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Feeling left out

Faye's picture

My partner (recent ex of one day) told me I wasn't his next of kin even though we had been living together for almost four years, together for eight and have a joint mortgage. He said I wasn't his family. He also has just had his first book published which he had spent night after night writing, leaving me to sit on my own....then dedicated it to his two adult kids, mentioned his ex deseased partner, who had started to gather the information for the book with him, and his deceased parents. No mention of me.

Question: Was I right to feel upset about any of the above?

BSgoinon's picture

Yes.

I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I can see how you would. Are you still with him? Am I understanding that you recently split from him?

Faye's picture

Yes, in my blog and other forum I've written about ongoing problems with my SD. He left last night and I'm going over things in mind now trying to figure out if and what I did wrong.

BSgoinon's picture

I remember the blogs about the issues, I must have missed the one where he left.

I don't think you are asking too much. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Some people just don't get it, do they?

Faye's picture

No, he never understood why I felt the way I did. With him gone I fell a lot calmer and have less anxiety pains in my stomach at least.

StickAFork's picture

Sure, you can feel upset. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong. They're your feelings.

That said, your XBF was right. You never were "family." You never were "next of kin." You were a woman who was foolish enough to "play house" with him, entangle yourself in joint debt, and pretend to be his wife without actually, you know, BEING his wife.

Ladies, wake up!! Marriage isn't "just a piece of paper." It's a legal contract, providing with it many protections.

OP, I hope you find your "happy place" and find a new man. Then, marry him, don't "live with" him, and don't buy a freakin' house with him until there's a damn marriage license.

Faye's picture

It actually helps hearing people on here being supportive, as its what I needed one day after he left. Im sure thats the main reason people turn to these forums. I understand what you are saying. I'm not upset though, surprisingly.

He did actually ask me to marry him and bought me a ring. I gave it back to him years ago as with all the unresolved issues didnt see it lasting. I kept hoping things would improve, yes I know I should have done something about it. I'm glad we are not married as getting out of this wont be as complicated as it would have been.

I have learned a lot and won't be making the same mistakes again.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

What an excellent post! Thank you. I feel like super-woman right now! So much of what you wrote is true.

I especially like, "When YOU become determined that he will straighten up and fly right, he will straighten up and fly right. It's just that simple."

I truly wish it were that simple, I am determined and will stay that way.

emotionaly beat up's picture

And that's the main thing. If you see how you contributed to the sorry mess you can learn and not repeat it. If we go around playing the victim never seeing how we not only allowed ourselves to be the target, but no matter how many times they shot us down, we crawled back up and stayed around for more. Yes they did treat us badly, but we let them.

I hope you get your legal matters sorted ASAP. Then apologize to those two daughters of yours for what you put them through. And hopefully this will be the beginning of you getting yourself some self esteem. It tastes lovely.

ctnmom's picture

Sounds like you're in a good place and on track to start over with a decent, honest life. Good luck!!

Faye's picture

Thank you everyone. I do feel stronger and have already decided that I won't tolerate the things he did. He's gone and I've not contacted him. We will have to talk eventually about our house I know that.

I'm going to keep my blog up to date with where I'm at, it helps.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Hi Faye, was just checking in to see how you were doing. Stronger already Smile That's good These things are never easy, but I think you know you have done the right thing so that helps.

You of course will have to talk about the house but that can be done by an attorney. Why don't you, instead of waiting for him to decide what and when, do something different, YOU make the first move, YOU show him and yourself things are different now. You are going to make your own decisions. Go and see an attorney and then you will not have to talk with him at all. Why should you. Your attorney can do all that for you. It would be better for you to do this than to sit around waiting for him to pull the strings again. He has been calling all the shots. That hasn't worked out in your best interests so far has it.

Time for change Faye, and you can do it; Smile

Thinking of you Smile

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Excellent advice EBU. Faye, please try to take charge. This is YOUR life. An attorney would be a much better option and that will make you feel empowered and confident. Trust me, I did that a few months ago when I was sure there was no hope for my marriage, and it helped me tremendously.

I know my options and feel much more confident in taking back my life.