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First day of school "Told ya so" moment

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I got a call at my job around 1130-12 thismorning saying that SD was being non-compliant with the kindergarden teacher, then proceeded to vomit in the classroom. (They couldn't reach my wife.) No fever, but needed to be picked up. I responded with my wife's boss's desk number, and went about my day.

Who would have thought not teaching rules and structure could lead to such a thing?

Rage vomiting is a new low though, I wonder what discipline she puts into effect when they get home.

notarelative's picture

Who would have thought 'let kids be kids' would result in this? Not your wife.

I foresee more calls from the school. Even if this school call results in a wake up call for your wife, it is going to take time and consistency to reverse the child's behavior.

 

Merrywey's picture

Be a pity if the poor kid is still sick tonight and yaks in your work shoes. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Over time, I've noticed that you are the 1 in 100,000 step parents who are not only willing, but happy, to have someone walk into your home and take a dump directly on your face.

You've got to have a backbone merry, or you'll be pushed around until you die. Do you have any actual personal wants? Or do you only want what your husband and stepchildren want, like a good little 60's housewife? 

Merrywey's picture

Brand of meanest to make fun of a sick kid.  Don’t worry about my spine. ETA: u have a very poor opinion of women in general don’t u?

ashes54's picture

That's assuming you believe/think the kid is sick. A lot of people get so worked up they throw up. Sounds like based on what the school said when they called, the child was being disruptive in class and worked herself up real good.

I don't see where OP is making fun of the kid in any way.

justmakingthebest's picture

As a younger child my son was a puker when he got upset. He wasn't sick, he would just puke. 

shamds's picture

she cries so hard she’ll vomit and it take 10seconds of crying.

so it pissed me off big time if her half siblings enjoyed making her cry or trying to make her cry... 

now it happens rarely...

Exjuliemccoy's picture

The OP never made fun of his skid. In fact, his posts always seem factual and unemotional, which I appreciate.

 

tog redux's picture

He has every right to have a poor opinion of the woman he married.

Or are you calling 5-year-olds women now?

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I have a very high opinion of women actually. My wife and I split responsibilities (except those pertaining to her child). She works and makes just as much as me if not slightly more.

When it's not dealing with her child, she's very independent and pursues her own interests, and I think that's great.

You merry, you don't have a high opinion of women. You force your "imaginary stepparent rules and regulations" expectations upon them on this site.

Hence (60's obidient housewife).

Trying to Stepmom's picture

My SD is a puker. She’s not as bad now, but she would work herself up so much when she was with us that she’d puke when she got back to BM’s house. Not even always a tantrum but DH and I thought that she would make herself feel so guilty about enjoying herself with us that it just ate her up.

I’m not generally a heartless person but I rarely felt/feel bad when SD got/gets sick. Except for the time we both had the stomach flu on Christmas. 

ashes54's picture

Dealing with school behavior issues is one of those things that really bothers me when it comes to the skids. First week of school here SS9 got into a fist fight with a group of kids, 2 other boys and a girl, as well as stealing supplies from his classroom. The whole story was ridiculous but I got the phone call and let his dad deal with it. I don't want to be bothered with any of it, I just let their dad pick them up when it's needed and have to face the school, not my problem.

Glad you directed the school to your wife as well! 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I got off the phone with my wife and she said "She gets headaches sometimes and gets sick". No response to the disregard for the teacher.

....

Not once in 3 years has this kid got sick from a headache. Very often the child has "REEE" fits when she doesn't get what she wants.

A part of me is happy to see reprocussions on my wife, another part feels bad for the kid. 

Merrywey's picture

Not high school.  Lots of reasons  for the pukes at that age. If I were mom i’d Remove him from the schools contact list.

ndc's picture

Gee, I suspect he'd be happy to be removed from that list.  It's tough to have responsibility for a child when you are not given corresponding authority.

tog redux's picture

LOL!  "OK, that's it. For refusing to act like the other parent, which you aren't, I'm removing you from the list so no one else will ask you to act like the other parent either!"

 

Rags's picture

My applause for the teacher that kicked the tantrum throwing puker out of class.  Time for more teachers and schools to put behavioral issues back on the parents where they originated.

My guess is that this is a result of DW not applying much in the lines of discipline historically so my guess is that there will be little disciplined applied this evening based on this new manipulation tactic.  My response would be to swat the kid on the rump, let them know that rage vomiting will result in her cleaning up her own puke and then having to sit with her nose in a corner until her behavior aligns with reasonable.

Buy a drool bucket, hang it around her neck and let her know that if she can't keep her tantrums under control that she can wear the drool bucket to school so that she does not make a mess when she throws a tantrum and has the manipulative pukes.  No need for a large bucket, just something that makes a point and differentiates her from the more calm classmates.

When my little brother came home from being born, I was 6yo and started wetting the bed and falling out of bed at night.   Dad put me in a diaper and I slept on a pallet on the floor instead of in bed.  That lasted one night. I took off the diaper, put away the pallet and never wet my bed or fell out of it again.  When SS was 6-ish he started wetting the bed.  We put him in a diaper and he wore it in public, at home, etc.... That lasted one weekend. He took it off, told us he would not wet the bed again and didn't.

If there is no medical cause for the pukes, etc.... then application of consequences that change the behavior is what needs to happen. 

IMHO of course.

 

Swim_Mom's picture

great reaction to tell them to call her boss. Leaving work to pick up a kid, whether sick or not, is something only a parent does in my opinion. If I got a call from SS's school (which I would not, since I'm not a contact to my knowledge) unless I had absolutely nothing going on (which happens never) no way would I put a Skid before my career. Hell no.

MissJulsie's picture

OP I support you. No one on this post agrees with anything Merreywey says. Don't pay any attention to her. She's just being antagonistic for the sake of it. Other step-parents on this site have called her out for secretly being a bio mother, who is bitter and has a vendetta against step-parents in general. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

An update.

1. Merrywey is a bag of hatred and resentment, built up over years of holding her actual feelings in about her own situation. She eventually snapped and became a "you gotta deal with hell it for the children who aren't yours" robot.

2. She vomited on the way to before school daycare. Wife took her to urgentcare, the PA said no fever, no signs of a virus. Her Mom took her home. She has successfully linked vomiting in the morning to spending the day off from school with Mommy. When my wife called me, I could hear her child shouting in the background, having a great time on her tablet watching youtube. Jesus. It's going to be an all out war when I have to teach my own daughter that we are better than that.

I read over my post and it's like "this sounds like a man who's trolling us"(only not-so-merrywey) But I can't make this up. It's hilarious, sad, and ridiculous at the same time.

MissJulsie's picture

I actually wrote to administration about Merreywey. They said they'd keep an eye out.

Anyway, moving on.

i have a question: did you confront your wife about the fact that you could hear your SD shouting happily in the background?

Have you thought of saying to your wife "I don't know why you're coming to me about this. You've caused this"

Was SD always like this?  What brought you to propose to your wife, under these circumstances?

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I don't have any domain over her behaviors, I got shut down on that front. Yes, I mentioned it to her, and she gives the permissive "she's just watching youtube".

It's hard to tell with kids this young, honestly. There are probably children who conform in school even with terrible parents.

 

Proposing to my wife though? It was nothing like this before. At all. We'd go out 4-5 times a week - alone. She'd spend half the week at my place - alone. I saw her child here and there, but there weren't any red flags flying until a year after the marriage. When SD's BF stepped back in, she really showed a scary side. It's like her personality flipped.

 

We now have a shared daughter, whom I have full reign of. It's weird that my wife will enforce nothing on her own daughter, but encourage me to enforce my own standards on my own young one, but not her's. I honestly think that she just wants to be the house of no rules so her daughter doesn't decide to go live with her dad.

pickles45's picture

MySO's daughter once "pucked" at school and do you know why I used air quotes? Becuase it was on a Friday that she was spending with us and she was invited to a sleepover bday party that night. She faked being sick at school so she could get out of going! She was sooo clingy and esperate to spend every second with her father she misse dout on fun activites. Once she skipped going ice skating with friends becuase it was on a night she was with him! Anyways I knew  the milisecond my SO told me when they got home that she had gotten sick at school that is was BS. He said to her "Well we will see how you feell in a few hours and see if you feel good enough to go".

Sure as shit as soon as 6pm hit (when the party had started and it was too late for her to go) she miraculasly felt better and ate dinner and was in a jolly old mood the rest of the night!

Harry's picture

DH phone number. Tell them NOT to call you.

fourbrats's picture

mixed feelings about the way the school handled the situation. Yesterday I had Kinders ( I work in a K-8 school) and during my time with them we talked about the rules, the importance of safety, etc. We had criers, one whiner, some pretty blatant breaking of the rules and one kid who looked like he was going to puke (he was also a crier lol). They are young, some are scared, some have only been with a parent before this, and so on. I am mindful of the littles. If she were 8? Yeah. I would send her butt to the principal's office for breaking the rules but Kinders are learning and I do not expect compliance Day 1. I don't expect compliance Day 10. By December I expect that 99% of the kids will have it down and I adjust my expectations as I get to know the kids. 

If I were in your SD's classroom I would have pulled her aside, gotten her to calm down pre-puke and we would have had a conversation abut what she was struggling with and why. And then thrown in some positive reinforcement each time she followed a new rule. 

Now, I did have to tell a group of 8th graders that they would get up and clean their tables. When they didn't comply I made it 100% clear that non compliance was not an option. So I am not a coddler at all. 

advice.only2's picture

I used to work with this woman and the school would call her every single day. She would sit on the phone and half heartedly explain away why her son couldn't follow the rules or be expected to behave. It was sickening to listen to. When all that didn't work and the school would demand a meeting or that she needed to come pick her kid up she would complain bitterly to all of us about how awful and rigid the school was being.
I figure her kid just needed a wide open field to go be feral in.

Survivingstephell's picture

Unfortunately the dynamic in place will eventually tear apart the relationships.  When things aren't fair, notice I said fair and not equal, resentment sets in.  Nothing is more destructive.  Husband resentful of wife's lack of parenting.  One sister resentful of unfair treatment of other sister.  As adults, sisters will have no relationship because one will be a total slacker and the other will eventually tire of her child like behavior from an adult.  

Enabling small children to not face reality and how to handle stress leads to incompetent adults.  Some of them grow up to be so full of themselves they think they can go onto forums that are not meant for them and spout off irrelevant advice that doesn't apply or pushes further the dysfunction they grew up with.  

OP, you did right by making the mother of said puker deal with it.  Keep doing it and raise your daughter to be an adult.  The other one will grow up to be a really tall child.  

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

The standard is really nuts sometimes.

What I will not tolerate, is something that own parents did not tolerate. You mentioned "incompetent adults". I expect an incompetent teenager, too.

What I will not allow (which has already been tried) is for incompetence to effect me (the child tantrum breaks her things, an iPad in one case). I didn't let my wife buy her a new one, and it was a huge fight. In the end, my wife's parents bought her another one(those things are crazy expensive). There will be no child living in our house past 18 unless they are attending school and living at home to save ME the money of a dorm. It's like I see it coming. It's going to be tried and tested. I wouldn't be suprised if her child came home pregnant as a teenager if this continues. It'd probably be relationship ending, because my nerves can only handle it to the point where it doesn't effect me personally.

There's a stigma right now where grandparents are the raisers and daycare providers of the world. Hellllll no. I grew up in a family of 3, we were all out at 18 - and totally independent. My parents would have helped with college if any of us asked, but none of us did. We all love and appreciate our parents and their struggles when we were growing up, and I'm going to raise our shared daughter to be the same. When the day comes for her daughter though, I can tell that there's a high probability of leeching, and I won't allow a cent to be taken out of our shared bank account.

I feel that 12 years down the line or less, this will be a major conflict.

Survivingstephell's picture

not Drac0 but I miss him too.   I do think all step parents should buy stock in Nutella though.  *lol*

MissJulsie's picture

I have some questions about your last few posts:

When you and your wife fought about replacing the I-pad that SD broke,  what points did she try and use to argue her case?

Also, you said that your wife is terrified of getting SD to do anything unpleasant. Have you tried sitting down and point blank confronting her about this?  She seems to be absolutely away with the fairies, and totally living in Noddy Land. You might have to snap her out of it by withholding all the goods things in a loving relationship (like affection, friendly chats etc) until she gets a wake up call.

Stop letting her get away with trying to smooth over incidents with lame excuses. Bring her up short, call her out on them, and explain why they're unacceptable. 

MissJulsie's picture

I realise that picking and bickering now might escalate to fights, which then might escalate to World War 3.   But, maybe that's what's needed to shake things up for some real change. Which will hopefully result in addressing these issues in marriage counselling. You'd be amazed at how your spouse isn't able to fob you off as usual with a third party right there. And often your complaints are heard in a different light when they're raised in that kind of public arena. Then no-one gets to wriggle out of anything. 

I reckon it should be mandatory for blended family couples to have weekly counselling anyway. It's a situation that's a higher level of difficulty, and should be treated as such. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Her points? She didn't really have arguable points. It was broken because SD kicked it out of bed when she was asleep multiple times, after being asked to place it on her nightstand multiple times. The charging port also got messed up, because when she'd fling it off the bed it'd rebound off of it's charger before it hit the floor.

So basically "I want to buy her this because I want to". "She's always watched youtube at night". "She doesn't bother us when she watches youtube." These points seem moot to me.

Yes, I mention it every single time I see something. "She isn't listening to you because you have no bite behind your bark" can probably be heard coming out of my mouth half a dozen times a day. At the end of the day, I tried to correct her child, and got the "she isn't yours to correct" snapped at me. I promise I'll never do it again, she's on her own.

MissJulsie's picture

I don't think you should let the "she isn't yours to correct" line ride. SD may not be your daughter, but she lives in the same house as you, and therefore everything she does impacts you. 

Did you read my other recent post just a minute ago about counselling?