First timer needs help
Hi all. First time poster here....very glad I found this forum today. My situation is weird and long but I'll try to keep it succinct.
My current partner of 9 years and I were in a poly relationship. I already had 2 school age kids from my previous marriage. He had none and swore he didn't want any, esp from the woman with whom I was sharing him. Fast forward and he accidentally got her pregnant. Fast forward again and he and the other woman ended, as I always knew they would, and our blended family began. We now live with my 2 teenage boys and his 6 year old daughter. We each have the kids 50% of the time. The kids generally get along as we have all been involved w the 6 year old since her birth.
Here's some of the problems:
-I don't like my partner's permissive parenting style, and the way he treats his 6 year old like a baby.
-I (this is hard to admit) feel disgusted and possibly jealous when he gives her affection.
-I've always hated the bio mom and though that's gotten better over the years since I no longer compete w her, there's still residual anger and sadness that I feel may come out onto the child, even though I try very hard to be sweet to her.
-I feel "over" bringing up a little kid again, and doing little kid things now that my teens are older. Further, I don't feel motivated to do then because I don't feel like I am getting to raise this child the way I want to. I understand she's not mine and he has to do his thing but ugh....the things he does make me crazy, and despite trying hard to shut my big mouth, I inevitably say something and we fight.
-He's a fine dad....loving, caring, etc but has a really different style. Very soft, easy, as opposed to my way, which is more strict, w more boundaries.
-Just for a taste of the issues: his 6 year old, though very sweet, doesn't eat properly,l(white food diet) is falling behind academically, and generally looks like a mess when she goes out, because he doesn't seem to care that much about clothes/hair.
I love this man and we have been through hell and back to be together. I know that I cannot keep criticizing his parenting but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. I know he wants the happy blended family but mostly, I just want the kid away from me so I don't have to deal
I don't like how my partner
I don't like how my partner parents her and the amount of endless babying and attention she gets. It's gross. She's going to turn into a spoiled brat. I don't like having no real control over how she's being raised
I understand. My partner, as
I understand. My partner, as well as his family, totally Baby his child from a previous marriage. Like, it’s crazy (to me). SO caters to her every need, packing food/drinks to her on the couch and picking up after her. If she wants ice cream and pizza rolls for breakfast, that’s what she gets. Goes out in public/school looking a hot mess. Doesn’t bath/brush teeth for days. No chores, no rules, no consequences. Has completely unlimited time on her iPad, iPod, iPhone, tv. Etc etc etc. Totally not my parenting style and totally done with the behaviors that have came from that parenting style. Totally hard to raise our 2 younger children with a different parenting style (rules). It was a mess. The home was chaos. I get it. It was very very hard for me to sit and watch...
Do you end up stepping in and
Do you end up stepping in and helping parent in your style? I'm sure since you already had kids he's used to having a step parenting style where he gets to be the first to person and is now doing that with his own child. If you're stepping in and parenting for him then stop and make him deal with it himself.
My SO used to act like he didn't know how to deal with dressing and taking care of his daughter's hair because he's a man and that's stuff a woman should do. It caused some pretty serious fights at first but I would let him know she wasn't dressed/looking appropriate to go out and expect him to fix it if I was going with them. He figured it out.
I definitely chime in w my
I definitely chime in w my way because they live in my original apt. I don't allow food to be eaten in every room, messes left all over the place, etc. As for her dress/appearance, I try to do some of that, esp if I'm going to be out w them. The bm also doesn't care how she's dressed/hair/teeth and my so will defer to me but doesn't really get it. He thinks "kids are kids" but I think kids are also a reflection of their caretakers!
I can imagine how hard this
I can imagine how hard this is. My partner and I started out with an open relationship - he was full fledged poly when I started going out with him and I had been in a long affair that carried on after my separation, so I do get the mixed emotions that come with that. So I'm sure you have some lingering resentment issues especially if you really didn't like the other woman. It's hard to fully separate that from the way you feel about the kid, but it sounds like you're trying.
A lot of this really does sound like different parenting styles. And I can tell you - the white food thing - my son is like that. It's frustrating... and eventually I just kinda gave in. Partly because I had this whole residual thing from my own childhood and food issues that really messed me up. And the ragamuffin thing - yeah, I just don't really care. I dress for work or special events, but mostly I look pretty shambolic. So does my kid.
When my partner came along - he had different standards. Mainly on the veggie front. We've made some progress. But it wasn't as if I didn't WANT my son to eat veggies, gosh I love vegetables and I was pretty sick of having to do separate dishes - and having a new partner helped me to re-double my efforts. As to the street urchin styling - if anything his kids are dressed more shabbily (partly because they're harder on clothes). But obviously these are boys and so long as their hair is cut short, it doens't really matter. So the couple things you mentioned - I don't sweat those things and maybe your partner doesn't either?? Dunno.
But our boys are all about the same age, so we CAN treat them really consistently. And we spent a long time at the beginning talking about what things we would do and what we wouldn't.
You live in this house, too - so if his parenting style is driving you crazy - then you need to have a 'family conference' perhaps with professional help to get those house rules sorted. And maybe get some therapy yourself to help you navigate what's not cool with you about the way your house is run and what is just lingering resentment. You seem to be pretty self aware but this kid still has 2/3rds of her childhood to go and 12 years is a long time to feel simmering anger - and she doesn't deserve to spend half her time with every hug given the side-eye either.
Thank you for understanding.
Thank you for understanding. I've actually done a lot of therapy around the issues re the bm and have come a long way! Somehow, this was a lot easier when sd was a baby. Now, it just feels dreadful as sometimes, I can swear I can see the steely eyes of that bitch looking back at me.
Me and my SO try to be on the same page but yeah.....his style is generally his style in life. We are total opposites but it wasn't a problem before there was a kid involved, one that every day feels like she's getting messed up because of him. In actuality, she's probably fine but it's just not my way so it makes me very uncomfortable. He knows all of this.
How much are we stepparents supposed to look the other way and bite our tongues?
It sounds like you have put a
It sounds like you have put a lot of work into this relationship and it isn’t one you are willing to let go of- so you have 2 options: 1) just ignore it and disengage- the kid will be fine 2) take more control and take over more of the parenting yourself (if this all is really driving you to your breaking point but you are unwilling to leave).
it sounds like right now you are in limbo and that in itself is making you miserable. I think you either need to step up or let it go.... and be at peace with what you choose. You need to accept that he isn’t going to parent how you want him to, it isn’t his style.... it just isn’t him. You love him in other ways because of these same traits.
Have you guys tried couples counseling to get on the same page? Maybe if you both make some compromises you will find more peace.