First of all, let me say how grateful I am to have found this site! I have a couple of close friends I talk about about my situation, but I don't think they fully understand, if only because they don't have step kids of their own.

I guess I'll start at the beginning...

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and a couple for 11 years. We met a year after his divorce was completely finalized. I have no children of my own; he has a now 24-year-old daughter. When we first started dating, of course he told me all about her, and it was obvious what an involved and devoted father he was. In fact, despite the divorce, he would visit with her up to 4 days a week, including at least 1 or 2 weekend days (no divorce is 100% amicable, but his was about as much as one could be, so the frequent visits were okay with the ex). While I knew all about his daughter, she knew nothing about me. In fact, he waited until we were dating a full 8 months to introduce us. I had dated a divorced man with a 16-year-old son previously, and there had been no issues, so I went into meeting my guy's daughter with a positive and hopeful outlook. This was dashed pretty quickly during our first meeting, when she refused to acknowledge me in any way, and then stormed out of the room (both of which he said nothing to her about, then, or later). I didn't see her again until several months later, when he brought me to a family get-together that she was also attending. To make a long story short, she made a giant scene, and became hysterical, all because I was there. She did this 3 other times, including once in a crowded train station, at the conclusion of which, she ran off, leaving him to chase after her. Again, he said nothing to her during, or after these outbursts, not even privately, and I was of course, left to feel that they were my fault. To be honest, I was also kind of angry with him, because I felt he was condoning this kind of behavior by not calling her out on it. By the time the final public incident happened, she was already 14, and in my opinion, way too old to be acting in such a way.

To make a long story short, his daughter and I didn't see each other for 3 years after that. My guy claimed that he spoke with a "counselor" who told him that the best solution was to keep us separated (like fighting animals, I wondered?). I've spoken to therapists in the past, and never once have I heard them offer such a solution, but didn't feel I was in much of a position to argue this. In any case, we started to slowly be introduced to each other again, and all of a sudden, I got word from my guy that she wanted me to attend her high school graduation. I was surprised, happy, but also, a little bothered. No one had ever apologized for the nonsense that had gone on, the three of us had no conversations of any kind, but now, suddenly, everything was okay?! I didn't get it, but in the name of making peace, I went, and was happy to do so.

Since then, at least outwardly, things have been better, but the truth is that I still have hard feelings. She even told me she loved me for the first time 3 years ago. I feel like that should have made me happy, but to be honest, I felt next to nothing. I have an emotional block when it comes to her that I can't undo. I also don't think I like her as a person. She has some decent qualities, as most people do, but she's also incredibly selfish, self-centered, frivolous to the point that talking to her for extended periods gives me a migraine, and very immature for her age. Also, thanks to her parents, she accepts no responsibilty for anything, and barely knows how to take care of herself, because they were way too easy on her growing up (she never had to do any chores, was given pretty much anything she wanted, and was given way more control over certain situations than a young teenager should have been allowed to have been given, which has also made her very manipulative). Spending time with her is draining, because I feel like I always have to put on an act, in order to avoid allowing my true feelings to show. My husband suspects how I feel about her. While he doesn't say it, I can tell, and I know it hurts him. At the same time, he has always expected me to just love her automatically, and I think that's unrealistic.

And it gets even more complicated....

I don't think that all of her behavior and ways are entirely her fault. I believe she's on the autism spectrum, specifically with Asperger's Syndrome. She exhibits every single one of the signs of it, and looking  back, she always has. Why her parents never acknowledged it, or sought treatment for her, I don't know, especially since when I finally got up the nerve to tell my husband about these concerns and showed him the list of symptoms, he also agreed that she had all of them. This complicates things for me emotionally, because I feel like I'm a bad person for disliking her if the way she is isn't entirely her fault.

Without getting into all the details, there's also a chance she may have to come and live with us in the future. Me, my adult stepdaughter, and my husband, all living together in the one bedroom co-op we just purchased (she'd have to live in my living room). This is a prospect I am not looking forward to, especially when this 24 year old has to be asked 18 times to do something as simple as putting a dirty dish in the sink.

My feelings in general regarding this situation, and my feelings about my stepdaughter, are so twisted and upsetting. Still, it feels good to be able to vent without judgment, so if you've read this far, thanks.