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FDH often just doesn't get it!

SamanaJ's picture

Hey I'm new here though been browsing a while, helping me learn what to expect!

I've been with my FDH since his "friend" was 3 months pregnant with his daughter (they were friends who had the occasional funtime which resulted in a baby). His daughter is now a month old, I'm not allowed to meet her until we have been together a year (although we are living together, engaged and booking our wedding shortly) but I can understand why you wouldn't want a newborn around someone you don't know. However my problem is that my FDH is planning on taking his "friend" their daughter and her other kids out on a family day out, (obviously I'm not invited) and for some reason this really bothers me! I know he has to spend time with his daughter, but to spend time doing family things all together makes me uncomfortable. Am I being selfish, or is this a natural reaction??

Also what drives me mad is if we do something that his "friend" would want to do, we can't tell her i said invite her along if she wants to go that bad! What is with trying to hard to keep everyone happy, you can't do it and I just think this is going to cause all kinds of problems eventually! Grrrr! Thanks for listening!

henrythedad's picture

"for some reason this really bothers me" - are you kidding????? Of course it bothers you!!!! If you were just a girlfriend I would answer very differently but you are planning your wedding!

Exactly WHO Is it saying that you can not meet the child? If it is the mother then there is a serious problem with either the custody order or the lack of a custody order. If it is you fiance - run now while you still can - there is something not right.

SamanaJ's picture

It's the mother and the baby is only a month old, she doesn't let anyone have the baby without her there and I can understand that, she wants to protect her baby, she doesn't know me! That's not so much what makes me uncomfortable, she's only just had the baby so I can understand her feelings, cut the girl some slack for a bit, as when she's ready I will be involved. Its the family day out that makes me feel uncomfortable. I mean i think it's wonderful that they get on and I think it would be lovely for the child if having both parents around on a family day out could continue. However I think you should attempt to include everyone. I've tried speaking to FDH and he says that when I do get involved me and him will do those things, but I personally feel you should start as you mean to go on. Have boundaries in place from the beginning and try to create routine and stability for the kids. But that's my opinion. You can't start off doing things with one half of the coin and then flick to the other, it will only create confusion and resentment! Don't you agree?

Plus if that is the case maybe he should take his daughter out on his own, if he doesn't plan to continue doing it all together. What does that say?

SamanaJ's picture

That's exactly how I was feeling and I did tell him that! But he just can't see it! So as none of my other friends are in this situation (they have children but are still with the other parent!) and were trying to tell me it was acceptable I started to doubt myself!! So thanks, at last someone sees it from my point of view! Now how to explain it to him it laymens terms!!!

He usually does see my point but you have to break it down so he can view it from a different perspective to his balck and white view of the world!!

SamanaJ's picture

Yeah I agree with that as well! I don't want to become the girl that tells him what not to do as i feel that would be playing into her hands (look she doesn't want you to see your daughter) I'd rather he knew where the limits were without my having to explain! He did tell her he would ask me first however by the time he got home she let him know that her kids were really excited about the day out, before we had a chance to discuss it! So smells like a set up to me!

But without causing drama how to I show him that this is not normal acceptable behaviour? His relationship should be with his child not her! Thanks for all listening...good to get some decent advice rather than ahhhh thats nice comments...because it's not nice! Lol!

DeeDeeTX's picture

For a while when the SKs lived near us before they moved, DH was constantly going over to their house. I told him I basically felt like his prostitute....he would come home from work, spend time with his other family, and all I was good for was to sleep with. I told him it had to stop or I was leaving. And I meant it, too. I wasn't mean about it...I was at the point where if he wanted to live that way, fine. But I didn't, so I was out of there.

Guess what? He decided to stop doing it.

Of course, this will only work if you truly are willing to leave.