first time “SM”/Silent Treatment
Hi! This is my first post! I'm so sorry for the scattered post that I'm about to make lol
I (24yo) have been with my 28yo boyfriend for about 8 months now and he has a 4yo daughter. recently, baby mama and her boyfriend went on a trip with my boyfriends daughter. they left the 22nd of November and just got back two days ago. They were supposed to come back two weeks after they'd left. Supposedly, they went on a road trip to MA to see the baby mamas boyfriends family for thanksgiving. Things didn't go as planned (car troubles and such) and baby mama kept letting my boyfriend know that he wasn't going to be able to see his daughter on the weekends that he has with her VERY last minute. it happened about 3 times. my boyfriend was extremely stressed, sad and frustrated about not seeing his kid. they got back on friday and we got to hang out with his kid this weekend and everything went well.... until his daughter got picked up by baby mama. her and her boyfriend came to pick up the kid. baby mama kept told my bf that she and her boyfriend were just on there way back from his parents house that live 30 min away from us... my bf was confused bc he thought they'd went to see his parents out in MA.... he was talking about it to me and his friend about and was getting super annoyed with the fact that baby mamas boyfriends family lives out here.. i said something that i didn't mean to come out so harshly. i told him "who cares what happened out there. at least she's(his daughter) back now. that's all that matters!" and he just said "yeah i guess you're right." a wile after that talk is noticed he was upset. i asked if he was okay and he said he was fine. he CLEARLY wasn't fine. i asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he just said "who cares. she's back now. that's all that matters." he has now been giving me the silent treatment for an hour and idk what to say. i know what i said was pretty rude and uncalled for but i genuinely don't know how to apologize. he gives me the silent treatment every time i say something a little mean. i just want him to talk to me about it. this is my first time having a boyfriend that's also a dad and idk what to do.
I think
this was one of those moments where the better response is something like "You are right to be concerned. There seems to be some lying going on. What do you think you should do about this?" Or something like that. This is one of those things where the what does matter because they were gone for a month. Were they in jail? Where was the kid? Who were they with?
As a parent, if my kid disappeared for a month I would be freaking out. Then if I found out that I had been lied to during that time I would wonder why there was a need to lie and also what happened on that trip. Honestly I would be making doctor's appointments for my kid and investigating on the sly to find out what happened. Even if my adult kids disappeared for a month I would freak out, let alone a four year old!
we talked about it endlessly
we talked about it endlessly every day she was gone. he got pictures of the kid via facebook messenger every day and she seemed happy. he even facetimed his kid and she was her happy little self. it was just one of those things where it's like "okay but we don't have to worry about it anymore because she back and she's safe now." it just came out super wrong.
On the silent treatment
that is unacceptable. Tell him to knock it off.
BM was in contempt of court
BM was in contempt of court by withholding his child for 3 weekend visits, and on top of that, she was clearly lying about the reason why. He has every right to be concerned that this is going to become a pattern and what he should do about it.
You were wrong for snapping at him, and he's wrong for giving you the silent treatment.
NO set custody rules
Oh i forgot to mention. BM's mom has custody of the kid. Ann and my bf have no set "rules" or whatever and they've just been doing the same thing for years when it comes to seeing the kid. I know he was right to be concerned. I was also concerned. I'm new to this kid stuff and I genuinely thought just seeing her and having her back would be enough to make him happy. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I'm still being ignored. I apologized via text and he said he feels like he can't talk to me about kid struggles. I told him he could talk to me and that i was extremely sorry for responding so harshly. he never responded. he's currently sleeping on the couch. This feels like some messed up manipulation tactic. I don't know what to do.
It is manipulation. Just
It is manipulation. Just ignore him and go about your business. Don't chase him, for sure.
Yes, the silent treatment to
Yes, the silent treatment to you is a manipulation tactic. It's likely one he used on BM which is probably partly why they aren't together anymore. It's one thing to need space and not want to talk about something for a while, but to go completely silent while being passive aggressive isn't okay.
Additinally, you're young and naive to steplife. There's nothing wrong with that. That does mean you aren't going to be a bastion of knowledge for your BF. What he needs is a lawyer and a dad's forum or support group. He can't expect you to know what is going on if he doesn't even have a court order in place giving him rights to see his child.
If he is upset, he needs to get off his butt and do something about it. As for how you react, a simple "I'm sorry this is so tough" should suffice. You're not a parent or stepparent, so expecting more from you is ludicrous.
Amen to all of this!
Amen to all of this!
What does he expect from his GF of 8months who is childless and 24 years old?
Frankly, any man that hasn't bothered with a proper parenting plan or some type of formal, legal agreement is the type of man that is either lazy or lack boundaries, or both. You'll want neither as you continue down this road, trust me. If you're going to date a man with kid/s, at least date one who knows/enforces some boundaries and has the good sense to gain some legal protection
Yes, you should not have
Yes, you should not have snapped at him. But I'm going to guess that he's been bitching and moaning about this every day for a solid month, yet he hasn't done a G#$damn thing about it. The fact that he refuses to get a court order and would rather wallow in his victimhood is another red flag. And the final red flag? He's ignoring you for days after a very minor spat. Just imagine his reaction if this were a real conflict!
This is still the first year of a very new relationship. This is his very best behavior. Reflect on that. Because he is capable of much, much worse. If this is his "best" I think you can do far better.
This is why nailing any
This is why nailing any violation of the Custody/Visitiation/Support order with a contempt motion or in this case... a kidnapping charge has to happen.
IMHO this is a big deal and is far more than a "who cares, she is back now" infraction.d
Your SO should not be taking his angst out on you... but.... your minimizing the event isn't helpful or supportive IMHO.
Good luck.
Is it possible the parents are divorced?
Is it possible the boyfriend's parents are divorced and one lives out of state and the other closer? If so, there is no lying, only a bit of miscommunication.
Why does BM's mother have custody? Why is there no formal visitation order? Since there isn't one, BM didn't violate any custody orders. Please look long and hard at this relationship. What kind of an adult lets his mother in law have custody of his child?
As far as the silent treatment, that has nothing to do with you being in a step situation and everything to do with how your SO handles disagreements in a relationship. Are you sure he is worth it?
Is
His Parents are divorced.
They've been divorced for YEARS. His parents are both unsupportive, but his mom is the worst. She was abusive to him and his siblings and he hasn't spoken to his mom in years. BM's mom has custody solely because she has the time to watch the kid and because BM lives with her mom. My BF is scared to take BM to court because she thinks he'll ask him for more child support. They don't even have court ordered child support set up. he just pays her $300 a month to keep her at bay. He won't take her to court because he doesn't want to fight with her.. idk.
I meant babymama's boyfriend's parents
If BM's boyfriend's parents are divorced - she and her boyfriend could have been visiting one of his parents out of state and then visiting the other one in state.
As to your boyfriend - this is not a good situation and it is not one a responsible man would take in regards to his own child. If child support is not set up through the court, BM can take him to court for back child support and all the money he has already given can be considered a gift. He needs to grow up and man up and get a lawyer and get custody and child support set up through the court.
Please consider long and hard whether this is the right man for you. Do you want to be with a man who is so afraid of a previous girl friend that he won't go to court to set up official custody and child support? He was 24 when his kid was born, it is not like he was a teenager. Until things are official, he is going to always be at her mercy.
He's 28 and Gramma has
He's 28 and Gramma has custody? That's not a good sign..
Gramma
It's the mother of bm that has custody, right? You're still young. Think about all your options. Silent treatment.....hmmmmm, life is too short to walk on eggshells in your own home. Keep your sanity by getting out and about with old friends, try new hobbies, visit with your family. You get the picture. This guy is taking his frustration out on you. Time to step away and protect yourself.
Please do yourself a favor
Please do yourself a favor and find a viable adult to make a life with rather than this infantile ball-less wonder.