Ex's Funeral Antics
My dear mother-in-law passed away last week. It was unexpected and my DH is taking it very hard. This is just more stress for the both of us on top of battling his Ex in court over child support and her wanting sole custody of their six year old. DH asked that SS-7 be brought to the wake. SS-7 was close to his grandmother and saw her for a couple of hours every Wednesday when my husband took him to visit her. Well when EX brings ss-7 to the wake my husband talked to her and told her we would call her when SS-7 was ready to leave. SS-7 had four older brothers and one older sister and aunts, uncles, cousins to look after him. EX refuses to leave him saying he was to shaken up by the whole thing. My DH comes back and tells me that ss-7 is shaking, he ha never seen him acting like this before and EX is refusing to leave. OK fine. Ex then proceeds to stay for two and half hours of the three hour wake. At one point ss-7 is in a back room coloring and EX is standing at the very end of the line where we are lined up greeting people and people are shaking her hand and offering her condolences. Another time we walk away from the receiving line to talk to some friends who were leaving and making sure they get their flower seeds etc. that were set out in mom's memory and she went and stood next to his sister in the spot we were standing in and talked to her and again people thought she was part of the family and were shaking her hand etc. I guess I wouldn't have been so upset except for the fact that she has spoken to no one in the family since the divorce and has actually said some pretty awful things about mom. But my husband didn't want to deal with it so he never said a word. The next day she shows up at the cemetary which was fine although I am not sure it was the best thing for ss-7. After the service, after all the morners are in their cars and my DH has said goodbye to ss-7 she was still standing at the casket even after we had gotten in our car. I thought we would have time alone at the casket before we left to say our last goodbyes but no......ex had to be there. As we drove away I burst into tears from frustration, exhaustion etc. I told my husband I just didn't think I could go to the family dinner afterward and that I was just going to go home. I just couldn't deal with her behavior anymore. It was going to be a small dinner with about 30 people and I just couldn't deal with it. He exploded at me and felt I wasn't being understanding enought etc. He felt he was dealing with enough since his mother just died. She did end up showing her face at the family dinner but my oldest ss stopped her in the parking lot and told her that this was just for family and that his dad would bring ss-7 home later. Things are still strained between my husband and I. Was I wrong to be upset about her antics? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and gritted my teeth longer? Really I took it as long as I could.
Honestly, Kimm
I think it is extremely weird that your BM acted that way at the funeral BUT
I don't know how long her and DH were married.
and
Even though she said some things in the past that may not have been perfect, it probably wasn't your place to say whether she was there or not. It's DH's place and as he stated, he had enough on his mind / plate to even think about, much less care about what his ex-wife was doing. As it was, he was probably relieved that his son's mom was there to help. And by help, I mean just by being there for her son.
In her own mind she may have been showing respect. Since DH said that you weren't being understanding enough, at this point, I'm sorry to say, I would just take his side and drop it. It's not really about you and your feelings at this time. It's about his feelings and his coping with the loss of his mom.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I Agree with Stick
I understand how frustrating it is to have to deal with BMs overstepping their boundaries but funerals are never the place to take offence. Your place, as his wife during this painful time, was to comfort and soothe him. If I was you, I would apologize for not placing his needs first.
Hopefully this will blow over for you. We recently had a very nasty contentious funeral in our family so I do understand.
We all smile in the same language
I Agree with Stick
I understand how frustrating it is to have to deal with BMs overstepping their boundaries but funerals are never the place to take offence. Your place, as his wife during this painful time, was to comfort and soothe him. If I was you, I would apologize for not placing his needs first.
Hopefully this will blow over for you. We recently had a very nasty contentious funeral in our family so I do understand.
We all smile in the same language
I was wrong
Ok I was wrong and I appreciate everyone being honest enough to tell me. Usually I am not this bad of a person. If I have any excuse at all which I don't, this woman has put both my husband and myself through hell for the last three and half years. They were only married two years and she truly despised my mother-in-law and as I said before had said some pretty awful things about her in emails to us within the last few years. It probably would have helped also if we weren't in the middle of a court battle with her because she wants more money and sole custody of ss-7. She informed us the day before the wake that she had started taking ss-7 back to a child psychologist again for issues he is having. We have no idea what issues and he seems fine when he is with us but this is usually what she does when she is taking us back into court. He is 7 and this is his third go round with a psychologist although we have never had a problem with him and he acts like a totally normal child when he is with us. I can only say that by the end of the funeral I was simply exhausted and fed up. But I should have seen the bigger picture and thought of my husband, I agree. I was told by several people not to be surprised if she pulled something and to not let it get to me or she would win.....and she did. Her motivation? She loves to make my husband miserable and use the kid to do it.
Kimm1960
Please honey, don't beat yourself up. You were / are in a stressful situation too. Believe me, there are times (like today) when the day is just so awful that I can't even stand to hear BM's voice, let alone see her for any length of time. Or, if she shows up, I just grit my teeth!! (No wonder I had to get a root canal today!! I cracked a tooth!!)
It sounds like your BM is handing you a great big pile of sh*t to deal with and at funerals emotions run so high. I'm sure that once you get to talk to your husband, he'll understand too. Just think... he may have taken anger out on you because you are "safe" to get angry with!! So often, we take out our anger and frustrations on those closest to us because we know they can handle it and will still love us when it's over.
Does that make sense?
I'm sorry to hear about all of the other issues with BM. If I may make a suggestion, I would suggest that you and DH get to know your stepson's psychologist. Don't let BM run that show. Get to know them, and have them give you updates and reports as well. It is, after all, supposed to be about the child, right, and not the mom? So, if she gives you any crap on why DH needs any info - it's because he's the dad and the dad is just as good as the mom and deserves all the same info. (Believe me, lived through it here.)
Best of luck to you... and my condolences to you and your hubby! I hope you have a nice "make-up" session!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
its hard to be tough and
its hard to be tough and nderstanding in situations like that, yes you are suffering your own sense of loss with the passing and perhaps so is she, now I am never one to have good things to say about the ex especially when it comes to my FHs because just a few months ago when his grandmother passed away the ex did the exact same thing, she even showed up at the hospital before she passed away with her family to all be there "together" I call bull sh*t.. some times they can be sick twisted and use every oppritunity to use it to their advantage remember that, I have had more then my fair shares worth of retarded antics from that one and I can totally understand where you are comming from...heres the trick: forget about her pretend she isnt even there. you need to be there for your husband and let the crowd notice what shes doing and theyll know that theres something fishy going on. Im happy that SS said something to her because it should be very clear that boundries should be set and Im glad that he knows what those are. The events over, Im sorry for your loss with your mother in law..Im also sorry for your loss in sanity at this moment and wish you the best....Ill also back you up if "temporary insanity" causes you to run her over next time she pulls a stupid stunt like that again...
Cheers
Angelcakes