Feeling low
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Feeling so low tonight. Currently sat on my bed because I feel if anyone asks if I’m ok I will cry. It’s been 2 weeks since my partner and I had yet again another fall out over his daughters behaviour and we are still not ok. I feel invisible and he says he is not intentionally doing anything but thinks it is going to take time to get over things this time. I just feel alone and like things are broken.
I remember you
Im sorry to hear the sadness in your post. Have you had any success talking to your partner about the "Disney dad" attitude? I get the impression he is in denial.
Hi JRI
It’s lovely to hear from you again. has actually brought me to tears. I feel so emotional. I spoke to him about Disney Dad and he just said he thought it was all to much to take in. He got defensive andvsaid it wasn’t my place. So I told him I would step back and I couldn’t be just in the role of step mum when he needed but then disposed when I had concerns. I’m trying to disengage to save my own feelings. I feel like it’s really driving a wedge between us. We are both just doing our own thing since we fell out. Like strangers in the same house
I just feel like I have
I just feel like I have caused all this and now I’m this problem to everyone.
You aren't the problem
How long have you and your partner been together? Married? Has the scenario always been like this, or is it recent? I doubt thst you, yourself, are the problem. Most likely, any woman who was his partner would be "the pronlem"..
Thank you.
We have been together nearly 4 years, not married but living together. We have been through so much in that time, separated for 2 months which was mad worse by BM medalling and got back together. We have been through a custody battle as BM wouldn’t allow him to see daughter for a year and lots of crazy BM stuff. She didn’t want me to meet daughter, has said SD shouldn’t have to share her time with her dad with us and constantly harps on about SD emotional needs and how she has be affected by him leaving. They had been split up 2 years before we met but she acts like I destroyed her family. It’s been awful really. I feel he is manipulated with guilt trips and it makes me upset. He get cross with me for raising stuff and over protective of daughter it’s a horrible circle of grief.
I hope it helps some to know
I hope it helps some to know you're not alone in the lowliness and loneliness. At some point in time leaving will likely be necessary.
He has been thru a lot, too
Im not making excuses for him since he sounds like a Disney Dad in denial. But he has been thru a lot with the toxic BM doing everything she can to make your lives miserable. Not that its right but he is probably afraid to discipline, scared of losing access to SD. If he can't or won't work toward some changes, you might have to think about Catmom's advice and leave. Any chance he would consider counseling?
I keep trying to see things
I keep trying to see things from his side and I do feel bad and think he is in a crappy situation. I could cope with the behaviour struggles if he didn’t push me out and get defensive towards me. That’s what really hurts. That if we fall out he detatches from me and rejects me. He will act as if he needs to protect his daughter from me when all I have done is say “you need to say thank you” or I may asked her if she is too full for desert as she tries to complain she is full to avoid eating her main meal. I feel like he hates me for having a boundary with his daughter and tells me she’s not mine to say that. It really hurts. I would be the same with my niece if she wouldn’t eat her dinner. We have spoken about counselling and he is open to the idea but has been through it twice before, once in a relationship and on his own, so is less enthusiastic than I am. I am literally willing to try anything that will help us. I have been thinking a lot about SD and how I feel towards her and I actually feel sad for her as she loves coming and is always wanting to do everything with me and my daughter. I think my partner emphasis the divide when she plays up and it makes her feel different and me feel resentful.
I struggle with the avoidance
I struggle with the avoidance and pursuit of victim hood that so many in blended families perpetrate against their partners. Your SO is one of these IMHO.
So, I don't waste a picosecond trying to see the side of someone who is manipulative and voluntarily stupid regarding things that are brutally obvious for anyone who is in even remote contact with their intellect. Unfortunately many of us who find ourselves in relationships with these types of willfully miserable people tend to put the failure of a relationship and on ourselves rather than just recognizing our own clarity regarding the situation and ending the incessant quest to understand the willful idiocy of our chosen rescue project of a partner.
I stopped that many years ago. No matter how appealing the characteristic that drew us to the rescue project the balance sheet rarely adds up. We need to quit dragging ourselves down the crapper with the rescue project and embrace reality. As painful as it may be to embrace reality and pull the plug, it is far less painful than eternally serving ourselves up to the dysfunction and long, long, long list of crappy traits that far outweigh the initial appealing trait that sucked us in.
But, if only I could truly see it from their perspective.
But, it is not fair for me to judge them. I have not experienced what they are experiencing.
But, it is not the kid's fault and if I leave it won't just hurt my X it will hurt the kids.
But, but, but, but, but.
It never ends. It is far too easy to waste our own happiness on the lost cause of a rescue project. No matter how beautiful, hot, sexy, smart, engaging, exciting, etc, etc, etc.... The balance sheet rarely adds up to a relationship with the project being mutually beneficial.
I left several incredibly beautiful women that I enjoyed spending time with when it became clear that they were not capable of getting out of their own way and being in a true equity life partnership. Eventually my wife and I found each other and have made a wonderful life together. I would not settle and neither would she.
Take care of you. He won't.
Hi Rags, thank you for taking
Hi Rags, thank you for taking the time to give me some advise. I think I need to keep re reading it until it sinks in because I’m feeling like I can’t see the wood for the trees. I’m struggling to see clearly and feel conflicted in my head.
Rather than looking at it
Rather than looking at it from the perspective of not seeing the wood for the trees, think of it as not seeing the swamp because you are up to your ass in alligators. Neither a swamp nor alligators are particularly a positive from the perspective of an evironment or people to try to make a quality life with.
While wood and trees do not have the decided down side that toothy predatory reptiles in bug and slime filled swamps have.
Also, the work necessary to convert an alligator filled swamp into Disney World full of fun characters is daunting in comparision to what can be created ot of wood and trees.
I'm sorry you're struggling
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. IMO, I feel your SO needs to see for himself to understand you.
Stop doing ANYTHING for SK. If she asks for something, direct her to her dad. Don't engage with her bad attitude. If she is being a pill and doesn't say thank you, let it roll off. SK will act like that towards SO, and he will be the new target. He will get annoyed with the lack of manners and attitude, and will NOT have you to blame since you have taken yourself out of the equation completely.
So she eats dessert anyway? Fine, have her teeth rot out of her head. I know, it sounds crazy harsh, but majority of these Disney Dads are oblivious until they see it for themselves. When he racks up dental bills and SK has a mouthful of cavities, then it will be time for an "I told you so."
It's hard to see SKs struggling because of parenting failures, but that is not your responsibility. It is okay to focus on YOU and YOUR relationship. Don't let the "kids come first" mantra ruin you - it's simply not true.
P.S. - if the "she is not yours" game is what he wants to play, all the better! No need for you to prepare food, clean up, help with laundry, watch her when he is out of the house, etc since she is "not yours" He can have fun with that! Let's see how long it goes on until he retracts his statement.
Counseling
It would be best if you two went to counseling together but I would go myself. Thats what I did as a last ditch effort and it changed my life
I went to counseling too - no
I went to counseling too - no one would go with me but I went myself. It was so good for me.
he is using your undying love
he is using your undying love for him against you. My ex would continully do this to me,, everyone around could see it except myself,, until i got out of it,,, and when i did OMG ,, how silly i felt of myself to tolerate this emotional abuse. It is 100% intentional from him and for him to even say thats its not , shows that hes been thinking about it. A true loving partner would not let you sit crying and hurt for so long , regardless of the circumstances as it would break their heart also! All he is doing is keeping you in line as he chips away at your self esteem further , to the point where you believe you are the issue and you give in and just comply. I spent 8yrs devoting all my love , time and emotions (money also) to a man that that did this to me,,, it was his way or the highway,, he always chose everything else over me and it broke my self esteem down so much that i just accepted it and thought that maybe i was too needy and eventually became a shell of a women. It wasnt until one person on this site wrote one specific line of words that stuck with me and snapped me out of it. Needless to say ,, i chose the highway! and 5 months later of being free from him and his brat and building my self worth back again im starting to feel better. I never realised how broken i was for years until now . Please please please , dont tolerate this anymore
Thank you
I just wanted to say thank you for all your advice and messages. We had SD over the weekend and my partner was completly different. I had talked to him about guilt parenting during the week but l felt he hadn't really taken it on board. However, this weekend he really put his foot down with her. She refused to eat meals all weekend and used Martyrdom to try and make us all feel bad, fake crying, sad face, sulking, faking illness, l miss mummy. Usually my partner would feed into this with reasurance and compromising or changing her food, what we do or take her to mummy. Not this weeked. He told her she was making it up and she needed to eat her food or go to her room. He even said " Edie has spent her time cooking for you and you need to stop the sulking, it's not going to work anymore" SD voiced "mummy says she doesn't have to do anything she doesnt want too"! My partner told her that that isn't how life works and in the real world you will have rules and we all have to do stuff we don't want to. (Thanks BM! You have created an entitled child who thinks she is above rules)! He even asked me to explain to her and told her she had to listen to both of us as these were our rules in this house and infuture if she is going to whinge she can do it uptairs as it's not fair on the rest of the family. I am really hopeful that my partner can carry this on from here and doesn't soften. I truly believe she will be better for it. My daughter even got involved and told her that she has to do stuff she doesn't want to, and if she didnt eat her meals she wouldnt be allowed treats. I'm hoping it makes a difference and my partner will see a positve change all round. I think he was shocked by her behaviour this week. He said to me "She is spoilt isn't she, I cant let that continue" It was her birthday friday and l organised a party for her and made all the food and for two days after she sulked on the sofa like she was miserable and life wasn't fair for her because she was expected to eat her breakfast the next day. She stropped and screamed she would be sick... My response was "ok, but after you have finished your tantrum you still have to eat your breakfast but it will be colder, l know how l would prefer to eat it" Partner backed me up and once she realised she wasn't going to get her way she ate it all, and recieved a hug and a high five from me.
It's going to be an ongoing battle l think but as long as my partner doesn't let the guilt and get defensiveness towards me it could be ok.
Good news!
Edie, I'm so glad to hear things are going better! I'm sure there will be lots of backsliding but it sounds like things are going in the right direction. Your partner did well, perhaps you can think of a way to reward him. Lol.
There is hope!
Thanks JRI. Yep, I think it will be up and down but i'm so glad my partner is questioning whether there is an issue with her behaviour. The guilty parenting, disney dad stuff really helped as l think he didn't like the thought that she using it to her advantage. Haha, reward would be lovely but lockdown has messed all that up with kids home 24/7! *blush*
I just wanted to tell you
I just wanted to tell you that I know the feeling. Feeling like a stranger in your own home. Having two of your own to think of. Feeling very alone. I'm sorry. These dadd think if you choose to be with them and know they have kids, then you chose to accept everything. They don't see they also have to accept that by starting a relationship with you, they need to be considerate of their partner and make changes to consider everyone's happiness, not just their kids at the cost of the entire family. I hope your have peace soon.
Thanks for your support. I'm
Thanks for your support. I'm sorry to hear this is familiar to you too! These dynamics can feel soul destroying at times. I hope you are ok too.