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First Post, It's a Doozey

MrMcBride's picture

Hello everyone,

I just stumbled across this site and have been reading many of your contributions and I have say, wow.  Such a connected spirit and sense of community so I'm going to get a lot off my chest as briefly as possible (there's a whole mountain of it.)  Please do not judge me too harshly, I know all the missteps I took to land me where I am and I've accepted responsibility for where I am and the work needed in rebuilding my own trust in myself on decision making abilities.  Here goes...

Met my wife when she was currently married with 2 incredible kids.  They were 2 and 3 at the time.  How we felt about each other was just, magical, I dunno how else to explain it.  The world stood still when I saw her, even up until not too long ago (3-4 weeks now).  She melted my heart.  Woman of my dreams.

I've never had any interest in dating a married woman and I viewed men who did that as morally inept.  I regret it, have regretted it, and still do.  That mistake, I have to live with and I  will never make that mistake ever again.  I even tried calling it off because I felt terrible but just could not distance myself from her no matter how hard I tried.  She made it seem like such a loveless marriage and he was a terrible husband and father, always working, never showing her or her kids any healthy attention.  I was with her for 6 months before she filed for divorce.

Within those 6 months, I had already been introduced to her mother and father and my now, 2 amazing stepkids.  Her immediate family was not very supportive of her choice to leave the marriage but once they met me, they made me feel special and welcomed.  Within 1 month they even gifted me with a truck, for just being an awesome person.  They made me feel special, compliments and gifts and wonderful companions to have in my life.

Things progressed rapidly.  I ended up working in their family business within a year, they signed a loan to secure a house (I eventually took that over after enough job history).  We ended up marrying a little over 2 years in and it was just an incredible experience.  Her mom even gave me the grandmother's wedding band for my wife to have at our wedding.  We had our own child shortly after and him alone was worth every single thing that happened, ironically right after his birth.  I could go into detail about how everything suddenly changed for days on end.  I've debated writing a book to describe it as it involves narcissism, sociopaths, triangulation, borderline personality disorders, alcoholism (HUGE component to my story by far), and many other incredibly frustrating dysfunctions.

Drinking was a staple in this life.  It was every where, every time, every occassion.  Brunch?  Alcohol.  Watch TV?  Alcohol.  Even work had alcohol.  Shots at the end of a shift and maybe a few during.  It was bad.  I grew up with zero alcohol in my home.  Never saw my parents drink a drop until I was an adult (after they had their own divorce).  Even then, my family never abused it.  I never had alcohol in my apartment for 10+ years, was very rare to even have beer in my fridge when I was on my own.  This was a sudden change of pace and with the limelight of the lifestyle I was suddenly in, I became to drink with them.  Every occassion.  There was a stint of sobriety for an entire year, near the end of our marriage, where I knew it was causing me issues and I was not proud of myself for the amount I consumed. 

That year went, and chaos was still engulfing my life by the hands of her family.  They quickly turned on me and completely attemped to break me down for almost 2 years over telling them no twice.  That's it, I told them I wouldn't do something because I was not comfortable with giving them what they wanted.  One of those times was on the exact same day my son was born too, no less. 

I stopped going to family functions because it was miserable to listen to how they badmouthed everyone that worked for them then watch as they were so nice to that same person the next day.  Every day they would scream and yell at each other over the most trivial things.  For example, my brother-in-law bought the wrong type of lightbulbs for their trucks, not even a lot of them, just a dozen.  I mean yell too, not an exaggeration.  Just fought constantly and always micromanaging every single person who works for them, including me.  Once I told them no, the harrassment came my way daily, if not hourly near the end.  I kept my door to my office closed.  Me doing that was their last straw and they broke me down.

The real thing that was the most debilating was...my wife.  She never said or did anything.  We would just talk about what I experienced, and then we would fight!  I would drink because that's what we did.  I always knew it wasn't the right choice as my drink count rose exponentially and dangerously.  I stopped, a whole year, my wife continued.  She also continued to never take my side or defend me in the face of these people.  I didn't expect her to charge in, leading the way with sword held high...but something....anything?  All I received was more tension in my marriage.  The more tension, the more alcohol seemed to help and I fell off the year long wagon.  Up until a week ago I have stopped my abuse of it.  I honestly thought I had become a true blue alcoholic, I can honestly tell you right now, I am not. 

My wife and I had our last real fight on Easter where she said a very critical, relationship breaking statement.  Many times previous to this, I did issue the ultimatum..."Them of me."  She picked them and proceeded to cut me down to my core after I told her I was done, with 100% certainty.  She said I had caused permanent harm to our children and I was toxic, violent, mean, abusive, manipulative, controlling and worse of all, ungrateful to her family for all they've given me...I've never been told this before by anyone and it hurt. Still hurts.  I dealt with her family for almost 5 years in this state and I tolerated it for much longer than anyone should ever have to endure.  I never left their business because I lived, much like her right this second, in fear of biting the hand that feeds.  They did provide good pay, the schedule to have a comfortable family life for school schedules and many many cash bonuses that were substantial.  $100 Fridays were my favorite and don't forget about the random $1000 cash handshake a few times a year.  Christmas was awesome too!  How could I support my family outside of such generosity without having to work hard? 

It was never a gift, it was a deal with the devil(s).

I told her I was done.  Probably the 3rd time I've said it, but this time was different.  I meant it.  How do I know?  I promised her that I would protect my family from any harm.  Even if that harm was me, I would remove that threat.  I accept responsibility for my drinking, tolerating, becoming bitter in the face of what was inevitable.  I knew I would lose but I never left.  The moment I did I became me again, almost instantly.  No more social fear, no more fear of her family, no more doubts about who I know I was and am.  I've live in fear, but this fear was different.  It was backed with motivation because I knew I had a path to walk instead of being aimless and drowning it out with a terrible substance.  My stepchildren still loved me, I knew it, my child loved me, I knew that too.  We rarely fought in front of our kids and I never abused them by any means other than allowing things I couldn't change to change me.

Now, as of writing this, my soon to be has convinced her ex husband that I am the problem.  I am the violent one, I am the one causing issues.  How do I know?  She banned me from seeing them, this was after I had to call the police because she barricaded herself in my son's room while screaming "Help!  He's choking me!" - Crazy, right?  I could go into another day to day discussion on all of this.  Police came, she told them I didn't choke her.  They said no crime, and left.  No report filed, but you better believe I am working with the officer to get all the details of that night.  During a divorce, all she needs to do is falsly accuse me of abuse to get temporary protective orders and custody of my child.  She's lost it and is losing it.

She's hit me square in my chest twice, arms, pushed me numerous times...I've never even touched her to defend myself.  I knew what she was doing and I am still taking active measures to prevent this and even escalated attempts of possibly worse allegations.  Yes, I know...I need to file my own protective order, but I am having a really hard time facing that guilt even though I know I did nothing wrong.  Even not doing it gives me guilt because I am not protecting my child, it's very tough.  Next day after the fiasco...she told her exhusband that I am unstable, has told her friends I am abusive (verbally at least).  I don't care to clear my name but I did reach out to her exhusband.  Not to clear my name, but for what is best for the kids.  I told him he was doing the right thing by keeping the kids at his place but I am not the threat here.   She does not know this.  She will not even give me his number because it is innappropriate.  She does not know that I am aware she is putting all of this on me.  Even more frustrating but I feel good by asking for his number every few days and listen to her lie.  

What a first post?  I am really struggling with not being able to see my stepkids.  I love those kids, I would die for them this very second if they were in danger or needed anything.  I know they love me too.  Sitting back and not being able to do much, even telling them the truth of everything without slandering their mother is incredibly hard.  I can only hope that given enough time, the truth will rise.  Given enough time, their mother will find help and make things right.  If not, I am glad to have been there for them and I am glad they have been there for me.  I can only hope they do not become bitter towards me, especially going through this divorce.  They will more than likely have to move as their mother cannot afford to after a 50/50 split.  She refuses to sell the house and uses them as a tool for guilting me into wanting what I need to support my own child and start our life.  I know she has the money hidden, trust me, I've seen what her family does.  I hope they come through for my wife, she picked them over having an intact family with me.  I respect that, I wished she did too.  I really wished she would not use them as a way to harm me.  That wound is very painful but I will not flinch to give her the satisfaction.  It is downright wrong.

 

marblefawn's picture

When you got involved with her, you dove into the whole family. And they aren't a healthy family. The important thing is you got out.

A lot of our spouses choose others over us -- that's one reason why we're on this site.

But in fairness to your wife, look at the family from which she came. She doesn't even have the tools to be a good partner to you or anyone because she came from such chaos and she's still up to her ears in it.

You can't fight all of them and you can't fix any of them. I know you love the skids, but you might just have to let this go. The kids will likely be poisoned against you just like they were their dad. If this happens, just make a clean break and put your life back together. Unfortunately, the kids will likely become part of that dysfunction because it will be all they know.

I come from a difficult family. I am just learning how many bad choices I made with that background and how money was used to manipulate us. I didn't see any other way. She's probably in the same boat.

tog redux's picture

Listen - not only have you lost your stepkids, you are in grave danger of losing your own child. Do not take this lightly. Research parental alienation and get a very good attorney who understands it. 

This kind of person does not go back to being the woman she was before because that was an illusion. This person you see is her. 

Get the order of protection. Get her behavior on video. Stop feeling sorry for this woman, she will take your son from you and make your life hellish. 

 

MrMcBride's picture

BPD, Narcissistic, Addict.  It's why I called the cops, to protect myself and to start the process.  I have plenty of measures in place currently and am keeping them hidden so she cannot circumvent them.  This site alone is a good place for me to establish proof of her intent, among many videos and audio recordings.  It's very scary, and it's very hard to do what I am about to do....Today at 4:30pm I am talking to the police officer to get a full informational report and ask if I can issue a protective order.  Guilt rattles me, even though I know what she would do to me if given the chance.  I have to protect myself, my stepkids, and my own child from her.  Her actions are unlimited as to what she'll do but all I can do it prepare and hope it was enough to prevent.  

Thanks for your concerns too, if there's anything else I can do that I'm not aware of...I would gladly listen to any advice you have.

Djmaxx's picture

God, what a read.. I am sorry you are going through all this.

another take, I love my parents so much but if they were acting unfairly I would surely say something to them. If my partner approached the topic with my badly I could imagine myself being defensive over them as I love them so much and could possibly be blind sighted by that. 

She needs to recognize that you are feeling hurt by her fams and act on it before she looses everything!

maybr pull her aside and have a heart to heart about how her family are making you feel but try not to sound too accusing just take it lightly and try see if she will back you?

i love myfamily more than anything in this world so I feel how she could be defensive. Tell her that you two are a team and she has to look after you too.

good luck.

MrMcBride's picture

This site has helped me greatly, more than you'll know so thank you all for your input. I can tell that no one wants to share their situation or open themselves up to be criticized. 

Take this to heart. I struggle still hearing that I had any wrong actions that led me here. This is actually the first post I've ever had where I didnt feel overwhelmingly defensive for anyone thus far saying I put myself here or I'm blaming others when the fault is mine.  

When we are in chaos, all we see is chaos. Your sense of direction is almost if not completely gone.  The moment I stepped away, I saw what I've allowed, I saw what my actions created, I saw exactly the world I continued to accept. It is very easy, especially when you feel you are a good person trying to right by your spouse and blended family. My step kids love me, that may change, it may not. Accepting it helps me make clearer decisions, almost instantly puts me in a less chaos filled world and equips me with better logical thinking. 

I appreciate you all and hope I can bring help to this as well. Being a step parent is extremely hard and is extremely different for each family. Just ask yourself if your spouse recognizes that or gives you an eye roll. The are the only person capable of helping the hardships we face.