Finding this site saved me! I despise my ss4!!!!!!
I've been feeling like a monster. I can't love my ss. I can't like him. Most times I can barely look at him. For faults that are mine and his.
Long story short- My fiance found out this kid existed after he was already 2 years old. Me and him have a daughter. We're planning our life and we get hit with this. Start paying his trailer trash mom a TON of money every month. The only reason she told him he had a son was for the child support. So we Get an expensive lawyer. BM doesn't show up to court multiple times so we pay this big expensive lawyer for coming to court, many times for no reason. BM has no consequences. Finally get visitation with this nasty kid. He's gross. And I mean gross. Which isn't his fault. It's his stupid mothers fault. She taught him NOTHING. Well fast forward a few years and hes now 4. We've had him for 2 years and he's still as dumb as a bag of hammers. We have 50/50 custody. He lives in a house with like 8 other kids. (At his mom's) He's ALWAYS sick. And I mean always. That gets old really fast. so we are always fucking sick now. He teaches my daughter all these stupid things. He's allowed to play nazi zombies at his mom's (which is rated M for mature!) He's fucking 4! So he always talks about killing zombies and so now my sweet little girl also talks about it. She is so smart and bright and I feel like he is an anchor. She regresses in some things when he's around. She's 3 and he's 4.Now that we have this little punk to raise and pay for we can no longer afford to have another baby like we planned 
although much of this stuff isn't his fault I resent him for all of it. He's mean to our puppy. He's a grandma's boy (GAG) He breaks EVERYTHING he plays with. He's clumsy and falls all over the place, which usually ends up resulting in more broken things. He fucking wipes his boogers on my beautiful couch. My 3 year old knows better! He lies. He eats like a fucking pig and will literally eat everything in the house if we let him. He looks identical to his mother (which of course is not his fault but good damn it's hard to like him when I'm reminded of that whore) and he's just not mine. My fiance is very supportive and tries to help me cope with this little puke but he's actually starting to like the kid so I don't want to bash this kid to him anymore.
I think about running away but I adore my fiance and he's such a good daddy. I could never leave him. I just wish this kid would go away and never step foot in my house or life again. I'm sacrificing having another baby, for this little shit head? Hmm... great pay off -.- This isn't how it was supposed to be.
I feel immature and selfish about most of it but that doesn't make me hate him any less. I'm so stuck it's not even funny.
And yes fiancé did the DNA
And yes fiancé did the DNA test :/
I'm 23. And I do try and
I'm 23.
And I do try and teach him the same way i teach my daughter. For 2 years I've been trying. Nothing sticks with him very long.i don't treat him different. I say love you and give hugs and kisses. But he still acts the way he does. He gets time outs, his favorite toy taken away,no treats etc. I don't understand howa kida while year younger than him can act so much better and listen to me. At my wits end. I'm sick of painting on my smile every other week.
Sorry for spelling errors,
Sorry for spelling errors, damn phone.
He can be trained, he can. My
He can be trained, he can. My SD was 4 when DH & I got married & we made it work. It took a lot of hard work on both our parts to get the idiotic behavior her mom (& DH) allowed out of her head, but it happened. She now knows she has different rules at her mom's house than our house, & it may take a day or so to adjust when she comes for a visit, but she does great.
eh tough situation, she had a
eh tough situation, she had a child with the SO before she found out about this guy. So that's it, he & the kid are in her life one way or another.
We can't beat people down for venting here. She's probably been biting her tongue for 2 years.
Actually for your information
Actually for your information I HAVE been biting my tongue. My fiance is the only one I've ever vented to about it. The little boy is treated no differently than my daughter. I think that's why I used the language I did. Two years is too damn long to not blow that stream off. Trying to give this kid everything he never had at his mom's house and he appreciates NONE of it. And don't tell me a 4 year old doesn't have the mental capacity to be appreciative because my 3 year old is very appreciative of special things we do for her. I've just had it.
She stated that she use to
She stated that she use to talk to her SO about the SS in her post. That she no longer does because of his growing bond with the boy.
I apologize. I thought maybe
I apologize. I thought maybe you were insinuating I don't bite my tongue with the boy. But for 4 or so months now I haven't even vented with my fiance about any of it. He welcomes it and says it's okay but i don't want to put a wedge between him and ss.
Unfortunately, it is VERY
Unfortunately, it is VERY possible that the 4yo does not have the same mental capacity as the 3yo. Have you considered that he might be somewhat learning impaired? My 12yo stepson is VERY immature. He has the emotional maturity of a 2yo. He also has the hormonal maturity of a teenager.
He shows appreciation to his
He shows appreciation to his grandma and grandpa like there's no tomorrow. They spoil him ROTTEN. We limit the time the kids have with them for this reason. It's too much. So I know he has the capability but because I don't give him candy for dinner and let him run wild, me and fiance aren't worth anything so to speak.
I work my ass off to train
I work my ass off to train this kid. To make him a better person, to teach him right from wrong. But at Bm's house he has NO rules. Anything he does learn here goes straight out the window when he goes back. I don't show him how much I dislike him. He gets treated no different than my little girl. But I can't hold it in any longer. Thought this wasa better place to blow off steam.
I know. I was just saying. I
I know. I was just saying. I haven't even gone into a tiny percent of what this other woman has put us through. I feel for her child because he has had a rocky child hood with her. I realize it's not his fault. But it still doesn't make it any easier for me.
Thisi is bad advice. Leaving
Thisi is bad advice. Leaving your DH won't keep your child away from their half sibling. When your child is with your DH, & your SS is there, guess what? They are being influenced by him. "shut up or leave" is stupid advice. If it was that easy, none of us would be here.
None of these are easy
None of these are easy solutions.
Asking a man to give up time with his child is hard. Especially when the child's life is so much worse at his mom's house.
Dad leaving the home EOW is also hard & I'm sure not what OP thought she was in store for when marrying a man she assumed was childless.
Give solutions, let her decide - it's a nice approach. Minimizing her feelings because they weren't expressed in language you like and acting all HRNYC-ish is not.
Not everyone is here looking for a solution from internet strangers. Not everyone is actually as miserable as their post seems in real lives. Some people are just.. venting.
Don't feel a need to explain
Don't feel a need to explain yourself. This is a place to vent. Not a place to get torn down for your choice of words. There have been sooooo many times that going ape shit on here has been the only thing that saved me from ripping out my hair and making a rope out of it to hang myself with. I just don't get torn down because it's always about BM (luckily my skid is not a bad kid, honestly).
Everyone will have their opinions. Truth is, the banner at the top of the site says it all. Vent away, until YOU feel better. Not until someone tells you "HEY that is MEAN stop it you sound HORRIBLE". You can get that shit in real life. This is not a place step parents come for tight butt-ed scolding.
& here are hugs, because none of us here had any idea about the shit we were getting into - but especially in situations like this - I feel bad for you.
Thank you for the support!!!
Thank you for the support!!! Lol while I realize my word choice was a bit strong it helped keep me composed as my step son whined for water all night. So I had a midnight rant that helped me not show him how frustrated I am. Seems worth it to me.
Are you sure
That this kid is even his? Did he take a paternity test? How do you know that this little punk's mom isn't just trying to set him up for child support because she heard he's well off? I mean why else would she wait 2 years to let him know about "his son"? I'm skeptical about this child even being his.
You have the patience of a saint to put up with this situation. Me personally, I would've been gone the minute I saw what I'd be dealing with. Not only that but think about this, your man slept with this train wreck at some point apparently which if you ask me is a reflection on him.
I'd run screaming from this dumpster fire of a situation but it's your choice. I'll leave you with this, you didn't sign up for this and now you're having to sacrifice having a 2nd child with the man you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with for a child that you didn't know existed for 2 years and his mother who claims that he is your fiance's with 0 proof.
Is this something you could see dealing with forever? I know I couldn't. I know what I'd do. Now, you need to think about what you'll do. It's hard enough having to deal with bratty kids that you knew existed but I know it's even harder to deal with a kid you didn't know existed. Hugs.
Sounds a lot like my
Sounds a lot like my situation. The kids run wild at BM's house. He's been allowed to run outside with no supervision or shoes since he could walk! There's 15 people living in one tiny house. Predatory offender too but child protective services says they can't do anything about it. fiance is in the army and he does man up and parent. I'm very proud of him for all he does and the effort he puts in. We both are trying our absolute hardest. Why can our child respond so well but this kid just won't change?
Seems like the boy is being
Seems like the boy is being raised by trash, I can't see how you train that out of him. Even with 50/50. The real question is how do you keep your daughter from turning out like him.
Ugh exactly!!! All the hard
Ugh exactly!!! All the hard work we've put into her is slowly being undone by him. That will NOT fair well with me. Or my fiance.
I feel for you...especially
I feel for you...especially the part about sacrificing having another child because this one showed up in your life. That has got to hurt.
Why did you guys end up with 50/50?
I wouldn't share 50% of my time with a trashy whore's kid, nor would I make my own child grow up with that influence. Fuck that. Either have the child the majority of the time so that you can actually make a difference in his behavior, or give him to his mom for the majority of the time so that his upbringing makes less of an impact in your home.
It's a matter of deciding how much or how little influence/responsibility dad wants to have on this child's life. And if he's not able to OUTSMART AND TRAIN a freakin' 4 year old, YOU are going to have a hard road ahead. Honestly, it looks like you two jumped the gun and didn't think this through before fighting for "equal" time. You mentioned getting an expensive lawyer, which to me sounds like you were trying to "win" something...most of these kids are a LOSS no matter how you look at it because of the vagina they crawled out of. And many women on this site are suffering for only one reason...the BM's terrible influence poisons the child. Your situation sounds so messy...I hope you're able to find peace in this tough situation.
We did think it through. But
We did think it through. But we thought the more we have him the less she can influence him with her terrible ways. We thought there would have been more progress made by now. But we were wrong. Our child has great manners, very smart, takes care of her toys, very neat and clean (for a 3 year old standard) so I know we aren't totally failing at this whole parenting thing. We just can't seem to make enough of a difference with him. I don't want him ruining the one child I get to have. I already don't get to have another like we planned.
Sounds like you understand
Sounds like you understand you made a mistake, and that's okay. We're human; we hope for the best, and we're allowed to be wrong about things - especially if we're forced to make a decision while navigating through a landmine of emotions.
Your daughter is probably a good kid because of her MOM
(*and her dad) so it's clear you've done a lot right.
Now, stepping outside of this situation, and knowing what you know now, do you think that it's in SS4's best interest to live like this? He's essentially living his life split between a shit mom and a stepmom who can't stand him. Is it good for him to live like this? Really think about that. Then go through the same exercise with every other member of your family. Is it in dad's best interest to live like this? Best for you to live like this? Your daughter to live like this?
Because if it's serving no one, the next question to ask is why you're doing it.
I do understand that this is
I do understand that this is a different hand than what you felt you were dealt. But it really really isn't the kid's fault. He might also get better at knowing that different places have different rules as he ages.
How does your BF treat him? How does he father your child? Does he treat them equally? Are you both a united front on what the rules are or is it mainly you that is laying down the law with this child? Obviously his BM lets him run feral on her watch so it could be that he just plain won't listen to a female.
A lot of problems that people have with their skids is directly due to how their parents raise (or don't) them.
Yes we treat both equally and
Yes we treat both equally and fairly. We both agree on what kids are allowed to do. And not to do. We're a very good team. I think it shows through in our daughter. But going from orderly things here to chaos there really seems to mess him up.
I can see where you are
I can see where you are coming from. This is not what you planned for.
My SD3 is a nightmare. DH was a disney dad for a while because he felt guilty. BM is a train wreck and SD has no rules, limits, boundaries, etc at her house. She is also terribly PAS'd so when she's here she is off the charts horrible. She doesn't stop crying, she is violent to us and our animals, she screams curse words at us, calls me a bitch, etc etc etc.
So for the people saying that you can "train the 4 year old" I disagree. You can influence the 4 year old, try to mold positive behavior, but sometimes it doesn't work. We had SD3 almost 50% of the time and no amount of love, patience, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, discipline, time outs, etc worked for her. We tried everything we could possibly think of and solicited the help from professionals as well. We have 7 kids between us so we're not new at the parenting game.
I was babysitting SD when DH was working when we had her more often and I just couldn't do it anymore with the abuse, anger, violence she inflicted on our household. I told DH she is welcome anytime he would like to have her but I could no longer be her primary caregiver when she was in our home. He understood and went to an EOWE schedule with a weeknight visit that he is with her alone.
SD3 is starting therapy soon for a behavior/social disorder she's been diagnosed with and we are going to try like hell to prove the PAS to the therapist. We have a lot of it on video of her telling us that "Mommy tells me not to come, I get spanked for coming to your house, etc"
So while I do think it is possible to have a positive influence on a kid I don't think every kid is the same and there are probably a million other circumstances that follow this. He's 4 and he's been through a lot in his life already went from just mom and a million siblings, to now having, mom, dad, SM, another sibling. 50% here 50% there. Personally I think 50/50 is terrible for kids that young but I know I am the minority on that one.
As long as you treat him kindly, be a decent person to him hand the rest off to your SO. Enjoy your baby and find somethign else to occupy your time.
There's no hope for her since
She's been diagnosed with a behavior/social disorder. If it's antisocial personality disorder forget it. She's a lost cause. One of the biggest traits of that is blatant disregard for the rights of others and that's not going to change ever. Neither will her having the disorder. It's with her for life.
Please keep your other kids and your pets away from her. Their safety is at risk, emotionally and physically. People diagnosed with a personality disorder such as ASPD have no regard for others. They weill hurt people and animals without a second thought.
They have the capacity to kill. I'm not trying to scare you, just telling you what I know. If I were you I would NOT let her in my home or anywhere near it. If CPS got wind of her harming your other kids if she were to start, they could end up taking them for their safety and the only way to get them back would be to show them that the other children are no longer in danger, IE she's not allowed around them.
I know what it's like being treated like a whipping post verbally and physically especially by a child who isn't even mine and I know how frustrating is. Hugs.
I disagree with people
I disagree with people stating how easy it is to “train” a 4 year old because sometimes that is just not the case.
You are the only one that can figure out what you need to do, this is your life and your child’s life and you are responsible for both. I can't imagine the curve ball of finding out about a child later on and then for the situation to be out of control like you are describing. But, again, you are the one who has to decide how much time you want to invest seeing if the situation gets any better or if removing yourself and DD from the situation is the only solution.
Yes I agree. I just find it
Yes I agree. I just find it unfair to my fiance and my daughter if I leave. He's done nothing wrong. My daughter loves her daddy, she'd be so heart broken if we left. Not to mention I love this man with everything I have. And my daughter would still be around ss when she's with her dad. We made a great life together. I think it would create more problems than it would fix. So I guess I'll tough it out for now. *sigh*
It's hard to remember, but
It's hard to remember, but these flaws really aren't his fault. With the time he is at your house, try to remind yourself that it is his mother's fault he is the way he is. Setting firm rules and encouraging his good behaviour, with the help of your DH, will probably yield some positive results. Kids are mirrors for their parents' bad behaviour. Good luck.
I think you're just pissed
I think you're just pissed because your cards didn't play out and this troubled little boy from a different life and a fucked up irresponsible BM changed your destiny. It's really up to you and your life Along with your little girls. Do you want to leave a man you love that's supportive of your feelings and does the best he can and take away your daughters family setting and risk for her a future grouchy step mother to come Into her life? Or do you want to put yourself in your husbands shoes and support and feel his feelings. Yes he fucked up but that was before you. Do you want to keep your family stable and get some help for yourself because calling him (4yr old) stupid and putting out a vibe that he is stupid will make him stupid. You can set rules with your husbands help. You can do this and the love with this human being will come. You have the advantage. If he wipes boogers then whip his ass. He is young enough for you to do that. It's different when they come into your life at 8. Treat it as your kid too, I guess. I'm sorry it's fucked up for you.