I don't usually go to SS12 sports because of BM being there. Last time I went, she went crazy and we spent thousands of dollars on lawyers after she threatened to leave the country and take the kids without consent.

This morning (a year later) I thought I might like to go to sports. I said so to DH and asked if SS10 would have to come with us or could he stay with my son at home (15). DH said he would probably have to come with us but that would be ok. I said I thought he would be quite safe here with my son while we went to SS12 game for a couple of hours but, hey, whatever.

Background - I spent all week looking after SS12 and 10. Cooking dinners, laundry, took SS12 to the doctor when he came home with a sore head after being knocked over at sports.......

When I took him to the doc, DH showed up a bit later and suddenly I wasn't needed any more. I went home alone. I got a bit cross when DH commented there was nothing wrong with him and I raised it with him later - DH said he was just joking. Like I wanted to go out in the cold and rain to take a child to the doctor - all the time thinking - where are his parents - should I call his BM? I couldn't get hold of DH on the phone so I just did what I would have done with my own child if I thought there might be a mild concussion. I thought he was ok too but he said he felt dizzy and Im not a doctor...

I am rambling sorry. I need to ramble.

So I am sitting in bed typing this. DH was on phone all morning for work stuff and then suddenly leapt out of bed and left to go to sports. I didn't even have a chance to ask when it was on.

I give up. I hate this. I have grown to love my SSs but being part of the enjoyable part of their lives (the caring part) feels off limits. That's how I feel. What's the point of caring about them? I am not welcome to love them. It's too hard. I just have to do their bloody laundry. Im crying.....