Feeling a bit better today
Thanks for all the support on my thread about ex-DH taking his life. Last weekend was very hard and was in a really dark place - spent some time thinking myself that maybe life wasn't worth this kind of pain anymore. I have alot of family and friends supporting me, but you always feel like you have to act as though everything is going to be fine and your already past all of this.
Alot of pain that I hear on these boards and I've felt, is the feeling of being invisible or not mattering in our DH's lives. I realize thats been most of the pain I've felt recently. That SD19 had a memorial with DH's high school friends and BM and left me and DD5 out. My DH despised BM and anyone who had spent anytime with him at all the past 5 years knew how much he loved me and DD5. I don't need validation from people that either went out of their way to be mean to him (BM and others in his family), or haven't seen him in 20 years. Everyone that we knew together has told me that his best years were with me, traveling, living in a beautiful home, and doing all kinds of fun things together. That was something he did not have with BM the entire time he was married to her. My DD5 loved him and told him all the time what a great dad he was - again something he didn't get from his own kids, at least not since I've known them.
BM is doing her usual and projecting anger on me for not doing exactly what she wanted in the timeframe she demands (packing up everything DH owned, instead of just being happy with all his vehicles and a full trailer full of belongings two weeks after he died) because she thought she'd "get back at he and I" a couple years ago by not paying the mortgage on the house they owned together for a full year. The karma that she is getting now is that a $250,000 life insurance policy connected to that mortgage lapsed:) She would have been sitting pretty, but instead she is stuck in a falling down house that she won't repair (because that's DH's job) and all the debt attached to it:) DD19 is angry at me (she told me this) because she didn't talk to him for 2 years after posting really nasty things about him online. The last texts she ever sent him were brutally cruel. She never apologized to him and made no effort to see him at all, even when he tried to see her. She has to live with that, but instead she wants to blame me.
The lesson here I think is to move on and never treat anyone in my life like they don't matter. Its painful.