You are here

Feeling a bit better today

Redsonya's picture

Thanks for all the support on my thread about ex-DH taking his life. Last weekend was very hard and was in a really dark place - spent some time thinking myself that maybe life wasn't worth this kind of pain anymore. I have alot of family and friends supporting me, but you always feel like you have to act as though everything is going to be fine and your already past all of this.

Alot of pain that I hear on these boards and I've felt, is the feeling of being invisible or not mattering in our DH's lives. I realize thats been most of the pain I've felt recently. That SD19 had a memorial with DH's high school friends and BM and left me and DD5 out. My DH despised BM and anyone who had spent anytime with him at all the past 5 years knew how much he loved me and DD5. I don't need validation from people that either went out of their way to be mean to him (BM and others in his family), or haven't seen him in 20 years. Everyone that we knew together has told me that his best years were with me, traveling, living in a beautiful home, and doing all kinds of fun things together. That was something he did not have with BM the entire time he was married to her. My DD5 loved him and told him all the time what a great dad he was - again something he didn't get from his own kids, at least not since I've known them.

BM is doing her usual and projecting anger on me for not doing exactly what she wanted in the timeframe she demands (packing up everything DH owned, instead of just being happy with all his vehicles and a full trailer full of belongings two weeks after he died) because she thought she'd "get back at he and I" a couple years ago by not paying the mortgage on the house they owned together for a full year. The karma that she is getting now is that a $250,000 life insurance policy connected to that mortgage lapsed:) She would have been sitting pretty, but instead she is stuck in a falling down house that she won't repair (because that's DH's job) and all the debt attached to it:) DD19 is angry at me (she told me this) because she didn't talk to him for 2 years after posting really nasty things about him online. The last texts she ever sent him were brutally cruel. She never apologized to him and made no effort to see him at all, even when he tried to see her. She has to live with that, but instead she wants to blame me.

The lesson here I think is to move on and never treat anyone in my life like they don't matter. Its painful.

Orange County Ca's picture

Anybody can have a memorial and invite whomever they wish. That's means you can have a memorial and do the same. It sounds like everyone who was invited was not important in your life anyway so I agree the best thing is to just ignore them and move on.

You've got your daughter now and she will need all of your support.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture


My heart goes out to you ~ the sorrow you are feeling is all to known for me. Although my hubby passed away in his sleep ~ your grief I understand.

Your heart wrenching attached pain due to his ex n daughter are not your burden to take on. It's theirs ~ they can think what they want. You know your truth not them n don't waste your breath trying to empathize with them. Greed n death are hand n hand. The ugly comes out n leaves your chin hanging.

Do yourself some good and celebrate his life don't mourn his death. When the time is right speak of him and all the good times you had.

Those "other" people mean nothing to you or your child. Surround yourself with people who can support you not bash you. They are angry for all the things that they didn't do ~ not because of you because of them.

Redsonya's picture

Exactly - its funny because several people who were in his life recently (and for years before) told me to stay as far away from his family (BM, kids, sister, and mother) as possible. They are and always have been crazy and I don't know why I expect normal behavior from people who have never acted normal.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Yes ~ you can't expect normal from crazy and irrational. Never gonna happen ~ the part where you are gifted is that you are aware that you are dealing with crazy.

It's has been 6 years since I lost my husband. We all miss him like crazy ~ my 4 children are what has always been important to me. Protecting their damaged hearts ~ guiding them through the grieving process and coming out being a better person because they at their very young ages have been thrusted upon the word ~ sympathy n empathy. Although I so wish they didn't have to learn this so abruptly ~ they are very caring n big hearted individuals.

Please know ~ if ever you need to vent or decompress you got me to support you through your journey.

Redsonya's picture

Thanks Easy:) I think I might take you up on that. It will be six years on June 13 that we lost my daughter's father to cancer. I was married to him for 8 years and together for 14 years. Then this. Its hard not to take it personally, lol.

B22S22's picture

I lost my first DH 10 years ago. When he was ill (terminally and failing quickly) his family basically turned their backs on him because they couldn't "cope" with reality. They left the coping and the 24/7/365 total care he required, all to me to shoulder alone. At the time my kids were 3 and 5 (he was diagnosed when I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest). His younger brother and SIL lived 2 miles away from us, and never came to visit him. His parents were more concerned with spending time with my kids than their own child (they wanted guardianship over my kids to take care of them while I cared for my DH because according to my MIL, that was my "lot in life"). I asked for help - even asked if they could just spend some time with him, but was summarily turned down by all of them. I can't imagine how DH felt, knowing his own family didn't want to see him because it was "too hard."

After the funeral, it was obvious that the majority of his immediate family turned their back on me. If we did end up running into each other (grocery store) I was treated like a polite stranger. This after being part of that family for 20 years, married to my DH for 16.

I had promised my inlaws that I would never stand in the way of the relationship between them and my kids. However, that has gone south quickly -- every chance she gets, my kids' grandmother starts running her mouth about how much better off they'd be living with her instead of me. She attempted (in the past) to try to call the shots in my household. Even at DH's funeral, I heard her point out to several people that *I* obviously did not love my husband because I wasn't crying. She's even threatened court action to gain custody, not that she'd have a leg to stand on (but it's still stressful to hear it).

I guess what I'm trying to get at is your DH's family has a lot of unresolved issues and they are taking it out on you. They made horrible choices but rather than own up to it on their own, their anger is aimed at you, who represents the person who passed. They were shitty people, and now they're angry with unresolved issues. I strongly feel this is at the root of all the dynamics between me and my first husband's family.

Take care, and don't let them get to you. Giving them space in your head is obstructing your need to develop a new normal with your life and that of your child's. As long as you absorb their anger and hatred, you can't effectively go thru your own grieving process and it will do you much more harm. Trust me on this.

Redsonya's picture

:jawdrop: Wow B22. I am so sorry. This sounds very selfish of me, but I was always grateful that my first DH did not suffer very long. I was able to bring him home and take care of him on hospice and I fulfilled all his wishes. His mother was a lunatic through the whole thing too, but we have actually gotten to a good place and are friends now. My first husband's entire family came to my ex-DH's memorial last month and they were nicer to him then his own family when he was alive. I can't imagine those people treating you like that after being in their lives for so long. I am so sorry.

I know what you are saying. The longer I stay in this place of anger with them, the longer I am in this "transition zone" and can't move on. I know the truth about how things were and how ex-DH viewed those people and thats what I need to move on with. They are, and always have been sick, mentally ill people.

B22S22's picture

Not selfish at all! How I WISH things would have gone better, for everyone involved. But sometimes things just don't work out as we'd hope.

Take care on your journey, because that's what it is. And your "new normal". The best to you and your child.