BM both babies SD and treats her like a peer. SD has lot of irrational fears that BM has encouraged and it's kind of sick. She wants SD to be dependent on her. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Okay yeah....I had to have a talk with my DH even and say uhhh oldest SD is dating an 18 year adult male...and likely having sex with him and you are making and cutting up her waffles......WTF?

BM here also babies SDs and treats them as peers...it's super weird.

oddly my MIL is also stuck in time with skids.....

it's like the world froze and these skids are forever 8 and 12.

 

Justthesecondwife's picture

Both with BM and MIL (and SIL). Even DH can't seem to grasp the skids are adults now. I think he still sees them as the age of when he and BM divorced. Or he is guilty parenting and trying to baby them to make himself feel like a good dad. It hasn't worked out well.

BM's agenda is obvious for us, and maybe for you too. She has not other life. No partner (the one she left DH for dumped her years ago, little friends, no family around, no job. She wants to keep SD with her for life. Which will probably work out for both of them seeing as neither can handle the real world. I'm not sure if SD would be different if BM wasn't so clingy, from her personality it doesn't appear so, but we may never know. BM doesn't want to be alone and is terrified of not being "needed" or relevant.

MIL is just a loon. She doesn't just live in the past with the skids, but in her own life too. Forever posting random pictures of decades ago, not milstones or anything relevant, just living in the past. She can't accept the skids are adults and still calls them her babies. For giggles, MIL also likes to post photos of DH and BM with captions of "the good old days", incuding over 100 (no exaggeration) pictures of DH and BM together the week after we got engaged. She couldn't find time to congratulate us though!!

Skids who are in this timewarp will no doubt be stunted, and will face very big difficulties when it is time for them to forge their own lives. It's sad really, they are being done a disservice. 

CLove's picture

Yes, it seems that the BM-who is emotionally stunted, treats the kids like they are forever her babies as a way to be nurturing, and then be their bff "Im the cool mom".

Munchkin SD14 tells me that she "forces her mother to do things" that Toxic Troll would rather not do, such as have her ex bf over when she is there, wear masks, go apartment hunting, when she was homeless. Munchkin is currently working on forcing her mother to evict her sister.

Feral Forger was "given notice" a few weeks ago. Supposedly. Munchkin was with us and her mother texted her that Feral Forger has until July sometime to get out.

 

Someoneelse's picture

Honestly i don't know if it even has to have much to BM. Sd is 15 yet she literally has about the same maturity level as my 7yo autistic neice.  She constantly cries over everything.  We were looking for stuff to get DH for father's day.  Dds15 and 16 got him a shirt that says something about being an awesome step dad.  Sd wanted to get him a pocket knife.  So i was trying to help her find one, them she saw this hammer that turns into a wrench, or screwdriver.  I told her theat he doesn't do a whole lot of handyman stuff, but he does love pocket knives, I was also suggesting travelers mugs, and and showing how they had baby Yoda on the  mugs (that's something they both like). She started sobbing and stopped even looking for stuff, i obviously hurt her feelings, i felt bad, so i told her we could get that hammer thing, maybe i was wrong and dh would love it.  It's up to her what she wanted to get DH. I just didn't want it to hurt her feelings if it gets pt in his tool box and never used.  

Then i was asking if she wanted to  wrap it separately, or make a big box of presents for them all to give dh. She started crying again,  saying how obviously DH would know that the shirt was from my DDs and then her gift would be "just there" and he might not know that she got him that. I was like "girl, if you want it to be separate, just say so." This girl! She still thinks boys are gross, at 15. DH bought her a night stand at a garage sale that was still in a box.... we opened it up and it was a bunch of random wire shelving.... she cried. I mentioned she seems to get abused reflux a lot,  she cries,  this girl! She's 15! She literally acts like this AAAALLLLL the time. She couldn't figure out how to user the credit card machine in check out, she cried! 

CLove's picture

SD14 Munchkin has started crying a lot more too. Typically around the time of her period. But if her father speaks sternly, if she is frustrated because something isnt working out, if she is mad...

Someoneelse's picture

No, this is just how she acts, she's never NOT acted like this, I've been in life life since she was 5.  She's ALWAYS been this way. 

CLove's picture

I joke that she is "forever locked in time". Shes now emotionally about 12-13ish.

She might have matured just because of her new drug use and promiscuity. That tends to age you. Ive been in her life since she was 15.5. When she lived parttime with us, she was extremely feral, stealing food and eating in her room at all hours of the night. Trashed her room. Grunted and yelled, temper tantrums.

Now she lives with her very stunted mother. And from Munchkin's reports shes the same and worse. Because she is now in party mode.

It should be noted that Feral Forger has not had a job in over a year, and at 21 no drivers license, hence no car (shes mad at DH because at her high school graduation she did not recieve her promised car.) The deal was that she would get a car when she had a job AND a license.

I think the lack of driving independently of people, and not having a job has stunted her growth significantly.

 

WwCorgi7's picture

My SD was mentally mature beyond her years but she also seemed "feral". She refused to shower, wash her hair, change her clothes, and she would also hide food in her room. She had stashes and stashes of food hidden in her closet and dresser drawers that she would never eat. I could possibly understand it if she ate it but she never did she just hoarded. I always put snacks in Christmas stockings, candy bags for valentines, Easter baskets, etc. Then Christmas would roll around again and on top of all the everyday household snacks we had year round hidden in her stash was still all the candy and snacks from holidays the year prior. There has never been a food shortage and my husband stocks up on everything before she visited so we never run out. She also goes out to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with BM. I still don't understand this!

WwCorgi7's picture

This is a very interesting way to look at things. For a very long time my SD was fixated on her parents being back together and still seems to haven't moved on. My husband and BM were teen parents and split a week before her 1st birthday. I have been with my husband since SD was 3 and BM got married when SD was 4. SD has never known life with them together but she couldn't move on from this idea. BM wasn't helping by telling SD that if her dad really loved her he would be living with her everyday. BM and step dad and my husband and I each went on to have 4 more children. So things have moved on but they still haven't. Despite being married now for several years with more children BM is still hung up on a split that happened over 13 years ago and will viciously lash out on my husband at random. SD takes it out on my husband and became very upset when they refused to have a vacation she was wanting that only included BM, her siblings from her mom, my husband, and of course SD. SD has also cut off contact with my husband because she only wants one family and he is not truly her dad. So there is still some hang up and despite therapy and acknowledgement of her feelings she absolutely can not move on.

Survivingstephell's picture

Trauma can stunt psychological growth.  My SIL list his mother to cancer at 13. It really messed him up and he ended up in therapy to "grow up".  
The refusal to accept reality causes so many issues.  It hinders the development of resilience along with other life skills.  So many CODs can't function.  

Thisisnotus's picture

I guess what I'm saying is BMs trauma is stunting the kids,   Not the kids own trauma.

 Not that divorce isn't traumatic but if you are a COD and many years have past but your mom acts as nuts as she did on day 1 of the divorce....and still acts like it's fresh and new then that fault of stunting the kids lies with BM.....while the BM blames the dad daily for everything that is wrong.

Survivingstephell's picture

If your parent turns it into a traumatic experience then that's the trauma moment.  That's the thing  though, many families get thru divorce and escape long lasting crippling effects. Then you come here and see what happens when dysfunction takes over.   I've seen "healthy" divorce situations, I can't believe it but I know of quite a few.  The kids are functioning.  This site is a concentration of the worst of it.  Yes , divorce can stunt all involved. 

DPW's picture

Came here to say this exactly. Add in alienating parents, adult drama that the kids are exposed to, lack of coping skills taught, and future guilty parents because, well, they are CODs after all, and you are going to get problems. From a philosophical standpoint, I push being a survivor versus being a victim. It sets the stage for growth instead of stuntedness.

strugglingSM's picture

When I first became a SM I read a lot about the impacts of divorce on children and there are some schools of thought that claim that a child's development is arrested at the time the divorce happens. SSs were 6 when DH moved out. When I met him, they were 9 and they definitely acted younger than they were. They couldn't (or wouldn't) sleep alone. They couldn't cut up their own food. They had to be reminded to do things like flush the toilet. They would cry and have temper tantrums. I don't even know if DH even noticed. 

Now, SSs are 14 and DH will say to them that he thinks they are regressing because they don't act their age, but really, I think they never moved forward that much, DH is just now noticing because he no longer feels as guilty about the divorce. 

I think this is probably more common when parents didn't really know how to parent before the divorce. For example, BM was never much of a parent. When SSs were small, she would get overwhelmed and leave the room, leaving DH to manage everything. She also can't deal if either kid is unhappy, so will do nearly everything to remove anything that is uncomfortable for them. The other side is that she leaves them home alone a lot to fend for themselves and has they are 9 or 10. Some kids thrive in that environment and are able to parent themselves, but many flounder and never move to an age-appropriate development stage. 

hereiam's picture

Traumatic events (and drugs) can stunt emotional growth and development. However, as an adult, BM should be able to move on and, as a parent, help her children move on. Although, the dads also contribute to their kids' lack of emotional maturity through guilty parenting.

BM over here, finally moved on but, of course, has always been the perpetual victim. My SD is very immature due to BM wanting her to be dependent on her, which I think is more due to BM's BPD than the divorce. Although, DH not being there everyday was traumatic for SD, as he was the main nurturer.