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First “ours” baby coming!

callmemyname's picture

Hello! I am 25w1d with me and DH's first baby together. I am so beyond excited to finally get to meet the product of the relationship we have worked so so hard on. We are having a girl, and DH has a son, who is 7. He will be 8 when his sister is born. 
 

With that being said, what are some things I can do to make this pregnancy and birth really focused on me and DH? We have included SS in everything, including him walking out of our wedding ceremony between us holding our hands, as well as being the focal point of our gender reveal. He loves being included and loves feeling like a strongly bonded family. I don't want to take that away from him, but this IS my first baby, first birth, everything. I do want to make sure it's something I look back on and say "I did that for me and DH, not DH and SS."

 

I want DH to have a positive birth experience. I want to be heard and respected while going through this. 
 

How did you handle having your first "ours" baby?

ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure I 100% understand what you are asking.  Certainly, the baby doesn't become anything less than 100% the product of you and your DH.. but as all children born into a family.. this baby is not the first.. just can't be.. chronologically.. so that means likely including his son in the excitement of a new member of that family.

And.. while the baby isn't the FIRST child in the home.. that doesn't mean that she won't be just as special to you.. and of course your DH.  

I mean.. certainly, your ss won't be in the delivery room (please say that is not suggested.. lol).. he won't be in the birthing classes.. he wouldn't be involved in planning the nursery really would he? There are family aspects of having a child come into the home.. SS should be fully included in that kind of thing.. but there are couple things that would be just you and your DH.. Dr's appts.. and other stuff like that.. picking the name.. etc.. 

In the end, I don't think you will regret making his son feel inclusive to your growing family. and that is best case that he is also excited about having a sister and you won't experience a lot of the conflicts other step families have.

And.. while your DH went through this before.. this is the first time he has done it with you.. he loves you and loves the thought of you having a girl together.. But trying to angle for ways that you can compartmentalize things as a "trio" instead of a "quad" family unit.. may lead to some drama.. 

but maybe you can explain better what you mean about wanting things for yourselves better? because it seems that naturally there are things he won't be part of (as said above)?

 

callmemyname's picture

I think my major concern is just that he's been SO involved in things thus far, that he's going to feel left out if we do choose to do things without him. For example, taking the baby home to my parents' when she is new. I obviously want him to be a part of it, but I do know that DH feels the need to almost cater to SS when he is around. I know he was a complete rock for SS's mom when she has him, and I'm worried that me or baby will go on the back burner to keep SS happy. I want me and baby to feel just as important and loved as I know we make SS feel when he is here. I don't think I'm asking too much?

strugglingSM's picture

I don't think you have to correct for him feeling left out on everything. You can involve him in whatever things siblings would be involved in, but parents are still involved with a new baby in ways that siblings are not. I would be straight with your DH that you expect him to put you and your newborn first and make time for just the three of you, without SS. That doesn't mean kicking SS to the curb, but an 8 year old can wait and not be the center of attention for everything. It's normal for both parents to spend time just with the new baby....it's part of the bonding process and while other kids can feel left out, that doesn't mean the new baby has to be pushed aside to make them happy. It's okay to have uncomfortable feelings once in a while...he will survive. Maybe have your DH explain to him that new babies always get extra attention and he got extra attention when he was a new baby. 

Looking back, BM insisted that SSs be allowed to come over on the night DD and came home from the hospital and then told them (not DH) that they could stay the night at our house. MIL also invited herself over. I had a c-section and it was the middle of a pandemic. I should have put my foot down and said no. That's one piece of advice I would have, protect your space both for your newborn and for you as a new mother. You can have space for yourself and yourself and your baby that SS doesn't have to be part of. New mothers often get pushed aside because everyone wants to see the baby, but birth is a process and it can be difficult and traumatic, so mom needs to be cared for, too...and sometimes being cared for means you don't have to cater to everyone else while you're healing. 

stepmomnorth's picture

I think there will naturally be those "just you" moments. You and your partner can go shopping on some days you don't have your step child and pick out some fun and exciting new things for the baby. Stroller, crib, fun new outfits, high chair.. You will have some ultrasounds and doctor visits, hear the heart beat together. You can cherish those moments you have together, planning and thinking about bringing a new baby into this world together.

When the new baby comes I would try to carve out some time aside to be just the 3 of you, bonding. I think you will be able to strike a nice balance of having some time with your step son there and vice versa. You will be able to have a mixture of both.

You can also have a photo shoot, have some pictures taken with you and the baby, you and your partner, your partner and the baby, and then all 4 of you also, you get the drift. 

callmemyname's picture

Is making a point to do "us" things just the three of us selfish? I don't want to make SS feel unincluded, though I know an 8YO boy could probably care less about the things I THINK would be a big deal. 

stepmomnorth's picture

No, i don't think that it's selfish. He doesn't need to be included in every thing. It's ok to have times with just your new baby as well as times with just your step child. Both are healthy.

I think that you will be able to have a nice a balance. You will be including your step son in some things and he will be involved too, you can make him feel like a special helper and important. 

Rags's picture

mine genetically.  We met when he was 15mos old so other than the infant phase I have been all in on the whole experience. Diapers, broken arms, smashed teeth on curbs while learning to ride a bike, all night nebulizer and mediation treatements, etc, etc, etc...

So, my opinion is not inclusive of the actual "ours" element of your question.

That said, I would suggest that you not over analyze and do not over manage it. Enjoy the baby, enjoy forming as you, DH, and your baby bond, and set and manage the expectation that SS is part of it all ... when he is in  your home.  When he is not in your home, do not give a thought at all to his absence.  Engage when he is present, do your non Skid thing when he is not present.

That is what DW and I learned to do when SS was on SpermLand visitation.

Congrats on the baby.  Enjoy the ride!

callmemyname's picture

Thank you! I truly am doing my best to enjoy the ride. I didn't know I could want something so badly as I did when I first saw those two lines! 

Mamabearof3's picture

The birth will be something to easily not involve SS in. And now is a good time to start talking to DH about how to explain to SS his new role in the family and the boundaries with one another that will be enforced. Whatever those are. To ensure SS doesn't take any important time away from you and the baby for the few few months anyways. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

You don't want to end up like some of the people on here whose own child gets no attention when steps are around or with a DH who refused to do anything fun or nice when step isn't around because they'll miss out.

If you don't crack this now you will end up really bitter later on

Rags's picture

baby as well.

For the first few years of our marriage my DW pretty much refused to do much of anything when SS was in SpermLand on SpermClan visitation.  I was sensitive to her feelings on it... until I wasn't.  After  a while I just started informing her of when I was participating in trips with my family and that I wanted her with me but if she would not participate if those event fell on SS's SpermClan time, I was going without her.  

She agreed and never mised a RagsClan event from that point on whether SS was in SpermLand or not.  We of course did not specifically schedule those events when SS was on visitation. Sometimes the rest of the group was only available when SS was gone.  I did commit to my DW that if we did something that SS would have enjoyed that we would make every effort for the three of us to do it when he returned.  We pretty much were able to stick with that model though there were a few things over the years that we were not able to catch SS up on.

ESMOD's picture

Just like all parents.. your husband needs to figure out how to care for both his kids.. and give them each attention.. sure.. when he goes on a visit to your parents.. he will have to supervise his son.. but he can do that while he also holds the baby and talks to your parents.. it's not all mutually exclusive.

Otherwise, sometimes kids are with one parent.. sometimes with both.. be glad he is excited.. but understand that not every 8 yo will be spending all his time on baby things.. he will have his own life to live too.

Rags's picture

or infants.

If I recall the lecture correctly, the message was that I had already had my turn at those younger ages and would not be allowed to inferfere in their turn.  Neither would they be allowed to interfere in my turn to be hte age I was at the time. They would have their turn.

I am 6 and 8 years the elder compared to my younger brothers.  Though we lost the baby 50 years ago this year.

Harry's picture

Most SP feel selfish,  That they don't have that alone time with out kids.

 If you want to do thing with out SS. Then plan out your time.  As go shopping when SS is not there. Get a babysitter, to go for medical appointments. A 8 yo SS should not be at SM medical appointments.  This is not your Bio child.  
There are adult thing, kid things and family thing. You must keep these strate.  Not cross adult and family things.  Your DH must understand that things will now have to change. Baby's take a lot of time,care, effort.  He must schedule his time to take care of the baby each day.  What will take time away from SS.   In " normal " not second marriage,  this happens too.  Time must be divided up when there is a new member of the family.  
SS becomes the older brother. He should start crossing from the family baby. To the more grown up child. Given more responsibility and rewards for his effort.  
As he helps with the baby and gets a points in return and he can spend his points for things for himself.  I don't like giving money. So 10 points can egual $1 some days or $100 other days.  As $100 points egual to a Disney trip 

stepmomnorth's picture

Those all all such great points from Harry, so important and true! You can also have discussions with your step child when he is older. In the end, a fair balance is what works best. Everyone should have that special time with their parent and time with the whole family. That can be explained. You will never be able to include everyone in everything, nor is that healthy. 

Ruby88's picture

Huh? You treat him the way you would treat him as if he was your bio son because he is your husband's bio son

stepmomnorth's picture

And... That is exactly what I did with my bio kids. After the first babies were born and I had another baby... The toddlers didn't come with me everywhere I went shopping for baby stuff.. And still to this date now... I try to spend time with them all together but also spend time alone with them sometimes.. But also this a blended family where their son will be at another household sometimes and blended families have different dynamics no matter which way you look at it.