Finally dropped the hammer - splitting up
Have not posted here in a while, just been wishing time to pass. Yes, in a serious rut. The kid returned for the summer, and despite being away to college, everything picked up where it left off before she left. So as usual I disengaged, and went about busying myself outside. Kid proceeded to fill her room, the guest room and is in the process of filling up the living room with her crap. GF and I have maybe 20 minutes a day alone before the 2 of them are inseperable until bedtime. So I am alone again, making sure everything in the house is taken care of, and unable to concentrate at work at all. Well, we had 20 minutes the other day alone, and got as far as the house will be going on the market and I cannot sell a house with the kid and her clutter here. GF won't move out of the area due to family and friends here. Since I gave up all that to move here, I now have zero ties to this area. Time to find my forever house in a better climate without her. Done with hibernating 8 months out of the year, and being 100% alone the other 4. So I have been packing today and trying to plan. This will be financially ruining for both of us, but her especially which kills me inside. Just put retirement contributions to minimums to raise cash. Will probably need to come up with a substantial 'get out' bribe. I will be lucky if they even move out so I can sell, and I certainly won't get any help cleaning the house, but if I am at that point, then great. No idea where I am going to go, but hoping to find a cheap rental further south so I can scope out the area. Will get a storage unit this coming week and slowly start moving the keepers over to it. Thanks for reading, and any advice is appreciated.
Don't wait. Make your exit and get on with your life.
The financial impact being greater on her, is on her. It is not on you.
Protect yourself and get on with your life.
She and her spawn, do not matter. Do not treat them as if they do.
Enjoy your new life adventure with them fading into your rear view mirror.
Take care of you.
Good message
But hard to feel that way.
I know. But instead of feeling... think.
Feelings are not effective in solving problems, making decisions, or determining life's direction.
My DW just about put herself in the hospital a few times over the past couple of years dealing with a toxic work environment. She is brilliant, but... she insisted on the feelings rather than applying her incredible intellect. Once she engaged her brain, she solved the problem and is on to an amazing new phase of her professional life.
I know that work and significant other relationships are not direct correlations, but... do what you have to do to be good to yourself.
Do not sacrifice your happiness, health, or feelings.... trying to feel your way through this.
Solve the problem.
Then grieve and work through the feelings.
Just my very black and white man-spective. There is not much grey in my world. It makes addressing problems far simpler for me.
Just my thoughts and opinion of course.
Take care of you.
Thanks
I think more than feel, and am crucified in the court of public opinion for it. I appreciate your perspective.
You made me smile. You remind me of my wife as she navigated
her recent challenges. She was focused on what her coworkers and customers would feel about her leaving. They would hate her, etc.. Or in other words, how she would fair in the court of public opinion.
Which, does not matter. What matters is that this situation is not good for you. Focus on you and not on people that really don't matter.
No one is responsible for the happiness of an X. They are an X for a reason. While we were navigating our divorce and the first year of so after, my XW was confinced that I was her best friend and knew her better than anyone. So, her being kocked up by her Geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy when she moved out of our home was somehow important to me and she needed to share it. And share the miscarriage, and the next pregnancy, ......
We are not responsible for the decisions an X makes nor are we responsible for how a split impacts them. We only own half of the demise of that relationship... if that much. Rarely does the honus of a split land directly in the middle. I doubt it does with your split.
In your own words:
Kid proceeded to fill her room, the guest room and is in the process of filling up the living room with her crap. GF and I have maybe 20 minutes a day alone before the 2 of them are inseperable until bedtime. So I am alone again, making sure everything in the house is taken care of, and unable to concentrate at work at all.
She has failed to parent. That is on her. Not you.
She has not invested in the relationship. You have. If anything, you are the cash flow for her continuing to fail as a parent.
GF won't move out of the area due to family and friends here.
You commited, you changed her life, you gave up your life, she has done nothing but take your commitment, and your resources. She is not worthy of you, she has not earned your love and commitment. Stop being the sacrifice on the alter of martyrdom to this failed parent and the progeny of her failed former coupling.
Done with hibernating 8 months out of the year, and being 100% alone the other 4.
Does there really need to be anything said about this one?
Why are you moving out of house you apparently own? Next time they head out for a cuddly giggly inappropriate bonding moment, have the locks re-keyed and list the property. If you own the home, only what you want matters. After the locks are changed serve them both with a RO/PO protecting your home.
Please do not sacfrifice yourself further for a partner who has made zero effort or sacrifice for you or the relationship they are not a part of. And for damned sure do not sacrifice one microsecond of your time or one micro Cent of your resources for the Skid. Your partner has a mini-spouse. There is no room for you.
Make your transition as painless, for you, as you can.
Won't fly in my state
They are technically tenants and rekeying a lock to get them out is illegal, although I like the message. What really stinks is I can rekey the locks in a matter of seconds. Trying for drama free, because I hate drama. It will be a process. All I can do is to make sure I am prepared to list the house and be willing to grease the wheels, with cash if necessary. I mean no ill will towards them, but like you said, am done wasting my time and resources all for the skid, who won't care about our broken dreams as long as she gets what she wants in the end.
Be very careful if you have
Be very careful if you have any suspicion that she is capable of calling the cops on you and crying abuse. If she's losing that much she could flare up. Why would you need to bribe her? To get out? Move some buddies in to push her out. Rent a room or two to some frat boys.
She is not the type
The kid on the other hand....I don't think she is the type. After all, she is winning everything here. The bribe is to help ease the transition. If it makes it easier for her. She is not a horrible person, just not compatible with me. If only I had some buddies around here.
Rags is right about the
Rags is right about the feelings. You can't let them get in the way of moving forward.
Agree with you both
And appreciate the validation. I feel like crap about this, but think it is the correct move. Time will tell.
Love the screenname!
I can relate to
Worrying about the court of public opinion. But I came to the conclusion that people will have opinions no matter what, whether they know the truth or not and that's ok because it's actually inconsequential to my life. They don't make my choices, live my life or pay my bills. When you're leaving a LTR situation you do what you have to do with your interests being #1.
It sounds like she probably had opportunities to do things differently, make adjustments or changes but chose not to...that was up to her and here you are. It's ok to put yourself 1st, especially when no one else does.
The issues are not new
Same stuff, different year. Yes, changes have been asked, promised, and promptly forgotten. GF confirmed she is working on some codependency stuff. That would explain a lot I think, especially the inability to set any boundaries with the kid.
Disengagement is your friend
Sounds like you are on a right track and that you have looked into and researched your different options legally. Many places really do have more tenant leanings, so its REALLY hard to evict someone who pays to live in a residence.
And you have no bad feelings towards GF. Sometimes its easier if the person is horrible and things are horrible because you have the anger to sustain you through.
This just sounds like a huge pile of sacrifice and regret on your part. But it also sounds like she did a 'bait and switch" and that shes basically using you as her bank account. Maybe you need a healthy dose of anger.
Greasing things with $$ sounds like you arent angry enough. Selling your house doesnt sound like you are angry enough.
Not angry enough for what?
Mostly disappointed, sad, very scared. Angry enough to uproot my entire life and chase my desires. The selling of the house is because I will not afford it on my own. I hate the house, hate the location, and really hate the high COL in this stupid state. I was in the school district my GF wanted to be in. That is not an issue any longer. Now I want to chase more outdoor friendly climate, and she wants to stay here.
Is the home in your name only, or do you own it together?
If it is yours, sell it. Just because short term partner helps pay the bills does not mean they have ownership rights if if is YOUR property.
Take care of you.
Yes, all in my name
They do have tenancy rights though, and can refuse to leave, which will lead to eviction being required. Even the sale of a house does not change that.
You will likely have to evict
You will likely have to evict.
Hopefully you can get most of your stuff out then evict while you are still there. I would really hesitate to leave them alone in the house. Give her 30-60 days immediately to start this process. You want the house on the market asap.
You are doing the right things.
I would contact an atty first
I would contact an atty first, just to show that you were actively seeking to have her move out. Remove all important papers and photos, they may get mad and destroy those. Clear one room as your's Change the locks on it with you and a trusted person (not her, her family or her friends) holding the only keys. Put any items familial ib there, as to protect them from possible destruction. Relocate yourself to that room asap. Serve them with an eviction letter, one prepared by your atty. If you are threatened or physically touched be prepared to document w/ local police dept. Move any bills for home to your name alone. Cancel any perk you yourself pay for and do not use.
I hate that you're going through this but from your words I see that it is something you know will never change. I know my words seem harsh but I'm thinking ahead and assuming her daughter might try to accuse you of something and you need to protect yourself.
In addition
Take tons of time-stamped photos to prove that your house was in good condition and consider putting in hidden cameras (don't forget one aimed at the daughter's door to show who goes in and comes out) to prove your innocence, just in case.
I would also avoid keeping your iumportant documents on the premises - get yourself a postal box and keep them in there, out of reach.
Good luck.
That is a good thing. Even if they play games, ultimately, you
will get them out of YOUR house, sell it, and move on.
Work the plan.
My blended family life and marriage is about as simple as they come. We met at University where we had both moved from out of state to attend. So, everything we have built in our nearly 29yr marriage we have built together.
Baring any unforeseen events, my Unicorn SParent life should continue.
Knock on wood.
I wish there was a fool proof test to verify that a new partner is a good parent, strong of character, eternally self supporting, etc....
Take care of you.
Hate the house...
Dump and run. After legalities covered of course.
I know it's
Drastic, but my DH told me about his second marriage and his difficulty in getting rid of his Ex and her BD. He asked her to leave, filed for divorce and told her he was leaving until she was gone. He disconnected all utilities in his name and took only what he had to have with him. There was a lot going on, so he was doing the best with what he was working with at the time.
He said she sold lawn equipment, tools and anything she could (drugs were involved and he had had enough). He let the bank foreclose on the house in the end, but he said he was desperate to get out of the situation.
He rebuild his credit and whole life afterwards. We didn't meet until a couple of years later and I was a little over a year out from my 2nd divorce at that point, so we were both rebuilding our lives. We had that 'not tolerating more BS' and the wherewithal to start anew uncommon' at that time in our lives.
I think few get out unscathed, but here you have so many experiences to draw on and seasoned pros to learn from, so it's a tremendous resource!
Leaving my 2nd H was a clandestine operation, as he was clueless until the morning of the day I was leaving when I dropped the bomb. I had signed a lease on a new place but hadn't packed anything other than important documents at that point, but I got it done in record time and it was my best decision ever.
You do what you have to do to take care of yourself in the best way you can! Good luck!